horoscopes.yml

-
    tweet_id: '949433964380467200'
    content: 'You may need to reinterpret “keep your sales team hungry” when one of your star account executives dies from starvation this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '949263828050694144'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '948899172232650752'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
-
    tweet_id: '948529722044149760'
    content: 'The capricious stars suggest adopting a seventh project tracking tool just to manage the six other ones.'
-
    tweet_id: '948160515473395712'
    content: 'The stars shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to hail an Uber at only 2x surge pricing.'
-
    tweet_id: '947794356336984065'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '947423996852744192'
    content: 'Don’t let your board dictate how your company should grow—instead, let your own incompetence dictate how your company should fail.'
-
    tweet_id: '947058437623599105'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
-
    tweet_id: '946690666452738054'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '946319629483499520'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '945950006099566592'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '945576549637677056'
    content: 'You’ll finally find employment at the manufacturing plant, but at the expense of being able to successfully solve CAPTCHAs from now on.'
-
    tweet_id: '945209440290181120'
    content: 'You will accidentally cause offense after calling the capital markets “bearish,” as they really fancy themselves more as “twinkish.”'
-
    tweet_id: '944837763819560961'
    content: 'You will be disappointed to learn that observing your co-workers use the bathroom is not the intended meaning of “unit testing.”'
-
    tweet_id: '944469917591486465'
    content: 'The capricious stars suggest adopting a seventh project tracking tool just to manage the six other ones.'
-
    tweet_id: '944107134811361280'
    content: 'The stars will restrict public access to its API, forcing you to receive your predictions via their native app.'
-
    tweet_id: '943733790605762560'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '943363584104566784'
    content: 'Your motivation will erode at an accelerated pace when you accidentally mistake your scrum task board for your mood board.'
-
    tweet_id: '942993219792572416'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '942627045217112065'
    content: 'Exercise some open-mindedness—this is the week to finally allow David from accounting to design your company’s new logo.'
-
    tweet_id: '942259202050883584'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '941890932055691265'
    content: 'Your request to “move fast and break things” has finally been heard—your newest junior web developer will be a ten ton white rhinoceros.'
-
    tweet_id: '941524225826975744'
    content: 'Though it’s important to have diverse perspectives on your team, it’s just easier and faster to hire people who look like you.'
-
    tweet_id: '941155185413455872'
    content: 'Your idempotence will cause you to repeat yourself ineffectively, proving once and for all that you don’t know what “idempotence” means.'
-
    tweet_id: '940777936801746944'
    content: 'While it’s condemned to be racist in public, rest assured that you can still be as racist as you want behind the anonymity of the internet.'
-
    tweet_id: '940411603492712448'
    content: 'You may want to approach an older demographic, since the “floppy disk” pick up line is lost on the children.'
-
    tweet_id: '940043464426659840'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '939679733788311554'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
-
    tweet_id: '939548314378424320'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '939173350588502016'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '938800415914844160'
    content: 'The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that CAC must be less than LTV.'
-
    tweet_id: '938436190793097217'
    content: 'As you prepare to fight a 1,000 year crusade, a part of you just can’t help but wonder if that angel funding was even worth it.'
-
    tweet_id: '938070375983874054'
    content: 'You will blow the minds of engineers and chefs alike with your new “lasagna code.”'
-
    tweet_id: '937705825434570752'
    content: 'The stars are happy to provide you with your prediction this week, but only after you sign this NDA.'
-
    tweet_id: '937340270395486208'
    content: 'You will finally live a day of happiness and fulfillment, only to realize that you just were in your room wearing a VR headset.'
-
    tweet_id: '936975872384520192'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '936604553394434048'
    content: 'Seeing the simultaneous razing of 137 hazardous buildings will force you to ask yourself if you’re at the right demo day.'
-
    tweet_id: '936240206243663872'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '935867864292249602'
    content: 'You’ll revisit the meaning of “highly available” after that awkward date with the web server caused it to stop responding to your requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '935499625200529408'
    content: 'You’ll finally find job security by learning to wear many hats, but only after that genetic mutation experiment gone horrifically wrong.'
-
    tweet_id: '935125527723237376'
    content: 'Defying all laws of science, you have inadvertently taught your sex robot, designed with the only intention to fornicate, to be “too tired.”'
-
    tweet_id: '934755745731678208'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '934388983387381760'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
-
    tweet_id: '934021933569658880'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '933650178648702976'
    content: 'They will continue to champion “software is eating the world,” just as you will continue to eat their bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '933281490552569856'
    content: 'You will finally live a day of happiness and fulfillment, only to realize that you just were in your room wearing a VR headset.'
-
    tweet_id: '932917688732733443'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
-
    tweet_id: '932552814714335232'
    content: 'The stars shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to hail an Uber at only 2x surge pricing.'
-
    tweet_id: '932185307172278272'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
-
    tweet_id: '931820659122032641'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
-
    tweet_id: '931446004167204864'
    content: 'You will upend the managerial world by taking the “compliment sandwich” to the next level with the “criticism gyro.”'
-
    tweet_id: '931077730547982337'
    content: 'The remorseful Pisces will stop everything and revert back to the waterfall development method for the next week.'
-
    tweet_id: '930706793277349888'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '930338013296676864'
    content: 'Stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay unoriginal enough to blindly recite this phrase.'
-
    tweet_id: '929970407620440064'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '929598035612651520'
    content: 'While times have certainly been challenging, giving up via a publicly announced separation is guaranteed to make things better.'
-
    tweet_id: '929231046662553600'
    content: 'Cosmic irony will abound when the bot you’ve created to automate your job ends up stealing your friends and banging your exes.'
-
    tweet_id: '928866027051593728'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '928492721366556673'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
-
    tweet_id: '928122978491039745'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
-
    tweet_id: '927752172103708672'
    content: 'You are not without your fans! Too bad they are turned to their highest settings and have blown papers all over your office.'
-
    tweet_id: '927385673958658048'
    content: 'The stars are happy to provide you with your prediction this week, but only after you sign this NDA.'
-
    tweet_id: '927015934740615168'
    content: 'Your smart phone will become a little too smart when it retorts “no, YOU figure out directions to the Whole Foods.”'
-
    tweet_id: '926649896702226432'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '926285311252008960'
    content: 'You’ll finally achieve 99.999% uptime, but please seek immediate medical help if it lasts more than 4 hours.'
-
    tweet_id: '925919838505185280'
    content: 'You’ll finally find job security by learning to wear many hats, but only after that genetic mutation experiment gone horrifically wrong.'
-
    tweet_id: '925554895826182144'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '925188358158061568'
    content: 'Though your offers to accelerate growth comes with altruistic intentions, your proposals will be better received outside of the cancer ward.'
-
    tweet_id: '924818124335206401'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '924449047292907521'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '924078030515048451'
    content: 'Your engineering skills will continue to test the delicate balance of knowing how often to use the force flag when pushing your commits.'
-
    tweet_id: '923706957940244481'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '923337222178463744'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '922971225437110273'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '922600896286085121'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '922231021738905600'
    content: 'Your request to “move fast and break things” has finally been heard—your newest junior web developer will be a ten ton white rhinoceros.'
-
    tweet_id: '921861952439246849'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '921496857251106822'
    content: 'Your name will be mentioned today when your phone number and email get added to a telemarketing list.'
-
    tweet_id: '921128455512776705'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '920972486933712898'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '920601993617526785'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '920238100709888001'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '919866243573846016'
    content: 'You will be going to the gym daily, but only to repeatedly and humiliatingly lose to a Golbat.'
-
    tweet_id: '919492357942366208'
    content: 'Been a 9x engineer your entire life? This week try being a 10x engineer—you may surprise yourself.'
-
    tweet_id: '919126483569991680'
    content: 'You will be embarrassingly reminded that your company’s ability to attract talent is directly correlated with the size of your data.'
-
    tweet_id: '918759985928130560'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '918387685307437056'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '918014166035845120'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '917890481681510400'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '917525668451188739'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '917154810855677952'
    content: 'As you prepare to fight a 1,000 year crusade, a part of you just can’t help but wonder if that angel funding was even worth it.'
-
    tweet_id: '916788082019586048'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '916420881479499776'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
-
    tweet_id: '916055388952432641'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '915686914803552256'
    content: 'Your excitement for the master-slave interactive demo will severely dampened when you learn that it’s about database replication.'
-
    tweet_id: '915320169823719424'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '914950153035018241'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '914587509379813376'
    content: 'Sure, your wife may have failed the Turing test, but at least she has an off switch.'
-
    tweet_id: '914217974659256320'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '913850815118479361'
    content: 'Much to the offense of your co-workers, describing your ethnic preferences in dating does not constitute as a “race condition.”'
-
    tweet_id: '913486931031412738'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '913121791031332865'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '912756249741135875'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '912386860940500992'
    content: 'Stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay unoriginal enough to blindly recite this phrase.'
-
    tweet_id: '912016803148247040'
    content: 'Be on the lookout—your recurring nightmare of Slack climbing out of your laptop to strangle you may materialize this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '911644504586891264'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
-
    tweet_id: '911274891063767040'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '910910966279401473'
    content: 'You will arrive at a decisive fork in the road—be prepared to merge the biggest pull request of your life.'
-
    tweet_id: '910540412540145664'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '910165558393438208'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '909793848066527232'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '909428746872066048'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '909388633802756096'
    content: 'You will finally experience a meteoric rise to success, but only moments before you fall out of orbit and crash onto the face of the Earth.'
-
    tweet_id: '909009605379928064'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '908641466569957376'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '908273773262012416'
    content: 'Seeing the simultaneous razing of 137 hazardous buildings will force you to ask yourself if you’re at the right demo day.'
-
    tweet_id: '907902758585602048'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '907533157846614017'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '907164554286821377'
    content: 'You will upend the managerial world by taking the “compliment sandwich” to the next level with the “criticism gyro.”'
-
    tweet_id: '906798440595763200'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '906430850669203457'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
-
    tweet_id: '906063456075489280'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '905696109284261888'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '905452754591723521'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '905084997605969921'
    content: 'While your enthusiasm and passion were genuinely appreciated, imitating an aggressive orgasm was incorrect when asked to define “Big O.”'
-
    tweet_id: '904719689892470784'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '904351013531942912'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '903985140136902657'
    content: 'Though the all-in-one entertainment console wasn’t intended for carnal pleasures, don’t let that nip your fetish for entertainment consoles.'
-
    tweet_id: '903621496882462720'
    content: 'The cosmos will continue to expand at an exponential rate, which will ultimately have no impact on your monthly active users this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '903563357244063745'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '903194309603852289'
    content: 'Your vanity will reach new heights when you are the first to create a “shallow learning” algorithm.'
-
    tweet_id: '902823132020572160'
    content: 'Exercise some open-mindedness—this is the week to finally allow David from accounting to design your company’s new logo.'
-
    tweet_id: '902456007787413506'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '902087598616739840'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '901717082768801792'
    content: 'Your company’s dedication to transparency, though praised, may be too much when it’s annual report reveals your deepest sexual fetishes.'
-
    tweet_id: '901352066441981952'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '900979544697569280'
    content: 'You’ll finally find employment at the manufacturing plant, but at the expense of being able to successfully solve CAPTCHAs from now on.'
-
    tweet_id: '900612125693022208'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
-
    tweet_id: '900243107329048576'
    content: 'No Meetings Thursday will be replaced by Mandatory Highly Structured and Institutionalized Socialization Wednesday.'
-
    tweet_id: '899876050255179776'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '899511068451639296'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '899145759089729537'
    content: 'The stars indicate that, though some failures lead to learning and growth, your failures this week are really just failures.'
-
    tweet_id: '898777953508573185'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '898407915895246848'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '898040019818098688'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '897672808842526725'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '897299922780917761'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '896929038765350914'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '896556871833858048'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '896192473558548480'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '895820098367348738'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '895451953731325953'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '895075188517294081'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '894709375591481344'
    content: 'Your engineering skills will continue to test the delicate balance of knowing how often to use the force flag when pushing your commits.'
-
    tweet_id: '894343521049731072'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '893973721794437120'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '893608398473879552'
    content: 'Your progressive startup will replace its male and female bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket.'
-
    tweet_id: '893239803751403520'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
-
    tweet_id: '892871986581471232'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '892504849505562625'
    content: 'The stars will be coming to you for answers if you don’t hit their quarterly investment predictions.'
-
    tweet_id: '892138535586811904'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '891763287385403396'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '891394959550664704'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '891028305310298112'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '890658178701991936'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '890289146962509824'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '889924402938343426'
    content: 'Your commitment to embrace the “tribe” value of your startup will be met with confused horror when you sacrifice a goat during all-hands.'
-
    tweet_id: '889559005575643137'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '889185776319287300'
    content: 'They will continue to champion “software is eating the world,” just as you will continue to eat their bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '888820686378213376'
    content: 'You will finally live a day of happiness and fulfillment, only to realize that you just were in your room wearing a VR headset.'
-
    tweet_id: '888454383243067393'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '888235721693290497'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '887864838751432706'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '887500019108106240'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '887132729766273024'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '886758602345771009'
    content: 'Your tendency to tell jokes, while amusing at first, will be distracting during the team’s daily standups.'
-
    tweet_id: '886393648610455552'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '886026109510352897'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '885661950352531456'
    content: 'Your insatiable appetite for entire pizza pies will be the bane of every manager’s existence.'
-
    tweet_id: '885291143516360704'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '884920141523415040'
    content: 'After days of profuse sweating, you will start to question whether or not you’re in the right kind of incubator.'
-
    tweet_id: '884550799371759616'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884526708635971585'
    content: 'Your app that visually endows you like a stallion will be rejected by the virtual reality marketplace as it is actually “virtual fantasy.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884494037570420739'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '884323173243781120'
    content: 'Don’t let your board dictate how your company should grow—instead, let your own incompetence dictate how your company should fail.'
-
    tweet_id: '883957879396593664'
    content: 'Remember—if you crash and burn as a founder in the valley, you can still become a VC.'
-
    tweet_id: '883586869979742208'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
-
    tweet_id: '883211158660022273'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '882837842426302464'
    content: 'Remember: your worth as a human being is tied directly to the month-over-month percentage growth of your company.'
-
    tweet_id: '882474634658156544'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '882149101575524352'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '881784194178973696'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '881418421505798144'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
-
    tweet_id: '881050078236082178'
    content: 'The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that CAC must be less than LTV.'