jokes.txt

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it's a scream?
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look! I'm about to change.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do **not** read it!
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer...
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Don't drink while driving - you might spill the beer.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
I'm not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
God created the world, everything else is made in China.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.