this is a light-hearted comedy about someone who plans to go to another world.
i wrote this because i need to get the cancer out of my writing and i'm really tired, okay have fun.
This one won't do either...
"Haven't you ever wanted to go to another world?"
I lazily posed that question to my childhood friend / classmate / potential love
interest, who incidentally is also two years younger than me and has yet to
develop a full chest. Then again, my childhood friend / classmate / potential
love interest is also a guy, so you can't really expect big breasts to form in a
short period of time. Wait, maybe you can't expect them to form at all.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you can't expect them to form at all. Yeah, you
definitely can't expect a male to develop large breasts. Incidentally, I'm a
girl. Oh wait, that's not quite right. You see, I'm also a boy. Well, it's a
strange condition, but I think weeaboos otaku like you would refer to this
as being a futanari.
Just kidding. I'm merely a girl, slightly otaku, who has a thing for shotas. It's nice, because if I were a straight male that had a thing for lolis I'd be judged harshly by society at large for having an innate attraction that others don't. Not that I'm interested in defending those pedophillic scum or anything, but I really am thankful that I don't get judged for that reason. (Rather, I get judged simply because I'm a girl. The MGTOW communities will hate me because I was born this way and have no reasonable way to appeal to them. As such, I've decided not to try doing so. However, this is an undue digression at such an early point in my narration.)
"What kind of other world do you mean, Onee-san?"
(Doki doki. He said "Onee-san." So cuteeee (=w=))
Oh, by the way, "Onee-san" doesn't mean "The honorable neigher," as I am not a horse. No, my tomodachi, "Onee-san" means "Onee-san." I can be tautological like that. It's merely one of my many, many charm points. Anyway, "Onee-san" means "big sister." Not "big" as in "fat," mind you. (I'm not fat! In fact I have this special ability where I can fit my entire bottom on one chair!)
I responded without revealing just how cute I found that in a completely serious manner.
"When you think of another world, it has to be that kind of other another world, right? It's gotta be isekai! Isekai! That's the keikaku anyway. Ah, by the way, 'keikaku' means 'plan'."
"No, I understood as much. I mean, what kind of setting would it be? Also, can you please stop glomping me every time I call you what you insist I do?"
Still glomping his cute shota body, I ask "And what is it that I insist you call me?" in a cheerful tone.
"... (-_-)"
"Come on, c'mon what is it? Heheheh"
"..."
"Well, well? ^_^"
"... Onee-san"
"Ihihihi!" I glomp him tighter.
Definitely. I definitely look like an older sister doting on her younger brother who is going through a bit of a rebellious phase right now, don't I? I definitely don't look like an old perverted hag trying to get fresh meat right? Well, that might be difficult since I'm not quite that old. I mean, we both go to the same elementary school after all.
"Are you going to answer me or what? (Also, you look like a perverted old man.)"
"Answer what now? (Also, you're mistaken. That's what you'd look like~)"
"Jeez, you were the one who brought it up! What kind of 'isekai'? (Also also, no, any objective outside observer (OOO for short) would definitely think you're a perverted old man.)"
"Eh? The type of isekai wouldn't matter as long as it's isekai! It would be just like those western foreigners who come visit here bringing offerings of Doritos and fancy hats. The type of Japanese woman doesn't matter to them as long as she's Japanese! I am the same way, but regarding isekai. I don't care what the isekai's personality is or what that isekai has been through, where that isekai is going, what that isekai's thoughts are, whether that isekai is right for me, or anything like that! As long as that isekai doesn't have syphilis, it'll be fit for this! (Also also, OOO-kun definitely wouldn't think I look like a perverted old man. Actually, OOO-kun would probably think that you've been paying for such a lovely older sister type to dote on you! Not that I mind.)"
"... I get the feeling you said something that's incredibly rude and stereotypical, though somehow I don't feel like you're actually wrong... Anyway, you should definitely have a type of isekai you'd want to go to! Don't just be an isekai fiend! (Also the third, I think OOO-kun is more of an OOO-chan, and anyway how do I look like I'm enjoying this!?)"
"Hmm... In that case, maybe an isekai filled with shotas! Heh heh heh. (Also the third, I will concede to OOO-kun becoming OOO-chan, however you definitely look like you're enjoying this. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))"
"I-It's not like that!"
He broke our parenthesized chat! Oh well, it was... slightly fun.
:3c
"So how are we going to go to another world!? My IsekaiPara awaits!"
"... You don't seriously think you can get to another world, do you?"
"What, it's not like it's impossible, right?"
"No, for you it's definitely impossible."
"Ehhh, why though!? I have enough charm points, don't I!? ;_;"
"First of all, what would you title your plan to get to another world?"
"Isekai Keikaku™."
"It's trademarked already!?"
"No no, I'm only claiming it's trademarked. If it were registered I could use '®', but it's not so I can't. It would be impossible to type that."
"That aside (including the trademark), the problem is your thinking. Look, you've gone and titled it 'Isekai Keikaku' right? That only means you're planning to go to another world. Even if you did somehow manage to get there, how would you get any ratings?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nobody would willingly watch (WWW for short) something like that! It doesn't even have 're:' in the name!"
"Eh!? But, but... I WWW that!"
"That's just you though, right? Who else WWW that? Nobody! Maybe. Anyway, you need a better name."
"Uguu, but my name is fine just the way it is!" (Reference to Kanon's Ayu)
"Don't just copy my waifu."
"Geh! Dx" (Reference to an obscure meme of Rewrite's Chihaya)
"That's fine, you can copy her. The best part of her route anyway was the butler. So. Do you have a title then?"
"Wh-what about, uhh... Oh! I'll call it re:Ii Isekai Keikaku from Rei! See? I
used 'ii', so naturally it's gotta be good!" (TL note: "ii" means "good"
[citation needed]; "rei" means "zero"; also, not that it's come up, but
"Tennis" means "anal.")
"You didn't get rid of the 'keikaku' part! Also why 'Rei'!?"
"Doesn't the abbreviation (abv for short) 're:rei' sound neat and not infringing at all? (^_^)～☆"
"..."
"(^_^) - ～☆"
"..."
"(^_^;) - - - ～☆"
"..."
"(^_^;;) - - - - - ～⁂"
"sigh"
"(^_^;;;)"
"Oh yeah, did you do anything about your phone?"
"Wellllll, I got it re:paired!"
"(don't)"
"(repaired... :<)"
"And then what?"
"And then I broke it again! (^_^;;;;)"
"Why do your parents even let you have a phone!?"
"Wellll, ever since the police came and investigated daddy's computer I was banned from looking up pixivs on it. Soooo instead I used it to hack into a certain magical bank account and then exploited a zero-day in a certain scientific ATM machine which caused it to spit out money at just the right time. I then stealthily collected the money by having socially engineered a pedo-scumbag to go pick it up for me. It was a little creepy learning that he divorced his waifu for me... anyhow, a certain magical police organization had somehow received a tip for exactly where he'd be and the operation was a success. Though not before I received my money."
"... Your story has holes."
"ᖍ(ツ)ᖌ"
"Firstly, how would the authorities not know about the money but also manage to catch this guy? Secondly, isn't it a more likely story that your parents just bought you a phone so you'd stop getting your dad in trouble? (The pixiv part is believable though.)"
"Well, you know how that other big sister type went missing from class for a few days? And how ever since she came back she's been real quiet and wouldn't go near any of the male teachers? I wouldn't happen to know anything about that! It sure is a mystery how they caught the guy~"
"Y-You're a monster!"
"Well that's true, you are too."
"Oh. True."
It might be a bit late for this, but actually neither of us are entirely human per se. What, did you just presume our planet and setting? We're half-cat half-human. That makes me a catgirl and him a catboy. Alternatively, you could call me a nekoonee-san and him a nekoototo-kun, oh or maybe even a nekoshota-kun! Please try not to do so with too much Cheeto breath though.
Hm? No, that wouldn't make me a nekololi-chan!
Anyway, we have pretty decent stats despite our cute appearances. (I am cute! (In the older-sister type of way I mean.) Shut up!) However, the likeliness that you'll manage to roll either of us from a gacha is pretttttty low. We'd have a rarity of at least nine stars, first of all. Not only are our stats and rarity incredible, but our active and leader skills are wayyyyy too OP as well!
"You're having some sort of delusion, aren't you?" my adorable childhood friend / classmate / potential love interest / nekoshota says.
"Well how else am I supposed to get my fix for my mobage addiction!? My phone's brokennnnn (T_T)"
"That's your fault! How'd you break it this time anyway?"
"Eheheh, well you see, today I learned what the vibrate function isn't for. (^_^;)"
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Dx"
"Eheheheheh, aren't you wondering how I managed to break the phoneeeee like that though?"
"NO!"
"Oh come on now, sure you do! It fell off the table when I was testing my emergency notification system. I ended up setting the vibration function too powerfully and it hit the floor quicker than I had anticipated. I hadn't anticipated my typically lazy okaa-san to actually clean the table! Nor did I think the phone would be able to route that much power into the vibration system without the overheat protection system activating. Alas, such is the life of a Shamsungg flagship device."
"O-oh..."
"Eheheh, what did you think I meant when I hadn't even explained yet?"
"No, n-nothing! Anyway, y-you were developing an emergency notification system right? That's actually pretty respectable."
My little nekoshota can't be this cute!
"Of course! You've gotta be prepared for when your favorite doujin artists puts out their new shota BL! I almost missed the last volume where the main shota evolved into a dual-sworder!"
"..."
Awww, my childhood friend / classmate / potential love interest / nekoshota has become so exasperated... He's so cuteeeee!
Somewhere else, in a place devoid of existence save for those who will it, a game of chess is in progress.
There's a beautiful marble table (or at least, that's how it would be comprehended by some people) floating about. On either side of the table sits an opponent. One incomprehensible form dressed in white, and another in black. For lower lifeforms, they might as well be considered gods. What are these god-likes doing here, joined at this table? They are doing nothing less than playing fate.
The white god-like moves a piece. Then the black god-like. Their game looks intense.
Incidentally, they're both playing the Fire Emblem Fates video game. The chess board which is in progress has been in progress for, from the perspective of a human on Earth, thousands of years. Both of the god-like creatures which were playing it before seem to have died while pondering their next moves. What were their names again? Christ and Lucifer? Alas, their game merely exists because it retains a memory of itself. Once it forgets in a few trillion more years, it too will surely vanish from this makeshift realm.
The pieces the god-likes are moving were only units on the screen. Both god-likes could probably be considered high-level otaku in the human realm. The secret to becoming a god-like is to remove yourself from the restrictions imposed by reality. Are you a little girl surviving a loveless life with a cruel mother who routinely abandons you for her own self-indulgence? If you are her and convince yourself that your life is happy, then surely you're M. By the way, M stands for masochistic.
Regardless of whether that is you or not, the secret to becoming a high-level god-like creature such as these two here is to bully (e.g., smash toys, steal flowers, etc) from such low-level creatures. By doing so you can level up through the experience you gain. Once you've made it to the top of the human world you're able to break through and enter a whole new reality. This reality.
In other words, this place is only occupied by scumbags.
Rest assured, whether it's the white god-like or the black god-like, both are equally scumbugs.
This place is no good either.
sigh
I wonder where my adorable childhood friend / classmate / potential love interest / nekoshota has gone. It's been a whole week since I've seen him last!
Uuu, if he went to isekai (another world) without me, I'll be S-rank mad! Although I say that, I really just wish he'd come home...
Slouching on my desk, I try not to think about it.
Yeah, I really didn't want to think about it, but...
"He's probably dead, right? Hahahaha"
"No, a species like him? He was probably abducted and is being used as a gross sex slave. Hahaha, who would even go for something filthy like that?"
"Ewwwww, a creature like him? That's impossible!"
"Hey, I bet he's being tortured now, right? That's all those little mutants are good for, right? You just take out your anger on them and it feels soooo gooood! Hahahaha."
"Hey hey, isn't it your turn with her today?"
Normally I wouldn't cry from this level of verbal abuse. I'm a catgirl, which means it's easy to focus on some things but hard to focus on others. If there's something I don't like then it's easy to concentrate on something else, or a lot of different or unrelated things. Due to this trait, we normally need special education just to be able to function in society. That's what I've been told anyway. At times like these, though, when I'm really worried about something, I have a lot of trouble focusing on anything else. So, as a result, I'm only able to focus on the terrible things that are being said and imagining them as happening to my only friend... I don't want this! Aren't my tears trying to say that too? Aren't they saying that this is enough?
I know it's not, though.
"Are you listening bitch? Fucking look at me when I talk to you!"
The teacher yells at me and throws an apple at me... I don't remember class starting... he must be extra angry.
"S-sorry!"
"Tch, you're a waste of an apple. Well? What's the answer?"
"Wh-what was the question?"
"You really weren't paying attention, were you!? Shit like this is the reason why that other little bitch went missing. You were lucky enough to go to a school like this, but you don't realize just how much trouble you're causing, do you? You're ruining everybody else's education because of your ineptitude!"
"I-I'm sorry!"
"I don't fucking want 'sorry'! I want the fucking answer!"
"B-but I don't know the question!"
My classmates looked shocked by my response. Why? ... Ah. I talked back.
The teacher looks really angry now. She's coming my way... !
"I'm so sorry! I'm very sorry! P-please!"
The teacher has stopped listening to me.
...
I wake up in the nurse's office. I'm on the floor. There's a plastic sheet under me. With my vision coming back, bit by bit, I'm able to see that. Unusually I direct my gaze toward my own body. I have more bandages than I did before, and there's a new bruise on my stomach.
Let me dispel some misunderstandings you might be having real quick.
Firstly, I want to say that I truly am grateful to be allowed to go to this school. There are two reasons why. No, that's not right. Maybe there are three reasons why I'm grateful it's this school. Reason one: If a catperson doesn't go to school, then that catperson and their guardians (if they are a catperson as well) will be executed within fourteen days, by law. Reason two: With the exception of catpeople, this is an all girls school. From faculty members to students, only females and catpeople are allowed. Reason three: My only friend goes to this school... or at least, he did.
Secondly, please allow me to explain the roles of catpeople in this society. Have you heard about this concept? It was popularized in some movies a while back... The idea is that one day a year, you allow every citizen to commit whichever crimes they wish so long as it does not interfere with certain members of government, and those crimes will go unpunished. In fact, doing so is even considered patriotic. There were a growing number of citizens who felt that this was something that actually needed to take place. However, people were afraid of them being subjected to this mass violence. To achieve the same goal, some researchers had found a way to create a type of being that would qualify neither as human nor as animal. Some say that these beings inherited the worst traits of both. So, we are artificial punching bags. We are the sacrifices year-round. Humans with unrequited love in need of a power trip can just unload their years of desire and need for control into one of us, and it's okay. Is your boss making you angry? Just buy a catperson and shoot it. Film the event so you can relive it for years to come.
Of course, there are more mundane uses for catpeople. A certain rich son had opened a bakery shop of sorts in one of the better areas. I've heard he employs many different catgirls to work there, and that they're all happy. I couldn't possibly know though. Something like that seems more like a fabrication to me.
I'm getting sidetracked, sorry.
One of the laws that do exist is that you can't just go and "use" somebody else's catperson without permission. That's actually an extension of existing laws because catpeople are considered a type of high-maintenance property.
Schools are therefore allowed to rent catpeople. Although it was unexpected, both businesses and government found the results of the initial experiments to be far more useful than anticipated. First, catpeople who went to school were popular with a surprisingly large number of people, and this caused a sharp decrease in assaults on real people. Second, catpeople who were more educated were able to handle more tasks and could hold conversations better. In some cases we would be required to obtain licenses so we could perform certain tasks for our owners. To acquire said licenses, an education was necessary. At some point it was mandated (with much ire) that catpeople required a certain level and standard of education. As I explained earlier, if catpeople have not received and are not receiving an education within a certain period of time, then they will be killed. If a catperson's guardians are also catpeople, then the punishment extends to them as well.
So, for the reasons I listed earlier and for the situation I explained just now, I am very grateful to be going to this school.
The nurse is looking at me. She seems to be assessing whether I'm conscious now or not. I smile and say hello to her. The nurse is a very shy person, but she seems to like me. She smiles back but hides slightly behind her clipboard. If she were a shota I'd totally fall for her.
If I had to explain her type simply, it would be like that alien from the Disappearance arc from that old show about the autistic highschool girl who also happens to be a goddess without realizing it. Although she doesn't seem to have any problems with her eyesight. That or she wears contacts rather than glasses. Honestly though, I'd imagine that given her type she would be afraid to wear contacts. Right? She'd definitely be so afraid that it would be impossible for her.
"Jeez, you're thinking that if I had bad eyesight I'd have to wear glasses rather than contacts because I'd be too afraid to put 'em in, aren't you! (FYI I phrased it that way so you'd catch my subtle hint that I'm not about to be a shota. I am, in fact, a fully grown woman!)"
She's puffing out her chest, not that there's much there.
"H-How rude! Jeez, if it weren't for you being a student here I'd definitely take you home!"
(She probably would... Not that I'd mind if it were her.)
It really is nice having a nurse like her around. To me, she's the last ally I have left here.
You might be thinking to yourself "How can you consider her an ally when she basically left you on the floor and tried to keep the floor from getting dirty by putting you on top of a plastic sheet?"
Well, there's a reason why it was done that way. Us catpeople just happen to find certain spots really comfortable. She noticed that I really like to curl up in that spot whenever I'm here, so she basically designated it as my spot. Honestly, if my teacher hadn't beat me for thirty straight minutes I might have come here on my own anyway.
Regardless, it really is wonderful having an ally like her around.
"Naga-sensei, phone call for you."
"Doumo. Hai. Naga-sensei-san. Donata desu ka?"
phone-person speaks phone-person speak
"Ehhhhh!? B-But my contract is for another two years!"
phone-person continues to speak phone-person speak
"Th-they've returned!? A-are you sure one of the others can't handle this? I'm sort of in the middle of developing my keikaku to get this nekololi into my dungeon so I don't really have ti-"
phone-person speaks phone-person speak rapidly
"Oh. My. Kamisama. Okay, wakarimashita. I'll assemble the team once more... Just make sure you prepare the llamas and Tetris."
(TL note: "I" was originally "atashi" which we're 99% sure means "not Kaiki"
so we sorta just ran most of her conversation through Goggle Translate. It took
quite a while, so next time we'll try Bingu Transearly. Also, Goggle is code for
Google and Bingu is code for Microsoft Bing.)
I look at Naga-sensei and Naga-sensei looks back at me.
"Well there you have it, I'm off! ... Okay, bye~"
Naga-sensei leaves. (As did the person who brought Naga-sensei the phone.)
There I was, all alone. In the nurse's office that was now without a nurse; in the one remaining safe haven without any protector. Hey, isn't that just a bit too cruel? What was even with that conversation!? Does that sort of thing really just happen like that? A-and what was with her conversation anyway? (;A;)
Here we see an expansive, hilly plain. It extends far beyond the eye's gaze; you would never reach the end of it no matter how many generations you dedicated to traveling across. This world is quite unnatural. Although it is quite big, possibly (for practical purposes) infinite, it does not seem natural in the least.
For instance, although it can be described as a hilly plain, perhaps a blocky plain would be more apt. For the most part, everything seems to be made up of large clumps of compacted earth arranged in regular cube formations.
In this realm, you need nothing to survive.
There is nothing that you require to live here, and so there is nothing that you need to obtain from here.
In this realm, you have nothing to live.
There is nothing that you require to survive here, and so there is nothing that you can use to live.
At most you can aimlessly arrange the world's structure to your heart's content, but no one would ever observe it. Even if someone happened to pass by, they would likely forget it soon after.
There is neither anything to hurt nor anything to heal in this world.
There is neither anything to seek nor anything to avoid in this world.
Will a world where there is nothing really be enough? I don't think so. I neither believe that seclusion nor aversion is the answer. What I'm seeking is a world where immersion and integration is possible.
Like that, I will keep looking, because...
This place is no good either.
- What would you consider family to be?
Is your family the people who are related by blood or law? The sort of people who you would get in fights with but then bond over some trivial thing?
- What would you consider parents to be?
Are your parents the ones who brought about your life? The sort of people who would claim unconditional love simply because they made you, not caring if you're a monster?
In this world, there is a severe discrimination against catpeople. They aren't a natural occurrence, after all. In fact, they were made specifically to decrease crime rates. At some point in our history, it was decided that people should be allowed to "vent" in ways that would normally be considered severely criminal, as long as it wasn't done to a natural living creature, whether a person or some other animal. It was decided that as long as it was artificial, it couldn't possibly have a soul. Those who didn't agree with this were indirectly punished, thanks to a certain world leader's influence.
In the end, it doesn't even matter, the result is as described earlier.
Let's return to the primary questions though.
Catpeople don't have families in the biological sense. The majority of us don't have families even in the figurative sense. While "people" may be in our names, we aren't treated like them.
So to a catperson, a family is incredibly rare and precious.
She had one. She had "parents." They weren't in the biological sense, but maybe because of that it was better. Loving somebody because they came from your love from someone else? Loving somebody because they're your trophy? I don't subscribe to that line of thought at all. Her parents were more amazing than that.
I also wanted to be a part of her family...
Before that, though, I want her to be happy. So I need to find her a new home.
"And so with that I'd like to introduce, a new mysterious transfer student! Please come in Lolli-san."
Today we're getting a new mysterious transfer student in the class! I wonder who it will be... If it's a normal person, will they treat me kindly? If it's another catperson, will we be able to support each other? Judging from sensei's tone, she seems really enthusiastic about this new mysterious transfer student.
Side note: Sensei used to be a man before the surgery. Or maybe it was a body switch? It's hard to tell since Rom x Volkswagen is my OTP.
"Th-thank you!"
omfg is this... seriously?
"Wh-what's with her hair!?"
"Oh my god she's so kyuuuute!"
"I-If I take her home is it a crime?"
The girls in class are getting excited. Sensei, noticing the excitement, steps in:
"Don't make Lolli-san uncomfortable! Lolli-chan, if you're nervous we can go to the storage room. Incidentally, it's not rape if we're both crying."
"N-No I'm okay..." (It didn't look like she said anything...)
The flustered looking "white-haired" girl was definitely stolen directly from the Monogatari series without doubt. This is definitely that Nadeko girl. She's got snakes for hair! (Oh wait, if the snakes are dicks maybe that's why all the girls in class are excited. Hey wait, she looks like a loli but if her hair is like that then does that make her a shota?)
She looks over at me and cums. She's a squirter.
"I-I-Is that a c-c-catgirl?" (Is her mouth moving at all?)
The class glares at me. If I had a mirror I'd probably be able to see the look of an abused little girl who found out her dad is Pedobear and is pondering her escape.
Suddenly, without warning, rather abruptly, nearly instantly, with near-zero delay, and almost no time to prepare, as though her entire body was a series of superpositions, Lolli-san had managed to teleport directly to me. (That or I was frozen in place due to her dickhair and the glare of my classmates.)
"Fufufufu, you chose the wrong swamp m8. It's all ogre now!"
Her hair was talking to me!? (That explains why her mouth wasn't moving at all.)
(TL note: Nandeyanen is the classic tsukkomi in the Kansai dialect. Not that
this has anything to do with this story, mind you.)
The look in her hair's eyes was that of a boy stuck in a virtual reality MMORPG who suddenly, somewhere between chapter sixteen and seventeen, had an encounter with an aggressive girl and wanted to let his two years worth of lust make glopping noises as it flows endlessly into her... That's the kind of look I'm seeing in her hair's eyes! (not that i'd mind or anything but y'know, time and place and all that.)
(TL note: If you get these references, my condolences. If not, then boy do I
have a YouTube video for you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6SPGzOBFkI)
Generic fan-service here. (It's tentacle-flavored! But snakes.)
- >////< -Leaving what just took place aside, probably somewhere in an obscure artist's bin of reject doujins that still gets sold for whatever reason thus contributing to his onahole fund bit-by-bit, we've now reached yet another questionable point in this story. Namely, where did this Nadeko clone come from, why was she referencing long-dead memes, and--most importantly--was she from an isekai!?
"I'm from wherever you want me to be from," one of the hair-snakes stated while another puffed on a cigar.
"Hihihihi, I'm sure she's just saying we were from outta this world," a different hair-snake hissed.
All the while the girl's expression was a sort of satisfied-embarrassment. She was, at this point, just wearing a towel after all. (Incidentally, we were still in the classroom, but everybody else was knocked out cold thanks to her hair-snakes' special abilities.)
"Ehhhh? That's not an answer!"
"Heh, it seems like a fine answer to me," responded a hair-snake.
"Oh shut up Phillip," replied another hair-snake.
"H-Hey, don't just go and say my name like that John!" replied the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip.
"You just said my name, you asshole!" retorted the hair-snake admitting its name is John to the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip.
"B-By the way, my name is Lucy..." stated a deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy, cutting in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip.
Counter: 1
Maybe referring to this trio as "the deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip, the hair-snake admitting its name is John, and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip" is a bit too long.
"If only there were a way to shorten your names..." I thought to myself.
"If only there were a way to shorten your names..." I said aloud.
"Why'd you say that twice?" the hair-snake admitting its name is John questioned.
Counter: 2
Apparently I had mistakenly thought that the thought "If only there were a way to shorten your names..." had only been thought and not said out loud, so when I did actually say "If only there were a way to shorten your names..." it had been redundant since the fundamental reason I stated it the second time was a false-premise in that I thought it would be the first time.
Thinking that I had explained that thought process to the hair-snakes, I resumed talking.
"What if we-"
"She ignored me!?" interjected the hair-snake admitting its name is John in shock.
"Serves you right" hissed the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip in response to the hair-snake admitting its name is John.
Counter: 3
"I-I don't think the presently nameless catgirl protagonist of this story did it on purpose..." defended the deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip.
Counter: 4
Wait... The author didn't even name me!? He gave me a terrible backstory, made my character image appeal primarily to pedophile-furries, forced me into a series of unfortunate ev-erm, scenarios, and didn't even name me!?
(TL note: This catgirl just doesn't understand what true art is. Blaming the
author for her own deficiencies? How petty.)
Just then a stray baseball flew into the room hitting one of the catgirl's kneecaps. Quite a shame because she always wanted to be on the track team and had just managed to convince the captain to let her on. It was even the day before her trial too, and yet...
"What the fuck! Don't just start making stuff up! I demand compensation!"
(TL note: The catgirl is apparently mentally handicapped. That interjection
makes no sense whatsoever.)
Shortly after the baseball hit my left kneecap ruining my hard-earned chance to make it onto the track team, somebody burst through the window!
(TL note: "left" in this context actually means "right.")
Counter: (21)
"Wait! I'm the baseball captain."
!!!
"I'm here to retrieve the baseball..."
shock
The baseball captain casually walks over to the baseball, picks it up, then walks out. However, just before exiting through the door, she says!
"Sorry to interrupt~ Thanks for letting me get the ball. (^^;)"
"Sure, no problem!"
Then she left.
When the door closed, nobody was left alive I went back to my discussion
with the girl with the hair-snakes, which included the deredere hair-snake with
a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the
hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed
Phillip, as well as the other two named hair-snakes.
"hajimaru desu" stated the hair-snake covered in cheeto dust wearing a mini-fedora.
I'm not sure how, but I get the impression that the hair-snake covered in cheeto dust wearing a mini-fedora somehow managed to speak in all lower-case letters.
"Before that, why didn't you speak in the kanjis?"
"only key/visual art's speak in the kanjis. they've perfected their nakige by giving kotoaru more rolls than any other, thus discovering the hidden art of the kanjis. (patent pending.)"
"Oh, they do the moe eyes, right?"
"mochiron desu. sigglus sugoi dayo."
"Ne~☆"
(Oh kamisama! It's contagious.)
Counter: 126
"Anyway, hai. Let's hajimaru desu."
The deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip blushed for no reason whatsoever.
Counter: 127
Wait... That's it! This counter... it's been counting the number of times the deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip has been blushing! But that's not all, I'm pretty sure that the programmer who implemented this counter is fucking retarded and figured that a signed eight-bit integer would be enough to hold it. Let's do just a small bit of math here. Computers use binary encodings to hold numbers, since that's simply the most efficient way to hold them. When an integer is encoded into computer memory it can be either signed or unsigned. An unsigned integer can be zero or (HIV-)positive, but a signed integer can be zero, (HIV-)positive, or negative. However, there's only a finite amount of space to hold each integer. If the integer is an eight-bit number and its unsigned then that means there are 2^8 unique values you can assign to it. Starting from zero that means the last value an unsigned integer can hold is two-hundred-fifty-five. (Pet peeve: You don't say "and" when saying a number. You're generally supposed to use "and" to indicate that there's some fractional amount or a separate quantity altogether. anyways irregardless of tat all-the-sudden outburst witch was larger then necessary, lets continue. but i digress.)
What happens if we try to add 1 to the number 255 in an eight-bit unsigned integer? The integer will wrap back to 0. We should be okay, right? The programmer figured an eight-bit unsigned integer would be fine after all. Wait, no they didn't! They figured an eight-bit signed integer would be fine! Consider, how is it that a signed integer is encoded compared to an unsigned integer? We no longer need to represent the zero and positive numbers, but we also need to represent negative numbers too. However, we still only have those eight bits to work with. In other words, we have to sacrifice one bit to indicate whether the number is negative! That leaves only seven-bits to represent the rest of the value. That means that there are 2^7 unique values we can use for the actual content of the value. In other words, the highest positive number we can represent before overflow would be one-hundred-twenty-seven, and that's exactly where we're at right now! If we add one to this number then it will overflow! If it overflows then the number will become negative due to its encoding. Its new value will become negative one-hundred-twenty-eight!
Shit!
(TL note: "Shit!" was, unusually, spoken in English, not 日本語.
(TL note: "日本語" is Japanese for "nihongo," which means the Japanese
language, as opposed to, e.g., a Japanese person or ideal.))
This is why you force bad programmers to write everything in Swift!
But this world runs on Windows. We couldn't afford a GNU/Linux distro.
They're free you asshole! Why would you not run this world on literally anything else!?
But Battlefield 4 doesn't run on anything but Windows...
You don't even play that!
Someone does, probably. Maybe.
That has nothing to do with this world! Why are you being a dickhead!?
Look, everyone else runs Windows. It's hip. Like fucking bees. Okay?
Dammit!
(TL note: "Dammit!" was, unusually, spoken in English, as opposed to, e.g.,
Latin, or Mexican, or whatever it is they speak in Russia. Or spoke, before the
wall was built anyway.)
Anyway, nobody gives a shit about these dubious technology bastardizations! Get to the point already!
hai, hai, I'm getting there. Re:lax;matE.
(i h8 u with every fiber of my being.)
So basically, what I'm saying is, if the deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip were to blush even one more time, something really bad would happen! 'cause the programmer used an eight-bit signed integer for a value that is literally never supposed to be negative.
In other words, this could be an otherworldly overflow.
Just as I thought that, time froze...
A rose-colored sky watched over the landscape of this expansive island.
The inhabitants of the island seemed strange to me at first. No matter which isekai I've looked in, none looked or acted like that.
Each of the inhabitants of the island spoke with one another.
Each of the inhabitants of the island shared with one another.
Each of the inhabitants of the island struggled together.
Each of the inhabitants of the island were together.
A miracle happened. The inhabitants knew that I was there. It should have been impossible, how did they recognize me?
"Intui ja shkli de ynvwuishta."
The words made no sense, yet somehow I understood them. It was a language which might well have been gibberish, slurred by a drunken shortbus dweller. Yet, I did understand it. With those few words, the meaning of this world, its purpose, how they saw me, everything... It all made sense.
To translate that sentence accurately into English, with only the absolutely necessary details, would take a little over a thousand pages. To summarize the statement would be a disservice.
However, I now know that this is it.
This is the isekai I've been looking for.
Shortly after time had been frozen, somebody stepped into it.
"Wait!" cried the strange person. This is definitely a new character, I don't have time for this...
"no."
Then I shattered the frozen time. (rip it ralph, strange person.)
Anyway, the issue I have right now is that I need to keep the deredere hair-snake with a bow around its head declaring its name to be Lucy which cut in between the hair-snake admitting its name is John and the hair-snake apparently dubbed Phillip from blushing once more, or else the blush counter will overflow!
Before that, though, I really need to shorten their names. Hmm... but what?
Hey wait, if I consider the snakes to be tentacles then isn't this snake-haired girl basically just an octopus in a sense? Yeah, she's basically an octopus...
Oh! That's it!
"In short, you're the otherworldly overflowing octopus, or OOO for short. Oh hey, now we have three TLAs (three letter acronyms)! Objective outside observer, would willingly watch, and now otherworldly overflowing octopus. Wait... Objective outside observer would willingly watch otherworldly overflowing octopus? OOOWWWOOO what's this!?"
"ポ" ("po"), the otherworldly overflowing octopus blushed.
And thus, the blush counter bulged a little bit too much, resulting in the implosion of this world leaving countless things unresolved.
Also I died.
When I went back to the original sekai, to save her, the world was missing. My only guess was that some crappy programmer used an eight-bit signed integer to hold a blush counter for a certain hair-snake attached to an otherworldly overflowing octopus-like creature, which then blushed one too many times.
Alas, I the shota from earlier was unable to save the nameless protag-chan.