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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
<HTML>
<HEAD>
<TITLE>Scientific Humor</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<body>
<H1>Scientific Humor</H1>
<UL>
<li>On a big machine, one barrier can ruin your whole day.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Laurance Rauchwerger, WEST Workshop, February, 2017.</i></p>
<li>Q: How do you protect that data? You can't back it all up. A: I
go to church every Sunday.</li><p align=right><i>--Keith Gray, HPC User Forum, Austin, Texas, September 2016</i></p>
<li>Is that what you mean by "smaller is better"? A smaller
font?</li><p align=right><i>--Al Geist, CORAL Quarterly Review,
August, 2016</i></p>
<li>Dogs are not man's best friend. Its Python. You can do anything
with Python.</li><p align=right><i>--Glen Hammond, Environmental
System Science Workshop on Model-Data Integration</i></p>
<li>When MPI is your hammer, every problem looks like a
thumb.</li><p align=right><i>--Andrew Lumsdaine, 19th International
Workshop on High-Level Parallel Programming Models and Supportive
Environments</i></p>
<li>Big data is like teenage sex: everyone talks about it, nobody
really knows how to do it, everyone thinks everyone else is doing it,
so everyone claims they are doing it...</li><p align=right><i>--Chris
Johnson (quoting Dan Ariely), SIAM Parallel Processing, February
2014</i></p>
<li>...so rather than pretend knowledge where none exists, embrace
ignorance</li><p align=right><i>--Tim Mattson, Workshop on Exascale
Programming Challenges, July 2011</i></p>
<li>That's a practical issue. I'm not a practical person.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Jayadev Misra, Workshop on Exascale Programming
Challenges, July 2011</i></p>
<li>Communication is an issue. The scientist says "...something-Sham
pseudo-potential." The computer scientist says "Oh, you mean array
A."</li><p align=right><i>--Sanjay Kale, International Workshop on
Scalable Engineering Software, June 2010</i></p>
<li>This code is dramatically faster. But it is dramatically
wrong.</li> <p align=right><i>--Jeff Larkin, ORNL, April 2010</i></p>
<li>I don't think there's any debate. Its just that some people are
slower to catch on.</li> <p align=right><i>--Unknown, Workshop on
Architectures and Technology for Extreme Scale Computing, December
2009</i></p>
<li>I'm not a statistician, and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express
last night, so I don't know what I'm talking about...</li> <p
align=right><i>--Marvin Adams, Nuclear Energy Systems at the Extreme
Scale, May 2009</i></p>
<li>If it weren't for the students, and for the administration, the life of
a professor would be pretty darn good!</li>
<p align=right><i>--Barney Maccabe, ORNL, September 2008</i></p>
<li>We're going to... Hey Arnold, pay attention! You're "we"!</li>
<p align=right><i>--Don Batchelor to Arnold Kritz, ITPA CDBM IMAGE WG, May 2007</i></p>
<li>Nature is not as modular as your software, so the recursion has to
stop somewhere.</li>
<p align=right><i>--V. Balaji, MODEST-7c Workshop, September 2006</i></p>
<li>We like to use things that work. That may sound like a pretty low
bar, but you'd be surprised.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Michael Sherman, CompFrame 2005, June 2005</i></p>
<li>I'm not an expert either, but I sit next to one at work.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Gary Kumfert, ORNL, June 2005</i></p>
<li>Everyone has had their heart broken by a parallel language...</li>
<p align=right><i>--Brad Chamberlain, ORNL, May 2005</i></p>
<li>The problem is that the brain capacity of chemists doesn't scale
with Moore's Law.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Torsten ?, SOS9, March 2005</i></p>
<li>This is not our machine. I included this picture because it looks
much better than our machine.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Remy Evard, SOS9, March 2005</i></p>
<li>Its red, so it <i>must</i> be bad.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Pete Beckman, SOS9, March 2005</i></p>
<li>I'm not going to tell you where this graph came from, and I've
stripped off the labels of the X and Y axes.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Pete Beckman, SOS9, March 2005</i></p>
<li>John asked me if I was going to have any insightful comments and I
responded, it depends on how you spell 'incite'.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Phil Colella, SciDAC Math ISICs PI Meeting, October 2004</i></p>
<li>To a quantum chemist, a mouse and a rat don't look that different.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Steve Gwaltney, Bartlett Birthday Symposium, April 2004</i></p>
<li>A picture is worth 1000 words. Sometimes most of them are 4-letter words.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Roger Crawfis, ORNL, December 2003</i></p>
<li>Q: You call that human readable?<p>
A: For a certain class of humans.</p></li>
<p align=right><i>--Audience member and Wael Elwasif, LACSI Symposium, October 2003</i></p>
<li>Ugly problems require ugly solutions.</li><p align=right><i>--Wael
Elwasif, CCA Forum Meeting</i></p>
<li>Nobody wants to be an "alpha" user forever.</li> <p
align=right><i>--Wael Elwasif, Workshop on the Road Map for the
Revitalization of High End Computing, June 2003</i></p>
<li>I was instructed not to express any personal opinions. It doesn't
leave me with much to say.</li> <p align=right><i>--Thomas Sterling,
Workshop on the Road Map for the Revitalization of High End
Computing, June 2003</i></p>
<li>Don't confuse momentum with progress. A rock rolling down hill
has momentum. But if its rolling towards your house, it isn't
progress.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Dan Reed, Workshop on the Road Map for the
Revitalization of High End Computing, June 2003</i></p>
<li>I can't underestimate the importance of this enough...</li>
<p align=right><i>--Sharon Hays, Workshop on the Road Map for the
Revitalization of High End Computing, June 2003</i></p>
<li>Moderator: You have two minutes left. <br>Speaker: Oh, then I'll
have to slow down!</li> <p align=right><i>--Jay Larson, SWMF-ESMF
Interopability and Model Coupling Workshop, February 2003</i></p>
<li>Before we dig this hole deeper, we ought to decide if we like this
hole.</li> <p align=right><i>--Dennis Gannon, CCA Forum, January 2002
</i></p>
<li>Every computer science talk has to have a tree, so here's mine.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Tiffani Williams, ORNL, August 2001</i></p>
<li>The difference between theory and practice is larger in practice
than in theory.</li>
<p align=right><i>--Gary Kumfert, CCA Forum, March 2001</i></p>
<li>The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a
suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for
life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it
finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so
it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.</li>
<p align=right><i>--seen on 'net; original source unknown</i></p>
<li>...they ask, "What do you teach?" When I answer "chemistry," they
get that look like they've just been forced to eat Brussel
sprouts.</li> <p align=right><i>--Scott Wierschke, DoD HPC UG
1997</i></p>
<LI>In real life, chemistry is messy.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--M. Parrinello, 9th ICQC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>It is what they call "embarassingly parallel" but to tell
the truth, I'm not very embarassed.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--M. Parrinello, 9th ICQC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>In colloquial English, "we" means more than one person. If
a king or emperor says "we did it", it means "I did it."
When a professor says "we did it" is means "my graduate
student did it."</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--V. E. Bondybey, 9th ICQC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>10<SUP>23</SUP> simple things is not something you want to deal with
on a Sunday morning.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Richard Stratt, ACTC'96</I></P></DIV>
<LI>We're going to use the method of wishful thinking.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Mike Zerner, ACTC'96</I></P></DIV>
<LI>There's lots of factors of two in this theory. Some of them are right
and some of them are wrong.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Mike Zerner, ACTC'96</I></P></DIV>
<LI>The...term is extremely whimsical but fortunately small.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Grzegorz Chalasinski, EMSL</I></P></DIV>
<I></I>
<LI>The horrible truth in its gory glory.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Again, I think that's something everyone was born with: conservation
of energy, conservation of linear and angular momentum, etc.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>... but then a miracle appeared. I mean a real miracle, courtesy of
Newton or somebody...</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>It's not the fall that kills you, it's the hard stop.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>As usual, energy trumps momentum as a conecpt</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Timing is everything when it comes to killer satellites.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Newton was clearly a smart dude.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>... so I can lecture like a man posessed.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>You have to use a kind of blobology or bagology.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Virtual displacement -- the displacement that time forgot.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Right now I think it's intuitively obvious, which means that I don't
want to prove it.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>It's physics therefore it's right -- or at least it's mathematically
consistent.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Good idea, I think I'll patent it.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>So why did I go through all of this garbage? It has to do with the
fact that I didn't like the Star Trek episode last night.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>All of these are available to the true theoretical mechanician -- Mr.
Bad Wrench.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Now judging from the [exam] average, these were well reasoned, incorrect
arguments.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>I guess that's obvious, which is another way of saying I don't understand
it.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>... the intuitive, i.e. dangerous approach.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>That's what we would jokingly refer to as the answer.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>This actually had something to do with Nelson's defeat of the Spanish
Armada. It seems that the British would fire and hit and the Spanish would
fire and miss... consistently. Then they went to Australia and had to do
it backwards.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>F=ma is always a downer because you have to consider all the forces.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>We may not understand it, but at least we ought to write it down.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>What we always like to do in this case is to pull out a sleazoid mathematical
trick.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>I can't think of any way to say it so I'll use dramatic imagery.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>This is an artist's conception of <I>something</I>.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>There is always a set of axes where life is simple, you just have to
find them.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Proof by intimidation.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>Whoever he is, he's famous.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>I think that's obvious even without the Byzantine imagery.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>My intuition used to be good to 15%, but now its right on.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>I'm running low on symbols.</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
<LI>So we're done with this jazz, thank God!</LI>
<DIV ALIGN=right><P><I>--Jim Wiss, UIUC</I></P></DIV>
</UL>
</BODY>
</HTML>