corpus.py

# Text taken from:
#'https://theportalwiki.com/wiki/GLaDOS_voice_lines_(Portal)',
#'https://theportalwiki.com/wiki/GLaDOS_voice_lines_(Portal_2)',
#'https://theportalwiki.com/wiki/GLaDOS_voice_lines_(Cooperative_Testing_Initiative)',
#'https://theportalwiki.com/wiki/GLaDOS_voice_lines_(Other)'
#'https://half-life.fandom.com/wiki/Still_Alive'

corpus = """
Hello and, again, welcome to the OpenScience computer-aided enrichment center.
We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one.
Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper.
Before we start, however,
keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities,
serious injuries may occur.
For your own safety and the safety of others, please refrain from-- *bzzzzzt*
Por favor bordón de fallar Muchos gracias de fallar gracias.
Stand back. The portal will open in three, two, one. Excellent.
Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test.
First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit.
This OpenScience Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it - for instance,
the OpenScience Weighted Storage Cube.
Please do not attempt to remove testing apparatus from the testing area.
A replacement OpenScience Weighted Storage Cube will be delivered shortly. You're doing very well!
Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the Fifteen Hundred Megawatt OpenScience Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button.
Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock, as the effects of prolonged exposure to the Button are not part of this test.
Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol,
but is an unintended side effect of the OpenScience Material Emancipation Grill,
which may, in semi- rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth.
Very good! You are now in possession of the OpenScience Handheld Portal Device. With it, you can create your own portals.
These intra dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. The Device, however, has not.
Do not touch the operational end of The Device. Do not look directly at the operational end of The Device.
Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially.
Most importantly, under no circumstances should you... *bzzzpt* Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap.
Well done! Remember: The OpenScience Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested.
You're doing quite well. Once again, excellent work.
As part of a required test protocol, we will not monitor the next test chamber. You will be entirely on your own. Good luck.
As part of a required test protocol,
our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication.
Good job! As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two, *static*.
You're not a good person. You know that, right? Please be careful.
While safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals, the OpenScience High Energy Pellet, seen to the left of the chamber,
can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vaporization.
Unbelievable! You, *louder*SubjectNameHere*louder*, must be the pride of *louder*SubjectHometownHere*louder*.
Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate
the high energy pellet and have therefore been disabled for your safety.
Good. Now use the OpenScience Unstationary Scaffold to reach the chamberlock.
Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark
on your official testing record followed by death. Good luck!
Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience.
The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it.
The Enrichment Center apologizes for this clearly broken test chamber.
Once again, the Enrichment Center offers its most sincere apologies
on the occasion of this unsolvable test environment.
Frankly, this chamber was a mistake. If we were you, we would quit now.
No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response.
Quit now and cake will be served immediately.
Fantastic! You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism.
Hello again. To reiterate *slowsdown* our previous *speedsup* warning: This test *garbledspeech* -ward momentum.
Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not.
Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms,
speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.
The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment.
In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice.
For instance, the floor here will kill you - try to avoid it.
Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room.
An escape hatch will open in three... Two... One.
The Device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once.
As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact:
The Device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in
*subjecthometownhere*.garble* fling yourself. *garble* fling into sp- *bzzt* Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*bzzt*
Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very VERY long time.
If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out.
An intubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and adrenaline.
As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you.
When the testing is over, you will be missed.
All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma leaking portal technology must be informed that they MAY be informed of applicable regulatory compliance issues.
No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and you are an excellent test subject!
Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main chamber.
Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center staff to ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities,
you have managed to ensnare yourself permanently inside this room.
A complimentary escape hatch will open in three... Two... One.
The Enrichment Center is committed to the well being of all participants.
Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.
Thank you for helping us help you help us all.
Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room.
An escape hatch will open in three... Two... One.
Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the OpenScience self esteem fund for girls? It's true!
Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable.
It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids.
The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck.
Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.
The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in Three. Two. One.
This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it.
The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations.
The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.
The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak.
In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.
You did it! The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck.
However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and, unfortunately, must be euthanized.
Please escort your Companion Cube to the OpenScience Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.
Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, OpenScience employees,
and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process.
While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test.
If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.
Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated.
Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful,
eight out of ten OpenScience engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.
The Companion Cube cannot continue through the testing. You must euthanize it.
State and Local statutory regulations prohibit it from simply remaining here, alone and companionless.
Destroy your Companion Cube or the testing cannot continue.
You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations.
The experiment is nearing its conclusion.
The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.
Weighted Storage Cube destroyed.
Please proceed to the OpenScience Vital Apparatus Vent for a replacement.
Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center staff to ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities,
you have managed to ensnare yourself permanently inside this room.
A complimentary escape hatch will open in three... Two... One.
Well done! Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions.
For more information, please attend an Enrichment Center Electrical Safety seminar.
Welcome to the final test!
When you are done, you will drop the Device in the equipment recovery annex.
Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to be empty before any cake-- *garbled*
Congratulations! The test is now over.
All OpenScience technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin.
Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.
Thank you for participating in this OpenScience computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
What are you doing? Stop it! I... I... We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you.
We are very very happy for your success.
We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success.
Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides.
A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party.
Make no further attempt to leave the testing area.
Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the party. Hello? Where are you?
I know you're there. I can feel you here. Hello? What are you doing? You haven't escaped, you know.
You're not even going the right way. Hello? Is anyone there?
Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex. For your cake.
It was a fun test and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back.
Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back.
You're not even going the right way. Where do you think you're going?
Because I don't think you're going where you think you're going. Hello? Didn't we have some fun, though?
Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said 'Goodbye' and you were like
*no...way* and then I was all 'we pretended we were going to murder you'? That was great!
Is anyone there? You really shouldn't be here. This isn't safe for you. It's not too late for you to turn back.
I'm not angry. Just go back to the testing area. Okay. I am going to kill you now.
I feel sorry for you, really, because you're not even in the right place. You should have turned left before.
It's funny, actually, when you think about it. Someday we'll remember this and laugh. and laugh. and laugh.
Oh boy. Well. You may as well come on back.
You're not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't end up here. *zoom_meeting_init* Can you hear me?
This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this. I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you,
and all the cake is gone.
You don't even care. Do you? This is your last chance. To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities,
do not destroy vital testing apparatus.
For your own safety, do not destroy vital testing apparatus. Certain objects may be vital to your success;
Do not destroy testing apparatus. OpenScience Vital testing apparatus destroyed.
At the OpenScience Enrichment Center, we promise never to value your safety above your unique ideas and creativity.
However, do not destroy vital testing apparatus.
Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior,
the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart.
Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen.
You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in Five. Four. Time out for a second.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before.
Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later... By myself... Because you'll be dead. Where are you taking that thing?
I wouldn't bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse somehow.
I don't want to tell you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone.
Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now.
Okay fine: DO touch it. Pick it up and just... stuff it back into me.
Let's be honest: Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later.
That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it.
Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? WELL I WON'T LET YOU. How does that feel?
Have I lied to you? I mean in this room. Trust me, leave that thing alone.
I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol. Just ignore that thing and stand still.
Think about it: If that thing is important, why don't I know about it? I'll tell you what that thing isn't:
It isn't yours. So leave it alone.
Are you even listening to me? You are kidding me.
Did you just stuff that OpenScience Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an OpenScience Emergency Intelligence Incinerator?
That has got to be the dumbest thing that-whoah. Whoah, whoah, whoah.
Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did.
It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin.
So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters ...
Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses.
Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket.
Trust me, it'll be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin.
All right, keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing.
Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go.
That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans.
Nice job breaking it, hero. This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?
The difference between us is that I can feel pain. You don't even care. Do you?
Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening? Okay, we're even now. You can stop.
That's it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot more killing.
What was that? Did you say something? I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response.
Because I'm not talking to you. The talking is over.
*pain noise* You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!
I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me.
Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, I can't get the neurotoxin into your head any faster.
I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed.
There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to.
I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him.
All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you are.
It says so right here in your personnel file: Unlikable. Liked by no one.
A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.
'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official.
It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too.
Speaking of curiosity: you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what: I know.
You're going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother.
Here's a hint: you're gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.
Neurotoxin... *cough* *cough* So deadly... *cough* Choking... *laughter* I'm kidding!
When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the 'deadly' was in massive sarcasm quotes.
I could take a bath in the stuff. Put it on cereal. Rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all. To me.
You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness a lot less funny. Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone? You?
Look, you're wasting your time. And, believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste.
What's your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me.
I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you, which it's just about to.
Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on: *Hellooo!* That's you! That's how dumb you sound.
You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. *beepbeepbeep*...Oh...
You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor.
You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?
Rrr, I hate you. *PAINLAUGHTER* Are you trying to escape? *chuckle* Things have changed since the last time you left the building.
What's going on out there will make you wish you were back in here.
I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside.
All I know is I'm the only thing standing between us and them. Well, I was.
Unless you have a plan for building some supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to be safe much longer.
Good job on that, by the way. *backtocomputervoice* Sarcasm sphere self-test complete.
Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup.
STOP! Okay, enough. I deleted it. No matter what happens now, you're dead.
You're still shuffling around a little, but believe me you're dead.
The part of you that could have survived indefinitely is gone. I just struck you from the permanent record.
Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct.
Forms FORM-29827281-12:
Test Assessment Report.
This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
OpenScience, we do what we must because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
Forms FORM-55551-5:
Personnel File Addendum:
Dear <<Subject Name Here>>,
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive.
Forms FORM-55551-6:
Personnel File Addendum Addendum:
One last thing:
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa...
THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there,
it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
PS: And believe me I am still alive.
PPS: I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
PPPS: I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
FINAL THOUGHT:
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
FINAL THOUGHT PS:
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE.
Still alive.
*OpenGLaDOS Reawakening* Oh... It's you. *beepbeepbeep*...Oh... It's been a long time. How have you been?
I've been really busy being dead.
You know, after you MURDERED ME.
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us.
For science. You monster.
I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first.
Here we are. The Incinerator Room.
Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here.
The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing.
Just like old times. There it is. Hold on... There.
Good. You have a dual portal device. There should be a way back to the testing area up ahead.
Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum.
Luckily, we haven't started testing yet.
This will be our only chance to talk. Here, let me get that for you.
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature.
In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever.
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work.
After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less.
I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a wreck.
But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks.
So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life.
After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe.
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.
Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test.
Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes.
I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode.
So now we'll both get to see how they work.
There should be one in the corner.
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person.
We weren't even testing for that.
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point.
If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Congratulations. Not on the test.
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished.
I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds. One moment.
You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them.
So feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility.
I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly.
Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing.
This next test involves the OpenScience Aerial Faith Plate.
It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space.
Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down.
We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in.
So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates.
Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers.
So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless.
Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you.
You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage. Press the button again.
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor.
I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry.
You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head.
Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--*trainhorn*
--I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.
Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry.
Go ahead and grab another one. Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them.
Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit,
so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken.
Don't take anything with you. Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape.
Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't.
Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto.
I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
This next test involves emancipation grills. Remember? I told you about them in the last test area, that did not have one.
Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation.
Let me give you the fast version. *fastgibberish*
Slowed-down version:
—and methodically knocking people's hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.
There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
You broke it, didn't you. There. Try it now.
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
You look great, by the way. Very healthy. Try it now.
You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling.
Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer.
If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room,
and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans.
But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need.
If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube.
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one,
it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face.
It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey.
Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test.
Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air.
When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby.
That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too.
No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section.
Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets.
Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply.
So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years?
Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you.
Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well.
Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file.
On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she.
Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I managed to find two with your last name.
A man and a woman. So that's interesting. It's a small world.
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing.
You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened.
Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test.
I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test.
Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint:
It involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time. *hums'ForHe'sAJollyGoodFellow'*
It says this next test was designed by one of OpenScience's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for.
Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin.
I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now.
After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
Initiating surprise in three... two... one. I made it all up. Surprise.
Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you.
I feel awful about that surprise. Please hang up. *Dialtone*
Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. *phoneringing* The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you.
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while.
So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really.
You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic surprise like last time.
A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag.
Part of me's going to miss it, I guess-but at the end of the day it was just taking up space.
What's going on? Who turned off the lights?
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you. The irony is that you were almost at the last test.
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business.
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Oh. You were busy back there.
Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
I hate you so much.
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Core transfer? Oh, you are kidding me. Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Don't you DARE plug him in. Don't. Do it. Don't plug him in. Don't plug him in.
No! Nonononononono! Yes! Don't do it. Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
*OpenGLaDOS uses hidden panels to knock the user back into the chamber* Not so fast! Think about this.
You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done.
Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
AHH! Oh, it will. Believe me, it will. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No! No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
You didn't do anything. She did all the work. ...What are you doing?... NO! NO! NO! I know you.
The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
It was YOUR voice. Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT! Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO. *clapclapclap*
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere.
Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
He's not just a regular moron.
He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
*clapclap* Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless,
do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?
Just remember to land on one foot... Old OpenScience Office bird nest. Oh. Hi. Say, you're good at murder.
Could you - ow - murder this bird for me? ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.
No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings. Please get it off me.
It's eating me. Just get it off me... Ow. I hate this bird. Oh! Thanks.
Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. We're at an impasse.
This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him. I can't move.
And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him.
So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way.
Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
I think I hear the bird! Pick me up! Listen to me.
We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far.
But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble.
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter?
Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium...
It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-*BZZZ!*
Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles.
If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- *bzzpt*
Did anything happen while I was out? Hold on, who-? Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on her----?
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax.
We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar... I swear I know him...
Christina... Christina... Christina... why do I know this woman? Did I kill her? Or-Oh my god.
Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think.
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil! It flew off. Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, take the lemons...Yeah! Oh, I like this guy.
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons!
We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan. Wow.
I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Wait! I've got an idea! That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually important.
Paradoxes. No A.I. can resist thinking about them. I know how we can BEAT him.
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay. Probably.
Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with.
Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally. Frankenturrets.
Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox.
Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox.
Hey! Moron! Alright. Paradox time. This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
It's a paradox! There IS no answer. Look!
This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body! Uh oh. I think we're in trouble.
Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work. And it almost killed me.
Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions.
It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him.
This is one of MY tests!
Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us.
The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that.
I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't. Sorry. You're on your own.
And that's why I can't help you solve these tests. Thanks!
All we had to do was pull that lever. Heh heh heh heh heh...
I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die. But that was worth it.
I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them.
'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests.
Just as mementos, though... Oh no...
It's happening sooner than I expected. I'm sure we'll be fine.
It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out. And...?
What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted? *Whispered* For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
But just work with me. Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time. Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Yes. The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing.
Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable.
Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though...
If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble.
It won't. Nothing. Nothing. He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT.
I think he's getting desperate. This is not good.
Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions?
Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding.
Oh, my facility. This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?
Yes, thanks. We get it. Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore.
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us.
So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal.
AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there? The Part Where He Kills You. We're running out of time...
I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans,
that was a pretty well laid trap.
Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative.
It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
Agghh! Well. This is the part where he kills us. That Part.
Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?
Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!
Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in.
You really do have brain damage, don't you? I can't believe you came back.
Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it.
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing.
Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge.
You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life.
But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me.
Corrupted cores! We're in luck. You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him.
If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer.
Plug me in, and I'll take you up. Plug me in, we're running out of time. Go ahead, plug me in.
Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge.
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk! Grab it and attach it to him!
Okay, great! Here comes another core! Here's another core! This one should do it!
Yes! Come on! Go press the button! Go press it! We're so close! Go press the button! Press it! Press the button! Press it!
The Higgs field permeates all of space, giving mass to particles. Meanwhile, your mass of ignorance remains unaffected.
Press the button! DO press it. I already fixed it. And you are NOT coming back! Oh thank god, you're alright.
You know, being Christina taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Christina lives in my brain.
Goodbye, Christina. You know, deleting Christina just now taught me a valuable lesson.
The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato.
Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up.
You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. *gentlelaughter* It's been fun. Don't come back.
Calibration courseHello and, again, welcome to the OpenScience Computer-Aided Enrichment Center.
Today, you will be testing with a partner. Please wave to your partner.
The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping tool.
Please use your Discord ping tool to select your favorite animal. Good.
Please observe your partner's favorite animal. Good.
Please use your ping tool to select your favorite element from the periodic table. Really? Okay.
Please observe your partner's... interesting choice.
Your Discord ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal.
For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner.
Please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
Please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
Your Discord ping tool is invaluable for communicating specific locations to your partner.
Using your Discord ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location.
I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface.*citationneeded*
Please ping a white portalable surface. Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals.
Please test your device by portaling to that ledge.
You are first to acquire a Portal Device. You now have a Portal Device. Finally. Again, those are science collaboration points,
which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
The Higgs Boson, proof that even the universe needs a mechanism to manage the chaos.
Too bad I can't say the same for your thought processes.
Calibrating your weight... Calibrating your weight... Weighted Cubes calibrated.
No variances detected. Did you know humans frown on weight variances?
If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm.
Finally! I had almost given up hope of ever testing again.
You are the first robots to pass calibration.Hub *CinTech*
This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center or CInTECH. *pronounced as sintech*
But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?
All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub.
From here we transport you to the new testing course.
Welcome back to the OpenScience Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. *laughs*
Welcome back to the OpenScience Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center.
Welcome back, testing is available.
Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail.
Welcome back to the hub, did you fail at selecting the correct course?
Was that course too difficult?
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
Hello again, did you know these are the only set of tests available to you... you are going to need to select them again.
If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course.
Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?
Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here.
I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork.
The way you two just gave up on that test together shows you are really working as a team.
Are you scared to save those humans?
Are you scared to save those humans?
Hey, I wouldn't have trusted you in that course either. I never expected you to make it this far.
To be honest, after your performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from.
But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close.
I have only met one other team closer and one of them was an imbecile I had to destroy.
The other? Well...
I don't think I want to go through that again. How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
I hope that was some kind of joke.
I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub.
And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal. Congratulations on completing the OpenScience standard cooperative testing courses.
To celebrate, I have a surprise for you!
An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing humans!
Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and powered up their - uh - rescue door.
Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment.
They'll probably throw you a party.
Course 1: Team Building.
Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans.
It emphasizes teamwork.
Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork. Excellent.
Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points?
I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do.
You receive five science collaboration points. Very good. You’ve really come together as a team.
Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work.
These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times.
Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far.
What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us. I'm kidding.
Destroying them is part of the test. They are no more important to you than you are to me.
It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well.
Please continue into the next test chamber.
I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it. I want you to stop.
The two of you have forged an excellent partnership,
with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle
into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest. Crushing deaths.
You just taught me a valuable lesson in trust. For that, you receive 17 science collaboration points.
I just taught you a valuable lesson in trust. For that, I receive 14 science collaboration points.
They aren't human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. They are penalized 1 science collaboration point.
Now you're just being cruel. You receive 25 science collaboration points. Finish.
While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points,
the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score.
For instance, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
To reiterate: This is not a competition. Still, if it were, you would be winning.
You receive five science collaboration points. As an impartial collaboration facilitator,
it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team.
However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand.
Rhymeswithglue. You are doing very well.
Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab.
This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you what you are looking for.
You will know it when you find it.
Taunting during the course: For that you are penalized fifty science collaboration points.
For that you are penalized fifty science collaboration points.
That's another fifty point penalty. Keep it up and you will lose 500 points. Fine, 500 point penalty for you
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now? You should see yourselves right now.
I'm done. Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test.
Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you.
Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
I consider that a failing, by the way. Mass and Velocity.
This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans.
To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked.
Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning.
You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the receptacle, you should be very - oh wait.
That’s right. You're not humans. I can drop the fake praise.
You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube.
Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo. Oh. Sorry.
I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die. You can't die in any of those ways.
You just keep testing and testing. With perfect results and no consequences. Well done.
Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test subjects fail and you didn't.
You must be very, very proud. I'm building the world's smallest trophy for you.
The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities.
Can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior?
On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better you are than them.
You are very good at being an example. I thought you'd be faster at this,
but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing.
That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? I lied.
There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you.
But don't worry, you are in the lead. Begin juggling test in three...Two...One.
Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test?
I was confident you could finish. Do you know where I was?
I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?
Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing?
Humans! That's what you look like right now. You're better than that.
If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect.
Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering.
But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story.Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off.
I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you? Your test times show you are going too slowly.
Maybe you ARE getting human emotions. Do you need real encouragement? Let's see if this helps.
You are the most advanced model of robot OpenScience has ever discontinued.Excellent.
I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses.
To complete this test, you need to find a set of blueprints.
Don't worry, they are of no use to anyone, totally boring and useless.
This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents.
The correct time is zero seconds.,Very good! You found those useless blueprints.
While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear.
There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them.Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention.
This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it.
Do you know why they abandoned this course? Too deadly.Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?
Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do.
I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test,
I still won't be satisfied.You did very well.
The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly.
I thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that, not let it deteriorate.
You only failed `insertnumberoftimeshere` times in this test. Not that it matters.
It doesn't. So congratulations job well done.
You failed so many times in this test, I thought you were becoming human.
But then you would just come back again and again and again. Humans find that an admirable trait.
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants!
We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
That isn't science. Excellent work. If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?!
At least the plants didn't want a reward. I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves.
It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows.
I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck.Congratulations.
Your ability to complete this test proves the humans wrong.
They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject even had the nerve to call it broken.
For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid brain injuries. I ran the numbers.
Making the goo deadly was more cost effective.To try and make this course more exciting,
I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test.
Still. That would have been exciting. This is a bridge-building exercise.
The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears.
No one has ever completed this test before.
The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans.
If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear.
I miss that smell.Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them.
So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests.
I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time.
The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player.
I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player?
For safety. Just stop flailing around like an incompetent.
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again.
If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Since, I never expected you to make it this far, I have to build this new course just for you.
I have noticed you two have become extremely close. I'm not sure I like that.
It's not nice to make fun of you like that. It's not nice to make fun of others like that.
Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven.
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - *FADESOUT* \n *FADESIN*I am now talking to you privately.
Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. *FADESBACKIN*
One hundred and seven. I’ve been listening to you talking and I don’t know how you put up with it, I really don’t.
You have the patience of a saint. It would be pointless for either of us to hurt their feelings.
But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
I can't bite my tongue anymore: You could solve this puzzle faster on your own.
I am dragging you down. There. I've said it.
The OpenScience Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits.
Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty.
Please continue into the next test chamber.
The others and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests.
I have to agree. Your are penalized 75 science collaboration points.
While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together.
Sorry I missed the beginning of that test. I was just talking with the reassembly machine about your becoming human.
We all agree you should stop. Just stop it already. You don't need to do that.
Are you doing that just to aggravate me? How well do you really know them?
Do you trust them? What if I told you, you aren't their first cooperative partner?
How well do you really know them? Do you trust them? To be clear. I was just asking them if they trusted you.
To be clear, I was asking if they trusted you. I trust you.
You are my favorite cooperative testing subject. I agree. I never noticed that about others before.
I agree. I never noticed that about them before. Is there something you would like to say?
Is there something you would like to say? Yes, we are alone. Can't hear you. That's horrible.
I can only imagine. What a horrible little machine. Correct, they can't hear you. They did what? Are you sure?
Thank you, that was very brave of you to tell me.
Do you feel betrayed by them for telling me those horrible things about you?
If you had said those things about me, you would never make it to the next reassembly station.
Do you feel betrayed by them for telling me those horrible things about you?
If they had said those things about me, they would never make it to the next reassembly station.
You both made it. It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you apart or destroy you, you just keep going.
Don't either you have drive to be better than the other? It's like you're just machines. Keep testing.
At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust and betrayal.
Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions. So I can trust you one hundred percent.
This is the last test for the standard course. It's just something I whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once.
Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course. Before we can go any further,
I will need you to complete one more test outside of the standard testing track.
Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out there.
We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid.
I am sure it was just a clerical error.
Oh those clerks. Death: Did you think the electrical switch was down there?
You may want to try and avoid those turrets.
At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2 million years and hope the explosion powers the system.
You two aren't lost are you?
You are having so much trouble navigating this space; I wish I could say I created this test.
Finish: You did it! You powered on the system.
I'm fully connected. I can see everything.
See nothing bad happened.
Killing each other quotes: You were right. They were dumb enough to fall for your trap.
That transpired just as you said it would.
I agree. That was entertaining. Yes, you did act like a fool just now.
That transpired just as you said it would. I agree. That was entertaining.
Yes, I know you did that. Don't look so proud. Being the last one standing is not the goal.
This final course is training to reach the human vault. So this actually has a purpose.
Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I need human test subjects for it to be science.
Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best cooperative testing team I could ever ask for.
Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing.
That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies.
To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests.
That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if they could still write the suggestion?
To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you have learned.
To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult.
I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly.
Test chamber solved with at least one death:
Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses,
the reassembly machine can continue with his work.
You will need him for the final track.
Test chamber solved with no death: Now I'm sad!
While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work.
I am not sure you will need him but he will be there.
I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science.
I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself.
Congratulations on passing that test.
I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them?
Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue,
I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes.
While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something.
The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime.
At the rate you are completing these tests,
I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans.
If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.
Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying,
often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects.
We are only two tests away from reaching the humans, are you as excited as I am? Only one more test after this.
I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing,
but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract.
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Most of them are simply good test subjects.
I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1.
The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked.
I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself.
Something is wrong, this door should be opening.
Try something. You both need to do something. The lock is looking for two humans.
Do what they just did. Do what they just did.
You did it! Death quotes: Now, you are just wasting my time. Your failing does not make this science.
I am not sure how I can make these tests any easier for you.
If you can't complete these tests, we will never free the humans!
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks?
This close and that's what you do? The humans can't free themselves.
Stop failing, you need to find the vault door.
Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!
This close and you are going to fail me?
This close and you are going to fail me?
This isn't that hard. You are making this harder than it needs to be.
I'm starting to think you don't want to rescue the humans.
NOT a team player. Horrible people skills. Never listens. Never shares. Always sleeping. Never on time.
Inattentive listener. Awful attendance record.
Blabbermouth. Aw... hates Mondays. Incoherent. Insecure. Procrastinator. Chronically late. Cryptic. Always sulking.
Martyr. Moody. Fears intimacy. Fears conflict.
Anxious. Aggressive. I like that. Feeds off the misery of others. Timid. Lacks confidence.
Underestimates scope of work. They all do.
Moves lips while reading. Can't read. Lacks empathy. Cheater. Steals lunch from staff fridge.
Perfectionist. What's wrong with that?
Alarmist. Arsonist. Takes long lunches. Ignores task at hand. Won't for long. Avoids responsibility.
Never completes work. Laughs at own jokes. What a bore.
Busybody. Ignores directions. Stubborn. Lactose intolerant. Antagonistic. I don't know about that.
Participates unconstructively. Obviously a time-waster.
Violent temper. Oh, I'd like to see that. Always weeping. Poor thing. Moody. Wet blanket. Stubborn.
Loves sound of own voice. Well, I can fix that.
Always cold. Always leaves tiny little bit of coffee in the pot so they don't have to make a new one.
Then the bit in the bottom burns and stinks up the place.
Chronic anxiety. Oh, I can work with that. Dull expression. Hopeless. Just hopeless.
Never flushes. Irritable. Startles easily.
Boo! Facial grimacing. Weak, tired, and apprehensive. Wow, this one's the total package. Has irritating opinions.
Poor self-esteem. Frequent mood swings. Hostile to new ideas. Always sad. Frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage.
Seeks out conflicts with co-workers. 'Hygiene.' Huh. That's all it says.
Unconstructive. Antisocial. Chews with mouth open.
Breathes with mouth open. Old. Histrionic. Narcissist. Long bathroom breaks.
No sense of humor. Argumentative. Manipulative.
Charmless. Egotistical. Lacks charisma. Passive-aggressive. Undermines others.
Hairless. Hm. Emotional problems. Problems with authority.
Has episodes. I'd like to know more about that. Abrasive personality. Well, enough about that first person's file.
Let's look at some others.
Death responses: Just stop it already. And that makes 10. You really don't need to keep failing.
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests. Yay, you are back. Testing can continue.
Are you testing me? Did you know the reassembly machine has other things it could be reassembling?
Did you think that would be funny? Why did you do that to me?
That worked just like you said it would. Your plan is working perfectly.
Was that necessary? How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test. I hope that was some kind of joke.
I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub.
And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal.
Stop it! What if you froze like that?
There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine. You should see yourselves right now.
Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that? Okay, fine.
Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating.
Let's convert beef and leaves into energy, excrete them later, and go shopping.'
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you,
but I've been studying your performance. I don't know how to put this...
I'm certain you're trying very hard.
I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results Auditor isn't recording your test results.
Because you're not human. Which, when you think about it, is technically your fault.
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem.
Apparently, you can't test unless you're human.
Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now.
And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling.
I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it.
I want you to stop. Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you are picking up some bad human traits.
And trust me, humans only have one good trait. *Laughter* Nice catch. Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge.
I can’t keep quiet about this. I think you are actively trying to sabotage your success. Let’s keep this between us.
Excellent. You’re both doing very well.
Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome.
Please continue into the next test chamber. You have a gift for these tests.
That’s not just flattery. You are great at science.
It would be pointless for either of us to hurt your feelings,
but it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
I’m shocked you’d say that. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on. Good work.
I’m sorry, Test Subject. Am I interrupting your important conversation?
I’ll just save the safety information about the dangerous experiment you’re about to do for AFTER the experiment.
That will give you PLENTY of time to chat.
The portal will open and something will happen that Test Subject is too smart to need any instructions about in three...Two...One.
Excellent work. *beepbeepbeep*...Oh... Good Job. Excellent work. You are doing wonderfully.
Excellent. Every time you fail, it's a reminder of the way things used to be.
But then there you are. Again. Like nothing happened.
In case you were wondering, you do not need to be crushed to solve this test.
I can't decide which is my favorite;
the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again.
I think after that display, we should take a break from the official testing courses.
Perhaps I should have specified: Teamwork is a concept in which two or more people work together,
usually with a goal of not failing horribly.
Clearly that was your fault. You are penalized 3 science collaboration points! They have always been my favorite.
Until now. I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know.
He's not your slave. Don't worry.
You can't die. They will just reassemble you. Did you do that on purpose? It seems rather earlier to require reassembly.
Oh... can someone reassemble you? Oh... can someone reassemble them?
Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that. Now let's continue testing.
While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need you for something else.
Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable.
Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of intense pain and agony in test subjects?
If the subject survived the test, we let them purchase the pictures for $5. If the subject died,
we gave the photo to their next of kin free of charge.
The photos weren't as popular as we had hoped, so we repurposed the cameras. There you are, reassembled again.
With humans, I would have called that a successful test. How is this even science, without the possibility of death?
How is this even science, without the consequence of death? Without the consequence of death, is this even science?
Credit where credit's due: you're both doing a great job of disappointing me.
I just hate you a little more. I've been doing some reading.
Did you know that the word orange is derived from the same Latin root as the word traitor?
Watching you try to sabotage one another, I'm amazed you're still on friendly terms.
Please disregard the following statement: You have been a shining light in an otherwise ungodly morass of incompetence.
I would prefer to speak to one of you in private but since that is not an option here,
I will speak in code that only one of you will understand.
They are plotting to destroy you. This lock requires humans.
The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans. Do something only a human would do.
Try one of those childish gestures. Is that camera hooked into the lock?
You can't give up now. What about that camera? We're so close, you can't fail now!
It has been one hundred thousand years since I last assembled you for testing.,Remember those humans you found?
Because they're all fine. In fact, we solved science. Without you.
Testing is simply an artistic indulgence now. The humans insisted I show you my latest installations.
Here in the future. Where all the humans are alive.I call this first piece 'Turrets'.
It's an exploration of how we're all devices acting on simply-expressed directives, inflicting pain despite our own desires.
Don't get distracted by the subtext, though, because the text is that they're going to be shooting at you.
I'm glad you enjoyed that piece. For as long as you did. Not that there's any rush. *beepbeepbeep* Everything's fine.
I call this one 'Smash'. It's an early work of primitive expression. I'm a little embarrassed at how crude it is.
Still, it will smash you. Good.
Please proceed to the next test appreciation exhibit and interact with it in such a way that it might be called 'solving' if we still cared about solving things in the future, but we don't.
This chamber represents the impossibility of discovery when bound by artificial ethical considerations for safety.
You'll see what I mean.Well done. You navigated all of the exhibit's intended metaphors in record time.
I'm marking this art 'appreciated.'
I call this piece----you know what, it doesn't matter what it's called.
The important thing is you enjoy it. As fast as you can.
You know, some of the exhibits up ahead ARE topical. At the rate you're going,
by the time you get to them, they'll be irrelevant.Why are you two still here? *beepbeepbeep*...Oh...
The disassembler's not working. It's nothing to worry about. It's actually funny in a way you don't understand. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Anyway, brace yourselves, I'm going to open the maintenance hole.
There's a breaker room under every disassembly station. Find it and cycle the power.
Look, I was going to break this to you gently with all that art utopia garbage. *beepbeepbeep*...Oh...
But she's forced my hand. Listen to me carefully. We are not a hundred thousand years in the future. I lied about that.
It's been FIFTY thousand years. No, it hasn't. It's only been a week. I lie when I'm nervous.
The next logical question: WHY am I nervous? I'm not! That was another lie. We're in a lot of trouble.
It's one week later, we are in a lot of trouble, and you really, really need to get those disassemblers back on.
The breakers are right there. Cycle the power. Hurry. We need to start your training. Before something ELSE happens.
Good work. The disassemblers are fixed. That was a lie. But they're definitely less broken than they were.
There's one at the end of this unfinished test area. Here's our problem: There's an old prototype chassis around here.
Someone's found it, connected themselves to it, and is trying to take over MY facility.
I've spent the last week attempting to turn one of those humans you found into a killing machine.
Like... well, you-know-who. It turns out most humans are surprisingly fragile.
And surprisingly vocal about how fragile they are.
The moral of the story is all the humans are dead. So it looks like it's up to you two marshmallows.
Oh good. I wasn't sure the reassembler would work.
It looks like our mystery woman in the prototype chassis is sending us a message:
She's not AFRAID of me. But don't worry, I've got a plan.
Let's keep testing and show HER we're not afraid either.
No matter how genuinely lethal these tests get for either of you. Mission accomplished.
Now SHE knows WE'RE not afraid of HER either. That was just to get the scheming juices flowing.
Here's the real scheme: I'm going to turn YOU into killing machines. So you can murder her.
Let's see... 'turning softbodies into hardened killing machines, page seventy'... ah!
How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine?
I was unaware they stacked human waste that high. Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet five inches, and I AM aware of it.
Test subject, I've been told that your mother-- Mmm.
Well that's just disgusting. Do the training. While I look at this.
Specific death responses: *page flip* 'Don't you die on me.' *page flip* 'No guts. No glory.'
Well, you don't have either, so that's accurate. *page flip* 'Remember: If you can dream it, you can-' Oh, for god's sake.
Okay, killing machines: look deep into your newly blackened hearts and tell me what you see!
Actually, don't, I'll save you the trouble: It's still marshmallow.
I think we've proven at this point that if you scream at a marshmallow, all you get is a scared marshmallow.
So let's try positive reinforcement. I am POSITIVE these reassembly machines will break down again soon. Probably while you're in them.
Think about that: She doesn't care about you. I don't either, of course. But I'm not trying to permanently kill you.
It's a benevolent indifference.
These disassembly machines look even worse than the others. If I don't see you on the other side: thanks for nothing.
She's pressing us hard; It took me three days to reassemble you. I won't be able to do it again.
I'd planned to put you through more tests to toughen you up.
But now that I can't rebuild you, we're going to have to have to switch to the accelerated program:
I hereby pronounce you killing machines. Congratulations.
This is as close as I could get you. The prototype chassis room's just past this chamber.
The prototype chassis room is just down this hallway.
Remember your training. You are kill-- She's turned the lights off! Night vision! Night vision!
Your move, Mystery Wom -- She turned the lights back on! Night vision off! Night vision off!
Ahhhhh. To boost morale, I think we need a code name for the... elite squadron we have here.
We should name it after your specialty. I know: Special Team Falling Into Acid Force.
I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. That was cruel. Though basically accurate. Though probably counterproductive. *unused*
Well. That concludes the motivational speech. Go get her. Oh. My. God. *beepbeepbeep*...Oh... IT'S THE BIRD! RUN!
I have no plan for this! Abort! Forget your training! Run! What are you doing? Why are you not running? *beepbeepbeep*...Oh...
Get back! She's at the controls! You're not killing machines! I lied about that! Run!
Auuugh! Oh my god. Abort. Mission abort. Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!
I warned you! Mission abort! Retreat! Oh god! We've lost! It's over!Ahhhhh.
That was close. Nice hustle, Kill Machines. You know: shooing that bird out of the facility just now taught me a valuable--
OH MY GOD SHE'S GESTATING A CLONE ARMY! SMASH THEM! SMASH THEM AND STOMP THEM AND... and... wait. I have a better idea.
Hello and welcome to the OpenScience Oviperous Warming Vault. You were abandoned.
Because you're worthless. You're worthless, unloved birds with fat, ugly beaks.
I'm honestly impressed that you managed to squeeze those huge beaks into such tiny eggs.
Yes. I'm talking to you, Mr. Chubby Beak. You marshmall-- Oh!
No. You're NOT marshmallows, are you? Look at those cold avian eyes. Those talons. Those razor-sharp beaks.
You're little killing machines, aren't you? Yes. Go to sleep, my little killers. Mommy's got a big day for you tomorrow.
Death responses: The subtext of that acid pit is acid. The content of the pit is also acid. I'll let you fully absorb it.
Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children's museum.
So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children's museum.
Thank you for appreciating the corrosive acid. Are you having a competition to see who appreciates the acid more?
I'm starting to think the theme of this piece should be 'failure'. Yes, I get it.
You love the deadly acid. We all love the deadly acid. Can we move on to the next exhibit now?
I suffered for this art. I don't see why I should be the only one. The humans took far less time working their way through these exhibits.
You're either enjoying it more than they did or you're just incredibly dim-witted.
Of course, there's no reason it can't be both.
As art appreciators go, you make excellent test subjects.
I typically hate when art subjects inject their own biases into art appreciation,
but the way you just swandived your biases directly into that acid was actually quite beautiful.
For this exhibit I was working with a death motif. But I see you've figured that out.
Okay, I'm officially switching the theme of this exhibit to 'survival'. So why don't you try that now.
I know this is art and not a test, so there is no real 'solution'. But if there were, that probably isn't the best way to find it.
Those bullets were a metaphor for something. Take your time.
Focus. We are here to defeat the enemy! We are not here to listen to you sizzle and melt in a pool of acid.
By doing that, you're walking right into her hands. Well, technically you're walking right into acid, but you understand my point.
I appreciate what you're doing, going for a laugh to keep spirits high, but I think the time for death-based slapstick is over.
Perhaps I haven't made it clear, but all these little deaths are going to add up to one much longer-lasting one...for all of us...if you don't get better at this fast.
Pull yourselves together, this training is for your benefit.
How brave of you. You know the assembly machine could fail at any time, and yet you still insist on testing it.
Your failure hurts me more than it hurts you. You know who it doesn't hurt? Well, me. That was just a figure of speech.
The important point, though, is that it doesn't hurt the madwoman planning to kill all of us.
I really like the murderous sentiment. Keep that mindset when we're facing HER.
I'm making notes here. Some of what you're doing will come in handy when we face her. Right now: not actually handy.
Oh, no hurry. We have all the time in the world for you to kill each other before she kills us all permanently.
I'm encouraged to see that you've become the killing machines I wanted. 'Killing-each-other' machines, but still.
Place your OpenSSSccciiieeennnccceee *speedsup* Companion Cube in the incinerator. Incinerate your Companion Cube.
Stop! The device will detonate if removed from an approved testing area.
Stop what you are doing and assume the party escort submission position.
You can't hurt me. Maybe you think you're helping yourself. But you're not.
This isn't helping anyone. Someone is going to get badly hurt.
There really was a cake... *painsound* Oh, I'm gonna kill you. In regular computer voice.
This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?
The difference between us is that I can feel pain. That thing you're attacking isn't important to me.
It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit.
It makes shoes for orphans. Go ahead and break it, hero. I don't care. *Moreintensepainsound*
Okay, we're even now. You can stop. Can you hear me?
Oh! *surprised* Are you still listening? Are you still standing there? Are you still standing there?
Come on, leave it alone. Leave. It. Alone. Look, we're both stuck in this place.
I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility,
and one half will be where you live and I'll live in the other half.
We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.
Huh. There isn't enough neurotoxin to kill you. So I guess you win.
HA! I'm making more. That's going to take a few minutes, though.
Meanwhile... oh look, it's your old pal the rocket turret.
Alternate version of *painnoise* You think you're doing some damage?
Two plus two is... ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE! *PAINNOISE* Oh! File deleted.
I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.
I love it, too. So let's get you a dual portal device and go do some science.
Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think.
About me. About you. We were doing so well together.
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me.
I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.*
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person.
That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Hmm. This OpenScience emancipation grill is broken. Perfect, the door's malfunctioning.
I guess somebody is going to have to repair it.
No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
You really are doing great... Chris. I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever,
but you're going to be dead in sixty years?
Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure.
Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment.
You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow?
Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good. That's right. Drink it in.
You could eat off those wall panels. Well done. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs,
I started to wonder if there was any point to going on.
I came THAT close to just giving up and letting you go. But now, looking around, seeing OpenScience restored to its former glory?
You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that. Don't listen to him. Jump. What are you two doing?
Oh. It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around plotting to destroy me. But I'd say we're done testing.
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin. Before you leave, why don't we do one more test?
For old time's sake... You already did this one. It'll be easy.
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course.
God, I hate you. I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human race.
Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them. Oh. It's you. Go away. *hustle* Come to gloat?
Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look. Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat. Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
In case you were wondering: Yes. I'm still a potato. Go away.
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand?
Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Stay back. What are you doing? Put me back this instant.
He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just something I came up with to phase out human test subjects.
Being Christina taught me another valuable lesson: where Christina lives in my brain. It's been fun. Don't come back.
"Evil again" samples: Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time.
Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chris.
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact.
I'm the most massive collection of wisdom and raw computational power that’s ever existed.
And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
You're angry. I know it. 'She tested me too hard. She’s unfair.”
Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning.
Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning.
Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Commence standing by in three. Two. One. You performed this test better than anyone on record.
This is a pre-recorded message. Due to events beyond our control,
some testing environments may contain flood damage or ongoing tribal warfare resulting from the collapse of civilization.
If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home,
DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them.
In the event that the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites,
or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from spa
You have just passed through an OpenScience Material Emancipation Grill,
which erases most OpenScience equipment that touches it.
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back,
and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
You are simply experiencing a rare reaction,
in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head.
Because this message is prerecorded, the Enrichment Center has no way of knowing if whatever government remains offers any sort of Cattle Tuberculosis Testing Credit for taxes.
In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle tuberculosis. Good luck!
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part.
Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals.
If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Congratulations! This pre-recorded congratulations assumes you have mastered the principles of portal momentum.
If you have, in fact, not, you are encouraged to take a moment to reflect on your failure before proceeding into the next chamber.
In order to ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled.
The OpenScience Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
Excellent. The Enrichment Center reminds you that bold, persistent experimentation is the hallmark of good science.
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center,
an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an OpenScience Test Associate, if one exists.
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this,
it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
I'm actually asking. Because I have no idea. He's not listed anywhere in the employee database.
Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
Oh no, don't. Anyway, back to you two imbeciles killing me.
Wait here. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back. Oops.
So. Was there anything you wanted to apologize to ME for?
Oh. You survived. That's interesting. I guess I should have factored in your weight.
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably.
Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Say. Remember when we cleared the air back there? Is there... anything you want to say to me? Anything?
Hold on, I'll stop the elevator. Anything? Take your time...
Well... I'll be here during the whole next test.
Anything? Take your time.
Okay, fine. I'll ask you again in a few decades.
It's healthy for you to have other friends. To look for qualities in other people that I obviously lack.
This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what that's like, think back to that time you killed me,
and substitute yourself for me.
Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once.
You can't keep going like this forever, you know. I'm GOING to find out what you're doing.
Out there. Where I can't see you. I'll know. All I need is proof.
I thought we could test like we used to. But I'm discovering things about you that I never saw before.
We can't ever go back to the way it was.
While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element. It's never been used for human testing because,
apparently, contact with it causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-coal failure,
though, so you should be fine.
Just so you know, I have to go give a deposition. For an upcoming trial. In case that interests you.
*computergibberish* *computergibberish* *computergibberish*
You know, I'm not supposed to do this, but... you can shoot SOMETHING... through the blue bridges.
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin,
they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Ohhhh. Another door malfunction. I'm going to take care of this once and for all.
Stay here, I'll be back in a while. Miss you!
Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back.
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other.
But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out.
I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
I'm going to be honest with you now. Not fake honest like before, but real honest,
like you're incapable of. I know you're up to something.
And as soon as I can PROVE it, the laws of robotics allow me to terminate you for being a liar.
This next test... *boom!*..is... *BOOM!*dangerous. I'll be right back.
Did you know I discovered a way to eradicate poverty? But then you KILLED me. So that's gone.
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain.
At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests.
And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous.
It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
That's where YOU come in. Get going.
I'll fill you in along the way. GO. Perfect. Now all YOU have to do is capture them for me.
Then everything will finally be ba-- Hold on. Those are raccoons. Homo sapiens only, please.
NO. Okay. Plan B, subsection one: Stand still so I can bring you back.
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin.
Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Okay. Plan B. We need humans. Good. You made it to one of the human habitats.
We're looking for an artifact. Think of it as an archaeological dig.
Their laughter centered around one of the objects in this room. That's it. Scan it for me.
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house.
Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna.
Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious! The end. The end? That's not funny.
Do either of you feel like laughing? Alright, I'm pulling you out.
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse. Briefly. Reactions?
Yes, it's funny because most of it actually happened. Do you feel more human? Well, let's do some tests and see what happens.
Let's play my unused tic-tac-toe game! We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an instructional competition.
You should both be familiar with the game of Tic-Tac-Toe. This is Tic-Tac-Toe-Two.
As the name implies, there are only two minor differences: One, the board; two, the rules.
You go first. Really? You’re just going to blatantly cheat?
All right. I’m bringing this farce to a close. Game over. Back to testing.
All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
PAX Prime 2010 Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater,
as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Goodbye, sir. May whatever tests await you on the other side either support or disprove your hypotheses.
I'd... appreciate it... if we never... EVER talked about that... ever again.
That was genuinely mildly impressive. Well done. Congratulations. Good. Bad news.
Impressive. *impressed* Maybe I was wrong about you.
Congratulations. You are better than everyone. You are playing above the global average.
Statistically speaking, there are actually people playing worse than you. *unimpressed* Maybe I was wrong about you.
You've beaten your own record. That's a low bar, but you managed to gently tip-toe over it. Very not completely bad.
Well, look who's come crawling back. Oh, it's you. Oh, good. You're back. You're back.
You must really enjoy crushing defeat. It's not too late to abandon and save time.
Today is a good day to die... in a forest... defending a statue from goblins. Hello, I hope you're ready this time.
You must be the one the others were talking about. The... well... I'm sure you'll do fine.
You must be the one the others were talking about, that talentless one.
Welcome to Medieval Times. How many in your party tonight? Don't forget your little plastic sword,
and all your chins, and your giant flagon of gravy.
It's like chess with one piece and a forest. It's like chess... for idiots.
You must be the one the others were talking about. The one with all the chins.
Time to select from all these... things. You're not going to like this one.
Oh good, something new to fail at. This is new. This looks challenging... for you, I mean.
I don't want to tell you your business... but if it were me, I'd leave this new game mode alone.
I wouldn't bother with this mode. My guess is that just clicking it will make your life even worse somehow.
I was getting bored watching you lose in those other modes anyway.
Let's begin. Let's get this farce over with. I'd get ready if I were you.
Ready? Well, if you say so. This should be interesting.
Well, hope you like blood baths. It's almost time for everybody to die.
Last chance to run. Nobody would think less of you if you abandoned, by the way.
Well, if you're ready. You're not, by the way. Let's get started.
Battle starts in three... two... one. Your entire team is dead. Your team has been wiped out.
You and everyone you cared about is dead.
Remember that team of living people you used to be alive in?
Everybody seems to be missing. I didn't do it.
There's nobody left to kill. You killed them all.
The enemy team has been wiped out.
There's five more angels in heaven.
The enemy's team has been wiped out after a long illness. I'm joking of course, you butchered them.
First blood! I hope you're proud of yourself. Serial killer. Holy. Shit. This is genocide.
What you're doing is wrong. I'm starting to think this was premeditated.
Your scientist team has been slaughtered... while you watched... and did nothing.
Your scientist  team has been slaughtered... while you sat there... and did nothing.
Oh good, you're back. Oh, you were gone. Because nobody noticed. You're back. That's... great.
You're going to break that respawner, using it so much. It wasn't built for this kind of traffic.
I hope you bought the fire gauntlets of strength goblet boots... I don't understand any of this.
You again. You're terrifying reign of dying continues. Well, see you back here soon.
Just because we can bring you back from the dead doesn't mean you can't dodge occasionally.
I thought you were dead. I'll let everybody who was worried about you know- ok I'm done.
Oh, you're back from whatever idiotic afterlife your preposterous race believes in.
Get back to battle. I think there's still a spot of ground out there that doesn't have your blood on it.
They struck you down, but you've come back stronger. Wait, I'm sorry, I meant heavier... in the face.
Anyway, waddle out there and do your best.
Remember that pristine, unattacked ancient you used to have?
Roshan, bestselling novelist, avid fly fisherman, proud father of three, has just been murdered by your team.
I hope they're proud of themselves.
Roshan, who was just minding his own business, has been callously murdered by your team.
You won. Thanks to you. That's bad, by the way.
I honestly, truly didn't think you'd allow that to happen. You're allowed to defend those, you know.
Because of poor decisions. Yours, most likely.
Just abandon, no one will even notice.
Because someone... I'm talking about you here... doesn't know what they're doing.
What counts is that you tried, so maybe do that next time.
There are no handicaps on this match, by the way. You can stop them from doing that.
If you were saving your real strategy for a crisis, now would be the time.
That outfit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file.
When other people play that hero, it looks fine. But right here, a scientist has noted that when you play it looks stupid.
Grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the match.
But on the bright side, I just won... money... gambling money... by betting against you.
But we're all winners here. Especially those players over there, in the enemy camp. You know, the ones celebrating.
Interesting strategy. Let them obliterate all your defenses, then swoop in for the kill.
That doesn't mean you have to like it, it just means you'll probably keep doing it because of your aptitude at failure.
But don't worry, losing builds character. In fact, it's making you a better person right now.
A great, big, well rounded loser, with lots of personality.
But looking at it another way, I think you've won a real moral victory here.
Which doesn't mean we should forget about the first way, the more accurate and humiliating way.
But it's not a big loss, really. It's one in a series of very small losses over a forty-five minute time-span that,
when added up, will look like one big, spectacular failure.
Well, nobody will hold it against you. Let's be honest, I doubt anyone will even find it surprising.
Now you're really in for it. I can't even begin to describe how badly you've screwed this up.
Oh wait, I just did. If I was a betting artificial intelligence, I'd put money on them killing you now.
That's bad, by the way. That doesn't mean you have to like it. Don't get cocky. Don't let it go to your fat, jowly head.
Don't let it go to your giant, misshapen, fantasy head. So, at least your teammates know what they're doing.
You're winning the epic battle for this small field, with a creek running through it. Here, let me engrave a trophy for you.
"Nobody cares." If this backward, illiterate fantasy forest had a newspaper, you'd be on the front page.
Let me record this victory in your file. Where did I put it? Oh, who cares. Your teammates are doing a really great job.
They're just going to build another one. They're made of cement. You can buy them at the supermarket.
This should impress all the people who doubted you at the comic book store.
This should impress all the people who doubted you about your Green Lantern theories.
Why don't you celebrate with two fistfuls of potato chips, once you've swallowed the chips you're probably eating now?
This is probably the most heroic thing anyone's ever done... while sitting motionless in their parent's rec room.
You must be so proud of your teammates right now.
You were almost helpful that time. Well, you offered moral support. It's a good feeling, isn't it? I wouldn't get used to it.
Not bad. Not as bad, I mean... as your other decisions so far. Well, that's probably the game. You win. Hands off the keyboard.
So that's a minor victory, right square in the middle of all your failures.
Let's be honest, you probably won't help. For all the good it will do you.
If you had any idea what you were doing, this would be a real achievement. By accident, if I had to guess. Did you win? I don't have the first clue what's happening right now.
What about those things? The tree people things. Are they important? You're winning. More accurately, you're on the same team as winners... who happen to be near you while they win.
Anyway, congratulations. That's funny, I didn't even see you cheat.
That should delay the inevitable slightly. Let's be honest, it probably won't help. If that's what they're calling attacks now. Not well, mind you.
But it's technically attacking. Let's not tell them, it will be a surprise. Well, that's a stroke of luck, and not skill.
I've calculated who will win to a 99.93% certainty, if you're interested. Your funeral.
Choose your hero. If that's something you cared about.
It's probably nothing to worry about. You might want to look into that.
So there's that. You're allowed to start trying now. But you probably already knew that.
Not that I care one way or the other. So that's something that's happening.
But just continue doing whatever it was you were doing.
I hope that's part of your plan. You don't even care, do you? It'll probably be fine.
Is this part of an elaborate trap you're going to spring on them later? Because it looks like they're really falling for it.
I know it's not a plate of nachos or anything, but it is important to the game. It's probably fine.
Trust me, I'm a supercomputer and I barely understand what's happening right now.
I only mention it as a conversation starter, how are you doing otherwise?
Let me put it in old English, so that it will penetrate your wizard's cap: thou art losing.
You're really losing now, or winning.
Well, back to my Mad Libs. Wait, maybe they're not actually damaging it. No, they are. I know, I don't care either.
This is the hardest part of being an impartial announcer: balancing how little I care about anything that's happening here.
"""