Sentiment Analysis.ipynb

{
 "cells": [
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 12,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# import libraries\n",
    "import pandas as pd\n",
    "import matplotlib.pyplot as plt\n",
    "from textblob import TextBlob"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 6,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# let's read the dataset \n",
    "data = pd.read_pickle('clean_corpus_with_full_names.pkl')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 7,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/html": [
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       "    }\n",
       "\n",
       "    .dataframe thead th {\n",
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       "    }\n",
       "</style>\n",
       "<table border=\"1\" class=\"dataframe\">\n",
       "  <thead>\n",
       "    <tr style=\"text-align: right;\">\n",
       "      <th></th>\n",
       "      <th>transcript</th>\n",
       "      <th>full_name</th>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </thead>\n",
       "  <tbody>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ali</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ali Wong</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>anthony</th>\n",
       "      <td>thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Anthony Jeselnik</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bill</th>\n",
       "      <td>all right thank you thank you very much thank...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bill Burr</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bo</th>\n",
       "      <td>bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bo Burnham</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>dave</th>\n",
       "      <td>this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Dave Chappelle</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>hasan</th>\n",
       "      <td>what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Hasan Minhaj</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>jim</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Jim Jefferies</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>joe</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Joe Rogan</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>john</th>\n",
       "      <td>armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...</td>\n",
       "      <td>John Mulaney</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>louis</th>\n",
       "      <td>introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Louis C.K.</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>mike</th>\n",
       "      <td>wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Mike Birbiglia</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ricky</th>\n",
       "      <td>hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ricky Gervais</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </tbody>\n",
       "</table>\n",
       "</div>"
      ],
      "text/plain": [
       "                                                transcript         full_name\n",
       "ali      ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...          Ali Wong\n",
       "anthony  thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...  Anthony Jeselnik\n",
       "bill      all right thank you thank you very much thank...         Bill Burr\n",
       "bo       bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...        Bo Burnham\n",
       "dave     this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...    Dave Chappelle\n",
       "hasan      what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...      Hasan Minhaj\n",
       "jim         ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...     Jim Jefferies\n",
       "joe         ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...         Joe Rogan\n",
       "john     armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...      John Mulaney\n",
       "louis    introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...        Louis C.K.\n",
       "mike     wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...    Mike Birbiglia\n",
       "ricky    hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...     Ricky Gervais"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 7,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# preview data\n",
    "data"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "- we have the corpus of transcripts by all comedians"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 10,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/html": [
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       "    }\n",
       "\n",
       "    .dataframe thead th {\n",
       "        text-align: right;\n",
       "    }\n",
       "</style>\n",
       "<table border=\"1\" class=\"dataframe\">\n",
       "  <thead>\n",
       "    <tr style=\"text-align: right;\">\n",
       "      <th></th>\n",
       "      <th>transcript</th>\n",
       "      <th>full_name</th>\n",
       "      <th>polarity</th>\n",
       "      <th>subjectivity</th>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </thead>\n",
       "  <tbody>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ali</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ali Wong</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.066938</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.482403</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>anthony</th>\n",
       "      <td>thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Anthony Jeselnik</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.054471</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.559077</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bill</th>\n",
       "      <td>all right thank you thank you very much thank...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bill Burr</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.017374</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.536474</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bo</th>\n",
       "      <td>bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bo Burnham</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.080360</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.554117</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>dave</th>\n",
       "      <td>this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Dave Chappelle</td>\n",
       "      <td>-0.003429</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.513205</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>hasan</th>\n",
       "      <td>what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Hasan Minhaj</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.091424</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.454956</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>jim</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Jim Jefferies</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.048750</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.529328</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>joe</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Joe Rogan</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.010167</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.551108</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>john</th>\n",
       "      <td>armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...</td>\n",
       "      <td>John Mulaney</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.079627</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.483822</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>louis</th>\n",
       "      <td>introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Louis C.K.</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.058992</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.516348</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>mike</th>\n",
       "      <td>wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Mike Birbiglia</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.092897</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.518925</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ricky</th>\n",
       "      <td>hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ricky Gervais</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.065136</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.497274</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </tbody>\n",
       "</table>\n",
       "</div>"
      ],
      "text/plain": [
       "                                                transcript         full_name  \\\n",
       "ali      ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...          Ali Wong   \n",
       "anthony  thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...  Anthony Jeselnik   \n",
       "bill      all right thank you thank you very much thank...         Bill Burr   \n",
       "bo       bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...        Bo Burnham   \n",
       "dave     this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...    Dave Chappelle   \n",
       "hasan      what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...      Hasan Minhaj   \n",
       "jim         ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...     Jim Jefferies   \n",
       "joe         ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...         Joe Rogan   \n",
       "john     armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...      John Mulaney   \n",
       "louis    introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...        Louis C.K.   \n",
       "mike     wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...    Mike Birbiglia   \n",
       "ricky    hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...     Ricky Gervais   \n",
       "\n",
       "         polarity  subjectivity  \n",
       "ali      0.066938      0.482403  \n",
       "anthony  0.054471      0.559077  \n",
       "bill     0.017374      0.536474  \n",
       "bo       0.080360      0.554117  \n",
       "dave    -0.003429      0.513205  \n",
       "hasan    0.091424      0.454956  \n",
       "jim      0.048750      0.529328  \n",
       "joe      0.010167      0.551108  \n",
       "john     0.079627      0.483822  \n",
       "louis    0.058992      0.516348  \n",
       "mike     0.092897      0.518925  \n",
       "ricky    0.065136      0.497274  "
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 10,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# add polarity and subjectivity for all the text data in the dataset\n",
    "\n",
    "# UDFs for extracting polarity and subjectivity\n",
    "pol = lambda x : TextBlob(x).sentiment.polarity\n",
    "sub = lambda x : TextBlob(x).sentiment.subjectivity\n",
    "\n",
    "# add them to dataset\n",
    "data['polarity'] = data['transcript'].apply(pol)\n",
    "data['subjectivity'] = data['transcript'].apply(sub)\n",
    "\n",
    "# preview dataset\n",
    "data"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 31,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "Text(0, 0.5, '< - Facts - - - - - Opinion - >')"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 31,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    },
    {
     "data": {
      "image/png": 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\n",
      "text/plain": [
       "<Figure size 1080x504 with 1 Axes>"
      ]
     },
     "metadata": {
      "needs_background": "light"
     },
     "output_type": "display_data"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# plot results\n",
    "plt.figure(figsize=(15,7))\n",
    "\n",
    "for index, comedian in enumerate(data.index):\n",
    "    x = data['polarity'].loc[comedian]\n",
    "    y = data['subjectivity'].loc[comedian]\n",
    "    plt.scatter(x, y, color='blue')\n",
    "    plt.text(x+.001, y+0.001, data['full_name'][index], fontsize=10)\n",
    "    \n",
    "plt.title(\"Sentiment Analysis\", fontsize=20)\n",
    "plt.xlabel(\"<- Negative - - - - - Positive - >\", fontsize=15)\n",
    "plt.ylabel(\"< - Facts - - - - - Opinion - >\", fontsize=15)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "## Sentiment over time\n",
    "Instead of looking at the sentiment of the whole comedy routine, let us split it over multiple time ranges and analyse their sentiments"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 32,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "# split routine into 10 parts\n",
    "import numpy as np\n",
    "import math\n",
    "\n",
    "# UDF to split transcript\n",
    "def split_text(text, n=10):\n",
    "    '''\n",
    "    Takes in a string of text and splits it into n equal parts\n",
    "    '''\n",
    "    \n",
    "    # calculate length of text, size of each chunk of text and the starting points of each chunk of text\n",
    "    length = len(text)\n",
    "    size = math.floor(length/n)\n",
    "    start = np.arange(0, length, size)\n",
    "    \n",
    "    # pull out equally size pieces of text and put it into a list\n",
    "    split_list = []\n",
    "    for piece in range(n):\n",
    "        split_list.append(text[start[piece]:start[piece]+size])\n",
    "    return split_list"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 33,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/html": [
       "<div>\n",
       "<style scoped>\n",
       "    .dataframe tbody tr th:only-of-type {\n",
       "        vertical-align: middle;\n",
       "    }\n",
       "\n",
       "    .dataframe tbody tr th {\n",
       "        vertical-align: top;\n",
       "    }\n",
       "\n",
       "    .dataframe thead th {\n",
       "        text-align: right;\n",
       "    }\n",
       "</style>\n",
       "<table border=\"1\" class=\"dataframe\">\n",
       "  <thead>\n",
       "    <tr style=\"text-align: right;\">\n",
       "      <th></th>\n",
       "      <th>transcript</th>\n",
       "      <th>full_name</th>\n",
       "      <th>polarity</th>\n",
       "      <th>subjectivity</th>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </thead>\n",
       "  <tbody>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ali</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ali Wong</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.066938</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.482403</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>anthony</th>\n",
       "      <td>thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Anthony Jeselnik</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.054471</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.559077</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bill</th>\n",
       "      <td>all right thank you thank you very much thank...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bill Burr</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.017374</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.536474</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>bo</th>\n",
       "      <td>bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Bo Burnham</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.080360</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.554117</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>dave</th>\n",
       "      <td>this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Dave Chappelle</td>\n",
       "      <td>-0.003429</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.513205</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>hasan</th>\n",
       "      <td>what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Hasan Minhaj</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.091424</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.454956</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>jim</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Jim Jefferies</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.048750</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.529328</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>joe</th>\n",
       "      <td>ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Joe Rogan</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.010167</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.551108</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>john</th>\n",
       "      <td>armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...</td>\n",
       "      <td>John Mulaney</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.079627</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.483822</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>louis</th>\n",
       "      <td>introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Louis C.K.</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.058992</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.516348</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>mike</th>\n",
       "      <td>wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Mike Birbiglia</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.092897</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.518925</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "    <tr>\n",
       "      <th>ricky</th>\n",
       "      <td>hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...</td>\n",
       "      <td>Ricky Gervais</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.065136</td>\n",
       "      <td>0.497274</td>\n",
       "    </tr>\n",
       "  </tbody>\n",
       "</table>\n",
       "</div>"
      ],
      "text/plain": [
       "                                                transcript         full_name  \\\n",
       "ali      ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the sta...          Ali Wong   \n",
       "anthony  thank you thank you thank you san francisco th...  Anthony Jeselnik   \n",
       "bill      all right thank you thank you very much thank...         Bill Burr   \n",
       "bo       bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and...        Bo Burnham   \n",
       "dave     this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living...    Dave Chappelle   \n",
       "hasan      what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to ...      Hasan Minhaj   \n",
       "jim         ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the ...     Jim Jefferies   \n",
       "joe         ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  wha...         Joe Rogan   \n",
       "john     armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the fo...      John Mulaney   \n",
       "louis    introfade the music out let’s roll hold there ...        Louis C.K.   \n",
       "mike     wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey se...    Mike Birbiglia   \n",
       "ricky    hello hello how you doing great thank you wow ...     Ricky Gervais   \n",
       "\n",
       "         polarity  subjectivity  \n",
       "ali      0.066938      0.482403  \n",
       "anthony  0.054471      0.559077  \n",
       "bill     0.017374      0.536474  \n",
       "bo       0.080360      0.554117  \n",
       "dave    -0.003429      0.513205  \n",
       "hasan    0.091424      0.454956  \n",
       "jim      0.048750      0.529328  \n",
       "joe      0.010167      0.551108  \n",
       "john     0.079627      0.483822  \n",
       "louis    0.058992      0.516348  \n",
       "mike     0.092897      0.518925  \n",
       "ricky    0.065136      0.497274  "
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 33,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# preview dataset\n",
    "data"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 34,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "[['ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage ali wong hi hello welcome thank you thank you for coming hello hello we are gonna have to get this shit over with ’cause i have to pee in like ten minutes but thank you everybody so much for coming um… it’s a very exciting day for me it’s been a very exciting year for me i turned  this year yes thank you five people i appreciate that uh i can tell that i’m getting older because now when i see an  girl my automatic thought… is “fuck you” “fuck you i don’t even know you but fuck you” ‘cause i’m straight up jealous i’m jealous first and foremost of their metabolism because  girls they could just eat like shit and then they take a shit and have a sixpack right they got thatthat beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating throughand then when they go to sleep they just go to sleep right they don’t have insomnia yet they don’t know what it’s like to have to take a ambien or download a meditation oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind they have their whole lives ahead of them they don’t have hpv yet they just go to sleep in peace at night everybody has hpv ok everybody has it it’s ok come out already everybody has it if you don’t have it yet you go and get it you go and get it it’s coming you don’t have hpv yet you’re a fucking loser all right that’s what that says about you a lot of men don’t know that they have hpv because it’s undetectable in men it’s really fucked up hpv is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says “boo” in women’s bodies my doctor told me that i have one of two strains of hpv either i have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or i have the kind where my body will heal itself very helpful this doctor right so basically either i’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of wolverine bitches we’ll find out um i can also tell that i’m getting older because my kindle is turning into a selfhelp library i’m not interested in books like fifty shades of grey ok i’m interested in the lifechanging magic of tidying up yes yes that’s right how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success that’s what your  is all about how can i turn this shit around i’m a horrible person i’m not happy with where i am how can i turn this shit around help me tony robbins help mei have a hoarding problem which i’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems i’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away the hpv will also disappear i have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth so you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the communiststhe last time i was at home in san francisco i was trying to help her get rid of shit don’t ever do that with your mom it was like the worst experience of my life it was so emotional we were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a texas instruments … manual the manual she don’t even know… where the calculator is those of you under  probably don’t know what that calculator is it was this calculator that bamboozled my generation we were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade it cost like  and everybody thought it was like this judy jetson’s laptop from the future all because what it could graph it was like the tesla of my time and my mom got so emotional abou',\n",
       "  't the manual and she was like “you never know when you might need this” and i was like “but… i do know… that i’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die” “and i’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore because according to deepakoprah that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success” i grew up a lot this past year uh this past year i also got married yeah to a man who now has hpv very lucky guy he gave me something i gave him something that will also last forever no really i’m the lucky girl because before him i dated a lot of losers lots of losers a lot of skaters you wanna be a grownass woman stop dating skaters stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen they’re sexy on the outside malt liquor on the inside horrible but my husband i first met him at this wedding and uh he’s– he’s much better looking than me he’s way out of my league and i saw him and i was like “oh my god who is that” and the first thing i learned about him was that at the time he was attending harvard business school and i was like “oh my god i’m gonna trap his ass” “going to trap his ass” and i trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date which is a very unusual move on my part but i did it on purpose because i knew that he was a catch so i was like “all right ali you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden” when really it’s a public park… …that has hosted many reggae fests… …and has even accidentally let… two homeless people inside i thought they were hipsters ok that store urban outfitters has made things very confusing… for my generation you homeless or you a hipster is that beard for fashion or for warmth it happened to… it happened in san francisco when i was living there and i saw this guy in broad daylight and we had like we had… we had so much chemistry he was like “hey wassup” i was like “wassup” and we– the next thing i knew we were getting busy in the back of my volvo and then after we were done he was like “hey can you drop me off” i was like “where” he was like “at the park” and i dropped him off at golden gate park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends and i was like “oh no” “i just fucked a homeless dude again” my husband is asian which a lot of people are shocked by because usually asianamerican women who like you know wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions they like to date white dudes you go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in america and that shit is turning into a yoko ono factory it’s… too much i don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches i get it you know because being with a white dude you feel very… you feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude you know you feel like you’re in a wes anderson movie or something and you know white dudes they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling and disturbing documentaries they introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very you know it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude i mean nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy oh my god i just feel like i’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement… …you know just right there through the money hole and just… and then also he’s so vulnerable down there i’m like “i could just crush your head at any moment white man i could just kill you right now crush those brains colonize the colonizer” you knowbut i think that for marriage it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race the advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together you get to say whatever you like you don’t gotta explain shit my husband halffilipino halfjapanese i’m halfchinese and halfvietnamese ',\n",
       "  'and we spend  percent of our time shitting on korean people it’s… amazing it’s what love is built on you knowmy last boyfriend was cuban and his family would shit on mexican people all the time and i was like “hold it you guys aren’t mexican” asianamerican men are very underrated i don’t know why people don’t go for them they’re the sexiest asian men are the sexiest they got no body hair from the neck down it’s like making love to a dolphin oh my god it’s so smooth just like a slip and slide just black fish tilikum all up in my bed every night you know oohwee you mess with a jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards it’s all red and inflamed and you’re like “i did not ask to be exfoliated today” “this is the last time i go on jdate more like loofah date thanks for the rug burn avi” and then asian men no body odor none they just smell like responsibility that’s where the umami flavor comes fromi think my husband and i have a huge unspoken understanding uh between each other because he’s halffilipino and halfjapanese and i’m halfchinese and halfvietnamese so we’re both halffancy asian… …and halfjungle asian yeah you guys know the difference the fancy asians are the chinese the japanese they get to do fancy things like host olympics jungle asians host diseases it’s… it’s different but he grew up on the east coast going to private school playing lacrosse uh you know learning latin and playing chess and rugby he grew up like filipino carlton ok so he didn’t know anything about vietnamese people until he met me and on one of our first dates he took me to this restaurant on the west side of los angeles called pho show he was like “it’s authentic vietnamese i read about it on yelp” i was like “it’s not authentic ok” you can tell first and foremost by the name ’cause it don’t got a number in it second of all you can tell by the bathroom if it was legit the bathroom would double as a supply closet when i pee i need to see ten gallons of bleach an atm machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner and the wait staff here is too nice we need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused i grew up going to private school too him and i are both total like private school asians we both are big hippies too we like to backpack through southeast asia we like to do yoga we do ayahuasca ceremonies we do silent meditation retreats that’s right we pay  to shut up for a weekend we do shit like that uh we eat glutenfree which means we eat all that bread that tastes like freerange chewbacca we eat that lesbian bread that’s like… …a thousand percent of your daily fiber… and  percent spoken word poetry when you eat it you queef a shitty poem about… …supporting caitlyn jenner or whatever and so it’s funny right because he’s asian too but sometimes all of this hippydippy shit we do… makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of asian people like we have these chinese scrolls up on the wall… and neither of us know what the fuck they mean we’re like “oh that seems to go very well with our buddha piggy bank from pier  imports that seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house him and i had been dating for four years and i– i just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose… because… i had been pressuring him to do it so you know i just had this wacky women’s intuition that’s how proposals really work ok a woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head first passively and then if he doesn’t get the message extremely aggressively you gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving because you know that you’re too old and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again so you’re like ',\n",
       "  '“i’m just gonna stick with this dude focus on trapping this dude and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like “shut the fuck up fine will you marry me” and then afterwards the woman is always like “oh my god he proposed” “it came outta nowhere and look he got me the exact ring i wanted how did he know maybe he saw it on my pinterest page or something… that i sent to my best friend that i told her to send to him every day” let me tell you something if a man has a pinterest page… he’s probably pinterested in men we got engaged on a saturday i bought my wedding dress the following tuesday… because i had tried it on in  i was ready i was ripe i was rotten i need to be made into banana bread that’s how rotten i was people are always very surprised at how offstage with my husband i’m a completely different person you– like you would not recognize my personality at all with him with him i’m very soft and like very nurturing and very domestic we’ve been together now for five years and for five years i’ve packed his lunch every single day yeah yes yes yes i did that so that he’d become dependent on me ‘cause he graduated from harvard business school and i don’t wanna work anymore i don’t i straight up don’t wanna work anymore i don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart i do it as an investment in my financial future ‘cause i don’t wanna work anymore i’ve been reading that book by sheryl sandberg she’s the coo of facebook and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top and her book is called lean in well i don’t wanna lean in ok i wanna lie down i want to lie the fuck down i think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women our job used to be no job we had it so good we could have done the smart thing which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like “we’re dumb women we don’t know how to do anything so i guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch ellen” “‘cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility” and then all these women had to show off and be like “we could do it we could do anything” “bitch shut up” “don’t tell them the secret” they ruined it for us and now we’re expected to work when i hear the phrase “doubleincome household” i wanna throw up a lot of women get very upset with me about those comments and they’re like “but ali we have so many more options now” oh you don’t think we had a lot of options when our day was free unscheduled unsupervised and most importantly sponsored do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn ita lot of my friends when we walk around together they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street and they’ll be like “look at that fucking housewife not doing anything look at that housewife just walking around all day getting massages in her lululemon pants” i’m like “that bitch is a genius” “she’s not a housewife she’s retired”i do write for fresh off the boat on abc yeah which is… it’s a great show i love it a lot i love my coworkers it’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs it’s probably one of the best you could ask for but i still gotta work at a office every day which means i gotta shit in a office every day housewives they don’t gotta shit in a office housewives get to shit in their house skin to seat they don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover they don’t gotta… …ten times a day every day… like you’re about to eat a sadass meal they don’t gotta do that they don’t gotta use that oneply toilet paper that office toilet paper that they purpos',\n",
       "  'ely make difficult to pull out they try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that’s not even effective it basically just dehydrates your butt hole it’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert i literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago to try to make a macgyver baby wipe to moisten it and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out and then i had to start all over again and you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed ’cause you’re paranoid that your coworker’s gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall and you’re like “oh no courtney’s listening she’s waiting she’s timing me” and then you hurry hurry hurry and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long and then if you dare scratch yourself your underwear at the end of the day looks like it’s been run over by the goonies housewives they don’t gotta muffle their shit too they don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out they don’t gotta try to you know squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep deep shame housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much netflix on their ipad as they want they don’t gotta take these boring repressed shits they can listen to podcasts planet money they can do whatever they wantyou know it’s– it’s very distracting for me when i hear my coworkers blow ass into the toilet i lose respect for them nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence i heard one of my coworkers blow ass into the toilet the other day this bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say “you need to get to work on time” i was like “you need to eat bananas” “i saw those green ballet flats i know that shit was you don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when i heard you not have your shit together” my fatherinlaw had this huge sitdown with me and my husband recently um and he was like “hey i wanna talk to you guys about money you guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had” i was like “why you telling me this shit i should not be a part of this conversation you tell you son that don’t your understand that i trapped your son for his earning potential why else would i choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life i chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement and when i said ‘i do’ what i really meant was ‘oh i’m done” i’m done i don’t wanna work anymore and i’m not dieting anymore since i got married last year i’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since that’s right and just fulfilling my destiny which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes like mrs pacman just… let’s redecoratei gave up a lot of myself when i got married i’m a– i’m a disgusting pervert i’m a pervert i’m a gross filthy animal and i think it’s because i started watching porn at a very young age and what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that… yyou get sicker and sicker and sicker the images you crave get sicker and sicker and sicker but it’s ok because the internet will always catch up to youi broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back i was like “uh you’re a idiot dude do you realize that if i went on craigslist… and posted ‘tiny asian female seeking anal…’ the internet would crash” “and all the jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode” they would explode a lot of women get really you know… fr',\n",
       "  'eaked out about anal and they’re like “oh i don’t wanna do that i’m scared of– of the pain” you ain’t scared of the pain women they wax their eyebrows they do all sorts of crazy shit you’re not scared of the pain what you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick you’re scared that he’s gonna see that and that’s gonna be all of your shame your inner evil all your secrets and lies sephora can’t help you now but don’t worry ’cause when he puts it in the butt all he’s thinking about is “i just put it in her butt” “i gotta go call my mom my dad dave my grandma” you’re– if you’re married you’re gonna have to do anal eventually ok you have to because you gotta change it up you gotta change it up so that you don’t cheat on each other you gotta keep it interesting if you put it in different holes maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people i was very sexually active in my  and as a result i’m a little bit… …stretched out down there ok so when i finally did anal i just felt like i got a second chance at life you know i was like “oh my god it’s like i’m going back in time” ♪ a whole new world ♪ it was magical a big fantasy of mine before i got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate yeah like a conqueror i just wanted to… now if you haven’t done it before ladies go home and treat yourself do it tonight you only live once yolo just sneak your– just give your man a little– a little pushpush in the tushtush just give him a little atari you know and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first you’ll get a lot of “no no no no please no really i don’t– no i don’t i don’t no” they get all squirmy wormy because… they’re scared they’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed and they like it that then it might mean that they’re gay and i like that fear that shit turns me on you know especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure oh my god and you just see the look in the man’s eye like he’s discovered nirvana and it’s like you’re the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole and then you as the woman in his eyes just become the lord of the rim you know my husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me when– when i’ve asked him to spank me this is what he does “hey hey are you ok are you all right you know i respect you right” i’m like “yes i know you respect me and that’s why you need to abuse me ok” ‘cause it’s the most strongheaded loudmouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed women who are ceos they just wanna be roughed around they just want their– glasses always means the woman wants some– it’s because we’re so in control all the time that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control you know like “i don’t wanna die don’t kill me i don’t wanna die” but i also don’t want to be sure that i’m gonna live you know i just wanna be out of control for once just– just choke me enough so that i can’t talk ‘cause if i can talk i’m gonna tell you what to do and i’m tired of being the boss i’m the boss all the time so in the bedroom you be the boss yes because i’m the real boss and i told you so motherfucker so do it sheryl sandberg that woman who wrote lean in has had such a big impact that now because of her there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools because according to her it’s sexist to use the word “bossy” because boys are never called bossy so now instead of saying “you’re bossy” you’re supposed to say “you have executive leadership skills” which is a very roundabout way of saying “you’re a little cunt” i’m just waiting for the right moment to like become a housewife financially you know i want my husband to get us to like a certain point financially i wanna get to',\n",
       "  ' the point as a couple where i can comfortably afford sliced mango know what i’m talking about i’m talking about that whole foods mango that  whole foods mango that was sliced by white people that’s the kind of income bracket i’m striving for that’s when you know you’ve made it when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named noah i want noah mango… …rebecca kiwi danielle pineapple you know what else i want i wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk see a quarter and just keep on walking like a princess i have some useful advice for all my asianamerican brothers and sisters yeah never go paintballing with a vietnam veteran so i don’t know if you guys can tell but i am seven and a half months pregnant yeah it’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant because female comics… don’t get pregnant just try to think of one i dare you there’s– none of them once they do get pregnant they generally disappear that’s not the case with male comics once they have a baby they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like “guys i just had this fucking baby that baby’s a little piece of shit it’s so annoying and boring” and all these other shitty dads in the audience are like “that’s hilarious i identify” and their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden meanwhile the mom is at home chapping her nipples feeding the fucking baby and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up she’s busy so i don’t know what’s gonna happen to me you know a lot of my female standup comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid and they were like “ali why are you gonna have a kid you just gonna become– you’re gonna disappear and you’re gonna become some lame stayathome mom” i was like “yeah that’s the dream” that’s the point this is the ultimate trap i won you knowanother thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid they were like “why are you gonna have a kid why don’t you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached” i was like “yeah that’s cool… until my husband dies” which he’s definitely gonna before me because i’m a asian woman and therefore guaranteed to live until i’m a billion i’m guaranteed like a turtle from the galapagos ok we all know the phrase “black don’t crack” well asian don’t die we don’t die especially the women we live forever and you know why we’re such bad drivers because we’re trying to die we’re like “yeah let me see how invincible i really am” “imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely” “i’m gonna make a right turn– i changed my mind it’s a uturn” “i changed my mind again it’s a oturn” every time i get into a car accident… …i’m like “oh my god not again” i need to hide my face so that everybody doesn’t see that it’s what everybody thought it was gonna be so embarrassing my toyota corolla is a mess there’s this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere and then on the hood there’s multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence i don’t know what’s wrong with me but i’m still here you know i need to have children to keep me company when i get older it’s lonely my mom is  going through a full blown midlife crisis ‘cause she knows that she’s got a century more to go and she is so lonely all of her white friends dead her mexican friends dead black friends dead i’m just kidding she doesn’t have any black friends life is not rush hour the movie ok i need children to be there for me when i’m o',\n",
       "  'lder when i get as old as her and when i say be there for me i mean pay for me when my husband isn’t around to support me anymore i’m not trying to be one of those old chinese ladies who recycles for a living that’s not my destiny ok old chinese ladies they don’t give a fuck they got no shame they’re like “i’m just gonna recycle… go bald… go to the park do this shit” they do that ’cause it’s a free activity for them they do it in their– their bigass v stiviano visor their darth vadertomb raider boba fett helmet they wear that to protect themselves from their archnemesis the sun their in a contest to see who’s gonna burn out first old asian ladies and the sun are like the tupac and biggie of longevity i also decided to have a kid because uh i’m only  which i know is not technically highrisk but my body was starting to show signs of change and it– and it scared me like i’m only  and… …my pussy is not as wet as it used to be it’s very demoralizing ok do you remember when you were  years old and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time all the time you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment you throw up the peace sign afterwards and there would be that snailtrail in between your fingers oh my god it was so juicy you could just blow a bubble wand with it just… “i slime you i slime you ghostbusters” i don’t know what kind of mother i’m gonna be i’m– i’m  and i did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant and a lot of that… is most likely my fault because when i was in my  i ate plan b like skittles so my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung and i found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low so then i had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories and push pop them up myself every single night and then at my writing job at fresh off the boat i would be storyboarding in front of my coworkers and then at some point the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear and i had to act like everything was ok when everything was clearly not ok and then a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy so then i had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards i want to be able to smell my fingers when i wanna smell my own goddamn fingers housewives they can just scratch and sniff all day long they just vacuum scratch sniff they make a sandwich “uh mmm” they watch property brothers scratch “what’s crackin’ mmm” every time you scratch yourself all you can think about is “when can i smell my fingers when can i smell my fingers when can i discretely find a way to…” “…smell my fingers” nature made you urgently curious to protect you ’cause you gotta check that it’s all good in the hood if it’s too funky you need to see a doctor your fingers are your first webmd when my husband and i were trying to have a kid a lot of people were like “oh my god that’s so hot you guys doin’ a lot of fuckin’” no dude that’s– that’s shit you do in your  ok when in– when you’re in your  and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while it gets very clinical you pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin’ it tells you when it’s easter time and i would only fuck him when it was easter time it was like only four days out of the month and outside of that i would be like “we’re not fuckin’ i need you to save it i want your sperm to be as pentup and as angry and rapey as possible so that when they come out it’s like ‘release the kraken” and they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship you know and um… yeah and most of the ti',\n",
       "  'me like we wouldn’t even have sex ’cause i was so tired when i would come home and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip and i’d be like “ok it’s go time” and i would just give my husband a hand job most of the time and he would close his eyes immediately i know what that means ok when somebody closes their eyes during sex it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes when somebody closes their eyes during sex it’s because they’re literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on redtube onto the back of their eyelids which is fine by me because then he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says “please hurry the fuck up” and then when he was about to finish i could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish it’s when they get that… that stupidass look on their face… …where they look like they just got bit by a zombie just… and then because we’re hippies i’d be like “hey hey please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention ok” and then i would jump on him and hold onto his neck and i would just twerk twerk twerk the shit out of him… and do some of this shit that i learned in atlanta and then i would turn upside down immediately afterwards… to make sure all of that harvard nectar would just drain inside of me that’s right ‘cause i don’t wanna work anymore i’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be… this far along to be seven and a half months pregnant because last year i had a miscarriage which is very common and a lot of women who are in their  flip out when they hear that they’re like “oh my god that’s so dark and terrible i can’t believe that” i’m  girl when you’re  you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage it’s super common and i wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it when i told my mom– she’s from a third world country and when i told her i had one she was like “uh yeah where i’m from that’s like losing a pair of shoes it’s whatevs ok” and everything happens for a reason i found out at my sixweek sonogram which is very early and the doctor says to me “oh my god i see two sacks which means you’re having twins” and i was like “no” and then she said “but what i don’t see is a heartbeat” and i was like “yes” “the lord is mysterious” don’t feel bad ok they were the size of poppy seeds i’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that i lost and most women won’t let their husbands watch when they’re going through a miscarriage i sat my husband down in front of me while i sat on the toilet and i was like “you look” “you watch the whole thing” and he felt so bad for me and i used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck i wanted him to do for  days he took me to see beyoncé he bought me a bike off of craigslist that’s my miscarriage bike and i love it very much for  days i finally had the marriage i always wanted i’m scared about giving childbirth though i’m– i’m very very scared of childbirth that’s why i’m going to hire a doula you know what that is you know what a doula is that’s a white hippie witch… …that blows quinoa into your pussy to keyser söze all the pain away a lot of women tried to freak me out they tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying “ali did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table” i was like “yeah i look forward to it” i’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work i can’t wait to cleanse it makes sense like that you– that that happens because when you’re in labor you push you push you push and your husband will be asked to assist in ',\n",
       "  'the labor by lifting up your leg which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever you just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life and just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you boom a baby comes out and he gotta stay that’s the real miracle of life right there i can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage because the baby hasn’t even come out yet and i am already so resentful towards my husband so much resentment especially when he asks me to do shit around the house “hey can you wash the dishes” “no” “can you water the plants” “i am not doing jack shit anymore i’m busy makin’ a eyeball ok are you makin’ a foot i didn’t think so you change the channel” i can already see how there’s like this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad and it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom people praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me “oh my god i can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments he is so supportive” guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments me i’m the star of the show there’s nothing for the camera to see if i’m not there but he’s the hero for playing candy crush while i get my blood drawn meanwhile if i do mushrooms seven months pregnant i’m a bad mommy you know i– i– i like i berate my husband on like a daily basis partially because i really am mad at him but mostly out of survival because if he leaves me i’m fucked so i have to chip away at his selfesteem on a daily basis… to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me i gotta keep him around by keeping him down people don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant you know your nipples get huge and dark i didn’t know that i didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see like a bullseye so that the baby can find it easier and then you know they get big– they get big like fingers like “you you you owe me money you” my nipples look like whoppers now and naked i look like a minion but i’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant no hopefully if you see me in a year i will have the kind of body where if i do a nude scene on television people will commend me for being courageous for doing it now that i’m seven and a half months pregnant my pussy’s all wet again but it’s different it’s not like when i was  years old when it was like really hot you know and i was like “why is it different” and i looked it up and my pussy’s all wet again because my– my body’s secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it that’s not the same when it’s straight up soldier glue when it’s neosporin so you know i– i in– previously before i met my husband i had dated a bunch of losers and then i meet this dream guy who’s like way more handsome than me out of my league graduated from harvard business school worked hard to trap his ass got him to propose to me oh my god then we got married all my dreams coming true and then we got pregnant and recently we bought our first home together and uh two weeks into the escrow process i discovered that my beautiful harvardeducated husband was  in debt and me with my hardearned tv money paid it all off so as it turns out he’s the one who trapped me how did he do it how did he bamboozle me oh maybe because he went to harvard business school the epicenter of whitecollar crime he enron’d my ass and now if i don’t work we die why else do you think i’m performing seven and a half months pregnant all right i’ve been ali wong have a good night everybody thank you'],\n",
       " ['thank you thank you thank you san francisco thank you so much so good to be here people were surprised when i told ’em i was gonna tape my special in san francisco said “why would you do that that’s the most politically correct city in the world” not when i’m on stage it’s not i love this place one of my favorite cities to perform in it’s a good place to hang out got to walk around a little bit today saw a baby saw a baby locked inside the back of a hot car so it’s been a great day love that don’t get me wrong i’m not a monster i tried to help the baby tried to throw a rock through the window window was down ruined that baby’s whole weekend it was worth it i love san francisco one of my favorite things is how beautiful all the women are here yeah women in san francisco are gorgeous i say that despite what’s… going on in this crowd tonight but you guys live here you guys live here you’ve seen ’em i was in a bar last night saw this beautiful woman like a supermodel i walked up i was like “hey where you from what do you do” she goes “oh me i live here in san francisco i’m a brain surgeon” i don’t know if this makes me sexist but i was really impressed you know i mean… most women… can’t pull off sarcasm this is gonna be a good show see that joke that joke is a test to see if you guys are cool or not that thing about the baby in the car that’s just me clearing my throat that joke’s the test if you guys laugh at that joke whole show goes great you don’t laugh at that joke whole show goes bad and i’ve had shows go very very bad doesn’t matter to me at all now this next joke this next joke is a test to see how cool you are i uh… i used to have a son already some of you see where this is going that’s good that’s good i used to have a little twoyearold son but he died the same way eric clapton’s son died for inspiration i’m not gonna lie this is the best that joke has ever done you guys kinda laughed then started talking to each other for some reason then started clapping that is amazing most people just boo me but if you didn’t understand the joke… don’t worry it’s a complicated joke a lot of things you gotta know that joke is like an onion you’ve gotta know who eric clapton is not a given these days you’ve gotta know about his kid you gotta know how clumsy that little lad was you gotta know about that terrible fucking song and then you gotta think all that’s funny now i gotta get to know you guys a little bit starting with you for sure i can tell you’re a big comedy fan and batshit insane did you just come from the fucking dentist or what what is your name – peggy jo – peggy peggy what do you try to do not a lot i’m disabled you’re disabled i know you’re disabled is this your husband with you okay sir what do you do so i can move the fuck on – i’m an electrician – you’re an electrician great that’s an honorable job that’s a good job to have i’m sure you shock the shit out of her on a daily basis electrician it’s a wonderful job there’s a lot of bad jobs out there i’ll tell you that right now lot of bad jobs hell my uncle john runs a summer camp for… kids about to get molested i know right i know it sounds awful sounds awful but he loves it he’s like… says he’s never worked a day in his life doesn’t pay much but the benefits… do you guys have any kids how many i ha',\n",
       "  've one and he has two okay you guys ever done that thing where you go online and see how many sex offenders live around you isn’t it crazy isn’t it way more than you’d think you think it might be like one or two no it’s like chicken pox i went online  child molesters fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment so why do we always have to meet at my place and if you’re wondering “anthony this is great but are all of these jokes gonna be about hurting children” i don’t know probably seems like something i would do i of course live in los angeles i’ve got a nice place obviously my brother’s been staying with me which has been awful my brother is crazy even my neighbors hate him the other day i opened the door i caught him masturbating he looks me right in the eyes and goes “shut the door” i said “get inside” my family loves it when i put them in jokes they love it “anthony please put me in your next joke” “are you sure i’m gonna make you a pedophile” “we don’t care we wanna be part of this thing you’ve got going on” so i wrote that joke put my brother in i’m in chicago where he lives after the show he comes backstage and i say “mikey what’d you think about that new joke did you like the shout out” and he gets all uncomfortable he goes “well crowd seemed to think it was funny… but i think it’s kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me” and i said “what mikey no no mikey you’re my brother that’s a joke about you masturbating in front of my house” and he goes “yeah and then you’re like ‘get back inside” just in case you guys are wondering whether my brother’s a fuckin’ idiot yeah i’ve got a nice place try to keep it nice not always successful like i tried getting a puppy disaster had to get rid of that puppy had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately the first time i left it home alone the first time i left that puppy home alone that damn thing tore my entire place apart shit everywhere and starved to death why are you mad i’m the one who couldn’t get his money back and this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on me after i kill a puppy with neglect and it’s okay it’s okay you can get mad at me you can hate me you can hate me and still laugh at me that’s how talented i am and i’m used to it i’m used to it i once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could once dated a girl punched me right in the face as hard as she could i didn’t do anything about it i didn’t say anything about it i just turned around and left the room but in my head in my head all i was thinking was… “now we’re even” she was so mad she got mad at me she got mad at me ’cause i killed all of her plants killed every single one of her house plants and she had told me she said “anthony i’m going out of town for two weeks give each one of these half a cup of water every other day” but i’m a dude all i heard was “two weeks” and “cheat on me” like my neighbors in la… my neighbors in la have got this smokin’ hot  daughter i mean she’s perfect but she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest which is horrible doesn’t she understand how dumb that’s gonna look some day all stretched out over my lamp yeah that’s a joke that’s a joke where i’m a serial killer i’m very open about it don’t you dare tighten up on me i hate sensitivity i ha',\n",
       "  'te it even when little kids get sensitive that makes me mad i got a sixyearold nephew i asked what he wants for his birthday he said “uncle anthony i want you to get me a barbie doll” i said “fuck you” “you sixyearold piece of shit” and don’t get me wrong don’t get me wrong i don’t care if he plays with dolls he can wear dresses if he wants to but i’m not getting him a barbie doll you see barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations… …of how easy it’s gonna be to tear off a head i won’t do it i get really mad when people get sensitive about comedy if you’re sensitive about comedy it’s the dumbest thing you can do i call them the joke police they always have one rule one rule they have you can’t make fun of this right now after a couple years they move on to something else which is why it’s so hypocritical like the thing today the thing right now you can’t make fun of the thing that’s too sensitive at this moment transgendered people see you can’t do it can’t make fun of them it’s too sensitive in fact you can’t even call them “chicks with dicks” anymore no no you have to call them “men who talk too much” right but i hear this all the time people’ll be like “anthony that was really funny but man women must hate you women must come to your shows and hate the shit out of you” and i always say “no no stupid women hate my shows” “stupid women hate my shows smart women… don’t come to my shows” speaking of which what’s your name – what kim – kim – kim where you from – san jose san jose okay what do you do kim um i’m a branch manager – like for a bank for a pizza hut – no for… what what the fuck where’d you go to school – uc santa cruz – what’d you study – economics – economics okay you ever gonna use that someday i had to go to catholic school when i was a kid hated catholic school hated catholic school more than anything the nuns were vicious they would hit me with a ruler slap me in the face anything to defend themselves you guys loved the shit out of that one huh hated school when i was in the fifth grade one of my classmates got cancer came down with the cancer which was sad but the story is actually cool and inspiring every single guy… every single guy in the school we all… shaved our heads to make fun of him yeah no it was great it was great we did it for like a month we would have kept doin’ it but you know you know how cancer gets you guys ever… you guys ever trace back your family history go back a couple generations in your family tree find out embarrassing shit you wish you didn’t know i traced my family tree back found that i actually had family fighting on both sides in world war ii humiliating the pieceofshit side of my family fought for the nazi infantry in germany while the badass jeselniks were here in america spying for the germans i assume everyone is drinking tonight – yeah – yeah whoo that’s good i love to drink love it do it all the time every day always have i don’t know where it comes from either even my parents tell me when i was just a little baby i used to climb out of my crib every morning and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet… to try to spend time with them i like san francisco so liberal so liberal clap your hands here clap your hands if you own a gun san jose is in the house huh not too bad i once asked the crowd in ho',\n",
       "  'uston that question they just started firing guns in the air didn’t even let me finish the question i don’t own a gun i’m against guns to be honest when i was a kid… when i was a kid my parents had a gun my parents said we had to have a gun gotta have a gun to protect the five children gotta have a gun to protect our five children of course they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children i’m not gonna lie it was fun while it lasted i was getting pretty good towards the end man my parents were strict mom and dad were strict my mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty i learned a lot from my parents especially my dad like i’ll never forget… the first time i ever got a bad report card in school first time i got a bad report card i brought it home i gave it to my dad and my dad beat me beat the hell out of me but i learned something because the next time i got a bad report card in school i brought it home and i gave it to my mom let her take the hit yeahmy dad was a hardass one of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things you know you don’t take classes you don’t read the instructions you just do it and figure it out like when i was a kid i never got to take swimming lessons no my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself cpras a kid my dad’s prized possession my dad’s favorite thing in the world growing up my dad was the proud owner of a mickey mantle rookie card mickey mantle rookie baseball card mint condition kept it between two little pieces of plastic but i was a kid i didn’t know any better one day i took that card to school and i traded it to a classmate for a candy bar you know what that card is worth today my relationship with my fatheri mean it my dad was no joke my dad did not fuck around my dad did not trust anybody my dad did not trust anyone in fact he had a saying… but he wouldn’t tell me what too clever for you that joke is fuckin’ amazing last year was a sad year for my family last year my mom should’ve been celebrating her  birthday but because of drugs alcohol and other terrible decisions we all forgot it was sadwhen i was a kid i used to fantasize about getting older growing up and having money and buying my mom nice things for her birthday when i was a kid we were poor so poor i remember just so i could go to my senior prom just so i could go to my senior prom i had to sell my us passport on the street sold my passport on the street for  bucks to get to go to my prom of course this was before  so… my bad everybody weird joke to clap for but sure my mom actually should’ve been on one of the planes that crashed on  i thinki mean don’t get me wrong i loved my mother she was my mom of course i loved her we fought a lot my mom could be very racist very racist and i do not tolerate racism that’s ignorance and i hate that when i was a kid like nine years old i’d come home after school once in a while i’d bring a friend over to play with me at my house once in a while i’d bring a black friend over and when i did that my mom would act weird she’d pull me aside and say “anthony who’s your new friend is he a drug dealer” and i would say “shut up mom that’s racist put your money ',\n",
       "  'away” i never get to see my family anymore really most of them are in jail to be honest and we never talk write letters or any of that shit ‘cause they’re all in jail for the exact same thing my testimony you – what’s your name – melissa – melissa where you from – santa clara – what do you do – i win things on the radio – you win things on the radio – yeah followup question how’d you get tickets to this let me ask you this you ever uh… you ever find a body in the woods ever do that no it’s okay i have i was walking through the woods one day and… some poor bastard had stepped in a bear trap or something i never told anybody about it but i went back there a week later and he was dead yeah i do crazy shit like that all the time what can i say i’m wacky the other night i was driving my car i was driving my car and i ran over a deer… a dear dear friend i’m torn constantly at night i do shows but during the day i’ve got a hobby during the day i go from town to town… and i shut down the local abortion clinic you heard me i shut down abortion clinics everywhere i go it’s easy for me i’m charming i stand outside the front doors all day long and… consistently underbid them you guys mad about that one it’s gonna get so much fuckin’ worse gotta talk to one more person you sir what’s your name – allan – allan where you from – frisco – frisco i can tell you’re a local ’cause of how cool you are what do you do frisco – i fight fires i fight fires – you what you’re a firefighter awesome what do you wanna do if you could do anything if you could do any job in the world what would your dream job be – travel the world – travel the world it’s good to have a dream i hope you go for it it doesn’t sound like you’re even gonna get close i think you should do it travel the world do iteveryone should try to live their dream that’s my point everyone i get to live my dream i mean not when i’m in san francisco but for the most part being a comedian was my dream ‘cause no one can tell me what to do that’s all i cared about most people don’t ever try to live their dream lot of people try and they fail which i think is better more noble more respectablei had an uncle all he ever dreamed about cared about talked about… wanted to become an astronaut fly into space one day and he went for it he went for it and he failed he blew it ended up becoming one of those pussies… …on the space shuttle challenger you guys remember that right i think it’s funny i think it’s funny how the things that happen to us when we’re kids end up staying with us for our entire lives i got this little niece when she was three years old she almost drowned and now to this day even ten years later she still will not go anywhere near me yeah i was babysitting her… and trying to do laundry and she accidentally fell into the washing machine thought i was quick i got good reflexes i thought i got her out before anyone would find out what happened but nope turned everything pink you’re gonna find out a lot about yourselves on this next one hey did you guys know… did you guys know that when a newborn baby… when a newborn baby is first born when it’s fresh out of the womb… it can actually hear and see everything around it… for up to ten seconds after it’s decapitated yeah yeah i never know what to say i never know what to sa',\n",
       "  'y to someone after they’ve lost a baby what do you say to someone after they’ve lost a baby “oh i’m sorry for your loss” doesn’t cut it “are you gonna be okay” not even close that’s why i just keep my mouth shut let my lawyer do the talking i’m not good with kids that’s my point that’s what this whole thing’s about i’m not good with kids not gonna lie hell a couple of months ago i dropped my cousin’s baby flatout dropped my cousin’s baby on the ground but i don’t feel like that was my fault i don’t feel responsible for that one you know who in their right mind… who the hell in their right mind would ever ask me anthony jeselnik to be a pallbearer it’s okay people hate… people hate dead baby jokes they hate them they hate them it’s like “anthony why do you have to tell dead baby jokes why do you have so many dead baby jokes” “no one likes them why do you insist” well i’ll tell you why because dead baby jokes have made me rich and who was it who was it who said the first million is the hardest was it hitler didn’t see that one coming did you that was a good response most audiences just pretend i didn’t say it but i like it i like making hitler jokes it’s cool for me i enjoy it hell i lost my grandfather i lost my grandfather in the holocaust museum it was the holocaust museum of modern art which is just like a normal holocaust museum except you walk around all day being like “oh i should have thought of that” my grandmother died about a year ago and i didn’t think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away but i was wrong it was fine the hard part the upsetting part… was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted she wanted to die in the best way possible like uh… you radio winner what’s the best way you can die this is not a trick question – in your sleep – yes thank you thank you everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep not me i want to be alert awake surrounded by friends in a house fire but my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep we thought that’s how she went we were all excited for her but then we did an autopsy found out she actually died horribly in the worst way possible during an autopsy it was fucked up yeah yeah she always said her grandkids didn’t pay enough attention to her and… and she was right she was dead on but i loved my grandma loved her very much my grandma taught me about a lot taught me what religion is taught me everything you can know about religion in one quick story i’ll tell you now when i graduated from high school… when i graduated my grandma came to me gave me a big hug said “anthony i’m so proud of you you’re my first grandchild to get to go to college what can i do for you what can i give you before you go to college” and i said “honestly grandma all i need from you is money” yeah i know you guys have never been but college is expensive and my grandma said “okay anthony i understand” couple months go by it’s the end of summer i’m packing up my dad’s car getting ready to go to school and my grandma walks up says “anthony here before you leave take this” and she handed me a brandnew bible king james version and i said “thanks grandma that’s exactly what we talked about” i got in the car and i went off to school couple of weeks go by i’m hanging out in my dorm room having a go',\n",
       "  'od time when the phone rings it’s my grandma “anthony just calling to see how college is going” “grandma college is the best i’m having the time of my life but to be honest i’m starting to run low on money and i could use a little bit like we talked about” she said “okay well let me ask you this have you been reading your bible” and i said “totally grandma i’m on chapter four” she said “okay anthony i guess i’ll talk to you later” hung up the phone couple of months go by now i’m really starting to struggle financially might have to drop out of school so i call my grandma in a panic i say “please it’s anthony i’m having the time of my life in college but if i wanna graduate and i do i need you to send me some money like we talked about” she said “anthony let me ask you this have you been reading your bible” and i said “yes grandma i wish it was longer” and she said “okay anthony i guess i’ll talk to you later” finally it’s the end of the school year i’ve got straight a’s but i’m dropping out of college ’cause i have no more money left and i’m furious close to tears cleaning out my dorm room when the phone rings it’s my grandma “anthony i heard you’re dropping out of school today how come” and i said “you know goddamn well how come grandma ‘cause you wouldn’t give me any money” she said “anthony let me ask you this did you read your bible” and i just hung up the phone i was so pissed off took everything out of that room last thing i took off the shelf the last thing i took out of that room was that bible my grandma had given me took it off the shelf held it in my hands and for the first time i actually opened it up and on the very first page in my grandmother’s handwriting it said “fuck you” thank you everyone i hope you enjoyed the jokes i prepared for you tonight and all the jokes i write they’re all made up they’re all fake except for eric clapton and the challenger everything else… everything else is fake but everything i’m about to tell you from here until the end of the show that’s all true now… i don’t tell dark jokes because i’m a comedian i’m a comedian because i tell dark jokes i’m kind of fucked up all right i’ve always been this way i can’t really help myself it gets me into trouble a lot i lose friends it’s ruined relationships with people in my family for instance my grandmother actually did pass away about six months ago i did love her very much she was a big fan of mine and i was asked to speak at her funeral which was a horrible mistake horrible mistake no one should ever ask me to speak at anyone’s funeral i asked a friend for advice was like “i’ve never talked to a group of people without getting paid a lot of money how should i handle this” “anthony just go up there and tell a story find one moment about you and your grandma you can share with everybody and don’t tell a joke try not to” so i walked up and was like “you know what my favorite memory was when i was like four years old before i learned to read grandma would curl up with me on the couch she had this southern accent and she would read to me she would read mark twain to me and i loved it like… mark twain out of my grandma’s mouth it would just come to life” and then i couldn’t help myself i said “and i know my grandma loved it too because it combined her two favorite things spen',\n",
       "  'ding time with her grandchildren and using the ‘n’ word” now i promise you… i promise you… until you’ve heard your grandfather gasp at his own wife’s funeral… …at a methodist church in vicksburg mississippi… you are not a real comedian i am a real comedian i am a pure comedian i think i’m one of the best comedians of all time but here’s the thing it doesn’t matter if you believe me it really doesn’t matter the important thing is that i would pass a lie detector test i like to test myself i like to test myself by joking about horrible things and nothing but one of my favorite ways to test myself i like to joke about tragedies the day that they happen the day they happen i don’t believe in too soon i’m on a tight schedule and i’m good at it i’m good at it like the day of… the day of the aurora colorado batman movie theater shooting the day it happened i went online i went on twitter and i tweeted “other than that how was the movie” right right nailed it nailed it and the reason i get away with that… the reason i get away with stuff like that is i’m just the guy who does it people are used to it from me it would be weird if i didn’t make a joke the day of a tragedy which is why i was very surprised when i got in a lot of trouble the day of the boston marathon now i don’t follow the news regularly but i know the second a tragedy happens because i get  text messages saying “don’t do it” and whenever i see that… whenever i see that it makes me sad it makes me sad ’cause i know something horrible has happened people will say “anthony what’s funny about aurora what’s funny about the boston marathon what’s funny about your grandmother’s funeral” nothing nothing is funny about those things that’s where i come in so i see these texts and i’m like “oh no what happened” but i also think “i’ve got a job to do” so i go online i start reading about it i don’t want to watch the footage but i’ll read about what happened and i think “how can i make someone laugh today” and then i think “i got it” i go back on twitter and i tweet “guys today there are just some lines that should not be crossed” “especially the finish line” and again i think “nailed it usa usa” but then my phone starts to ring and it’s my boss or should i say my former boss and they say “anthony this is unacceptable you are not just a comedian today you’re also the host of your own tv show with your name in the title on our network you take this joke down right now or you’re fired” and i say “go fuck yourselves” and i meant it i didn’t get into comedy for money or fame i know that sounds wrong because i’m dripping with both i only got into this business so that no one could tell me what to do and they said… sure they said “well anthony you don’t understand you don’t understand at all if you don’t take this joke down right now if you don’t delete this joke right now not only are you fired but the entire cast and crew of your television show about a hundred people they’re also out of a job” and i’m ashamed to tell you this i’m embarrassed to admit it but in that moment i folded and i deleted the joke ‘cause i’m happy to fight for what i believe in i’m happy to take the consequences for what i’ve done but what i could not do cannot do is walk up to my cameraman and say “hey buddy no work for you on monday i had t',\n",
       "  'his sweet tweet” couldn’t do it but as soon as i hit delete i got mad and i regretted it i would fire every single one of those fucking assholes now i’ll tell ya that and i got mad for betraying myself and everything i believe in i’m just as mad today as i was then just as mad so mad i had to have a meeting with the network where they called me in for a little lecture they’re like “anthony we’re family why are you so upset can’t you see we did you a favor don’t you worry about your career” let me ask you san francisco do i seem like i worry about my career no you know why people who win the lottery always end up going bankrupt because if they’re worried about their money they wouldn’t have played the lottery in the first fuckin’ place i do not worry about my career and they said “anthony the problem is when you make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy it seems like you’re making fun of the victims and that’s wrong” but that’s not what i’m doing because you see the day of a tragedy victims are not on twitter am i wrong tell me i’m wrong the day of a tragedy victims have got victim shit to do no one is ever… no one is ever putting on a tourniquet asking “hey are we trending” no this is who i’m making fun of when i make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy the people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the internet and they run to their social media facebook twitter whatever they got and they all write down the exact same thing “my thoughts and prayers…” “my thoughts and prayers with the people in aurora” “my thoughts and prayers with the families in boston” do you know what that’s worth fucking nothing fucking less than nothing less than nothing you are not giving any of your time your money or even your compassion all you are doing all you are doing is saying “don’t forget about me today” “don’t forget about me” “lots of crazy distractions in the news but don’t forget how sad i am” those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of they’re like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies you understand now i’m sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it it’s fine it’s embarrassing but it’s fun you can laugh at yourself it’s not a reason to stop telling jokes maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it trust me that’s fun too you guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats well i guess that’s what makes me me on my television show i once did a segment that aired once and only once before it was banned called “shark party” all right now… some of you enjoyed it but if you’ve never seen “shark party” you can never see “shark party” it’s been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be so i will explain it to you i love sharks i love sharks more than anything people… people i can barely fucking tolerate every single year  million sharks are killed by human beings every year   people killed by sharks so when i hear about a shark attack i’m like “fuck yeah” win one for the home team so as soon as i get this show where i can do what i want i say “you know what i want to have a shark party as soon as there’s a shark attack we’re having a shark party” and i get lucky about a month into my run this guy from new zealand gets eaten by a great white the ',\n",
       "  'champagne of sharks and i know exactly what to do i’ve already got the script written i walk on stage in front of the cameras i say “ladies and gentlemen this guy from new zealand has been eaten by a great white shark it’s time for a shark party” lights go down music comes up six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me and we all start dancing for way too long a stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance very tasteful and then i stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten which in retrospect is where it all went wrong but i get to say my favorite thing i’ve ever said on television “smile you son of a bitch shark party” and in america where i’m famous for those types of shenanigans… everybody was like “anthony that was fucked up” “it was fucked up to see you dance” end of controversy however in new zealand where they don’t get my show they’ve never seen me and frankly they don’t get out much… the new zealand media takes the video… and they show it to the guy’s family and they say “what do you guys think about this” and they say “crikey” or whatever the fuck they say over there the point is all of new zealand all of new zealand rises up against me all  of those cunts rise up and start threatening my life now i don’t read the things that people write about me on the internet but i pay people who do and they come to me and they’re like “we’ve got some terrible news please sit down” they say “you are getting a lot of death threats online from new zealand because of ‘shark party” and i was like “really new zealand wants to kill me that’s weird because they didn’t even kill the shark” i said “how many death threats am i getting” and they were like “oh all of them you are getting all of the death threats what do you want us to do we can send someone to talk to them extra security what do you want” i said “no forget about it leave it alone don’t worry” this might be hard for some to understand i’ve said it several times tonight everyone is going to die i know full well i am going to die and most of us don’t get to choose how we check out but if i die because someone murders me over one of my jokes best case scenario if somebody murders me over one of my jokes i immediately become a legend i’m a comedy god the mount rushmore of comedy is me four times i said “come on then” my security guys are like “okay anthony well just so you know that is the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard” “but you’re the boss okay” and they leave and then the next day they come back and they say “anthony sorry to bother you again i know you didn’t care yesterday but it’s gotten much worse you’re gonna wanna hear this” they say “someone from new zealand tracked down your mom and dad’s phone number and address in pittsburgh posted that online… and now your entire family is getting death threats from new zealand” and i have to admit that had never occurred to me before it never crossed my mind… that my family my loved ones would ever pay the price be caught in harm’s way for something i’ve done or i’ve joked about and honestly i would cut my throat for my jokes i would give my life for what i do but if anyone and i mean this for a fact if anyone ever hurt my family or killed someone i cared about because of a joke i’ve made even better'],\n",
       " [' all right thank you thank you very much thank you thank you thank you how are you what’s going on thank you it’s a pleasure to be here in the greater atlanta georgia area this oasis it’s nice to be here i don’t know why i came here in june it’s nice to be here wasn’t thinking fucking ridiculously hot out there just miserable horrible that kind of heat you understand the racism down here ya know i get it how would you get along with anybody “look at ’em just over there drinkin’ a cold drink lemonade was made for the white man” so… what the hell have i been doing with my life trying to get in shape man but i hate going to the gym so i decided i’d go veggie twice a week it’s brutal i can only make it till about  five o’clock that’s what i realized about myself you know that something has to die every day in order for me to live something’s got to get its beak chopped off its feathers yanked uppercut to its jaw just in order for me to survive i’m trying couscous and all that shit it’s awful i saw this thing though they said if everybody went vegan if everybody went vegan or vegetarian whatever the hell they said one of those “v” ones right they said it’ll be great for the environment you know i guess there’s all this cattle standing around and when they fart the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something right they’re always doing that shit you know “if everybody went vegan the air would be– if everybody drove an electric car if everybody just had some snowshoes on” right they just won’t come out and say it nobody has the balls to come out and just say “look  of you have to go” – that’s it that is it –  i have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up but they won’t do it they won’t do it we live in a democracy right can’t be honest in a democracy you need the votes you can’t run with that as your platform coming out there “and if elected i would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least  of you this planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers– let me finish this will not be arbitrary under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire if you did not bring a pencil you’re already out” you can’t do that you got to be nice you got to be fuckin’ nice especially this day and age everybody getting in trouble all these goddamn groups out there bitch moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything “we’re part of a group eh” you gotta apologize “i’m sorry to people who own shar peis i didn’t mean to say that it’s an uglyass dog nah” right fuck you and your group what about that what do you got two million people in your group there’s  million in this country nobody gives a shit right who the fuck joins a group “i’m gonna join a group that’s what i’m gonna do today” go to meetings what kind of a fucking loser right that’s the same way i look at people who got upset about you know michael sam the gay football player kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted everybody bitch moaning and complaining it’s like dude that’s what you get for watching the draft all right now once again what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round “the jets are up next i think they need a quarterback they need to improve their defensive line” dude that’s like going to a graduation ceremony where you don’t know anybody who’s graduating you’re just fucking sitting there they’re gonna have the whole list the next day they’ll have everybody who drafted who when fucking got to sit there and watch that shit those stupid interviews “yeah you’re a member of the buffalo bills how does it feel” “well you know it’s a blessing i want to thank god gonna try to do my best it’s a great organization and the same shit the last  guys said so yeah” yeah i’m glad he kissed him he should have fuckin’ blown him yeah with birthday cake in his mouth and a santa claus hat on his head just to ruin the entire year holding a flag that fucks up flag day you’ll keep thinking about it yeah fucking stupidass groups people apologizing to ’em like they have some sort of power look if you’re being a dick apologize but other than that yeah go fuck yourself yeah  everybody getting in trouble like a bunch of children i was doing a gig in dallas and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard she goes “we like our beer the way we like our violence domestic” right now i got to tell you something that’s a great fucking joke there is zero fat on that you need every word of that joke you take one word out it doesn’t work it’s a perfect joke so whatever nobody gives a shit one person comes in they don’t like it they ask the manager to take it down he’s just like “that’s our sense of humor here have a beer go fuck yourself that’s what we’re doing” she takes a picture of it puts it on facebook all of a sudden people start complaining they fired the manager and the waitress because of that yeah i don’t understand like what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke like you’re some guy who would never hit a woman ya know would never hit a woman you can’t hit women you honestly cannot you ever see how they fall they fall like toddlers you know it’s like they never fell in their life they never put their hands out it’s horrific to watch you can’t hit them right so what are you telling me somebody… you’re telling me someone who never hit a woman is gonna come walking in read that joke you know just be “wait a minute”  that’s the dumbest shit they have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women people still do it what do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home they’re like so focused on hitting their wife they got blinders on they’re not reading anything they don’t see the “don’t hit your wife” billboard they’re still gonna do it did that get too weird for you guys did the church organs make that fucked up like i was up here “make a pledge for jesus and hit your women” ever watch some of those stupid religious shows that fucking joel osteen you ever see that guy that guy is so full of shit he doesn’t e',\n",
       "  'ven open his eyes when he’s talking “take a pledge for jesus are they still here” he doesn’t even have the nerve to open his eyes “you want some popsicles jesus wants you to have some popsicles he wants you to have those popsicles” his fucking electric blue carpet yeah everybody’s getting in trouble ’cause of these goddamn groups look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year old people get in trouble right that older woman there that makes the cookies on the food network right yeah paula deen she got in trouble ’cause she had this slaverythemed wedding or whatever the hell she did in defense of her you know you want to have an original wedding there’s not a lot of themes left you know you got to use the old imagination if you’re gonna try to blow people away with your creativity right i’m actually gonna have a holocaust themed pool party later on this summer i am “once everyone gets in ze pool ja” “it was weird it was like it was offensive but like refreshing you know i don’t know i don’t know how i feel about it” yeah she got in trouble the old redneck on duck dynasty that dude got in trouble the owner of the clippers got in trouble and i’m not saying what these people did wasn’t offensive i’m not sayin’ that shit what pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories did anybody address their age you know they’re fucking old you know what did you think they thought you never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden it went down this crazy road “whoa whoa whoa let’s get back to the cookies grandma let’s leave that shit over here what the fuck” yeah they’re old what did you think they thought i mean– i’m gonna be honest with you people were too hard on that clippers guy man i’m telling you for an  white guy that wasn’t that bad all right dude he didn’t drop the “n” word once that’s unbelievable for an  white guy the “n” word should have been carpetbombed through that whole tape he never said it once if you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it other than instagram he’s pretty fucking liberal he’s like “you can hang out with them you can have sex with them just don’t promote it on instagram” yeah it was the weirdest most compartmentalized like racism i ever heard in my life something about instagram i didn’t get it other than that he was wide open “you can make a snowman with them go to a water park rub your bellies together just don’t promote it on instagram” “hey what about facebook” “i don’t give a fuck about facebook keep it off of instagram” yeah dude you understand the guy is  years old do the math this dude was born in  that’s  years before jackie robinson broke the color barrier first  and a half years of this guy’s life he watched allwhite baseball and it was fine first  and a half years “up next whitey willoughby there’s a line shot out to peter peckerwood what a catch unbelievable in to chris cracker what a great day what a great day for a ballgame white baseball white players” dude his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the native americans all right that’s who taught him his abcs you know “ a b c d e…  hey get that savage off my property get out of here i thought we killed all you people put a fence around them  h i j k… ” yeah what did you think was gonna happen the owner of the clippers you know what his big crime was he lived too long he did if he’d died around   nobody would have noticed dude look at walt disney walt disney was a known antisemite but he died in the early ’ nobody gives a shit look at him he’s got a castle bunch of mice running around nobody cares this guy kept living telling you you can live too long you can live too long i’m telling you you wear out your welcome i swear to god this fucking guy i bet in the ’s he was considered a hippie you know just walking around “hey you can hang out with ’em you can have sex with ’em man you know” his dad’s getting all pissed off “let me tell you something see you stay with your own you stay with your own” that’s true though life can pass you by it happens you just keep living and living basically i think you got like   years to absorb as much as you can and then that’s it that’s all you know ‘cause right around then you get married and it’s over right you have a couple of kids you’re sucked in the bubble you don’t have time to pay attention to what’s going on out in the world you’re stuck with these kids “it’s shitting all over the place don’t be a serial killer don’t touch that” you’re just stuck in that you have three four kids that is a  sentence trying to get them all through college society just keeps fucking going you get the last one through college step back out of the bubble– you don’t know what happened you’re not even paying attention you go back to your old record collection  someone sticks a mike in your face you’re gonna get in trouble yeah it’s one of the sad things about life you get old and it passes you by i feel it passing me by i’m  years old i don’t even have kids but i can’t keep up anymore i had a college gig coming up i was like i gotta figure out what these kids are into i was  when a senior was born i got to figure out what these dudes are into so i guess they’re into like this like dj music or some shit so i’m like all right i’ll watch some of this you know so i have like a reference or two i don’t want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like “what’s up with this monica lewinsky is this crazy i mean this – is my stylus gonna work i don’t know” so i put this shit on dude i lasted  seconds ninety seconds i was openminded “all right put it on” ninety seconds later i’m like this old man “ah this isn’t music” you know “when i was a kid you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil now that was music and you had one ballad every album started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in it went to color yeah that was music” yeah all of this shit’s passing me by i’ll get in trouble later on in my life transgender athletes i don’t fucking understand that you know i under',\n",
       "  'stand you want to switch around i don’t give a shit but i’m a sports fan that’s a really new concept to me that you can be a dude right ranked  in the fucking world you have your dick cut off you put on a sports bra and now you’re the  tennis player in the world just coming out there with your man shoulders  that doesn’t seem fair i might be wrong i might just be an old guy i have no idea but i’m hearing rumors like some of them are getting into that mma you can’t have that shit am i nuts that is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman jesus christ he might as well hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight “hold still” “her ground and pound is incredible” yeah i’m not saying these people are right and i’m not saying that i’m right i know i’m a fucking moron ya know but that duck dynasty guy– i know what he said was wrong but i don’t get the shock said that homophobic stuff and people are like “can you believe” yeah i totally can believe it if i was in vegas i would have put  of my shit on that he was gonna say it i’d give him a  benefit of the doubt just in case are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints like what did you think he thought did you think he had some progressive ideas on samesex marriage  yeah didn’t he think… didn’t he think exactly what you thought… he thought you know you know what kills me too that fuckin’ kinda shit that homophobic stuff that all comes from the church man doesn’t it come from that shit there’s something in there i never read the book all right i tried to they need to fucking update it they update itunes every fuckin’ six days can we update the language and make it a little more user friendlieth… for someone like me right that’s where he gets all those fucking ideas that duck dynasty guy it’s not his fault that he went to– he went to sunday school in like  you know i think all of that shit comes from the church they just fuckin’ brainwash you you know don’t clap don’t clap i don’t read i don’t read follow someone else i’m telling you they brainwash you come into the church your brain’s all empty they fill it like a jelly donut  just brainwash you “ say what we say when we say it   say it again then you can go home to your toys ” “ all right i’ll say it   i’ll say it again   now can i go home to my toys ” right and you repeat everything they say the good the bad and the fucking horrific they stick a star on your forehead “you’re a big boy” “looks like people like me” you get on with your life you go to college you get a master’s degree in english like this redneck dude had he invents the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it right yours goes “whack whack” mine goes “whackafuckin’whack” dude makes a zillion bucks gets his own tv show he’s loving life and out of nowhere here comes that same question sixty years later from sunday school and he stands up like the manchurian candidate “jesus liked hookers and lepers doesn’t like the queers” and everybody freaks the fuck out and he’s like “that’s what they said” and they’re all dead “oh where’d everybody go i thought i was a good boy” he’s just this scared old man getting yelled at in a boat i don’t understand i don’t understand why a group like glaad right i always forget it’s gay lesbian a… whatever the fuck it stands for all right why do they go after the old guy in the boat why don’t they go after the people writing the book right “hey could you please teareth outeth those coupleth of pages” they’re not gonna do that that’s the vatican they’re their own city they got a wall around their own city they’re brushing off cases of pedophilia like it’s nothing they’re not taking that call “oh what happened really go fuck yourself” click they don’t care  i learned a long time ago i think whatever you’re into you’re into but i’m not into that religious stuff where– and this is why i actually walked away from my religion i had to be honest with myself one i didn’t like to go– i didn’t like going to church every week you know i just didn’t part of it was i’m lazy i don’t like getting up on sundays and the other part was i already heard all the stories okay heard them three four times the dude hasn’t come back yet you know we’re just sort of mulching over the same shit here i got it – right –  and the other aspect was you know i actually– i had to be honest with myself i felt my religion made sense and everybody else’s sounded stupid  i did look i’m not talking about the basis of every religion basis of every religion makes sense you know the ten commandments don’t kill anybody don’t touch my wife that’s my bike right that all makes sense of which i’ve broken i think i’ve broken just about every commandment except for the fifth one that’s it i haven’t killed anybody yet right but the murderous thoughts that i have sometimes i think i could do it like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers and they’re wearing those goldtoed like dress socks and they cross their feet at the ankles and they just start rubbing their feet together like i see the whole thing see the whole thing wrapping that sock shh… shh… shh… right see the whole thing so we’ll see still early on right but just the stories of how we got here and where we’re going and what happens after we die everybody else’s religion sounded stupid you know like i live out in los angeles there’s a bunch of scientologists out there and the first time i heard the story of scientology i was like “that is the dumbest shit i have ever heard in my life”  yeah like your guy’s name is ron ron and he wasn’t alive thousands of years ago so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery this guy was alive like   years ago he had a driver’s license social security number there’s like footage of him stubbing his toe “motherfucker” right i know what happened he was working at denny’s he got sick of it “i’ll start a religion hey everybody there’s this spaceship coming back everybody’s getting sneakers this is tom cruise we’re gonna try to make you clear right” look i’m ',\n",
       "  'paraphrasing i’m paraphrasing to be fair to the scientologists i am paraphrasing but that’s essentially what they believe in and i said that is the dumbest shit i ever heard while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman who never got fucked had a baby that walked on water died and came back three days later so… yeah that made total sense to me so it just hit me one day i was like why does that make sense and that shit doesn’t you know they got a spaceship in theirs you know we– right we got the space shuttle you know there’s sneakers there’s a lot of shit i can relate to in this why does that sound so dumb to me you know what it is i think it’s ’cause i heard their story when i was an adult i heard my story when i was four years old right when i heard my story there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney giving me christmas toys if i lost a tooth there was a fairy there was the easter bunny why wouldn’t there be some bearded baby moonwalking across the lake throwing out bottomless buckets of shrimp or whatever he did of course that made sense what happened was as i got older all of that stuff started to fall right “ah son there is no fat fuck it’s your mother and i your mom’s the tooth fairy rabbits don’t have eggs her tits are fake the nba is fixed bankers are cunts most of your dreams won’t come true” right and i was just like “wow this is how the world is” and meanwhile this shit was just floating this  gorilla of this fucking story i just had to make a decision what am i gonna do what am i gonna do with this am i gonna cling to it be that person “that’s very offensive to me and other christians and…” become that douche all right and be like the casual christian right with like one foot on base just “yeah i kind of go a couple of times a year and like if my parents come to town i act like i go all the time and i don’t go anymore” or my last option which was basically just just let go of the shit you know just let go  just let go of it like that creepy moment in curling you know that moment where the shooter or whatever you call them is just sliding with that rock right just let me do this right just sliding and you think he’s along for the ride the two of them they’re a team and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking… that rock just keeps going this dude just stops that’s what i did with my religion i just let go of it i didn’t read a riot act to anybody i just let go of it “and on the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures…” i just floated away  so now it’s like i’m in this weird place where i’m not in any religion right now unrestricted free agent you know  i’d like to believe in something so i’ve been going around asking people what their shit is and i haven’t been able to find anything trying to be openminded i was doing a gig in helsinki and over there they’re like lutheran and what they believe they believe when you die you’re dead and that’s it dead like a pigeon just– just layin’ there over blew my mind i’m like “really you’re just dead” like my religion was you die and then you go up to get judged right god pops in the dvd of your life “well i don’t know about this right here mind explaining yourself” this might be the most arrogant thing i say all night but i actually resent the fact that i’m gonna get judged someday like if that’s true that somebody’s gonna judge me that doesn’t even make any sense it’s like dude you made me so this is your fuckup all right let’s not try to turn this around on me you know jesus christ you give me freedom of choice you make whores you have me suck at math and you don’t think this thing’s gonna go off the rails like you set me up to fail and now you got the balls to now question… your own goddamn work dude if i made a car if i built a car and it didn’t run i wouldn’t burn it forever “you evil piece of shit” just light it on fire i wouldn’t i would troubleshoot is there gas in the engine is the battery charged “anything beyond this i got to get a real man to look at it but i believe in you i’m gonna try and help you out” yes my religion it’s nuts it’s fucking nuts like my religion like the way i was brought up is like you know you can make it to heaven but like some of your family members possibly couldn’t or some of your friends doesn’t even make sense like how am i supposed to enjoy heaven if that’s the deal right just sitting here waiting for my friends to show up “jesus christ where the hell are they it’s been like  years they must have ate a lot of brussels sprouts or some shit doing some yoga right” and then one day it just settles in that they didn’t make it and then what i’m still gonna enjoy heaven right jesus coming walking over “hey how is it going everybody isn’t this great isn’t this great” “yeah dude it’d be even better if all my family members and friends weren’t burning for fucking ever kind of hard to enjoy heaven when you just keep thinking of that there jstar what do you think hey dude i didn’t ask you to come over you came walking over with your big dumb sandals ‘hey hey how is it going over here’ why did you come over here i don’t give a damn dude tell your dad i don’t give a fuck i’m already in here i’m already in here what are you gonna kick me out afterwards go fuck yourself i knew he was gonna be like that i knew it the boss’s son is the worst fucking sense of entitlement” so yeah so they believe when you die you’re dead and i was like so you’re just dead like how do you wrap your head around not existing i couldn’t get my head around it he goes “well like before when you were born do you remember that” and i was like “no” and the guy’s like “yeah it’s just like that” i’m like not only does that make sense that is absolutely terrifying dude i got to be honest i hate how scared i’m getting as i get older i’m developing all these new fears like i have a fear of flying now i never had a fear of it it’s not straightacrosstheboard flying i don’t like small planes all of a sudden i just don’t like them and it has nothing to do with the plane i believe in the planes okay i just don’t b',\n",
       "  'elieve in the pilots ‘cause you know what i don’t think the airline does either which is why that dude is flying that little plane the airline was basically like “all right we’ll give you like  people see how you do you know you fly them up you land you bring another  back we’ll let you do this for a while you do this for a while we don’t get any complaints no up and down up and down none of that shit we’ll move you up to  people and then one day you’ll be in a jet–” whoo we’re going a little faster right big planes you’re getting the fuckin’ pilot that knows what he’s doing he’s probably fought in a war he’s used to getting shot at he can’t bring this bus in it’s a joke right a bunch of people whining in the back “my headphones don’t work” he doesn’t give a fuck right he’s up there sleeping he’s trying to make something happen he’s so goddamn bored that’s a stud up there right so one time i’m flying into albany new york okay a city that nobody really goes to so i’m on a smaller plane and everything is going great all of a sudden out of nowhere we hit this turbulence  and it stops and everybody looks around laughing nervously like…  all of a sudden it comes back with a vengeance you can literally hear the metal the plane’s made of like… all of a sudden this dude three rows back starts making these bitchy noises “whoa whaaa whoa whaaaa whoa” i’m not gonna lie i have never been so fucking scared in my entire life dude that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child but turn around and see a  mustachioed male going… “whoo whaaa whoa” dude the hair was standing up on my arms i’m praying to a higher power i don’t even believe in the shit i just wish i had the balls to turn around and be like “dude would you shut the fuck up jesus christ be a man push it down push it down deny your feelings act like you have answers do some man shit right now do some man shit” jesus christ you know “you think i’m not up here thinking… ‘whaaa whoa’ i am but how does that help us for me to join you and turn this fuselage into a haunted house” you know what kills me what absolutely kills me is some woman is gonna fall in love with this guy marry him and make half… whooo… whaaaa… fucking kids and you know what we become weaker as a species we do  do you remember back in the day when you watched the discovery channel about animals now they build cars but it used to be about animals right now it’s all car stuff “looking forward to getting that carburetor today the carburetor didn’t fit” “what do you mean the carburetor doesn’t fit dad’s gonna be mad”  there’s never enough time to build the car it’s so fucking stupid “we got to have this bus done by thursday” or else what the guy doesn’t want it anymore all right “you’ll get the thing when we finish it okay this is a safety issue you want brakes on it then go get yourself some fucking lunch” so before…  before there used to just be animals and this is what i noticed everything from a lion all the way down to an insect okay if you had one drop of… whoo… whaaa… bitchy blood in you none of the females would fuck you that was it your life was over your life was over no ant pussy for you your entire miserable eightday ant life ’cause all six of your legs shook when the wind blew and the female ant saw it they’re like “all right stay away from that one stay away from that one he’s gonna jeopardize the whole hill and stacy listen to me” human beings have empathy some woman will fall in love “well he’s nice he wears a sweater he likes to bake you know he lets me finish my stories” which is all great qualities okay but you got to know when you shack up with a guy like that you’re rolling the dice you’re rolling the dice that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over ’cause god forbid he picks your goddamn house this is the dude who has your back who’s gonna be screaming louder and higher than you when this guy comes through the fucking door and you’re gonna turn around all you’re gonna see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window i don’t know man that’s risky you know in reality i’m being too hard on that guy yeah i am i am ’cause i was just as scared as he was except i didn’t scream out like he did and that’s simple the simple reason was this dude he was hugged too much as a child having people going “how was your day what’s wrong” and all of that shit you know that’s why i came down here i came out here to tell you guys you got to stop hugging your children you are ruining this country now you can hug your daughters you got to do that you got to do that hug those hooker shoes right out of them let them know that you’re a good man and to find another man like you you got to do that but your son you can hug them a little bit but every three four you got to fucking knock ’em down right “come on it didn’t hurt get up” i didn’t come from a family i don’t know about you guys i didn’t come from a touchyfeely… “call me when you get there mwah mwah” none of that shit first time my mom hugged me i think was like once when i was little and when i moved out that was it and we only hugged ’cause we knew we were supposed to so we just tried to like it was like two parking meters came to life like we almost bumped heads it was horrific fucking horrific to this day sometimes i drive down the street and i think about that hug and it’s just so awful i have to like shout the memory out of my head i’ll just be driving down the street just be like… aaaaah anybody else like that you ever have to shout stuff out of your head there’s something about me like all my regret comes up when i’m in the shower i don’t know what it is i think ’cause i’m in the shower and i have time to think and i’ll just think of shit i did in third grade where i just made an ass of myself and i’ll just be in the shower just being like…  and my wife’s always just like “is everything okay in there” i’ll just be like “yeah yeah just accidentally turned on the hot water turned it on too much” “every day” so… yeah… i actually asked my mother one time when i finally got out in the world and i saw how other ',\n",
       "  'families interacted i finally asked her “how come we never did the hugging thing how come we didn’t do that stuff” she was like “i wanted to hug you kids when you were little but i was afraid it was gonna make you gay” and i was like “you were afraid” and she goes “well it was your father that’s what it was protecting him like i always do he was afraid he said you don’t know how to raise boys and if you hug them that’s what’s gonna happen so in a marriage there’s compromises” yeah so she basically never hugged us ’cause my dad said if she did it was gonna make us gay and i got to tell you that was a great thing that my dad did for me let me finish before you start blogging okay and i end up on a split screen on good morning atlanta “comedy could it go too far last night at the tabernacle–” sitting there next to some fucking cheetoeating blogger so yeah this is the deal i’m gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid as far as i know i don’t have any kids as far as i’d think if you have a kid what do you want to do you want to improve on your childhood okay you want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didn’t work so that was my dad as fucked up as that was that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about the way a veteran doesn’t talk about going to war so i figure if that was his improvement on his childhood his childhood just must have been something like “don’t change his shitty diaper let him figure it out for himself get out in the rain you shitty baby hey let me handle this lady why are you still standing here you shit toddler” so he took it from that… and knocked it down to “don’t hug him it’s gonna make him gay” right and then maybe someday i ever have a kid i’ll whittle it down to like “he’s not taking drama class all right he’s not taking drama class ’cause i said so lady let me handle this” i won’t fix everything and that’s not a homophobic thing either that i wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class okay it isn’t i would send… i’d let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class okay my son can’t fucking do any of that shit unless i’m sending him to one of those fame high schools where everybody’s doing it one of those creative schools you go to the cafeteria everybody’s like  cottage cheese what is it made of  then he can do all he wants then he can do all the fuck he wants but there’s no way i’m letting him do that at a public school with those goddamn animals he’s gonna get the shit kicked out of him he’s gonna come home with his underwear up his ass and then i have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like “there’s some sort of tomfoolery going on around here” i don’t want to do that i want to find the fucking eightyearold what is he this tall i want to find the kid that did it to my kid tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle anywhere where oxygen is going to be an issue right and just leave him there you wait for that one leg to start shaking so you know he’s down to his last breath and then you turn him upsideright and you grab him by his throat you say something horrific “you ever do that again i’m gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog” all right  over so yeah a lot in my life has changed since i last came through here to atlanta i got married that’s the big thing yes i did very happy about that i’m very happy because it was starting to get weird it’s like  years old “my girlfriend yeah we’re gonna go out and get some pop” going to parties it was just weird ‘cause i hang out with people my age and they all got married they all had kids i just couldn’t contribute when people were standing around talking about marriage… marriages and kids i felt like a little kid just sitting there going like “the superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal bipartisan with the middle eastern crisis it’s just…” “it’s an advanced learning program the deadline is may  we have to stop the bullying…” “…with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate” when the conversation would come around to me i felt like i was eight years old i’d just be like “did anybody see the youtube video where the raccoon stole the cat’s food and the cat was scratching him and the raccoon didn’t care he just came in like this like george foreman and then he reached out he had hands all of a sudden he had hands i didn’t know they had hands he scooped it up and he ran away on paws did you guys know they had hands” so now i’m married so the next move is you’re supposed to have a kid which i would love to do but i’m  years old i’m just thinking it’s too fucking late ya know come on man i’m gonna have a kid i’m gonna die of natural causes when the kid’s in fifth grade throwing him a frisbee “we used to use these on a saturday” do a face plant my kid’s standing there “mom dad’s sleeping again” i feel hopelessly behind all my friends have kids most of my friends who have kids are cool but i got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid that i don’t understand anything anymore you know those people the most basic shit “hey man it’s kind of cold out today” “dude you don’t understand you don’t understand cold till you got a twoyearold with a mitten up his ass and you’re trying to get chocolate off the other one’s face” “all right all right i get it you have a more complex life but i still understand being cold teeth chattering kind of lets me know right” “mine just turned six” “mine just turned seven” i just feel hopelessly behind so what i’m actually thinking of doing i’m thinking about adopting yeah absolutely recycle you know think globally act locally everything doesn’t have to be brandnew you know it’s like when you redo your kitchen you got custom up top you got ikea down the bottom right i’d love to adopt it’s a great thing to do but if i do it i’m not telling any of my friends i’m just gonna show up with the kid one day just to piss ’em off “mine just turned six” “mine just turned seven” i’d love to just show up with an eightyearold like “domi',\n",
       "  'noes yeah now i get to tell you what you don’t understand sevenyearold wait till they turn eight eight is such a funny age terrible twos try the instant eights bam they’re just there like… with all their issues…” i should do it though i should adopt i think it’s a great thing to do and i already know what i want to get i do i want to get like an ’ ’… always garaged good dentition do you know what i would love to do i’d love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop wouldn’t that be amazing like find the kid that made this shirt just show up at the factory like hey “come on bring it in bring it in you little maniac how you doing you’re going back to the states lshaped couch flat screen tv get in the car the rest of you keep sewing but you you’re coming home with me” yeah dude how easy… how easy would that kid be to raise after the hell he’s been through all i gotta do is let him sit down i am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met just bring him home “have a seat” he’ll be like “i get to sit down” “yeah lay down on the couch” he’ll be like “it’s like a cloud it’s like a cloud” i’ll get him a bowl of fritos put on cricket or soccer one of those sweatshop sports i don’t know the kid would love me so that’s my first draft pick all right coming out of the gate with that in the second round i’d probably get like an ’ boy soldier ya know yeah shore up the offensive line you gotta protect the blindside that’s how fucked up the world is there’s little boys out there fighting in wars so that’s a twofer i can drag him out of that hell give him something of what’s left of his childhood and god forbid if the dollar ever collapses right shit goes south zombies take over i got backup everybody thinks i’m gonna be the problem meanwhile i got this sawedoff chuck norris… standing next to me  kills confirmed fucking kills they’re not stories can make a flamethrower out of a vacuum cleaner and a toaster you can’t coach that right i got to be honest with you i feel like i’d have to go easier on the discipline with the boy solider i might be nuts but i feel like i could come down on the sweatshop kid right “i said get in there and clean up your goddamn room i’m getting sick of this shit goes for you too if you want but you you’ve been out of line all day mister don’t even start that shit don’t even start that shit you say that every time yes you do every fucking time you say that you know the answer you want me to say it again i’ll break it down to you you know why it is you want to know why ‘cause you sew all right yeah you sew dude he’s fucking killed people do you understand that no he doesn’t he doesn’t have to make his bed too no he doesn’t because he doesn’t sleep in the bed he’s out in the bushes all night talking to himself freaking me the fuck out all right oh fuck you fuck you he scares me too he scares me too don’t even start that shit you wanted a big brother and i got you one don’t even start that shit all right all right you’re right stop crying stop crying shouldn’t have yelled at you i just thought i could fucking bring him in give him a couple of pop tarts i figured he’d chill out fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows doing that full metal jacket shit no you can’t give him back it doesn’t work that way there he is there he is what’s up buddy what’s going on we were just talking about you just doing like a little surprise thing you feeling all right you feeling all right you’re not looking through those eyebrows huh everything okay” so i figure uh… i don’t know if i’ll do it maybe i’m too selfish i have no idea i’m all over the fuckin’ map do you know what i want to do right now i actually want to learn how to fly a helicopter man i do that’s my latest thing you know why it is it’s ’cause i live in los angeles yeah and it’s an absolute clusterfuck when you go into land in that city just look out the window and just look at the complete lack of planning there’s not even zoning laws they’ll build like a skyscraper next to a house next to a gun range and then there’s like a fucking daycare center right the city doesn’t even work even when everything else works so god forbid the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens where you gonna go in a city like that see you guys are all right out here in atlanta you’re all right i don’t know maybe in atlanta might be crazy you’re on the outskirts you’re fine you’re fine you don’t live in a desert you slam your face in a birdbath you’re cool drink that water for a good  days la there’s nowhere to go that’s why i love the helicopter dude the helicopter is the ultimate “fuck this i’m out” vehicle all you gotta do is assess the situation zombie coming up the street “fuck this this looks safe” you just land it you could sit there hovering just sit there in a hover watching everybody getting killed sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick yeah so i told my wife i want to fly a helicopter she’s just like “yeah no” which i know that came from a place of love but it still kind of annoyed me just that she said that shit then i was just gonna be like “oh all right thought i was gonna get to do that but you said no so… there goes that hey what other dreams aren’t i gonna get to achieve like do you already know or are you waiting for me to ask” yeah i’m still gonna do it i’m just not gonna tell her i’m just gonna go out and do it pass the goddamn class and when i get my license i’m not going to tell her i’m just gonna go out and buy a white silk scarf and hang it by a nail in the living room she’s just gonna be like “what is that what is that for what does that mean” “yeah someday you’ll see someday you’ll see when the shit hits the fan and you’re freaking the fuck out and i’m taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter” “what is that” “shut the fuck up and get in” now you guys think i’m bullshitting i’m not i’m serious i’m  in on this and ever since i got into it i’m seeing helicopters everywhere i never realized how many helicopters there were driving down the street like henry hill looking up at them… doing key bu',\n",
       "  'mps and shit “they’re after me swear to god” i’m seeing stories about them it’s just like that old advertising anecdote “i never realized how many mattress commercials there were out there until i needed a mattress and then all of a sudden they’re all over the place and then i bought a mattress and then it all went away” it’s the same shit i saw this story down in orange county right down in orange county california this guy gave helicopter tours for  years–  years without incident hands the business off to his son the american dream “i built it up for  years here you go son make the family and the family name proud” “all right dad i love you” all right this poor kid five days in he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple only the dude shows up the kid thought it was weird but he’s like “i need the money i gotta give him a tour” right so he takes this guy up ten minutes into the tour the dude fucking jumped out yeah five days in five days in from the balloons and the cake “we love you son keep the family tree going the traditional line” five fucking days later this kid he probably barely had the speech down just sitting there flying the helicopter “all right if you look out the left side of the aircraft that’s orange county there’s over  miles of beaches there put your seatbelt back on  miles of beaches was established as a county in  sir please don’t open the door sir what are you doing sir no no don’t don’t stop no no what the fuck what the fuck oh my god oh my god oh my god what the fuck what the fuck fuck” air traffic control “i don’t know who’s on this frequency but you really need–” “somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter” five days in so i read further into the story turns out the guy who jumped out he was  years old terminally ill he was in pain every day they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him and he had had enough at that point that guy immediately became a hero in my world know what i love about him not only did he make the decision he didn’t go out like some pussy right handful of pills watching a romantic comedy wrapped in an afghan that nana made fuck that guy went out like a man “take me up in a chopper i’m looking at the land i love and then i’m jumping out like a superhero” i loved it yeah  this guy should have been wearing a fucking cape i can’t imagine how elated he must have been on that helicopter ride up after finally just taking back control of his life like “fuck you disease i decide” ripping tubes out gets a burger shotguns a beer “take me up in the chopper” he probably had his fucking foot on the dashboard he’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour right “over  miles of beaches put your seatbelt back on established as a county in  sir please don’t try to open the door no no don’t don’t don’t”   incredible but here’s the thing i left out one small thing there is one small thing the guy fucking lived yeah yeah they were out over the ocean  feet up you’d think that would be enough so i’m thinking he must have gone in like greg louganis like no splash just… but witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air so that sounds like a hell of an impact i think he accidentally did the most epic  belly flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter but that didn’t change what he was trying to do where his heart was i still love this guy i just feel bad for him on the way down he’s got to be thinking “three more seconds of pain two more seconds” wham  “oh my god this is worse this is way worse” it has a happy ending though he later died at the hospital that’s right so here’s to him god bless him i hope i have the balls someday so where do you go from there well as i mentioned last time i came through town i wanted to get a gun you know i do yeah but i’ve finally given up on that i gave up on that dream my wife doesn’t want me to get one so yeah she didn’t want– dude you got to pick your fucking battles i’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly i can’t fucking have some  hanging around “i’ll do whatever i want all right what i say goes eat it” can’t be that person now it fucking bums me out ’cause all i wanted to do was just get a  that’s all i wanted perfect gun for home protection  caliber you’re laughing at that sir that’s not enough i don’t know i’m down south what do you think that’s not enough right you want– shotgun right  you guys are out of your minds you’re out of your fucking minds let me ask all you gun guys who are gonna make fun if i had a  “what’s with your  that little queer gun do you keep it between your buttocks is that the holster is that what you do with your gay little gun you need a big gun” all you fucking guys let me ask you this all you guys with your guns… have you ever shot the fucking thing without earplugs have you ever done that or you’re like most people you take it down to the gun range you put your earplugs in put your headset on take it out of the briefcase you got your little yellow tinted fucking glasses right you look at your spread or whatever and then you put it back in there right you ever shot that thing without fucking earplugs ‘cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in you’re not gonna have time to be “hang on a second let me just…” yeah you’re not gonna have time dude i shot a fiveshot  one time without earplugs i was landscaping this guy’s yard he comes out at the end of the job “hey i got this fiveshot  you want to go down the street there’s a burnedout car we can take a couple of shots” you know what’s funny every other state is fuckin’ dying laughing at this point in the joke because it’s so goddamn ridiculous until i get down to the south and you guys just sit here staring at me like “all right so what happened pretty standard i thought this was gonna be a comedy show you’re reading from your journal i don’t understand what the– it’s not a real compelling story” i’m mowing a fucking lawn and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says “let’s shoot it at a burnedout car” okay jesus christ can we agree on that so i’m like all right let’s do it fuck it so i go dow',\n",
       "  'n there never shot a gun before i bring the gun up point it at the car i pull the trigger i saw the muzzle flash i felt a kick i never heard the gun i pulled the trigger all i just heard was…  i shot the gun four more times never heard it didn’t get louder didn’t get quieter just kept seeing flashes  all right so let’s take one of your fucking guns let’s just say for the sake of argument all right you got that thing sitting on a nightstand loaded right for god’s sakes tell me you have it there don’t be one of these people that has the gun here and the bullets there you got the thing fucking loaded ready to go   in the morning this is when the psycho’s coming in too right that’s when they come in   in the morning they don’t come by at  at night as you’re cutting into a pork chop “i’m out of my mind i’m coming back in  minutes so stretch out your hammies ’cause it’s gonna get crazy” that’s not how it works they wait till you’re dead asleep   in the morning right before rem sleep is kicking in so let’s just say for the sake of argument all you gun guys you got your thing loaded right your piece right right there loaded for bear you’re lying there same scenario right one leg under the covers one without shirt  in the morning you’re just…  meanwhile some psycho sneaking in through the living room window right he brings in a fucking sickle and he’s just listening listens all the way down that hall and he just hears…  he’s trying not to squeak on the floorboards and you’re just fucking lying there  all of a sudden that little dog on the floor is just like…   “what’s the matter what’s the matter what’s the matter what’s the matter boy you hear something what’s the matter what are you barking for you’re shaking what’s the matter huh you hear something what’s– come on man quit fucking around i got to go to work tomorrow”  all of a sudden boom that door flies open you just see this shadowy figure you pick up that gun blam  and you fucking miss you miss you can’t see now you can’t hear that’s two out of five senses what are you gonna taste him as he comes around the bed you’re still gonna be shooting over here meanwhile you see this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed takes off your head if you had the  you could still hear your ears would be ringing but you could hear that fucker coming across and you could shoot at him and he would leave he would leave you guys just won’t get off the fact that it’s a fuckin’  you’re like psychotic with this shit all right no no no no no no no let me– i will extend an olive branch to you people okay i get it i get it that a  is basically a ‘roidedup bb gun i got it okay i understand that if you actually want to kill somebody you have to basically have the gun up to somebody’s head and be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger i understand that okay but i maintain i don’t care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house i could defend my house with a bb gun i don’t give a fuck how tough you are i don’t care if i started shooting at you with a bb gun at the very least you have to go back outside and regroup that’s a fact that is a fact if i caught you in your elbow that might be the end of your night “look i’m coming back i’m coming back” i’ve been trying to get along with my wife better i’m trying to dial down the douchebaggery in my relationship i’m not turning out the pilot light though all right i’m keeping some fight in me i’m not gonna be that henpecked guy just standing there like “i guess we’re making holiday cookies” that dude with the bowed shoulders “she makes them and then i’m supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them i don’t even think they taste that good but just–” no i stand my ground sometimes sometimes i let it go you just got to figure it out we had a fight the other night she got so mad at me she was like “you can just sleep downstairs you can just sleep downstairs” i couldn’t believe it it’s one of the most arrogant things i’ve ever heard in my life one adult telling another adult where they can sleep “you can just sleep downstairs” like i was just gonna sit up in bed grab a blanket like linus “all right hey where downstairs by the way like over here downstairs or like more over here where should i sleep” it’s like are you out of your mind i go “i’m not sleeping downstairs” she’s like “where you gonna sleep then” i’m like “where i always sleep i will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if i want to what are you gonna do i’m bigger than you i’ll hang onto the covers try to get me out no tickling go ahead” yeah i was like “you don’t tell me where to sleep i sleep where i want to sleep” she’s like “well you don’t tell me where to sleep” i’m like “i’m not the one telling people where to sleep” it was one of those classic relationship fights it’s like  in the morning you’re both half naked she’s not wearing a bra you got half a ball hanging out “and another thing no no i need to say this the other day i felt slighted” it’s fuckin’ unreal but what kills me is that there’s actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit yeah you talk to them they’ll be “hey how’s it been going” “it’s been rough last of couple nights downstairs on the couch you know how that is right” no i don’t i don’t understand how did you get yourself into that situation like what are you afraid of what is she gonna do if you say no what is she gonna fucking chokeslam you onto the kitchen table i understand if you’re dating some woman and she does that ufc mma shit then you got to sleep where she says to sleep you got to she’s gonna come at you “well let’s get you in an arm bar” “all right all right all right” tapping out or even worse she chokes you out you wake up on the couch like  minutes later just grab your jacket off the back of the couch “i fucking hate when she does this it’s like it’s not even fair have a debate like a normal person” all right i’m gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here someone who’s actually been sleeping on the couch okay so there’s the first fear out the window okay she can’t physically dominate you so that’s gone what’s the nex',\n",
       "  't fear she’s gonna cut off the sex yeah rub one out neutralized it’s the most empty threat there is do it right in front of her “join me” yeah i’ve never understood that threat that’s like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator but you got a sandwich in your pocket a neverending sandwich like some biblical shit like jesus with the fucking bread or whatever so now what’s the last thing she can do what can she do now be moody you can’t handle that walk by your tv without looking at you only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen who gives a fuck my wife does that i just sit there i just start commentating “here she comes again walking by the tv she really must be mad” she’s never bodyslammed me once ever i’m not saying to be a dick all right i’m just saying you got to keep them honest every once in a while you got to have a little pushback “hey hey hey hey hey” rest of the shit– i’m learning that about women you just want to keep them calm just keep them calm like a rescue dog right just everything’s cool everything’s cool just “yeah yeah yeah this is great this is great i’m having a great time no your friends are awesome your friends are awesome very interesting party i am talking to people i’m talking to people i am having a good time here” that’s what you do you just do that enough then when you bark back you got a little something here’s an olive branch i’ve extended to her it’s basically… we fight a lot over television i’ve kind of come her way she’s come my way she watches a little bit of sports i occasionally will watch a romantic comedy which i don’t care the nerd’s gonna fuck the cheerleader i’ll watch it right i don’t mind them it’s an uplifting story i just don’t like the love scenes in romantic comedies they creep me out they’re just so fucking nice it’s like missionarystyle there’s candles that stupid saxophone music  it always goes down like the saxophone implies the penetration right ‘cause they can’t show it they got to make her this onedimensional this little angel they ignore the other  of her sexuality no hairpulling no assslapping none of that shit none of that taboo stuff of a woman’s sexuality that’s never brought up that whole “hold me down but let me up but hold me down choke me but let me breathe but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit i want to feel your power but i want to be safe but let me know if you really wanted to” that whole fifty shades of rape whatever the hell that is yeah i don’t even pretend to understand it i remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to choke her a little bit i didn’t even know what she was doing i was just so psyched to be getting laid i was like… and she just kept taking my hand and she kept putting it right here i didn’t know what she was doing i thought she was testing my core strength or some shit and finally i was just like “what are you doing” she says like “i don’t know i just kinda like ya know it’s like squeeze a little bit and kind of like squeeze it why don’t you want to do it it’ll be fun” why don’t i want to do it i don’t think i want a passedout naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck having the cops show up “yeah she’s in here officer damndest thing it was her idea i swear to god it was her idea” yeah they always make it nice in those movies the raciest thing they’ll do is every once in a while they’ll kiss up against a wall i guess women like walls i didn’t know that a lot of upagainstthewall kissing “oh my god it’s the wall oh my god it’s supporting me maybe he’ll support me it’s a metaphor i love it” yeah i saw one the other night they were doing that and then out of nowhere they started having sex up against the wall i’m like finally something a little bit more interesting right but they were doing it standing up facing each other missionarystyle arguably one of the most difficult positions there is and they were doing it with little to no difficulty all she did was lift her leg up like that and that was it he was off to the races i ruined the movie for my wife i’m like “that is fucking bullshit bullshit” what does the guy have like a ushaped dick how is he doing anything is he sticking it in her navel did he grease up her thighs to hell with her needs like if all she’s gonna do is this she’s got to bring it up like an offsides call if that’s what she’s doing all right if not you got to make some adjustments you just got to grab the other leg you got to try to pick her up there use these muscles  maybe you could grab a doorjamb drop down try to come in try to do that dude nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than  seconds before they’re like “all right this is ridiculous okay my calves are burning i can’t get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage i can literally feel you getting on with your day with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world” these guys in the movie they have no problem banging away then they pick them up like they’re not heavy they start walking down they see the bed they just lay her down on the bed dude i’m not trying to be a dick but every woman in here is heavy yeah you’re heavy you’re an adult female jesus christ when do you stop picking up your kids when they’re like five or six “get off of me jesus christ you’re gonna throw out my back go jump on your brother” an adult woman weighs  pounds  all the way up to god knows what and it’s not balanced weight most of it’s in your thighs and in your ass your head’s hanging off trying to counterbalance dude when guys go to the gym we don’t put  pounds on one side and a  over here “fuckin’ yeah” yeah it’s ridiculous trying to carry a naked woman it’s like trying to carry a halffilled waterbed mattress you’re like bumping into shit when you see the bed you don’t walk to it you slowly start picking up momentum then she bounces off this mattress hits the wall slides down the whole sex vibe’s ruined and you’re back to your sandwich in your pocket all right i’m out of time you guys were awesome thank you so much thank you thank you i had a great time i’ll see you next time thank you '],\n",
       " ['bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and on that farm he had a pig e i e i o here a snort there a old macdonald had a farm e i e i o  this is bo burnham he’s  years old he’s a male and he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with ellen degeneres he has a gigantic head and tiny nipples he’s isolated himself over the last  years in pursuit of comedy and in doing so has lost touch with reality you’re an asshole bo you hear me you think you know better than me you think you know better than everybody you will die alone and you will deserve it but in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours see if that helps  you used to do comedy when you felt like being funny but now you’re contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey dance monkey dance welcome to the show this is bo this is his show and bo likes to dance like this welcome to the show this is bo this is his show and bo takes off his pants like this play an invisible drum  play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound drink some invisible water oh shit that water is real bo wants to make you feel comfortable bo wants to make you feel comfortable random voice bo wants to make you feel comfortable so sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact lick your lips to make it more comforting do you wanna see a magic trick yeah do you wanna see a magic trick yeah do you wanna see a magic trick then pick a card any card sike magic isn’t real you idiot read a book magic isn’t real you idiot read a book magic isn’t real you idiot read a book magic isn’t real or is it and at that moment bo’s  cynicism melted into childlike wonder he never knew there could be so much magic in the world it’s a world of possibilities bo what do you wanna do first run yeah sure you can run fly well yeah you can fly what what are you… what the fuck you… what the fuck are you doing stop st stop it what the f you fucking idiot stop stop stop anyways in the distance bo saw a beautiful fairy a fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school he then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard bo knew that he’d have to answer a riddle to get by the troll spoke thus “all right for the last time man i’m not a troll” “i’m homeless” “okay do you have any spare change” “okay that’s a used napkin” “i don’t want that” “no no stop just” “you know leave just leave please leave” and then as bo arrived on the other side of the stage he saw a unicorn with  horns right in front of him and the pentacorn spoke thus “hello bo” ‘i’ve been looking for you for quite a long time no”    he was safe for now… but the dark thoughts would soon return it’s godzilla aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhhhh  oh my god ahhhhh  godzilla aaaaauuugghhhhhh  it’s so hard to be a lizard it’s hard to be a lizard tiny arms itchy gizzard it’s hard to be a lizard but it’s harder to segue is he skiing or is he in a gay porn is he skiing',\n",
       "  ' what or is he in a gay porn is he skiing huh or is he in a gay porn here’s a hint he’s in a gay porn okay bo this miming shit is getting pretty annoying so give ’em the real thing  my voice is so fucking natural  it’s naturally good  naturally good naaaaturally good this is the end of the song and the beginning of the show welcome to the show  that lizard part was pretty fucking stupid anyway san francisco yeah we are a place we are a place in california um i’d like to uh i’d like to start with a joke for my male audience uh this is a joke for the fellas where are my fellas at fellas  yo fellas don’t you hate it when you’re blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot am i right i’ve been blowing a faggot this whole time third time this week thank you so much we’re having fun… this um this show is called “what” and i hope there are some surprises for you or someth jesus sorry it’s a good start uh hope there’s he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah art is a lie nothing is real so um we uh grow up grow up with your applause stick it… he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an acc– just don’t if it’s on repeat it will repeat just… we can cut all this so… we meant to play the track again yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to play the water track agagagain art’s still a lie nothing’s still real food jokes let’s do some food jokes segues are weird um…  i had a hot dog for breakfast today and afterwards i felt like this cos i couldn’t control my stools alright jesus… i’m glad you like poop based puns they will be a majority of the show never waste a moment every moment can become a comedic moment see so… just a little lesson for comedians this first song is called “a world on fire”  this next song it’s a little bit… it’s a little bit longer then that one and… thank you it’s about how sad i am and i’m really sad it’s called “sad”  it’s about all the sad stuff just picture a depressed onion cutting it self  i met a homeless man named rich isn’t that terrible i saw a flyer for a lost dog and the dog did not have any legs i saw a diabetic kid trickortreating i saw a giraffe who had a short neck that was sad or a dear i saw an old man get hit by a train he didn’t see it in the pouring rain he didn’t hear me shout “look out for the train” cos i didn’t say anything i just thought to my self “ooh this is going to be sad” and it was i’m a genius  i saw a man with only one eye in a  movie i saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse i saw a kitten stuck in a tree then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self i saw a boy who had red hair i went to a store looking for something to buy but they only sold paintings of the same sad guy no wait this store sells mirrors see what i did there lets rock no the worlds is so sad bros pain genocide war sexism racism but i gotta remember there’s good things about it too like the fact that none of that is happening to me score still though it’s hard not to be sad about it  how do you all do it i’ve been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you haven’t been sad at all you’ve been… you’ve been happy no… you’ve been laughing that’s it laughter that’s the key to everything it’s the way to solve a',\n",
       "  'll the sadness in the world i mean not for the people that are actually sad but for people like us that gotta fucking deal with them all the time being a comedian isn’t being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public it’s being a hero the world isn’t sad the world is funny i’m a sociopath i saw an old man slip and fall hey what a fucking idiot i saw a woman at her daughters funeral hahaha classic comedy everything that once was sad is somehow funny now the holocaust and  that shit’s funny  cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about because my empathy is bumming me out godbye sadness hello jokes thank you  i’ve got a really good joke about video editors video editors are so fucking… i think we should do a poem right now if that’s ok this poem is a little bit sappy a little bit romantic so we’ll get it out of the way now and we’ll go back to the… oops… the dirty stuff you know everyone loves at a late show or whatever ok it’s called “i fuck sluts”  it’s not a roll call but thank you sluts sluts  sluts sluts i fuck sluts sluts get fucked when i fuck sluts no ifs ands or buts i fuck sluts i fuck sluts nice girls are nice but no good for nut sucking they’ll need a serene night to greenlight a buttfucking but that’ll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking boo to the nice girls praise be to slut fucking i have a list a list yes a list of all the sluts i’ve missed i’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed so when i fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list another dumb cumbucket struck from my nut sucking suck it slut slut fucking bucket list  yes you hear the influences chaucer keats um… the pages are blank i know it why am i lying to you sluts can be white black brown pink or almond they can be skinny with big tits or be skinny with small ones sluts can be perky prepy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash excuse me but other sluts are pretty and funny and smart these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart they can talk about science music or art they can put you together or they can pull you apart but don’t trust there sluts don’t don’t you dare they’ll force you to trust them and love them and care and then they’ll be gone and you’ll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there thank you very much  so he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken we all learn something thank you all for coming i know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense a little bit hard to follow particularly that one so i want to do something a little bit slower for the people maybe the older people in the crowd or something so umm…  this’s for you here’s a slow joke   what did the ear of corn say  when all of it’s clothes fell off  aww shucks  get it  like “shucks” as in shucking corn  and also “shucks” the exclamation  am i right   good we’re having fun umm… my father recently told me that i act too flamboyant on stage and i said “really dad” “prove it”  he sad “well what about that joke” “where you throw confetti at the end of it” i said “well i haven’t written that joke yet” “cos it’s based of this conversation” “gotcha” keep it keep the struggle we are having a lot of fun guys don’t worry you don’t have to fill the silences with laughter or applause i don’t want y',\n",
       "  'ou leaving this show thinking “my hands hurt from clapping” “my stomach hurts from laughing” i just want you leaving the show thinking “meh… alright…” and we are on our way i moved to um… hollywood recently from boston where i grew up and…  places and i…  i heard about these sort of wild hollywood party nights that people would have and i did not think they were true until i moved to hollywood and i started having them anyway this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago it’s called “what did i do last night”  yeah yeah hey hey hey what did i do last night i cried my self to sleep    it was a good one when did my mother first describe gay sex to me good question i was  years old… i was  years old she brought me into the dining room she sat right across the table from me she said “do you know how your father and i love each other” i said “of course” “you and dad love each other” “more then two people could possible love each other” she said “well two men can love each other in the exact same way” “that your father and i love each other” she said “what happens when two men love each other like that” “what they do is they take off all their clothes” “umm they get into bed” “and they shit on the bible”  so i don’t talk to her anymore ok   hello patient  hi i’m sorry  how are you feeling not great  has the treatment been working no it hasn’t been  what are your remaining symptoms i just… i internalise my feelings i have trouble articulati… like other people and relating to them…  so basically you’re still a little bitch real mature of you disembodied voice  i was just joking nigger  we are right by oakland careful with that shit  i’m not human i can say whatever i want alright just get to the… what what’s wrong with me please  your emotions and your logic are at war ok  your creativity and your analysis are at war  and most simply  your left and your right brain are at war my left and my right…   to fix the problem  we must separate them from each other separa…  splitting your neurological functions in    we book an appointment  you don’t just start counting down  this may hurt a bit i don’t even know what “it” is  zero just…   isolation complete  this is bo’s left brain  objective logical cold  analytical aware of patterns  aware of trends  he’s efficient  and a prick  this is bo’s right brain  subjective creative sensory  aware of feelings  aware of people  he’s emotional yes  and an idiot that’s your opinion… so just… be careful with opinions… yooo  play nice i am the left brain i am the left brain i work really hard to my inevitable death brain you’ve got a job to do you better do it right and the right way is with the left brains might i like oreos and pussy yeah ok and i cried for at least an hour after watching toy story  i am the right brain i have feelings i’m a little all over the place but i’m lustful trustful and i’m looking for somebody to love and put my penis in here comes a female here comes a female puff your chest out take your phone and check your email our evolutionary purpose is repopulate so gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate holy fuck i think she might be the one there’s something about her i just can’t describe it tits i am the earth she is the glorious sun i want her to trust me and i just want her to sit on my face sit… sit… alright new right brain you’re being',\n",
       "  ' insane no left brain i’m just being alive you should try it you might like it i worked hard to give him everything he cared about you were worried about the things he was scared about i’m calm and collected when you act wild i am the adult you are the child you think you are the right one every time you think you know everything you don’t know anything at all half of his problems were supposed to be mine but you wanted everything i hope that you’re happy cos he’s sure not well according to my calculations you are a pussy name calling really we’re going to do name calling we are not calling names we are just stating facts and the fact is you’re a quivering pussy i’m the pussy well at least i don’t play with toys still ok rubik’s cubes are not toys they keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp left brain plays with toys look at you johnny fucking… toy player well at least i did my fucking job i kept him working i kept him productive you were supposed to look after him you were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this now you are trying to blame me for how he’s feeling how he’s feeling if he’s feeling unhappy it’s because you failed him you did this to him he hates you i know he does he fucking hates you  right brain look i’m sorry no you’re not… look maybe there’s something that we could do together together take the best parts of both of us and put them together i’m listening… it would let you let your feelings out it would let me analyse so you could man the themes i’ll man the form it’s something that george carlin did it’s something that steve martin did it’s something special that we could both perform do you know what it is juggling we could juggle and juggle our cares away it was comedy we could do comedy together  initiate reassembly alright right brain we are going to do comedy together altight left brain i’ll do comedy with you look we can fix him like this make him happy again i promise left brain… left brain i love you i know  experimentation complete thank you very much  at this part of the show i’d like to talk about how deep i am   i’m pretty fucking deep… deep… deep… so deep… that i called this song… hashtag deep have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air me neither have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren’t there meat cleaver the people in my life are like grains of sand cos they stick together often near my butthole if life is an ocean i am a deep and handsome fish a fish that’s drowning if the artistic process is a birth canal then i am a freshly jellied kid come witness my crowning these thoughts of mine must be a sign that i’m hashtag deep if jesus can walk on water can he swim on land have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face me neither me neither have you ever wrote a song note for note and not a single note was out of place  the people in my life are like blades of grass how cos they’re all so grounded but at least grass stays away from my butthole art is a harlot and i am her sassy urban friend oooh… that’s why you’re being so selfish if mamma is right and the world is my oyster then i must have an allergy to shell… you don’t know how could you know if life makes you wish you were dead just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head spend forever asle',\n",
       "  'ep cos life pales in comparison to living the dream hashtag deep  thank you     don’t you hate it when that happens yeah thank you that’s called “beating off in a minor” yes… yes… “aminor” the key not the felony so… i believe…  i believe there’s nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with  other guys it’s true it’s early caveman cromagnon wandering though the fog you know scrubbing  other sapiens no homo  i’d like to do… erm… do some poems right now erm… if that’s ok we’re at this point at the show these poems are actually… i’m releasing this special for free so i’m going to plug my poetry book these are my new poems from my poetry book called “egghead” that will be out by the time this is airing but not by the time you guys are seated here right now they are pretty serious and it’s all just sort of… this is usually the lull of the show usually so i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience and just read some poems and then we’ll go back to the giggles so… this is a poem by a dog “roses are gray violets are a different shade of gray” “let’s go chase cars”    “me with my strange choice of adjectives” “you with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina”  “i put a chameleon on a red dildo” well… “he blushed” there we go  this is a poem about beauty about self image and about the ability to transform “martha was ugly like a shaven baboon” “so she wrapped her self up” “in a curtain cocoon” “and after a week she finally emerged” “she smelled like shit what a psycho”    “you’re incomparable” “like a … ”      “i want to beat you to death with a blunt object” “i want to grab one of those” “high end fashion manikins by the ankles” “and bash your rib cage in” “i want to sharpen  pencils” “bind them with a rubber band” “stick the lead in your mouth” “and punch the erasers” “i want to strap you to a bed of nails” “then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car” “so i can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps” “in a mall parking lot during an earthquake” “i want you to somehow survive” “a terrible car crash and then somehow” “not survive a small fender bender” “on the way back from a hospital”    thank you that’s called “dad”    this is a poem… it’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children but i think it’s got a lesson we could all learn “the squares lived happily” “in their square houses” “in their square yard” “in their square town” “but then one day” “a family of circles moved in from the west” “get out of here roundies” “shouted one of the squares” “why said one of the circles” “cos this is a metaphor for racism”      “when i walk into a party” “you’d think i was one of those long straight tetris pieces” “cos everyone’s just like oh yeah this guy’s here” “finally we’ve been waiting for him to show up” like you wait… in the game… forget it  no you had your chance “if i had a million dollars” “i’d pay your mother to have sex with me” “afterwards i’d probably invest the remaining ” ten dollars for sex with your mother comedy i smell comedy well it was comedy giving off that scent and finally “mid october” “with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings” “the streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions” “and me” “eating that pussy baby”    thank you so much um… there’s things that i don’t want to come across in my show that i worry often come across about me cos people',\n",
       "  ' don’t realize it’s an act up here i don’t want you to ever think that i think that i’m better then people or that i think i know better then people um… anyway sorry ok this is a song from the perspective of god      books you think i wrote are way to thick who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick and i don’t watch you when you sleep surprisingly i don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep you’re not going to heaven why the fuck would you think i’d ever kick it with you none of you are going to heaven there’s a trillion aliens cooler then you you shouldn’t abstain from rape just cos you think that i want you to you shouldn’t rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do pretty obvious just don’t fucking rape people didn’t think i needed to write that one down for you i don’t think masturbation is obscene it’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing i’ve ever seen you make my job a living hell i send gays to fix overpopulation boy did that go well you’re not going to heaven eat a thousand crackers sing a million hymns none of you are going to heaven you’re not my children you are a bad game of sim you shouldn’t abstain from pork just cos you think that i want you to you can eat pork cos why the fuck would i give a shit i created the universe you think i’m drawing the line at the fucking deli isle    you argue and you bicker and you fight atheists and catholics jews and hindus argue day and night over what they think is true but no one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you you pray so badly for heaven knowing any day might be the day that you die but maybe life on earth could be heaven doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try my love’s the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it you won’t need it my love’s the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it you won’t need it i’m not gonna give you love just cos i know that you want me to if you want love then the love has gotta come from you     “walking between the micorphones” “is really awkward” tell me about it um… women are stupid yeah i fucking said it they are the weaker dumber sex i can prove it to you i like to practice safe sex why cos i’m a guy and i’m smarter what do women say every time every time i put on a condom what do they say “why are you wearing a condom” “i’m fucking you with a strapon” to be safe bitch women right they’re the dumb ones it’s time for a story let’s do a story  “it’s time for a story” “it’s time for a story” “a very special story” “especially for you” “it’s time for a story” “it’s time for a story” “sit down and listen now” “don’t be a jew” this story is called… it’s a glitch you can be jewish this story… this story is called “andy the frog” featuring long and convoluted similes and i’ll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears it’s old head so here we go “once upon a time there was a frog name andy”  “andy lived at the patent park pond” “and he never hopped anywhere else” “in his entire frog life” “he had three best friends” “milly who never left her lily pad”  “billy who was always hopping mad” “and roger who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn”  “so one day…” “one day…” “andy saw something hop across the grass” “on the other side of the pond” “milly billy roger look said andy” “across the pond stood” “the most ',\n",
       "  'beautiful frog andy had ever seen” “she’s gorgeous said milly” “she’s beautiful said billy” “a bit old for my taste said roger” “classic roger” “and then she was gone” “i need to go find her said andy” “i need to follow my little frog heart” “so andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest” “he then came across a turtle” “you can’t pass said the turtle” “please said andy” “no said the turtle” and this is the first long convoluted simile “then there was a rustling in the bushes” “and like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle” “the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle”    “andy kept moving but at this point” “like the doctor of the kenyan track team” “his patience ran thin” “andy kept moving”  “he then came across a giant crocodile” “and the crocodile began to chant” “i woke up this morning” “and i sat on a log” “i opened up the menu” “the menu said frog”  “andy said no no please let go of me” “i can feel my self dying” “you’re ripping out my insides” “i’m never going to find her am i” “there’s no god is there” “fuck” “fuck” the end the end so that’s the end of that story    if you are curious the moral of that story is irrelevant cos we are humans why would it apply to us um… you know my father is so hard to get along with cos he’s such a man’s man you know he believes like for example you should always fight fire with fire which is a horrible way to live your life especially for him because he’s a firefighter so… he was fired… that was as stupid as we get but let’s get a little stupider ha “there’s a creepy old man” “fishing in a park” “and the only problem is” “he tied a candy bar” “to the end of his line” “he’s trying to catch a kid” you know that stuff… trying to get a little more mainstream  um… people complain about the way i act on stage very often you know they say like i repeat jokes or they also say that they say… they don’t get again that this is an act on stage they think on stage i act too arrogant too selfobsessed solipsistic selfcontained synonyms and they want me to be… they want me to be a comic of the people you know relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy so i want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys i’m like you guys you know once a week i like to slip into a deep existential depression where i loose all my sense of oneness and self worth haha and what i like to do in order to assure my self that i am unique and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in jesus and satan’s backgammon game is i will… i’ll say a group a words that i think no one has ever said in that order so that… when i say it i feel like “look at me” participating in this new moment that no one’s ever been a part of so i’ll say something random like like “peanutbutter tribadism” or “i’m your father and i loved your comedy show” or “at first i wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone with my children” “but then i saw his mustache phew…” or um… or “yo check out this amish website” or um… or “i work at a toll booth and i don’t want to kill my self” or… that’s… too… too real or “yo man life’s about three things man” “three things” “gettin’ money” “gettin’ pussy” “and the dewey decimal system” or… um… or “hey can you hold my fanny pack i’m gonna go fuck a woman”    um… if i could break… i want to tank you all for being here because i',\n",
       "  '… i’m so grateful that you’d all come here and spend an hour of your time with me and if you are watching at home or whatever on a computer or something if you have made it this far that you very much for watching genuinely… i… this is my favorite thing to do and i’m so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it um… ok i will now recede back into my stage persona   i just blacked out for  seconds thank you for coming love songs used to be so beautiful you know “let us go then you and i” “when the evening is spread out against the sky” “like a patient etherised upon a table” t s eliot beautiful love songs now a days just as beautiful guys usher justin bieber  you know them but these new artists they’ve done something very strange to the format of the love song they’ve changed it a bit and i try to… capture how they’ve changed the format of the love song with this love song i hope you enjoy it and mark the differences jason derulo i love your hair i love your name i love the way you say it i love your heart and you’re so smart cos you gave away it i love your sis i love your dad and i love your mom but more then all of that i love the fact that you are dumb enough to not realise everything i’ve said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords but you’ll still love it and let me finger you yeaaa finger you finger you oh girl i hope you don’t think that i’m rude when i tell you that i love you boo i also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved america says we love a chorus but don’t get complicated and bore us though meaning might be missin’ we need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff… repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff… repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff… repeat stuff repeat stuff …repeat stuff yeah oh you know it i love my baby and you know i could not live without her but now i need to make every girl think this song’s about her just to make sure that they spread it like the plague so i describe my dream girl as really really vague like i love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other i love your eyes and their blueishbrownishgreenish color i love it when you smile that you smile wide and i love how your torso has a arm on either side if you’re my agent you might be thinking “oh no” “sound the alarm” “you’re not appealing” “to little girls” “who don’t have arms” but they can’t use itunes so… fuck them who needs them oh girl i ho… oh hello satan  satan you taste so good repeat stuff… repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff… repeat stuff everybody  repeat stuff…  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff… c’mon louder i can’t hear you  repeat stuff…  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff…    young ones listen up i’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you so read them and hate your self and pay me to tell you i love you  and your parents will always come along because their little girl is in love and how can love be wrong how can love be wrong when you repeat stuff… repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff… rep…  …i am a vessel… ……  …illuminati… we know it’s not right we know it’s not funny but we’ll stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money but until then… we will repeat stuff    thank ',\n",
       "  'you so much you guys have been… um… you guys have been absolutely amazing you’ve been absolutely amazing that’s the end of the show i probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there but yeah that’s the end of “what” i hope you liked it…  bo  oh my god  how are you  i have not seen you  since like freshman year  oh my god  you were so like skinny  and weird back then  but now you’re… um…  anyway… um…  you should totally come  to this party i’m having tonight  with some of my college friends  it’s gonna be off the chain hook  it’s gonna be so good  you can play some songs for us  or something  i’ve been telling everybody  how good a friends we were  back in the day  i know we never talked  or hung out ever but… um…  i think that’s what made  our friendship so special you know  anyway text me ok bye  mr burnham  how you doing  good good  i’m a… i’m a agent  from out los angeles  really dig your stuff man  it’s out there you know  i totally get it  and the best part about it man  you got all these young fans  and… which is great  because young people  they’re… they’re very passionate  they’re very… um… reliable consumers  but what you gotta do  in order to take your career  to the next level  you gotta cater more heavily to them  alright we’ve done studies  young people do not respond  to this you know introspective material  these challenges to the form you know  young people want jokes  they can relate to ok  so… write a…  write a silly song about facebook  you know write some jokes  about twitter  or sugary cereal  or razor scooters  relate to them  you know also  you gotta reestablish your presence  on the internet buddy alright  it’s not important weather  the material is good or not  what’s important is  that you keep the bo burnham brand  alive and well  you get it cool  we’ll discuss more later  i know it’s a lot  my number is … …  fag  what up dude  what’s up how are you man  you’ve changed bro  you’ve changed  i never knew you  but my friends old room mate’s friend  said he knew you in highschool  and that you became a real asshole  once all this comedy stuff started happening  what is it man  you think you are better then us  you think you are better then us  just because you are tall  woah congrats man you are tall  wow that’s incredible  woah you want a trophy  for being tall  you wonna… we should just give  trophies to tall things  and every tree and building  will have a trophy  does that make sense  yo why are you acting  all quiet and weird right now  yo i know why you are  it’s cos you are an arrogant prick  that’s why an arrogant fucking prick  i once herd that you  actually act quiet because  you are shy and introverted in real life  and that people should not expect  you to act the same way  off stage as you do on stage  ha ha yeah yeah…  that makes no sense  anyway you wanna buy some weed  bo oh my god  bo oh my god bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo oh my god  mr burnham bo bo  fag bo oh my god mr burnham bo bo fag bo oh my god mr burnham   i am satan lord of darkness    what the hell   you’re not gonna hit the girl  that’s sexist  we think you’ve changed bro  we know best  you suck we think you’ve changed bro we know best you suck we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you'],\n",
       " ['this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living that stare is where most of his hard work happens it signifies a profound train of thought the alchemist’s fire that transforms fear and tragedy into levity and livelihood dave calls that look “the trance” ♪ play me ♪ ♪ buy me ♪ ♪ workinonit ♪ ♪ tune up ♪ ♪ tune ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ fade me ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ thank you thank you very much thank you all oh wow that was exciting wasn’t it thank you guys have a seat feel comfortable relax i want to thank everyone in la for a wonderful week it’s been great here you know what it’s been ten years since the last time i played los angeles if you can imagine i know i know i’ve been gone for a very long time and unbeknownst to you it was a difficult ten years i’m not gonna take you through all the agony i’ve been through but it was tough some of it you might’ve seeni don’t know if you ever saw on tmz the big headline “dave chappelle drunk onstage in detroit” well if you saw it i wasn’t drunk i had smoked some reefer… with some rappers yeah i don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers but their weed is very strong stronger than i what i was accustomed to the article goes on to say i was booed offstage which is also incorrect i was booed i did not leave it was a long bomb it was a fucking nightmare two puffs of weed that’s all it was two puffs i never had that happen where i take two puffs of weed i looked at the guy next to me i was like “i’m gonna bomb nigga i can feel it” and that guy called my name “dave chappelle” niggas was like… normally when you do a comedy show– you guys don’t know what it looks like up here but niggas be just looking up at you like… that’s how the show started didn’t take long for their faces to switch up like “what the fuck” they started looking amongst themselves so i knew i wasn’t doing good i don’t remember what i was saying it just took one person to break the ice it was a black lady with a ford motor shirt on stood up suddenly “fuck you dave chappelle” i said “excuse me” she said “i worked all week for this shit and this show sucks” and in a weird act of racial harmony a conservative white guy stood up and backed her up “yeah” the whole crowd banded together and started chanting “we want our money back we want our money back” i said “oh shit” i snapped out of it “good people of detroit hear me hear me now you will never get your fucking money back” fuck that i said “i’m like evel knievel i get paid for the attempt i didn’t promise this shit would be good” “boo” they said “fuck you”this went on for a long time and then after the show i felt so bad i took half of the money from the show– thousands of dollars– i said “i’m gonna give this to charity” you know what i did i bought  worth of bubble gum and drove around detroit and handed it out to the homeless so they could chew it and still be hungry i was very mad at detroit that night because not only did i bomb i had to go back to the very same room the next night and do it all over again fucking nightmarethat would be like if you were having sex with a woman and for some reason– this would never happen– but for some reason she had a mousetrap in her pussy you get caught in the trap and then you’ve got to fuck her again tomorrow night i’d still do it but i’d be careful the next time the old mousetrapinthepussy trick eh fool me once yeah yeah it was a tough time and i wanted to give up sometimes i almost did give up but then right before i gave up i decided not to but i made the call they answered the phone “hello dancing with the stars” i said “not yet not yet” yeah if you see me on that shit it’s over trust me my spirit is broken if you see me waiting for them judges… getting critiqued on my chacha fuck that i’ve been hanging out in– i haven’t been working in la but i come out here and hang out and shit i was out here a few weeks ago i almost got arrested i’m not bullshitting this happens to a lot of black people what happened was… i was coming out of one of those nightclubs in hollywood and my friend saw me i guess i was wobbling or something so he just rolled up he’s a good friend of mine he’s like “hey dave give me the keys” i was like “all right nigga just take the keys” and i got in the passenger’s side of my car and he drove it it was fine just talking chopping it up and then on the  the blueandwhites hit us now ',\n",
       "  'i should tell you the friend that was driving me was black which really doesn’t have anything to do with the story other than to let you know there was fear in the car not my fear i’m black but i’m also dave chappelle so i figured you know shit will probably be fine traffic stop started off on the right foot the cops came up to the driver’s side “hi how are you guys doing tonight” and he recognized me immediately “oh dave chappelle” and i looked at my friend like “we’re getting out of this shit” and then he says “you guys were swerving in the lane do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second” still no cause for alarm i looked through the rearview mirror the body language of the arrest looked good just talking so then i started fucking with the radio you know a traffic stop is going good if you’re listening to the radio when someone else is outside of the car but then when i looked back in the rearview mirror something had gone horribly wrong that motherfucker was back there like… and the next thing i knew they were stuffing him in the back of the car and i thought what anybody would think in a situation like that “oh my god what is gonna happen to me” and the police walked up to the window “mr chappelle we had to arrest your friend he refused to take our breathalyzer test” i said “that motherfucker not complying that’s odd so officer what’s gonna happen to me” “you’re fine we’re just gonna have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound the vehicle and we’ll arrange for you to have a ride home” i said “oh well no i would rather you just give me the keys” he said “mr chappelle your friend already told us he’s your designated driver we can’t let you drive in this condition” i was like “no nigga i’m good” and then suddenly the shit turned into vegas he was like… “i’ll let you blow for it” i said “excuse me” he said “if you blow in my breathalyzer–” i said “oh nigga i thought you was trying to get your dick sucked what’s the– whew whew” “if you blow in my breathalyzer and pass i’ll give you the keys to the car” i said “uh… set ’em up nigga let’s play” and i blew in that thing and it made a noise “beep” i said “uhoh” and he looked at it he said “oh well mr chappelle i guess you’re free to go” i said “i am” i didn’t know that thing didn’t pick up weed i drove home on the miles an hour yeah it all worked out it all worked out i’m one of the lucky onesit doesn’t work out that well for everybody i saw that videotape of that lady that got beat up in la in traffic you see that shit on rush hour traffic they beat a black woman’s ass this woman didn’t even do anything wrong it’s fucked up it was so fucked up it didn’t even go to court the city of la just gave that woman  million for her pain and suffering that is not bad considering that’s the same amount of money that marcos maidana made to fight floyd mayweather the second time and this woman obviously hasn’t trained a day in her life you can see it on the tape she didn’t come to fight her guards were low she was taking a lot of shots everybody’s mad at police now i watched that– you see that shit on netflix making a murderer the steven avery story if you haven’t seen it check it out steven avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the united states has ever been in in a justice system designed for him to thrive he’s failed miserably twice i can’t even wrap my mind around it if making a murderer was about a black dude that shit would be called duh of course everything would go wrong seems like he did it all right the motherfucker even had  for his legal defense that should get you off in wisconsin that’s like oj money all he needed to get off that he didn’t have was a single black juror that’s all it would’ve took because only a black dude in the united states can look at other dudes and be like “i think the police did this shit” he’s fucked up in the game that’s how oj got off i’ve been watching that new oj show i can’t get enough of that shit doesn’t it bring back good memories but i forgot just how polarizing that oj case was and you know i’ve met oj simpson on four different occasions in my life and before the end of the show i will tell you about each of those occasions the first time i met oj simpson i was in santa monica santa monica yeah i can’t believe a black dude was like “santa monica” you the last nigga i would expect to say that let me see your shoes you got some vans on nigga what you got “santa monica” you at the time i was  i had done a show and the guy from the club came up and was like “hey oj simpson’s here and he said he wan',\n",
       "  'ts to meet you” i said “what fuck yeah” i ran down the steps and oj was down there he’s like “hey young man how are you it’s very good to meet you and you’re doing really good work and i hope good things happen for you in your life” i was like “man thanks mr juice” standing beside him was– i don’t know the nice way to say this– his soontobeslain wife ladies and gentlemen man the fuck up or you’re not gonna make it to the end of this show just man the fuck up she’s dead we already know what happened we don’t know who did it but we know what happened i should tell you that woman was very nice to me she actually embraced me she said “i think you’re adorable” and she hugged me she goes “good luck to you” and she held me for a long time and i whispered in her ear “bitch are you trying to get us both killed” i’m just kidding i didn’t say that but… that was the first time in a nutshell it’s good to see so many… so many different people here from so many different ethnicities very diverse crowd looks like you thought bernie sanders was gonna come out in this motherfucker but… surprise it’s me yeah yeah you know i’m happy really to see black people come a lot of black people don’t fuck with me like they used to but there’s a few reasons you don’t see black people at my shows one is because obviously black people have slower internet connections i mean that would be my guess i don’t know what– actually my own actions drew a wedge between me and the community i hold so dear a couple of weeks ago i was supposed to be in flint michigan for a charity benefit that was supposed to raise awareness for the appalling condition of the water in flint i don’t know if you know this but the water in flint is fucking poisonous it’s actually making people sick hollywood people are like “so what at least they have water” but this water– this water is fucked up so a lot of black celebrities flew into flint and they did a tremendous charity benefit and i was on the schedule to appearuh… so the reason a lot of people haven’t heard about this benefit– it was the same day as the oscars right i know so i was on my way to the airport to go to flint and then chris rock calls me and is like “hey dave i got a ticket for you for the oscars can you make it” and i was like “sure nigga i’m on my way to the airport right now” come on man what am i gonna do about that water what am i a fucking superhero i need to have fun i need to live too i didn’t fuck that water up stevie wonder was there they didn’t need me i’m sorry everybody i’d never been to the oscars you’ve seen the movies i make i was excitedi knew i was gonna get into some trouble because when i was walking on the red carpet the black press came after me “excuse me brother” when you hear somebody call you “brother” too much something terrible is about to happen “excuse me brother brother” and i looked back and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie i said “uhoh” he said “i just want to ask you a couple questions” i said “what publication are you with” he said “me i’m with the daily bongo” i said “daily bongo what the fuck who the fuck reads this” he said “listen brother i just want to ask you a quick question you understand that this year this is a boycott for the oscars so i’m just wondering what made you of all people cross the motherfucking picket line and be here tonight” i said “boycott nigga i haven’t been working in ten years what do you mean boycott i’ve been on strike y’all niggas didn’t stop working i had to watch fucking key and peele do my show every night so fuck the daily bongo” is what i said i went to the oscars and had a wonderful time i went in that fucking green room it was filled with so many stars i couldn’t even believe what i was seeing hollywood was seducing me all over again i was sitting back there i’m smoking drinking with the starsand then two hollywood movie producers came over right to me “oh my god dave chappelle” said the leader one he was obviously gay some guys you can just tell the other one seemed like a money guy maybe he was from texas or some shit but the gay one was definitely the leader because he did all the talking and then he hit me with “so david um… do you have any movie ideas that you would like to pursue” the truth is i don’t but if you know the game you’re not supposed to tell motherfuckers you don’t have ideas i was like “yeah man i got plenty of ideas” and he called my bluff “really like what” “huh oh um… um…”and then i just started making up shit that i thought maybe he’d like to see i said “i have a superhero idea” he goes “really” i go “',\n",
       "  'yeah he’s a– he’s a gay superhero” he was like “really what’s it called” “huh oh it’s called– it’s called same hero new boots it’s about a gay souschef in san francisco… that gets bit by a radioactive rat on his shift when he’s taking out the trash and is blessed with powers beyond his wildest dreams supersonic gay kind of powers and he starts saving everybody in san francisco but at first he only saves gay people later he saves everybody and the whole city just falls in love with him the only problem is no one remembers him when he saves them” “well i don’t understand why wouldn’t they remember him” i said “because dummy he’s gay he keeps changing his outfit people come up– ‘thanks for saving me sir what’s your name anyway’ he’s like ‘same hero new boots’ and that motherfucker flies away”he was like “i like it a lot” the texan didn’t like that shit at all he was upset “that’s impossible a gay superhero” i said “what well i have others i have a superhero you’d love ’cause he’s stronger than superman and he fights for truth justice and the american way like superman but more than superman he beats up mexicans for no reason” the texan’s like “you got my attention” i’m like “man this motherfucker’s so strong he can fly and do all this great shit only problem with this guy is he can’t even activate his powers unless he touches– unless he touches a woman’s vagina not a long touch just a couple of pats” he said “well what’s the problem with that” i said “the problem sir is that our hero is not a handsome man and he’s often short on cash so whenever trouble breaks out he has to run around the city and convince women to let him pat their vaginas ‘please miss that building’s on fire can i pat your vagina quickly people are dying’ but he can’t tell them exactly why ‘eww get away you’re gross’ ‘please miss people are dying just a couple of pats’ ‘eww gross get away’ so he rapes themi know i know that’s the dilemma for the audience because he rapes but he saves a lot of lives and he saves way more than he rapes and he only rapes to save but he does rape” i didn’t realize it but the whole green room was looking at us all the celebrities were disgusted “ohh” that guy from texas was like “here’s my card call me on monday” that worked out the second time i met oj simpson it was right after the trial of the century there i was now a young man of probably  oj simpson was the most famous or infamous face on planet earth i was in a restaurant in beverly hills with my agents i wasn’t alone in the restaurant but i was alone i was the only black person in the restaurant and in the ’s that felt very uncomfortable now i tend to enjoy it at this age i was having dinner with my agents celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative but i later learned fucking sucked and suddenly a group of women walked by every race was in that group black white asian latina white white… and white again they were all gorgeous i watched them walk by then i saw a familiar face al cowlings the man from the infamous bronco chase walked by and embraced one of the women and they walked towards the door couldn’t believe what i saw and then close behind him was oj simpson newly released from jail the restaurant fell still i was shocked i didn’t mean to say it out loud but it just came out “oj” he stopped turned around to see who said it saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me i was sitting in the corner of the booth he leaned over all the white people i was having dinner with and shook my hand “how are you young man” he looked in my eyes and i could see in his eyes that he didn’t remember meeting me the first time and then he walked away and i looked back at my agents and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces and the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named sharon who used to represent me “how could you” she said “how could you shake hands with that murderer” i said “sharon with all due respect that murderer ran for over  yards and he was acquitted so you know fuck it the glove didn’t fit the glove didn’t fit get over yourself” some people can’t do that some people just can’t get over themselves gay people have a hard time doing that recently here we go here comes the deep water no recently i’ve noticed that i noticed it with that manny pacquiao controversy yeah it was– now in the gay community’s defense manny pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay people very not nice things that i won’t repeat but there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals it wasn’t a good look nike took his shoes immediately which ',\n",
       "  'i thought was a little harsh a little harsh you know what i mean just ’cause he’s asian you know what i mean how the fuck are you gonna take the shoes off an asian dude to appease a gay dude you know what i mean no you don’t know what i mean but asian people kind of know what i mean no no asians in the front no no this is what i mean look you’re an asian dude– i say this with no disrespectwe’re all americans right and we can agree that america has a huge body count all over the world but nowhere more than asia literally if you look at history recently we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent we dropped two atomic bombs on fucking japan and they’ve been drawing hello kitty and shit ever since there’s a lot of ladyboys in the wake of our bombs and i know these things because my wife is asian she’s filipino all right okay so that explains it now you know why you see me at all those filipino events i’m not there picking up pussy i’m dropping some off i take my wife to all that shit i took my wife to see pacquiao fight mayweather we sat ringside okay that– yeah that was a quiet car ride home that’s what that wasbut if you know what’s popping in the philippines you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the philippines growing up without their mothers yes a lot of women in the philippines go to the arabian peninsula they come to the united states they make all their money here they send all that money back home which is still one of the numberone staples in the philippines’ economy– money that the expats send back to the philippines the men on the other hand are left rearing children twiddling their thumbs waiting on their wives’ checks these men have been fucking emasculatedand then suddenly a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist this is not the guy you’re supposed to ask “what do you think of homosexuals” he’s not your champ shit that’s why i don’t have a sneaker deal ’cause if you say something that people don’t like they’ll take your fucking shoes offif martin luther king had a sneaker deal we’d still be on the back of the bus it’s true the nike exec would come up– “hi martin uh… we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and blacks being humans it’s upsetting our southern distributors” “but i don’t understand i thought that’s why i had a sneaker deal in the first place” “not quite really it’s a walking shoe and we like the marching but… try to understand” fuck that shityou know i get it though i understand why gay people are mad and i empathize you know what i’m just telling you this as a black dude i support your movement but if you want to take some advice from a negro pace yourself these things take a while just ’cause they passed the law doesn’t mean they’re gonna like it brown v board of education was in somebody called me a nigger in traffic last wednesday it takes a minute my wife’s friend stewart told me that my wife has a lot of gay friends stewart’s their leader she has a lot of gay friends and i don’t like ’em not ’cause they’re gay i’m just judging them on the merits of their character they’re just not nice dudes they’re fucking rude houseguests they’re sitting on my couch giggling with my wife eating my motherfucking macaroons then i come in and they act like the party’s over “hey stewart what’s going on” this guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk “hi david” “stewart what’s all the beef man what’s going–” he always wants to have some kind of gay political argument the last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words “husband and wife” out of the law i said “why would you want those words out of the law” he said “because it discriminates against samesex couples” i was like “niggas please save me the semantics just trust me take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino you’re about to crap out just go outside talk that over amongst yourselves and whichever one of you is gayer that’s the wife” no no stewart didn’t like that stewart educates me about this movement i didn’t even know shit about it he told me it’s called “lbgtq” i was like “what the fuck is the ‘q’” does that even make sense “q” turns out “q” is like the vowels that shit is sometimes “y” it’s for gay dudes that don’t really know they’re gay like prison fags who are like “what i’m not gay nigga i’m just sucking these dicks to pass the time i’m not ‘g’ i’m ‘q’ ugh” i think– okay again of all those letters the “t” has the toughest road ahead in fact i think the “t” should stand for “tough road ahead” they’ve got the longest ment',\n",
       "  'al gap to bridge that’s all i’m saying because whenever i see one of them ts on the street i don’t mind them but i’ll be like “man i miss bruce” i’m sorry guys i’m  i remember bruce jenner before the kardashians before all that this motherfucker was a white american superhero it was amazing he was beating africans at track and field we’d never seen anything like it he was on my cereal box growing up you know how much of that cereal i ate nigga i didn’t know he was gonna do that i knew before you guys knew i heard things on the street in hollywood you’d just be out see people “hey what’s up kanye why the long face” “nigga you’ll see i got two motherinlaws now” and when i heard he was gonna do it i was scared i didn’t think the public was ready i didn’t think the media was ready and you know what i was wrong not only did the public embrace him but the media was nice i’d never seen anything like it “welcome to the world caitlyn so long bruce hello caitlyn” i was shocked is this happeningwait a minute is this a time in american history where an american can make a decision for themselves and even though other americans don’t understand it they’ll support it and let this person live a happy life is this what’s happening if it is then good for america that’s dave chappelle the american although dave chappelle the black american he was a little jealous i was like “how the fuck are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination olympics” if the police shot half as many transgenders as they did niggas last year there’d be a fucking war in la i know black dudes in brooklyn– hard street motherfuckers– that wear high heels just to feel safe transgenders are gangsters i used to do business with a transgender in hollywood man everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom she’d walk in there newlyminted woman high heels purse wouldn’t say anything to us just walk around the conference table looking mean and shit then she’d walk to the head of the conference table stare at us all reach in her purse pull her old dick out and throw it on the table “let’s talk business gentlemen” “aaah” shit is scary as fuck if your best friend pitched that to you you’d be horrified “yo nigga let’s go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make pussies out of them shits” “what can’t we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something you sure that’s what you want to do” “there’s only way to find out nigga wutang pow pow let’s go to the club and trick niggas into fucking us yeah” the third time i met oj simpson— the third time i met oj simpson i was doing great in life i’d just finished the second season of chappelle’s show man those were good days i was playing a comedy club in miami the improv i don’t know if you’ve ever been but if you have you’d know the door for the green room is right on the stage can you imagine such a thing if i walked out of the door of the green room bam i was right here right from the dressing room and i did that i walked out and the whole crowd was like “hooray” and i looked– ma’am as close as you are to me– i saw him as soon as i came out the juice and i saw recognition in his eyes and it filled me with pride that he knew who i was i didn’t acknowledge his presence because it was a white audience and i didn’t want to start a panic but i did my show the show went great i said “good night everyone” they all said “yay” and i didn’t say nothing to oj but i just gave him the signal to let him know i knew he was there and i walked into the green room and oj was already in there i was like “how the fuck is this possible” i was scared and then my friends came in and we all started talking we sat down on the couch and i’m just telling you what i saw with my own eyes you can believe me or not believe me but in my experience oj simpson– one of the nicest men i’d ever met he was nice to me he was nice to my friends the conversation was filled with warmth and levity humor and wisdom we talked for minutes and then suddenly the juice said “you know what i’ve got to be going but it’s good to see you again and i’m glad things went so well” i said “thanks juice” and my friends said “yeah goodbye mr juice” they were new to the game he said “no thank you… for your hospitality good night guys“ and we said “good night” and he just walked out of the room and as soon as the door closed we all looked at each other like “that nigga did that shit did you feel that i could feel like… murder in the room” well you young heads missed that shit you’re all too young you don’t remember that how old are you young man you twentyfour twentyfour ',\n",
       "  'you don’t know shit you don’t know shit you gotta google shit that i lived through see this is why i lock motherfuckers’ phones up seriously because the young kids you guys need to take a break from that– we all need to break just from that technology just for a minute you know i’m from a different time young man a dark time to you i’m from a time that i didn’t even used to know who was on the phone until i answered the shit like when tragedy used to strikei remember i was  years old and the teacher wheeled a television set into the classroom you remember these days and she turned it on to one of three channels and she said “class the space shuttle is taking off and we’re all gonna watch it take off” man that shit was going great for like three to five minutes that’s right you remember it fucking exploded right on television everybody on board dead immediately presumed dead it was so bad the teacher looked at all the kids and was like… “you can go home” it was a goddamn national tragedy this was cold war america the russians were laughing at us my point is for a guy your age wouldn’t even know the pain because in your generation it’s like the space shuttle blows up every fucking day how can you care about anything when you know every goddamn thing i’m getting over one cop shooting and then another one happens and then another one happens and another one happens i’m crying about paris and then brussels happens i can’t keep track of all this shit so you just give the fuck up that’s the hallmark of your generation and that’s fucked up because your generation lives in the most difficult time in human history this is the age of spin the age where nobody knows what the fuck they’re even looking at did you know that planned parenthood was for abortions it’s for people that don’t plan things out at all that’s right so a guy your age doesn’t really know how he feels are you prochoice are you anticonsequences what does it all really mean it’s easier not to care for you but for us we were trained to care we were raised that way i used to watch a fucking cartoon when i was growing up called care bears it was about a fucking group of teddybear people they were like teddy bears but they were like people and they were all different colors and they all fucking just walked around caring they cared about each other and everything else they all had different designs on their stomachs and the designs told you something about what they might be like inside very very loving group of beings and when shit got real bad as nice as those teddy bears were they didn’t get mean faces they got determined hmm and the leader would say “come on guys it’s time for the care bear stare” remember that shit and them little teddy bears would lock arms… and stare at the problem– and i’m not even bullshitting– actual love would shoot out of their chests… and would dispel anything that was fucked up and when we grew up we wanted to be like those bears and then we got our hearts broken because we found out that life wasn’t gonna let us do that and that it’s impossible to shoot love out of your chest however i have shot love onto somebody’s chest before i do it all the time it’s the next best thing you kids don’t know your generation is just determined to be angry mad everybody’s mad back when we were growing up only black people were mad now everybody’s just trying to get in on the act i try to think to myself “when did everyone get mad” and then i realize this happened before we were born this is a long way to go but… it probably started in the second world war think about it all these black men millions of black men leave the united states for the first time go over to europe with america’s armed forces and fight the nazis and make more money fighting nazis than they ever dreamed they would make in the united states and a lot of those men while they were in europe– just to be real not to be crass– a lot of them probably got their dicks sucked by white women i’m sorry ladies and gentlemen this was world war ii europe and these were desperate times and penises were being sucked for shoelaces and chocolate and very frivolous things and it’s very hard to come back to america and sit on the back of the bus after you’ve been in the south of france getting your dick sucked for a crunch bar or some crazy shit like that that’s a lifechanging experience and while that was happening in europe here in america for the first time women entered the workforce en masse by the millions all the men were gone someone had to run the factory the ladies did it that’s right this was the fi',\n",
       "  'rst generation of american women to have independent income en masse and when the men came back the women weren’t the same american women had grown they were uttering phrases that no woman on earth had ever spoken before things like “no” and “shut the fuck up” and “i don’t feel like it”and then behind the scenes of that there was a littleknown government agency that started testing mind control drugs on the american public they fucked up they tested it for  years they didn’t realize these drugs were not mindcontrolling they were mindexpanding it was lsd and mescaline and shit like that and for the first time there was a new school of thought that was chemically induced that made people question the very society they lived in by  the president of the united states was only  years old can you imagine dmx is older than that and he was gonna usher in a new era of peace he was gonna avoid the cold war he was gonna end segregation and they blew his fucking brains out in front of everyone in dallas this country was never the same there were seven more major assassinations in the ’ anyone that stood up and said anything was shot down in the streets like a fucking dog kennedy kennedy king x evers on and on you didn’t even have to be famous you could be a college student at kent state or in mississippi protesting the vietnam war and they shot them too the ’ were a wild era and while all this was going on… bill cosby raped  people holy shit that’s a lot of rapes man this guy’s putting up real numbers he’s like the steph curry of rape man that’s a lot of rapes fiftyfour if he had raped less people… that’s still two dozen rapes don’t forget each one of these rapes has eight hours of sleep in it ladies and gentlemen that’s over hours of rape it only takes hours to get a pilot’s license if rapes were aircrafts this nigga is top gun for sureyeah that’s a tough one and i was onstage not too long ago i was in syracuse new york yeah well yeah for syracuse but the show didn’t go so good… all because i was talking about bill cosby a little bit not a little bit i’ll be honest i talked about him for like minutes and a woman stood up in the back of the room and she screamed out “you are a fucking asshole for saying these things” “i know” instantly i felt bad not bad about what i was saying i just felt bad like “oh that’s too bad she doesn’t like the show” i didn’t realize it at first but not only did she say that she was rushing the stage by the time i saw her i just saw this shadowy figure fucking charging up the aisle towards me in full fight mode i was horrified i said “oh my god i’m gonna kick this bitch in the face” lucky for me i didn’t have to security tackled her but it was a really fucking horrifying scene a scuffle ensued and then finally she screamed out to me “women suffer” i said “i know” and ladies i need you to know… that i know i need you to know seriously there’s a lot of men in this room that identify themselves as feminists i would include myself in that don’t ever forget we all have mothers and daughters and sisters and wives and we want to see all these women do well and not be held back by their gender there’s a lot of men like that in this room there’s a lot of men like that in the world or as we are known on the streets bitchass niggas but as this woman was wrestling and screaming at me i started to take offense and i’ll be honest race was involved she was a young white woman wellintentioned but just not thinking it all the way through “bitch how the fuck are you going to yell at a black man about discrimination” she didn’t get it she just kept going “women suffer” “i know” “women suffer” “same team” “women suffer” “i know” and this is when she went too far “we suffer just like you” “slow your roll bitch you suffer yes but not like me not like us” she goes “suffering is suffering what’s the difference” i said “come on white woman you know what it is you was in on the heist you just don’t like your cut” you suffer i suffer you suffer i suffer that’s how it workscan’t do comparative suffering if you’re hungry and your friend says “you know people are starving in africa” “so what nigga i still want lunch” black people know about comparative suffering and you know that it’s a fucking deadend game blacks and jews do that shit to each other all the time you ever played who suffered more with a jewish person it’s a tough game whenever you think you’ve got the jewish guy on the ropes that motherfucker will be like “well don’t forget about egypt” “egypt god damn nigga i didn’t know we was going all the way back to egypt” what the fuc',\n",
       "  'k is wrong with her what does she think does she think that i don’t know that rape is wrong does she think that maybe i don’t have empathy for bill cosby’s alleged victims and i would be remiss if i didn’t remind you that technically these are all still allegations although i admit it looks very bad perhaps if she looked at it correctly she would have empathy for me the man she was attacking a  black comedianobviously bill cosby was a hero to me and she doesn’t know what it feels like to think that your hero might’ve done something so heinous my god you can’t imagine it’d be as if you heard that chocolate ice cream itself… had raped  people you’d say to yourself “oh man but i like chocolate ice cream i don’t want it to rape” didn’t want to believe it at first i didn’t believe it i said “these people are obviously trying to destroy dr cosby’s rich legacy” even  allegations into it i was still like “man… he probably only raped ten or  of those people” i know i know but it’s really tough you guys are young imagine if you found out  years from now that kevin hart raped  people you’d be like “oh my god” the only one that would believe that would be katt williams he’d be like “i knew that motherfucker was up to something i knew kevin had raped those people” you know i was mad at kevin too though you know why okay first of all i didn’t even know kevin was as successful as he was i found that shit out the hard way i was at home when my son busted in he said “dad i need ” he’s only years old so i freaked out “what’s going on nigga is somebody trying to kill you” he said “no no kevin hart’s coming to town and i wanted to see his show” i said “how much are the tickets” he said “they’re ” i said “god damn mine are only ” i said “why do you need  then” he goes “because i want to go with you dad please and there it is so i took him to the show and we go we sit right up front the lights go down and one opening act after another goes on then kevin takes the stage the crowd goes fucking nuts thousands of people i was furious the longer the show went on the madder i got because his show was fucking outstanding it was maddening these people were fucking holding their stomachs my son was slapping his knee i’m like “damn nigga i do this too” kevin says “good night” the crowd goes crazy and then everyone starts walking to his door and the lights come on and then my son is just standing there looking at an empty stage people are pushing past me and nobody’s recognizing me i’m like “man this place fucking sucks” i said “come on son let’s get out of here” then my son looks back at me and says “dad please please i have to meet him” i was like “oh my god” so i took him backstage i’ve known kevin for years but can you believe i was scared to knock on his dressing room door i almost said… “son i haven’t seen him for a long time” and one of kevin’s goons opened the door “hey what’s up dave chappelle what are you doing man it’s good to see you brother what are you doing in this area this is a terrible area” i’m like “actually i live around here listen… is kevin here my son just wanted to meet him real quick” “i don’t know ’cause kevin’s about to eat dinner” just then kevin came around the corner to see who it was “what oh shit what’s up dave come on back i was just about to have dinner i don’t know if you guys ate but you’re welcome to join me if you’d like” and then my son pushed passed me it was some cold shit he goes “actually mr hart we haven’t eaten in several hours” man kevin took us into his back room this guy had a fucking spread it was tuesday night this motherfucker was having sunday dinner there were steaks chops corn with butter all over it my son was eating all fast embarrassing me i was like “slow down son” he was like… then i looked over in the corner and there was a box of custommade jerseys for the local team each one was handstitched and on the back they stitched on “khart” on all of them kevin saw me staring at that box and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys and he walked right to my son he said “hey little man i want you to have this” and my son was like “thanks mr hart” this is when i got mad he goes “if your father ever makes you mad put that on” and he walked out oh that was some cold shit then i realized– i looked up what kevin made on google i couldn’t believe that shit kevin is the first comedian that a drake song could be about kevin could walk around his house and sing “all me” and the whole song would still be true “♪ got everything i got everything ♪ ♪ i cannot complain i cannot ♪ ♪ i don’t even know how much i real',\n",
       "  'ly made ♪ ♪ i forgot it’s a lot ♪ ♪ fuck that never mind what i got ♪” and his wife will be like “kevin come to bed” he’ll be like… “♪ ho shut the fuck up ♪ ♪ i got way too much– ♪” you know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up i have “quiet please” money at best i’d have to take a loan out for “shut the fuck up” “shut the fuck up–” that’s jay z money and beyoncé got “no you shut the fuck up” money let’s not forget let’s not forget i’ve never met bill cosby so i’m not defending him let’s just remember that he has a valuable legacy that i can’t just throw away i remember that he’s the first black man to ever win an emmy in television i also remember that he’s the first guy to make a cartoon with black characters where their lips and noses were drawn proportionately i remember that he had a television show that got numbers equivalent to the super bowl every thursday night and i remember that he partnered up with a clinical psychologist to make sure that there was not one negative image of africanamericans on his show i’m telling you that’s no small thing i’ve had a television show i wouldn’t have done that shit he gave tens of millions of dollars to africanamerican institutions of higher learning and is directly responsible for thousands of black kids going to college not just the ones he raped here comes the kicker you ready here’s the fact that i heard but haven’t confirmed i heard that when martin luther king stood on the steps of the lincoln memorial and said he had a dream he was speaking into a pa system that bill cosby paid for so you understand what i’m saying the point is this he rapes but he saves and he saves more than he rapes but he probably does rape thank you very much good night ♪ ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ wait wait wait wait wait i forgot the fourth time i met oj simpson the fourth time is not the funniest time but it was the last time i’d see the juice for some reason i was at the kentucky derby it’s a very long story this is right after i quit chappelle’s show in spectacular fashion there was a party hosted by michael jordan and every athlete i’ve ever admired was in that room yes and then i saw a familiar face by the bar standing there drinking alone it was chris tucker now… you have to remember at this time we were both technically missing and we went over and we’re talking with one another and motherfuckers were amazed to see us together seeing me and chris tucker at that point would be like seeing bigfoot riding a unicorn you wouldn’t believe that’s what you were seeing and then through all the gawkers a familiar face pushed through the crowd here he was again the juice he had his camera ready he was like “dave chris good to see you guys hey come on guys let’s all get together for a picture” and at the same time me and chris were like “no i can’t do that sorry juice my career is too flimsy to survive a picture with you” that’s the end good night ♪ ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ♪ ♪ revolution ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto… ♪ one last thing before you go i just wanted to acknowledge for the real comedy fans we can’t not acknowledge it we lost a fucking juggernaut in comedy this week so i’m just shouting out the family and friends of garry shandling much love to you guys my sincerest condolences and for the hiphop fans in the building… put two fingers up in the air for a tribe called quest and my man phife dawg may he rest in peace forever and ever thank you for that beautiful music good night everybody thank you twos up twos up hands up hands up twos up we’re gonna do this for phife i need everybody to rap with me right now ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ well i’m gone ♪ ♪ go on then ♪ ♪ can i kick it to my tribe that flows in layers ♪ ♪ right now phife is a poem sayer ♪ ♪ at times i’m a studio conveyor ♪ ♪ mr dinkins would you please be my mayor ♪ ♪ you’ll be doing us a really big favor ♪ ♪ boy this track really has a lot of flavor ♪ ♪ when it comes to rhythms quest is your savior ♪ ♪ follow us for the funky behavior ♪ ♪ make a note on the rhythm we gave ya ♪  ♪ feel free drop your pants check your hair ♪ ♪ do you like the garments that we wear ♪ ♪ i instruct you to be the obeyer ♪ ♪ a rhythm recipe that you’ll savor ♪ ♪ doesn’t matter if you’re minor or major ♪ ♪ yes the tribe of the game we’re the player ♪ ♪ as you inhale like a breath of fresh air ♪ i’m rich biatc'],\n",
       " ['  what’s up davis what’s up i’m home i had to bring it back here netflix said “where do you want to do the special la chicago new york” i was like “nah son davis california”  this has um… this has been a very good year for me i recently got married you guys thank you thank you thank you i need the claps it’s a very heavy ring very heavy it was a reverse lord of the rings situation i got a ring and then lost my powers which is a very different lord of the rings “listening compromise take the ring sam” the movie is done in eight minutes it’s not a  saga we just celebrated our oneyear anniversary so it’s one year down forever to go which is terrifying to say but you know what’s great now it’s just kind of liberating because i don’t give a fuck about any of my single friends i don’t care about any of you and it feels great because you guys are at home just swiping for love and complaining “oh how do you find people” “dimples off with his head” like a goddamn emperor “brunettes not for me” i’m like “you work at subway you don’t deserve so much choice” we’re getting soft you realize my parents physically never saw each other thirty years ago in a town in india population  – that’s a small town – my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named seema my mom and like seema was that chick you guys in ’ seema could get… look at that red langa killing it she was like the iphone  “have you heard of seema she’s slim her family owns a camera” my dad was like “a camera” so he runs to my grandfather’s house and lays it on the line “i’m going to america i want to marry seema yolo” in ten minutes the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on you understand that’s tinder with no photos  “i want that for the rest of my life i hope she has a good personality let’s move to the us where we’re the only people that know each other” i’m so grateful for that decision najmi marries question mark they come to the states i come out popping out of your mom is like real estate it’s all about location i popped out here anybody brown we popped out here we made it we’re the rappers that made it what’s wild is i never even knew how the whole xmen origins story went down it’s crazy because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us “dad your favorite color” “stanford” “what no” “no i want to know more about you” “why get into stanford”and i think it’s just that like immigrants love secrets right they love them they love bottling them up deep down and unleashing them on you later when it’s no longer relevant “mom’s a ninja dad’s a communist why are you telling me this right now” every conversation with my dad is like an m night shyamalan movie it’s just  minutes of buildup to no payoff  “that’s the ending”so my dad marries my mom they come to the states they have me in davis california but my mom has to go back to india to finish up med school so the first eight years it was just me and my dad just the two of us trying to make it in america minus all the unconditional love brown love is very conditional in the photo he’s like “you had better get all as” like let’s be real i grew up here like pioneer… i grew up here yeah  but davis was like super white kind of like tonight roll call was a problem it was a big deal for a lot of us – like what’s your name – jasura okay what would you get – jasuriah – jasuriah yeah i would get like “hanson minaja…” “sahan minha” “saddam hussein” it was my english teacher “i’m not saddam” – what’s your name – biju – what would you get – a blank stare a blank stare i’m the only brown kid at school dad is the only brown guy at work in a weird way that brings us together and we have to do everything together try to understand immigrant fathersi still can’t understand some of you there are uncles here none of you guys are smiling i don’t get it you’re going to die laugh why aren’t you laughing you’re always stressed and always tired you could wake up any immigrant father from a  nap and they’d say…  “why do i have to pay taxes” you’re like “jesus…” we’d do everything…i remember being in the grocery store and we’d be walking through the aisles and my dad would pick up yogurt “ah yogurt” or milk just like “ah” and i’d look at him and be like “oh man dad hates yogurt”  “he hates milk” but i get that look now life is tough and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing he has a little kid and i’m not making his life any easier i’m picking up soda and i’m like “ah” “don’t do that” “i’m going to live forever” then i would trip on my velcro shoes and i would drop the soda and it would explode and then my dad would do what most brown parents do he would check to see if the coast is clear… and he’d slap the shit out of me  i love it thank you thank you pockets were acknowledging that and for the liberal white guilt immigrants aren’t going to hit their children the way you do americans hit on the arm and bruise the body immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul it’s guantanamo of the mind and i know some of you guys are like “hey this is davis okay i listen to npr ira glass says children are our future” have you seen the show called the slap this is a real show on nbc ',\n",
       "  'this is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party are you fucking kidding thirteen episodes for this kid are you kidding me do you know when brown kids get slapped every brown birthday party and usually it’s the kid whose birthday it is and we stand there and point and laugh we go “ah biju got slapped on his birthday” and that’s what makes us tough and resilient it’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees slapping is important it elevates your gameyou ever seen an indian kid win a spelling bee incredible ice water in the veins  that kid won’t choke on camera he’s been slapped on camera – of course he can spell “knaidel” – knaidel look at that face nothing nothing he’s  years old nothing this kid just won  cash nothing people ask “where does that come from” look at this kid’s parents your son just won the scripps national spelling bee look at his brother his brother is like “i’m fucked i’m fucked the bar is way too high i should kill myself” people say “where’s bobby jindal from” that’s where he comes from that is an indian sociopath  i know what happens when i talk about this people say “your parents don’t love you” i think our parents love us we have great fathers i just think our fathers didn’t download all the great dad software there are just a few apps missing birthdays aren’t their thing every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the us… happy birthday starbucks wifi freeways happy birthday no more birthdays go be president at an interview this lady said “describe your earliest birthday memory” i was like “do i have to” so i’m six i’m turning seven my dad wakes me up super early in the morning “hasan get up get in the camry” the immigrant car of choice we get in the camry we’re driving from davis to sacramento there’s one mall in the entire area arden we get to this intersection and i look to my left and it’s the one place every kid dreams about toys ‘r’ us i was like “oh shit dad saw the toys ‘r’ us catalog on my wall he saw my vision board he saw the blue bmx bike i wanted he’s here to surprise me turn left turn left turn… left” then he turns right and i’m like “home depot no” i’m like “why are we here do you know what day it is” “it’s saturday” “no it’s my birthday did you forget” he’s like “hasan how could i forget that it’s your birthday that’s why i brought you here so you could pick the door handle for the bathroom”  and i was like “why don’t you have me pick out the toilet you are shitting on my dreams” i didn’t say that i would have gotten a slap i wanted to say that that’s when i realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents you’re going to fight with your parents and there’s a finite number of hands you can play you know about this not going to be a doctor that’s a hand marry a white girl boom that’s a big hand  i could have been like “dad fight me i want that bike” but i was like “hang on to your cards you’ll need them later” like i had vision as a sixyearold and my mom she would come and visit and just kill the mom game one year she came to school and brought me a ghostbusters proton pack the wheelie thing the backpack the gun that catches ghosts… literally shut pioneer down kids were losing their minds “what saddam hussein’s a ghostbuster” “yeah i’m a brown ghostbuster deal with it” one of the happiest days of my life but then she would go back to india that’s when i realized i don’t want a toy i just want my mom i want to be a family i was very emo i was like drake i missed that girl “when is she coming back i need her in my life i need her i need that girl i need that girl in my life i need her dad she used to call me on my phone” my dad’s like “when the visa comes through” “when the visa comes through” it’s a big deal i don’t care what anyone says it’s difficult to get in this country it’s not like a broken condom where you’re like “i’m in”  eight years august   i’m so excited i put on my ghostbusters proton pack i’m standing there dad goes “put on indian clothes” i’m like “alright i can be an indian ghostbuster” i put on a salwar kameez i’m standing there door opens dad walks through mom walks through and then immediately behind my mom is this little brown girl with a mushroom cut she runs up to me and hugs me “hasan bhai” and i’m in full hoverhands mode because i have no idea who this person is what happened was my dad would go back and forth to india to visit my mom and during one trip he knocked her up  and i had a sister but no one told me about it  remember how i told you that immigrants love secrets this is a secret that nobody told me he says “hug her” “you brought her out like maury for immigrants” “hasan you are the brother” i’m like “no no” she was breakdancing and i’m like “who the fuck are you” “you don’t know me” “i’ve no idea who you are” i hated that brown girl so much i was like “build that wall” i was like a little republican i was like “i get it” i remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table “look mom dad let’s just be real oh my god these brown people… oh jeez coming into our house… eating our fruit rollups… they don’t speak the language… i say we tell them to go back where',\n",
       "  ' they came from” he’s like “you can’t say that we’re family” i’m like “no that’s on you and mom you guys decided to get your angelina jolie on and bring over this fob that’s on you that’s not on me” why do you do this to your daughters every single brown mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress chop cuts why princess from here down toad from here up i’ve got this shit following me around on the playground “hasan bhai” i’m like “yo kick rocks” i go play tetherball “hasan bhai” “get lost” eventually i run to the boys’ bathroom she follows me into the bathroom “hasan bhai” all the kids at the urinal are like “uh what’s hasanbye” i went to school with a bunch of ryan lochtes just all traps  “uh i don’t understand other cultures bro what is that what does it mean” it’s a term of endearment in my culture meaning “brother” “shut up cody” i took that anger and channeled it at her i was like “hey you’re not my sister”  but she couldn’t understand english  but she got what i was saying she starts crying and runs out i was like “no she’s going to tell dad” let’s focus on what’s important here but she didn’t and my dad… it was her first birthday in the us she was turning five so for her first birthday he wanted it to be special i can imagine being a father missing your daughter’s first steps her first time saying “dada…” that’s a hard thing so for her birthday he brings everyone into the living room he drags in this big box and goes “aisha open the box” she cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps and i see “toys ‘r’ us” emblazoned on one of the flaps and he reaches in and pulls out a beautiful blue bmx bike  “here you go aisha” he looks at me “happy birthday”  savage right i’m livid i’m like “yo when did home depot dad become danny tanner this is bullshit really” i’m livid and aisha senses it she’s like “hasan bhai why don’t you take it out” and as an elder brother i felt entitled to that bike “that’s my bike thank you” younger siblings you guys are worthless you bring nothing to the table i see you getting mad “hell no i have a personality” where do you think you got that from dummy us clothes culture money “whoa i have opinions” no you don’t and then you have the audacity to be like “hey why are you so melodramatic” because i went to war for you mom and dad was my vietnam and you’re like “everybody loves me” it’s such bullshit right elder siblings we walk through the world like “do people love me” and you’re like “mom and dad fucked up with you not with me”  she’s like “take it for one lap around the block”  i grab those handlebars i’m like “fuck that noise” boom i take off she’s like “hasan bhai come back” i’m like “eat my dust immigrant” i’m flying i see a curb i’m about to pop a wheelie the bike goes left i go right and that beautiful blue bmx bike… bam it crashes into the cement all the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike i pick it up and it’s destroyed i hear the patter of her chappals she’s crying “hasan bhai why would you do this” animé tears of innocence “why i gave you the first ride” and i’m looking down at her and i’m like “man… i’m being a dick” like this whole time i was looking for acceptance from cody corey and cole…  and i had it right here this entire time i’m supposed to be her big brother help her navigate the american dream and protect her and i’m out here stealing her bike this is fucked up and aisha hates that story she’s always like “oh my god you are so melodramatic you make me sound like a refugee baby” that’s true i’m doing that right now it’s not fair because she’s not a refugee and like she learned english she went to an ivy league law school she does mergers and acquisitions now she is the one percent meanwhile i… i didn’t go to grad school i became a comedian this is what i do and then when it came time for me to get married i got married to a girl from a hindu family i heard an audible “oh” alright fuck i heard you go like “ugh” i didn’t punch you damnso some of you guys don’t know hindus and muslims are like the montagues and capulets of india we’ve been warring for centuries you’re like “what’s the difference you look the same” so how do i explain this hindus and muslims so hindus… hindus don’t eat beef “no beef” right and muslims we don’t eat pork “is that pepperoni pizza no no pepperoni” and then hindus they like statues they’re like “oh this is a statue of an elephant i’m going to put this in my car”  muslims are like “no statues calligraphy we’re about the alphabet we put that in our car we’re different” and then hindus they like cartoons they’re like “oh this is a cartoon ganesh i’ll just put this on the wall” and muslims… we don’t really uh like cartoons we’ve got to get better about our cartoon policy because of this we’ve been killing each other for centuries and i know the older generation doesn’t like those jokes “pakistan was created because of this reason” i know but… i convinced my dad “dad i love her she loves me isn’t there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race color creed class this is america we can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland isn’t life like biryani where you push the weird shit to the side ',\n",
       "  'why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there he agrees he’s like “that’s a good point fine you should get married” that’s a hall of fame brown dad decision there’s brown dads here like “if my son did that i would shoot myself and then shoot him” he says yes we rally the troops me mom dad aisha we get in the camry we’re driving to my fiancée’s house and we’re about to pull up and we get to the door and my dad is about to ring the doorbell when he says the sentence that is the killer of every brown kid’s dream he goes “i don’t think we should do this log kya kahenge  “what will people think” i don’t know if you know but every time a brown father says log kya kahenge a star actually falls from the sky  “i don’t want to be a doctor” “log kya kahenge” no “i don’t want to marry” “log kya kahenge” why i bet you when mahatma gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate india even they were like “log kya kahenge “stop marching the british are going to talk shit about us why are you bald and skinny you’re never going to get married” and i’m standing there… on that doorstep  wait i’m standing there… on that doorstep like “wait you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge come on dad how many times do we complain about racism in our community all the time now the ball is in our court we’re going to be bigoted dad i promise you god doesn’t like bigotry god’s not like ‘you’re racist good job’ no number two you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle i’m never going to see you want me to change my life for naila aunty fuck naila aunty are you fucking kidding me my life” but i can’t say that because i’ve played all my cards so i can’t say anything now i’m losing hope i’m like “maybe this is bigger than me why can’t i put my head down and do what i’m supposed to do this ain’t jodhaa akbar” have you ever been trapped by the time you live in it’s been going on for centuries so i’m walking back to the camry then i hear a voice behind me “oh my god you guys do this all the time” and it is aisha and she is pissed and she’s like “dad i did not fly out from philly for this”  “beena is so legit she has a phd hasan bhai is a comedian”  “no one is going to marry him get him married before she changes her mind” she stepped up she laid down one of her cards for me she phil jacksoned that situation she got all these people working together because of her i got to marry the love of my life because of my sister i can’t believe it  for years i resented that brown girl i hated her but on that day on that special day i couldn’t have been more proud to be her hasan bhai     you know they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy and it’s wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone  they won’t get it dude you’ll never get it you don’t get it man you won’t that was our world war i man especially in middle school if a girl called the house you had to pick up the phone before your parents we used to have landlines it’s like phones connected to the land and one time in middle school a girl called the house my dad picked it up before me “hello who is this” “hi it’s alice is hasan there” “what you want alice” i was like “i’m going to die a virgin” “i’m in geometry with hasan i had a question can i ask him the question” he’s like “okay alice why don’t you ask me the question then i’ll ask hasan” that’s the way our parents are ages zero through  “no girls” at  “why can’t you talk to girls” that’s basically it “ah you kill me”  that’s the way our parents are right our parents are like a firewall to the outside world they disseminate information to us it’s like living in north korea my dad is the leader of the household so when  happened i was in high school my dad sits everybody down he’s like “hasan whatever you do do not tell people you’re muslim or talk about politics” “alright dad i’ll just hide it this just rubs off” we’re sitting there phone rings i run but my dad beats me to the phone “hello” i grab the second phone i hear a voice “hey you sand nigger where’s osama”  he looks at me “you can hear me right you fucking dune coon where’s osama” “hey  regatta lane that’s where you live right i’m going to fucking kill you” click and my dad’s looking at me do you ever see your parents and you see the mortality in them i’m looking at my dad and i see all fiveseven of him and that’s when i realize i’m a darapok i’m a scaredycat we can speak two languages we can speak at home and outside i should have said something i didn’t we sit down i hear “thud thud thud” outside me and dad run outside and all the windows on the camry are smashed in my backpack’s open “fuck they stole my stuff” i reach and i pull out my backpack pieces of glass get caught in my arm now blood is gushing down my arm and i’m pissed i’m fucking mad fuck this man these kids know where we live they’re timing this so they’re watching us so i’m looking in the trees the bushes… i look back in the middle of the street my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he',\n",
       "  ' works at a barbershop “we’ve got customers log kya kahenge we’ve got to clean this up” zen brown mr miyagi just like not saying a word i’m like “why aren’t you saying something i’m asking you say something” he looks at me and goes “hasan…”   “these things happen and these things will continue to happen that’s the price we pay for being here” that’s when i was like “we really are from two different generations” bmx bikes aside my dad’s from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country you pay the american dream tax you endure racism and if it doesn’t cost you your life pay it there you go uncle sam but for me i was born here so i actually have the audacity of equality i’m like “i’m in honors gov i have it right here life liberty pursuit of happiness all men created equal” it says it right here i’m equal i’m equal i don’t deserve this  but as soon as i say that… he looks at me like i believe in santa “hasan you’ll never understand” “i’ll never understand dad you’re the guy that will argue with the cashier at costco when he doesn’t let you return used underwear and now you want to be the bigger man now you’re like ‘let’s be reasonable with the bigots’ what” and then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet and i honestly don’t know who is more right maybe he’s right put your head down be a doctor get a house in the burbs let them call them whatever you want but isn’t it our job to push the needle forward little by little isn’t that how all this stuff happens i don’t know the pendulum swings back and forth for me and i know  is a super touchy subject i understand because when it happened everyone in america felt like their country was under attack but on that night september  it was the first night of so many nights where my family’s loyalty to this country was under attack and it always sucks as immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism we’re auditioning “we love this country please believe me” nobody loves this country more than us i fell in love here six years old janice malo i saw her in the sandbox i run up to her first grade “i love you” “you’re the color of poop” that’s memory number one the first time you experience racism i was like “what oh no it’s not rubbing off” i was fucking terrified it was like inception there were so many levels i just wanted to wake up and be like “oh it was all a dream i’m jgl it was all a dream” but it’s not a dream it’s the universe telling you “it’s a fair and lovely world navigate accordingly” in the third grade miss anderson said “write what you want to be” some kids were like “an astronaut” or “a firefighter” i was like “i want to be white”  “what do you mean” “i want this part of my skin to be all of my skin” and it wasn’t like “i hate melanin” i love melanin i’ve never gotten a sunburn i’m blessed  but when you’re white and you’re playing the video game of life and your avatar is white you just get asked less questions along the way you pop out boom “i want to be batman” “well of course batman is white duh” “i want to be president” “duh fortyfourandahalf presidents are white we’ve had a great track record” and i know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people i know you guys have problems i’ve seen girls  my dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff his rules with me were very simple “no fun no girlfriends have fun in med school” which is a huge lie it never gets popping in med school i’ve never been to a club and seen nine dudes “yo what’s going on” “what’s going on residency fam” never happens “i got a career i hate from my parents” it’s a lie we buy into it so by my senior year of high school i had yet to go to a school dance i had been cut from the basketball team and i had just got off this medicine called accutane so my skin and face was peeling i’m crushing life out here killing it no one did that don’t clap no one did that for that photo no one ever did that at my school it’s too late but there was one bright spot this girl named bethany reed and her family had just moved from nebraska to davis and we were in ap calc together but… we had chemistry she sat behind me first day she’s like “hey… what’s your aim screen name”  i was like “it’s about to go down do you want it i could give it to you” whatever i lacked in reallife game my digital game… bananas status updates away messages sub profile boyz ii men don’t say you don’t like “water runs dry” i was a lover late at night on aim back and forth back and forth… you guys don’t know this some of you guys are just in college snapchatting back in the day we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen you know what i mean   if someone picked up the phone “hey get off the phone i’m trying to talk to somebody” that’s how we would communicate late at night back and forth back and forth one night she was like “hey come over” i bike over to her place white picket fence mcmansion ford expedition eddie bauer edition  “oh they made it” mrs reed opens the door her father is this successful retired judge mrs reed’s like “you want brownies” “yeah cool” “hey stay for dinner” “we just had brownies but okay” we’re',\n",
       "  ' sitting there at the dinner table and now mrs reed’s like “hey honey we know so much about bethany but we don’t know anything about you what do you like what are you into” i was like “what”  “what do i like um… nobody… nobody has ever asked me that before”  “i guess i like acoustic guitar” “you should do that you should follow your dreams”  “maybe i will maybe i will follow my dreams” then bethany’s like “hey we always study at my house why don’t we study at your house” i was like “i’ve got to go” what invite you over to my house you walk in “what language are you guys speaking what’s that smell” i’m not going to open myself up to that but i was like “no she’s different” i hit her up late at night “mom dad a school friend is coming over everyone here please be normal” my dad is like “we are normal” killing me you know what i mean “hasan we’re normal be proud you should be proud” who is proud no one is you’re walking around like a rooster i’m not proud and no one is proud we get there we’re sitting on my living room table my mom and dad are arguing in hindi my mom is frying pakoras the fobbiest thing ever kabhi khushi kabhie gham is playing on zee tv but it’s too much it’s all coming at this girl it’s too much you’ve got to ease your way in she’s from nebraska soul cycle yoga then zee tv don’t just like go into it so i’m looking at her like “don’t say anything please don’t say anything” she looks up from her book and she’s like “you know what this is really nice we should do this more often this is really nice” and i look at her and i’m like “oh my god i love you my white princess”  “you see me i don’t got to change who i am i can be me” so i’m going back and forth her house my house one night we’re on the living room table we’re doing integrals  she closes her book she’s like “hey it’s late” and i’m like “it is late” and she’s like… “i should go home” i was like “yeah you should…” why did you say that that was your chance don’t do that i said “wait let me walk you out” so i’m walking her out she gets in the car i’m about to close the door she rams her arm into the door leans out and gives me a kiss “i love you” drives off into the night like a fucking g because she knew the rules she knew the rules no fun no friends no girlfriends all we had was that stolen moment in my driveway you guys are like “i was getting handjobs when i was nine” not me not this guy not you not you not you not us i was like “are we getting married i have to change my pants we are definitely getting married when is the shaadi”  now my ap calc class was a group of overachievers and my calc teacher mr pendleton wanted us to live lives outside of school so one day he gets up in front of the entire class “alright you guys are all killing it academically but i want you to know there is more to life than just getting into uc berkeley” one kid was like “i know getting into stanford” he’s like “no you have to live a life worth talking about which is why i’m making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom” i’m like “all  of us we’re all going to prom ap calc us me jehovah’s witness girl korean exchange students going to the prom thirty for  all of us” i’m laughing so hard i’m crying he’s like “hanson this is not funny” he walks over to the board he pulls it down it’s a bracket with everybody’s name on it leading up to the big dance it’s march madness for nerds i’m like “whatever it’s not going to happen he can’t do this” weeks go by kids start getting dates three days before prom he walks to the board last two names hasan minhaj bethany reed the class goes nuts they’re like “oh they’re going to fuck” “no we’re not are we no no we’re not” i look at her “please don’t say anything” she says nothing like a g  bell rings i’m walking to my locker i hear footsteps she’s like “wait up” i was like “what’s up” “oh that was crazy back there what are the chances” she’s like “listen you know ever since my family moved from nebraska you’ve been my best friend and you’re really special to me this year wouldn’t be the same without you so i was wondering will you go to prom with me”  i was like “yes my white princess” as soon as i said that i was like “no” i had bitten off more than i could chew “no wait you’ve got cards to play you’re good you’re a good kid also remember parents respect honesty you’ve seen this on tv if you go home and are honest your parents will be like ‘even though i disagree with you i respect your candor therefore i will grant your wish” i ran home i was like “dad i would like to go to prom”  which means “i will break your face” “duly noted father” “bethany situation at home father doesn’t want us to go to prom i’m going to sneak out i live on the second story i’m going to jump off and land on my bike i’ll bike to your place we dance it up and if i die i had a great run” you know you’re going to die so put it on the tombstone “hasan minhaj  gpa kissed a white girl” what an amazing way to go the night of prom rolls around i put on the jc penney suit spray on the michael jordan cologne six puffs one for each championship you don’t want to overkill it with the mj cologne don’t be tacky i’m scaling down the side ',\n",
       "  'of my roof scraping my knees i jump off the roof it’s like  feet i jump off i somehow land i get on my bike it’s beautiful the sun is setting it’s one of those gorgeous evenings and i’m biking with my knees bowed out so my slacks don’t get caught up in the chains fast enough to get there but slow enough to not get pit stains i’m balancing the corsage  “alright go go you’re good you’re getting there”  i get to her house i park my bike i’m walking up to the doorstep and i’m about to ring the doorbell when i’m like “wait  second timeout do you understand what’s about to go down you’re about to go to prom with bethany motherfucking reed”  “this is the american dream this is what dad fought for” dingdong mrs reed opens the door she has this look of concern and i look over her shoulder and i see jeff burke putting a corsage on bethany’s wrist  and she’s like “oh my god honey did bethany not tell you sweetie we love you we think you’re great we love that you come over and study but tonight is one of those nights… we have a lot of family back home in nebraska and we’re going to be taking photos so we don’t think you’d be a good fit do you need a ride home mr reed can give you a ride home” and i was like “no i have my bike” and i just biked home and played mario kart that’s the nicest i’ve ever been dressed playing mario kart  i wish i had said “fuck that i’m going to the dance” i didn’t the sad part is i felt bad for being there who was i to ruin their pictureperfect celebration you’ve seen movies how many times do you see that on screen and it’s not like they were yokels yelling “sand nigger” i could let that pass i’d eaten off their plates kissed their daughter i didn’t know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you it’s hard when you see people saying they love you but they’re afraid at the same time and i didn’t know what that meant  then the following monday during first period she finds me she’s like “everybody has been asking why we didn’t go please don’t say anything it’s a generational thing please don’t say anything” and i look at her second period rolls around like clockwork mr pendleton’s like “so lovebirds what happened everybody’s wondering” so i’m like “yeah what happened” looking at her she just looks down now everybody’s looking at me so i’ve got to improvise i was like “yeah you know i decided not to go i mean dances are overrated they’re a cliché i decided not to go” everybody in the class looked at me “wow you dick” “you stood up the new girl thank god jeff took her you’re a dick” that’s the last time we ever spoke and you know time has passed and i don’t really think about that day i mean i did write a show about it but…  like a lot of people…   you move on to different chapters of your life you have selective memory you’re in college tools clear history out of college tools clear history never did that married tools clear history never happened second marriage tools clear history never happened but for the most part i actually think about it the way my dad does “oh you couldn’t go to prom with a white girl who gives a fuck at least your spine isn’t getting shattered in a police wagon though it’s happening to africanamericans to this day so this is a tax you have to pay i’ll pay it ‘i can’t date your daughter’ i don’t give a fuck uncle sam take it” but then i realized wait hold on why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death for us to talk about this a kid has to get shot  times for us to be like “maybe we have a race problem” for every trayvon martin or ahmed the clock kid there is bigotry that happens every day because we’re too afraid of the other someone who’s not in our tribe i wish i could tell  me “hey man don’t let this experience define you it’s good people and bad people irrespective of creed class color find those people because love is bigger than fear” i wish i could tell him that i really believe that  i really believe love is bigger than fear fox news has taught me that fox news is incredible i’ve never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color it is amazing and fox news is in new york they’re in new york daily show fox news five avenues away from each other that’s it professor x magneto that close every day i walk past their building during lunch i’ll see all the employees hannity coulter o’reilly leave their building cross the street walk past me and line up for halal chicken and rice i’m like “uh… racist randy wants that red sauce” your brain can be racist but your body will just betray you i love that so much all morning they’re like “mexicans all lives matter arabs…  shwarma time” i love that so much and i wish i could tell  me that but i can’t i don’t have a time machine i can’t tell him that you know what the shitty part is when you first fall in love you get that first taste of the heisenberg blue it’s never the same after that people here with girlfriends are like “babe it’s different with you” you’re lying and that’s okay but we had those first secrets my secret was “i want to be a comedian” she said “i want to be a journalist” we promised we would follow our dreams no matter what people would think so i st',\n",
       "  'arted doing comedy i wasn’t very good two years three years four years six years seven years… i finally get a chance to headline a comedy club it’s a big deal for me gotham comedy club new york city i did what a lot of early comedians do i got on facebook i got super cocky i was like “yo facebook your boy headlining gotham comedy club let me know if you want some tix” all caps like relax i sent it i was like “i’m a headliner let’s go to the airport la chicago nashville new york… i’m flying southwest i was like “i made it oh hello la quinta inn don’t mind if i do free wifi why not let’s see what the internet is saying about me i open up my laptop fire up facebook and i see this “hey um long time no see you’re doing comedy now so cool listen me and my girlfriends live in manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix” question mark okay    i don’t know if you know what this means but you know if life gives you lemons sometimes you’ve got to make “revenge lemonade” sprinkle in a little irony reply son reply “bethany comma enter totally remember you long time no see indeed”  “seven years a lot of time listen i would love to give you some tix but we’re going to be taking a lot of photos tonight…  and i don’t think you’d be a good fit” send that shit send that shit right now send that shit right now i jump on stage i run to the club jump on stage… i don’t even know what i said i was like “fuck that goodnight” boom i go to the airport we go from new york chicago to nashville to la i pick up my toyota camry lmotherfuckinge don’t you ever forget about it cloth interior for life whipping through the streets of la “hello headliner what do you need” “hasan bhai dad had a heart attack hey… idiot pick up your phone i need you dad had a heart attack” my dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass so they’re rushing him to the hospital aisha goes “come home now” i was like “i got a set at the comedy store i’m going to do that then i’ll come home” and i did a set at the comedy store and then i drove home and i don’t know why… i get to kaiser and run upstairs my mom and my sisters are crying my sister looks at me she’s like “they don’t know what you did i do” doctor sees me “are you his son” “yeah” “you’re over  sign this” i sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad the surgery is that risky i’m signing this piece of paper and looking at him and i feel like i’m signing a death certificate his body temperature is so low that he looks blue they wheel him into surgery and i hand the clipboard to the doctor i look at my dad like “if this is the last time i see my dad… i’m saying goodbye to a person i barely even know” and i’m waiting hoping that he comes out of surgery okay and somehow he makes it through we’re in the hospital i have to tell him stories so i’m telling him stories about my life he’s telling me stories about his so i tell him the prom story he goes “hasan i’m mad at you” “i know i kissed a girl i’ll never do it again”  he goes “no… why don’t you forgive bethany”  he wanted to be the bigger person again i was like “why” “you know when i emigrated to this country in  i thought if i let you go to a school dance you would join a gang get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer in one night i wanted to protect you her family saw stuff about us they wanted to protect their daughter everybody’s afraid of everybody but hasan…”   “hasan you have to be brave your courage to do what’s right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt so hasan be brave hasan be brave” it’s a very beautiful poem i think about it all the time and look there are some days where i can forgive that person the past is the past tools clear history it’s done other days “no fuck that this is house of cards crush our enemies” i didn’t know how to feel until this pizza hut new big pizza sliders are here get nine in a box for just ten bucks ten bucks match up to three ways three cheese big delicious sliders only at your pizza hut and that’s how you make it great alright so… so this airs during march madness everyone sees it the night this airs friends send me text messages “hey man by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks”  “nine” “is it true you can mix and match up to three ways”  “yes three yes” a buddy of mine sends me this screengrab “just saw my high school prom date in a pizza hut ad” throwback it’s a small world brilliant to which i reply “we didn’t end up going though how’ve you been” mrp calc to which she replies “i know made for a better tweet though let me know when you’re in new york” to which i reply “absofuckinglutely” now against the advice of my therapist i go on facebook because she has a public profile so i start clicking around “bethany reed” okay “lives in manhattan” duh we knew that “in a relationship with…” i click it  “rajesh… rengatramanajanana…” she is dating an indian dude and this dude is indian as fuck look at his name look at how big his name is it’s so big it barely fits in his facebook profile so big ten syllables rajesh rengatramanajananam are you kidding me how many letters are in the alphabet how many lett',\n",
       "  'ers in the alphabet  letters in the alphabet right how many letters are in rajesh rengatramanajananam  that’s one less letter than the entire alphabet come on how easy is my name hasan minhaj so easy she was like “fuck that give me the rajesh rengatramana… motherfuckingjananam” like “no” god is laughing at me god is laughing at me now against the advice of my therapist… i make contact she’s like “do not make contact” i’m like “tell me what i want to hear” “need closure go for it” “see you next week” therapy is bullshit “bethany i’ve got a gig in new york next week i would love to meet up” she’s like “yeah let’s meet up” and i go from la to new york direct flight pizza hut money i’m walking through new york i’m livid i’m pissed how is this possible how is this possible rajesh rengatramana… how does she make love “oh my god rajesh rengatramanajananam give it to me right now rajesh rengatramanajananam i want you so bad put your rajesh in my rengatramanajananam” i was like “stop it stop imagining her having sex with rajesh rengatramanajananam you’ve got leverage walk in there be cool walk in there be confident be like this dude walk in there and just own it be like this be like this”   “what’s up” do that with this and then lick the lips and go “what’s up” i’m practicing it i get to the door open the door then i hear “hey hasan” she’s sitting outside she saw me doing this shit in the street  i was like “oh hey what’s up is someone sitting there cool” i just walk up and i’m like “alright yeah i’ll just sit here cool” i’m sitting there when you see someone from your past all of a sudden you’re that age again so all that kanye juice just goes out of my body i can’t say anything it’s like the adults in charlie brown i can’t say anything  minutes  minutes  minutes “dude are you going to be a darapok again say something” she starts talking about rent control and i cut her off “bethany do you know why i’m here i’m here to talk about prom”  and her face went white you guys knew she was white right it went whiter than white and i was like “you knew my situation you knew it i was ride or die for you at that age that’s a lot you weren’t the same for me fine whatever but what makes matters worse is you had me socially crucified in front of everybody you knew how hard it was for me and then i was so insecure at that age that i couldn’t date another white person because i was afraid of not being able to be with them because of the color of my skin do you know what that’s like and now i’m trying to pursue my dreams i’m trying but now you’re writing about me you act like we’re cool when we’re not why do you do that” and she was like “i am so sorry but you know we were  right like i really wanted to go with you but my mom she’s very controlling do you know what it’s like to have a parent that controls your life” “no i don’t what is that like do tell i would love to hear that story”  “tell me more” what she’s like “i wish i could have gone with you but i can’t change the past i never thought you would want to talk to me ever again but the reason why i write about you is because i see you kept your promise so even if you never want to talk to me ever again i’ll always be rooting for you” you know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past “they did this to me fuck them” damn them in that moment i let it go i crushed it like a voldemort horcrux   but i had to ask her the question that we’re all thinking  “what about mr rengatramanajananam” she’s like “i hit it off with this guy we decide to move in together i needed money for a deposit so i called my mom” “what did your mom say” “my mom was like ‘no you know the way our family is so make up your mind” and i was like “what did you say” and she’s like “i told my mom ‘not again this isn’t high school raj is a good person and so am i so i’m going to be with him because it’s right i hope you make up your mind” and i’m looking at her and i’m so embarrassed i’m like “dude what are you doing why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho  you’re not liam neeson what is going on” i realized “you don’t give a shit about this person” i care about what she represents growing up we just want that cosign to tell them you’re good enough “sit here you’re good enough” but that’s not the american dream it’s not asking for a cosign it’s what every generation did before you you claim that shit on your own terms pizza hut pizza sliders nine in a box for just ten bucks that’s you you’re not hasan minhaj you’re “hussan minhajj” this is new brown america the dream is for you to take so take that shit stop blaming other people now i’m standing outside the restaurant and i can’t even concentrate because i know she’s more evolved than me she’s like “next time me you and raj should hang out” i’m like “yeah let’s not do that” and i’m walking to the subway station but i take one last look at the restaurant just to see her one last time to know that generational change is possible with one choice i turn around and i look but she’s gone and i never saw her again i did keep my promise though you know i kept doing comedy i never knew… i never knew if i would do anythi',\n",
       "  'ng more than pizza hut you know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on “let’s move on to aisha” one day i get an email from my manager “want to audition for the daily show” that’s not a question that’s a statement “hey audition for the daily show” i submit a tape i get a call “jon stewart saw your tape come to new york they want you to audition but but… you have to write another original piece can you write another” “no i can’t i’m not larry david i can’t do seinfeld and curb i’m a mere mortal” i’m walking back and forth in my shitty onebed apartment like “i’m going to die here” and it’s amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most like changing the oil on your car “oh  miles racism”so i’m watching the show real time with bill maher have you guys seen real time with bill maher you know bill’s demeanor “hey do you believe in god you’re a fucking idiot” and everyone’s like “oh the atheist prophet speaks” so this clip went viral him and ben affleck bill maher is like “these muslims  percent of them hate our freedom we’ve got to round them up we’ve got to contain them” and ben affleck’s like “are you crazy round them up contain them dude we did that to the japanese you can’t do that am i crazy” and i was like “no you’re not crazy you’re my white prince”  don’t you realize what happened in that moment we got our first alist celebrity to back the muslim community we got batman baby “he may not be the hero we want but he is the hero the muslim world needs” “batman versus bill maher” i write the piece go to new york you get it right the producer answers the door “audition with me when you’re ready jon will come down run it with me” we’re walking down the hallway and i see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me steve carell john oliver sam bee jason jones ed helms steven colbert… and me keema roti me you know we don’t end up this far you know the way it is middle management till we die we’re not on that stage ever i walk in and i see that daily show globe i can’t tell you how blue it is and now i’m sweating through my suit the producer is like “we’ll run it a few times” and i sit down and i get to the desk sitting presidents have sat on that desk i sit down and we’re running it and i’m nervous he goes “hey man just slow down alright” we run it a second time now i’m stuttering and he goes “hey man relax you’re funny” which is a telltale sign of being like “hey man you’re not funny you shouldn’t relax” and i can feel it i’m choking we’ve all been there everyone’s “how did it go” you’re like “positive thoughts” no it’s not happening you’re not you are choking mcat dat you’re going to the caribbean it’s a wrap you choked right too real it’s real we’ve all been there and i can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt i’m really nervous i’m pooping my pants i’m like “no” then i hear…  i know that voice it’s jewish yoda it’s jon he’s walking through the tunnel where the guests come so he’s just backlit so i just see a giant shadow walking towards me and i hear his accomplishments at each step “boom i am jon stewart boom twentytwotime emmyawardwinning jon stewart boom i redefined political satire and comedy what have you done” i’m like “have you heard of pizza hut”   then he steps into the light and he’s shorter than i thought and he has all this scruff on his face and i look at him and i’m like… “dad” he had jewish najmi vibes he shakes my hand i could feel it like he’d slapped me in a previous life i was like “i know this hand” he starts riffing i start riffing the prompter guy “what are you doing” “i got this” i had it all memorized one shot eight mile and i stuck my landing like a russian gymnast “thank you for the opportunity” i tucked that turtle head back in my butt “we’re going home” i walk out the door but then i hear a voice “hey man where are you going” and it’s jon i was like “oh i live in la i’ve got to go back to la” “well i’ll see you monday right” i was like “why” “well you work here so i’ll see you monday right”  i couldn’t believe it i was like “oscar speech go say what you got to say” what i wanted to say was “jon this is one of the only things that i’ve gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows”  “so thank you” but what i said was “jon my dad… knows you” he’s like “yeah i’m sure he does” i pinch myself “you’re hasan minhaj you’re going to be on the daily show” i run outside i call my girl she’s crying i call my mom she’s crying i call my dad he says “good job” “what ‘good job’ say it again i can’t hear you dad say it” a car almost hits me i’m like “no i can’t die i’ve got to drop the greatest status update” i run upstairs open my laptop fire up facebook and then i see this   you guys see this right  don’t you know what this means don’t you get it i’m the cure for racism  i cured it alright maybe i didn’t cure it but everyone has a purpose some people were put here to find a cure for cancer or find a vaccine for ebola my life is definitive proof that once you go brown you’ve got to lock that shit down  thank you thank you good night be well god bless i love you guys i love you guys good night i lov'],\n",
       " ['   ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage mr jim jefferies  hello sit down sit down sit down sit down sit down  thank you boston i appreciate that  uh that’s very sweet of you  love you i’m at the end of the tour right now i’m very happy to be on tour because i now have a child ah so… any time out of home is good for me um i got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for two months so…  thank you thank you life decisions and she’s a nice girl and i love her in a way sure my problem with my girlfriend is she’s very sweet but she’s shit at telling stories and i’m awesome at telling stories so it really bothers me when she talks and i don’t know if that’ll be a problem in the future but it’s a problem now and i don’t see it getting better um… i’ll give you an example right i was in the car and my son hank was asleep in the back seat and we’re driving along and on the radio comes madonna and my girlfriend just slips into conversation “oh i used to party with madonna” and i went “you fucking what when” and she went “i used to party with madonna” now i should fill you in a little bit on this my girlfriend used to be a model in miami right i’m not bragging i didn’t get the model years i didn’t get those years i’ve seen the photos very impressive um… so i said “so you used to party with madonna madonna used to have big parties and invite models over right” and she went “no no it would just be me and a few other people” i go “you need to elaborate on this story right now” and she goes “oh okay i used to date the center for the miami heat” as soon as you hear that the mother of your child used to date an nba center even if this guy’s even slightly in proportion… a lot of things flood through your head first thing is “that’s why your cunt’s so fucked up” that’s a big one “that’s why our child came out while you were walking i understand” so she said “i used to date the center for the miami heat his best friend was dennis rodman dennis rodman used to go out with madonna and we used to go over to madonna’s house” and she goes “this one time the four of us were over at madonna’s house and we were all fucked up on drugs and one thing led to another…” and then i went “shut the fuck up” and she went “what” i said “i know what ‘one thing led to another’ means you all started fucking each other” and she went “we did we started…” “just shut up” and she goes “what do you care for” i said “you’re the mother of my child i don’t wanna picture you being fucked by a ’″ nba player while you’re licking out madonna’s muscular vagina and dennis rodman is in the corner stroking his tattooed cock going…”  and she goes “oh you’re being silly what do you care for you’ve partied way more than i have in my life” and i went “that is not true i’ve gotten wasted way more than you have but i have in no way partied way more than you have often i get wasted just by myself i wouldn’t call it a party” for most of my career i was a struggling comedian right and this is how struggling comedians party right it’s  am monday right we’re in a onebedroom apartment seven of us are standing around a coffee table trying to stretch out two grams of coke one of us is at the end of the table giving conspiracy theories… and the rest of us are talking about where women might be one of us has come up with a plan the plan goes like this “well… nurses will be finishing their shift soon maybe if we just stand out the front of the er they’ll appreciate seven funny guys”  i don’t… you know i’ve never partied like a model i have partied twice in my life twice like really partied i’ve had good nights out but i’ve really partied twice if you really party and most people never experience this it’s an amazing thing it happens in vegas it can only happen in vegas and it’s gotta involve celebrity right i’m not famous but the people around me were super famous and i was at this party in the night club and they took me in and then there’s the night club but then there’s the real night club out the back which is like the size of this stage it’s only a little room and you go back there and you can just… they encourage you to take drugs in the open and you’re just doing it off a key  and they’re going “no dude use the table don’t use your…” and i go “oh oh oh sorry um…” and it’s confusing at first and then their security will drag women off that other night club into your room just bring ’em in like “huh” and you can do this you can go… “uh…” like that and they’ll drag these women away it is the best thing you’ll ever do with your life when you party that hard as a man there’s a lot of remorse ’cause you have to tip everyone a lot of money you wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover and you go to your friends you go “oh my god we partied so hard last night i spent ” when a hot girl parties that hard she wakes up in the morning and goes “oh my god we partied so hard last night i made ” and that’s a vastly different emotion that… i don’t think women will never… yeah okay this is the thing in america at the moment they’re trying to raise the minimum wage to i don’t know  an hour or something like that and whenever they bring up this argument they always go “and still to this day women only earn  of what men earn in the workplace” and of course that’s disgusting how dare women earn so much like… a lot of things that i say tonight will be jokes that i don’t actually mean but this is something i’m really passionate about women do not deserve to earn as much money a',\n",
       "  's men in the workplace i’m sorry i…  i’m not being a misogynistic bastard right i’m not saying that women don’t work as hard i’m sure they do i’m not saying they don’t do as good a job what i’m saying is they don’t deserve to earn as much money as men right men need that extra  to buy meals and drinks and jim jefferies tickets and all that shit  now… i’m sure there’s women in this room that are saying “oh i pay for my drinks i bought my own ticket” and don’t think we don’t appreciate the uglies ’cause we do right we do but there’s little things in society that you can’t change men have extra expenses that you’ll never understand there’s holidays that are just for women like valentine’s day is just for women they say it’s for romantics they say it’s for couples or something like that it’s just for women there’s no man who gets excited by valentine’s day there’s no man that when he sees the valentine’s day decorations go up in the shopping mall he goes “oh valentine’s day is coming” valentine’s day is a mathematical equation that every man has in his head and it goes like this “how much money do i have to spend today so that you won’t act like a cunt” it doesn’t stop there mother’s day mother’s day rocked around in my house when my son was six months old my girlfriend’s first mother’s day and she went “oh i wonder what i’ll get for mother’s day” and i went “probably fucking nothing he’s got no money he’s six months old what do you think he’s gonna buy you” within an hour her friends were over at the house just by coincidence telling me what a bad person i was and how important mother’s day is to a new mum you know and so i went and bought her a cappuccino machine ’cause i assumed that’s what hank would have wanted her to have… and i wrote a card i’m not a bastard i wrote a card i’m righthanded so i got my left hand every new dad knows this you get the crayon and you go  “happy mother’s day love hank” and i went “han…” and then i did the “k” backtofront because he’s a fucking moron see now i know there’s people in the room they’re thinking “well fathers have father’s day” father’s day is bullshit it’s fucking shit father’s day father’s day came around and my girlfriend went “what do you want for father’s day” and i went “i don’t want anything don’t even worry about it i don’t want anything” and she goes “come on you gotta have something” i said “honestly i don’t want anything” and she goes “come on” and i went “it’s my fucking money just don’t touch it just leave my money alone how hard is this how about for  hours you don’t touch my fucking money that would be a gift” that’s why every single father has that one father’s day gift that they cherish and it’s shit it’s like a fucking ceramic mug that the kid made in school where the handle’s too big and it says “i heart dad” and they keep that for  fucking years this mug and do you wanna know why they like it every now and again they look at it and go… “that cost me nothing that mug”  see… wouldn’t it be nice to have one day that was for men and for fathers and all that type of stuff but didn’t cost anything that everyone could participate in right i’ve got it right april … anal sex day  it’s good isn’t it everyone’s girlfriend or wife has to take it in the ass on april  it’s nice a month before you’d be walking around the shopping center going “oh the decorations are up”  and it’s good ’cause if your bird didn’t take it in the ass you could do the same thing that women do on valentine’s day when they don’t get a gift you could go like “oh me mate jason his wife took it in the ass twice yeah obviously they’re more connected than we are they’ve uh…” i’m thinking i don’t do much merchandise after my shows and stuff but i’m thinking of bringing out some april  tshirts not even putting “jim jefferies” on them or anything just tshirts that say “april ” ‘cause it’s good right you’re in a bar you’re a guy you see a guy at the other end of the bar with an april  and you go… fucking friends for life right but even better you see a girl with an april  tshirt the weird thing is i’m biggingup anal sex here and i don’t even really like fucking girls in the ass that much i’m not even a huge fan i much prefer the cunt i think it’s a much more… i think that a cunt is a much more purposebuilt thing to fuck but you know anal sex… oh you know… i do it i get involved ’cause i feel like i have to you know i… but i’ve never been a big fan of the ass fucking i uh… when i watch it on porn it seems very inviting the girl’s taking it so fluently in her ass and she seems to be having fun and uh… but the thing is you can’t smell porn you don’t smell porn you just… you just watch it they never… and it’s different porn it’s different they clean the girl’s asshole they pump water into it until it’s very hygienic i’m sure and the girl seems to be so happy she’s like… you’ve got it in her pussy you’re fucking her and then she’s like “put it in my ass” she’s inviting it’s like you’re doing her a favor in porn and then she’s like… she says things… i don’t know things like “i’m enjoying that keep putting it in my ass fuck my ass i love a cock in my ass” and… and the experience i’ve had in my own life has been vastly different i’ve… my experience has been a lot of crying now although that can help you come at times it’s not what you want… it’s not what you want for every day i like the girl who acts like she’s enjoying it like you know when your girlfriend’s like “i’m gonna act like i enjoy it” ',\n",
       "  'she does that whole “yeah oh no that’s good”  ahh ♪ i’m having a good time ♪ and then they’re always going “are you done are you close to done” you never fuck a pussy and they go “are you almost done finish this” like that if you’re fucking ass they don’t want you… they want it all over quick and they do other things the porn girls i don’t know how much they get paid i’m sure it’s more than what the men get paid it’s the opposite bit of society um… but they do a thing called “atm” i don’t know if you know what that is kids that stands for “ass to mouth” that’s where the porn girl will pull the cock from out of her anus and she’ll put it directly in her mouth and she’ll say something like “i love the taste of my ass let me taste my ass” and then the man as a favor to this woman puts his cock in her mouth to congratulate her on the fine work…  she’s been doing now i had a drunken night with my exgirlfriend where she thought she’d be all wild and try that once again vastly different experience i’m not a big fan of the ass fucking and i don’t know of any man if they’re truthful really is now there’s women in the room who are thinking “well why does my guy constantly bother me to fuck me in my ass”  what a good question  women the reason that men like fucking you in the ass is because… we know you fucking hate it  so… i’m a father um… i love my son i love my son the same way that i love cigarettes i like to hold him for five minutes every hour and the rest of the time i’m thinking about how he’s fucking killing me he’s a good little boy no he’s a great little fella i really like him um… my girlfriend super loves him though it’s fucking creepy and… i’m glad i have a son that worked out good for me i wouldn’t be a good father to a girl it wouldn’t be good for me nothing weird wouldn’t fuck it i… i just don’t get along with women you know how it is i don’t want them in my house and… so… because you dream see… for example okay when hank was born… the couple over the road within two weeks of hank being born had a baby girl and rightly or wrongly the first thing that went through my head was… “aw that’s great i hope hank fucks that one day” that’s what i think… ‘cause that’s what i think about my son i hope when he’s of age he just fucks everything i don’t care if my son is gay or straight all i care about is when he is of age that he gets every bit of fucking pussy or cock that he desires that is my dream for my son  but never in the history of fathers and daughters has a father held his baby girl and gone “oh i hope you have a lot of cocks through you in your life i hope you’re never shy of a cock i hope you pass out at parties and all the boys are queuing up” right you know… and it’s not just me women treat baby girls and baby boys differently as well my girlfriend goes to the gym every morning i go there very occasionally and when you go to the gym there’s a little daycare crèche thing in the gym where you can hand your child off and inside that daycare there’s like three women in their  they’re very nice ladies and you hand your kid off and he plays then when you finish your workout you come and get him and there’s a woman that works there who just loves my son she sees all the other kids but she loves hank and hank fucking loves her and the two of them light up when they see each other and it’s super cute i bring hank up the stairs and he starts going “uh uh” trying to reach at her all right and she does this she goes “everyone my boyfriend’s here here’s my boyfriend give him here he’s my boyfriend” and then she kisses him and she goes ♪ my boyfriend gives me kisses my boyfriend gives me kisses ♪ it’s fucking adorable but i tried doing that with a baby girl… let’s say you go to the gym and there’s a daycare and me and a couple of my mates are working there “hey everyone… me girlfriend’s here give her here give her here she’s my girlfriend my girlfriend gives me kisses you know that right she’s always giving me kisses enjoy your workout don’t worry about a thing”   so… also… it’s just easier to bring up a son than it is a daughter it’s just little things even when they’re babies it’s just easier there’s a wiping technique when you’re wiping a baby’s ass i don’t know if you have children but this is how you do it the baby lays on its back you put their feet together you lift the feet up and then you go in and wipe with a boy you can wipe like that up and down side to side whatever the fuck you want right with a girl you gotta wipe downward and away downward and away it’s very important that you wipe away from the cunt very important ‘cause it turns out that women of all ages hate having shit in their cunts they do they fucking hate it boys don’t give a shit fucking… my son will have shit all over his dick and balls and i’ll be cleaning it off under the foreskin and he’ll be laughing like it’s the best day ever even at my age now i find it funny if i have shit on my dick if i fuck my girlfriend in the ass i pull out i’ve got shit on my dick i’ll ring me mate jason up and go “hey jason… it’s happened again i got shit on my dick” and he’ll tell me a similar story about when he had shit on his dick and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh but never in the history of women has there been a woman with shit in her cunt and she’s thought “oh i can’t wait to call karen”   when you… when my girlfriend got pregnant… when you meet… when you haven’t got a child couples who have children are always bragging about how cool it is ',\n",
       "  'to have children whenever you meet couples with children they’re always like “it is the most fulfilling thing i’ve ever done with my life my heart grows larger and larger every day” and then the second that my girlfriend got pregnant those same people went like this “you’re never gonna sleep again  forget about it it’s over you’re not gonna sleep” they’re constantly telling you you’re not gonna sleep raising a baby is not that hard i’ll tell you what it’s easier than a coke habit i had a coke habit for sevenandahalf fucking years at least it’s not me who wakes up crying anymore i can sleep through other people crying i’ve had girlfriends that’s like white noise to me i find it soothing see me and my girlfriend just two months we went “fuck it let’s have a kid” fucking did it right these other people man… you know these couples and they date from high school and then they go out for a bit longer and then after being together for like seven years they go “we’re getting engaged you wanna come to the party” and you wanna say “no you’re really boring and we hate you” but you go “oh okay great you’re still together are you you fucked one person have you oh how exciting” and… and then what they do is they don’t have a kid right away because they’re still not ready “we have to see how our careers are going and shit” and what they do is they get a dog and then they act like the fucking dog’s their baby they refer to it as their fucking baby they send you a christmas card of them holding the dog… and it says “from our family to yours” and then you have a barbecue and you invite them the humans right then they come over this fucking dog runs in jumping over everything and you’re like “what the fuck is this shit” and they’re like “we had to bring him we bring our baby everywhere” and you go “well your baby is biting my actual baby can you control…” and then eventually they decide they’re gonna have a kid ’cause they’ve learned so much from the dog and then they bring the kid back and the dog runs up like “what’s happening a new person” and they’re like “fuck off we don’t love you anymore we’re going” and they think they’ve learnt something from the dog and they haven’t learnt anything what happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the dog dies you go off you buy another dog that looks similar to the original dog… try to pass it off as the same dog what happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the baby dies very hard… to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have easier if you’re black or asian  boston no no no shut up i will not put up with racism at my shows okay i’m not saying ’cause they look the same i’m saying ’cause they’re easier to purchase   if angelina jolie and madonna have taught us anything… it is that you can buy black and asian people i’m yet to see a black celebrity couple come home from norway with a child going… “yolanda quick get hans bring him over come on”  i’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit uh… gun control now… no wait before you… don’t get excited because the other people have guns the antigun people are like “yeah do it jim” no let’s just…  now before i start saying this i wanna say this right i believe in your right as americans to have guns i’m not trying to stop you from having guns all i’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion my opinion on the… oh it doesn’t matter i don’t like guns right i’m gonna say some things that are just facts right in australia we had guns right right up until  in  australia had the biggest massacre on earth it still hasn’t been beaten and… now after that they banned the guns now in the  years before port arthur there was  massacres since the gun ban in  there hasn’t been a single massacre since i don’t know how or why this happened uh… maybe it was a coincidence right now please understand that i understand that australia and america are two vastly different cultures with different people right i get it in australia we had the biggest massacre on earth and the australian government went “that’s it no more guns” and we all went “yeah all right then that seems fair enough really” now in america you had the sandy hook massacre where little tiny children died and your government went “maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns” and  of you went “fuck you don’t take my guns”  so here’s where it gets confusing right now as i said i am all for your second amendment rights i think you should be able to have guns it’s in your constitution what i am not for is bullshit arguments and lies there is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun and this is the argument… “fuck off i like guns” it’s not the best argument but it’s all you’ve got and there’s nothing wrong with it there’s nothing wrong with saying “i like something don’t take it away from me” but don’t give me this other bullshit the main one is  “i need it for protection i need to protect me i need to protect my family” really is that why they’re called “assault rifles” is it i’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of protection what the fuck are you talking about you have a gun in your house you’re  more likely to use that gun on yourself than to shoot someone else and people think “well that’d never happen to me” you don’t know that because you know what♪ from time to time we all get sad ♪ ♪ one day you’re happy then you’re sad ♪ ♪ and then uhoh ♪protection i had a breakin in manche',\n",
       "  'ster england where i was tied up i had my head cut they threatened to rape my girlfriend they came through the window with a machete and a hammer and americans always go  “well imagine if you had a gun” and i’m like “all right i was naked at the time i wasn’t wearing my holster i wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through” what world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready you have guns ’cause you like guns that’s why you go to gun conventions that’s why you read gun magazines none of you give a shit about home security none of you go to home security conventions none of you read padlock monthly none of you have a facebook picture of you behind a secure door going “fucking yeah” like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house you have it at all fucking times by the way most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking tv you think that people are coming to murder your family how many fucking enemies do you have jeez you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you see if you have it readily available it becomes unsafe you have it in your bedside table one of your kids picks it up thinks it’s a toy shoots another one of your kids happens every fucking day but people go “that’d never happen in my house ’cause i’m a responsible gun owner i keep my guns locked in a safe” then they’re no fucking protection someone comes into the house you’re like “wait there fuckface oh you’ve come to the wrong house here buddy boy i tell you what i’m gonna fuck you up okay is it  to the left or  to the right your mother’s birthday why the fuck would i know your fucking mother’s birthday maybe if you didn’t leave the window open  ‘because it’s too hot in here’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered right” i find the nra to be hard work the fact that they always think the answer is more guns after sandy hook happened the nra said and i quote “none of this would have happened if the teachers had guns” i… i think they’re forgetting what school was like does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… whenever she came into school that relief teacher came you and your friends would see her and go  “oh we’re gonna make her cry” and then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking and you’d go “you’re never getting married are you miss never gonna happen for you” then she’d get back to her  volkswagen beetle and she’d be crying over the steering wheel just “why don’t they like me” let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out  and then they go “oh well answer to that we’ll just add more guns” they go “we’ll put an armed security guard at every school across america” yeah that’ll work out the average security guard in america earns  an hour not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero someone comes onto the school and…  and you’ve got kevin now i’m sure kevin’s shithot at call of duty but it might not fucking cut it ladies and gentlemen now i understand that when i’m doing this joke in this room  of you agree with me  of you don’t agree with me and i do respect the people who don’t agree with me don’t think i don’t out of the  that don’t agree with me  of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes right and then the next  have sort of phased out a little bit they’re looking around going “wonder how they got that chandelier up there” and then… there’s the last  and they’re fucking furious right now in this room and the people watching at home…  of you are fucking seething just… and for a couple of reasons first reason i’m making good points  second reason second reason second reason and this is the big one i’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off and it’s just going around in a circle and you’re just going “if you don’t like it go home if you don’t like it go home” and my answer to that is “no” i came here legally i pay my taxes i’ll say whatever the fuck i want your first amendment means that i can say the second amendment sucks dicks and… unless you’re an american indian you’re a fucking immigrant as well so fuck off people get so precious about it i understand that to americans your constitution is very important i respect it but please understand that every country has one as well it’s no more special than any other constitution we have one in australia i don’t know what it says i’ve never seen it if there’s a problem we’ll check it but everything’s going fine and don’t get me wrong i get that the constitution is important to you i have had… fucking i get it right i’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as i’m leaving the theater going  “you cannot change the second amendment” and i’m like “yes you can it’s called an ‘amendment” if you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment” see many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution and if you don’t know what a thesaurus is get a dictionary and work your way forward don’t think your constitution is set in stone you’ve changed things before you used to have prohibition in there right and then people were like “hey who likes getting fucked up yeah i like getting fucked up too let’s get that one out let’s get that one out” you used to have this other thing in america called uh… slav',\n",
       "  'ery and then lincoln came along and went “that’s it no more slaves” and  of you went “fuck you don’t take my slaves” and the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns “why should i have my slaves taken off me i’m a responsible slave owner i’m trained in how to use my slaves safely just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me i… i use my slaves to protect my family i keep my slaves locked in a safe” that’s the thing “why should i have my guns taken off me i’ve done nothing wrong” look i agree with you if you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them then you should be allowed your guns you really should but that’s not how society works we have to play to the  that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us we have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving right i take drugs like a fucking champion right  we should all be allowed to take fucking drugs but we can’t can we because sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids oh “oh thanks sarah you fucked it up for everyone” right everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it right but we can’t because jonathan got drunk and ran over a family “thanks jonathan now i have to drive at  you fucking idiot” see that’s the thing “why should i have my guns taken off me i’m responsible just because that guy’s crazy” who’s to say you’re not crazy that’s the thing about crazy people they don’t know they’re crazy that’s what makes them crazy the only thing you know for sure on this earth is “i think therefore i am” you know that you exist anything past that is open to interpretation right you know you exist and that’s it right now i think i’m in boston talking to  people that’s what i think i’m doing but there is a good to fair chance that i’m in a mental home standing in front of a white wall going  “i hate guns i hate guns i hate guns”  see one of the better arguments is “well if you take the guns away then only the criminals will have guns” not true when they banned the guns in australia it worked when they banned them in britain it worked okay the bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in sandy hook costs like  american and you can buy it in walmart it’ll be delivered to your house that’s it man  bucks right that same gun in australia on the black market costs  now if you have  you don’t need to be a criminal you’ve got  you’re a great little saver keep going so that covers the criminals but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family that are coming after you and your family it kind of does the people who do the massacres it covers them ’cause they go… the kid at colorado who thought he was the joker let’s say that he had some social issues the kid at sandy hook was asperger’s as fuck right i don’t know if you know a lot about the black market but you can’t just rock up at the docks going  “guns who wants to sell me a gun” now i’m gonna wrap this up we won’t talk about it anymore now… see the one thing that i do really agree with with the right to bear arms i really agree with… that the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government in case the government became a bunch of cunts you could all get your guns and fight back and that’s why it was written –  – yeah and that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets but you do know the government has drones right you get that you’re bringing guns to a drone fight if we went back to muskets i’m all for it keep the second amendment if we all have muskets… muskets are awesome every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times you know what’s good about the musket it gives you a lot of time to calm down someone calls your wife fat and you’re like “fuck you buddy ah you’re not a bad guy you’re all right” now… after the show we’re gonna go out have a big party around boston see how it goes i’m not allowed to go to strip clubs anymore my girlfriend has said that’s a no… ’cause i don’t behave myself in there so i’m not allowed to go to them anymore ‘cause strip clubs aren’t what women think they are  it used to be like… okay so when a man goes to a strip club it’s all about girls being as dirty and as horrible to each other as possible that’s what men want to see women when they go to their magic mike clubs or whatever the fuck they are… women wanna see a guy “hey ladies he’s a fireman” and he comes out with his hose and like that… and whenever a stripper takes their clothes off they’ve still got the fireman’s hat on or a tool belt on or policeman’s gun on a holster right because even when a man’s naked a woman wants to know that he has a job when men watch strippers we want them to have a job and that job’s stripping we want to just look at that girl dancing and have a hand full of money and just go… “you can’t take care of your kids” it’s… and when men get private dances in these strip clubs i don’t know… i don’t know if women actually know what goes on in those rooms but basically it’s dry humping there’s no dancing the girl gets in front she gets where your cock is pushes it to one side and then she rubs on it… and then she stands over and puts her cunt right in your face and you go… that’s what a private “dance” is right i don’t know if there’s private dancing in female strip clubs  i can’t imagine that there would be i don’t imagine a woman getting out of a back room and',\n",
       "  ' going up to her friend and going… she goes “how was it” and she goes “well… he just sat me down and then he grabbed my genitals… and then he dragged his scrotum over my forehead i got to go to the atm” so legit got canceled  yeah i know i know it who would’ve thought it would’ve struggled on that great fxx channel that everyone knew about the first season is on netflix this special is being recorded for netflix so you can go watch it there if you’re watching the special it was… i’m very proud of it we had two great seasons of really good television and if people didn’t… now… the whole tv show is based around one standup routine that i used to do about having a friend with muscular dystrophy that i took to a brothel which is a true story and so when we cast a character with muscular dystrophy who… in the end we used dj qualls and dj qualls is the skinny white guy out of the movie road trip he’s the skinny white guy out of the movie hustle  flow and he’s the white guy out of the movie hustle  flow now… the great thing about dj is… he already looks disabled he has that “latter stages of aids” thing going on it’s great for casting anyway but… i didn’t want dj to begin with i wanted a person with muscular dystrophy to make it look authentic and the actors’ union of america said “you cannot do that” because basically the problem is people with muscular dystrophy i think are only allowed to work for two hours a day before they get too tired and i said “all right what other disabilities and diseases are allowed to work longer” and they sent me a list and on this list i said “can you get rid of all the contagious ones and what have we got left” so i saw every disabled actor in hollywood and i’ll be honest with you not that many of them i don’t know why maybe they’re just lazy they don’t wanna work maybe they give up on their dreams rather quickly and none of them were very good either everyone we saw none of them were very good ’cause acting is all about what you do with your hands none of them knew what to do with their hands and… they all came in until this one guy came in i had seen a lot of people that day this guy was the most disabled person i’d ever seen in my life he was like… think of the most disabled person you’ve seen then double it …really super disabled he was shaped like a pretzel he was being carried in by this big russian nurse carried him in he made that great disabled sound of…  that one i just loved him anyway… so he comes in for the audition… and i’m sitting there and we’re doing the lines together and at first i didn’t know if he was mentally all there either so i was being a little bit patronizing i was going “thank you so much for coming in” and then we did the dialog together and i didn’t have to worry about a thing this kid was funny he was smart his timing was impeccable i thought he was just great and i helped him out of the room and i come back to the director and i said “that’s our guy that’s who we gotta pick” and he agreed but we had to see everyone else who was still in the waiting room so the next bloke wheels himself in now obviously he’s just a paraplegic if he’s wheeling himself in which means the waist down and that didn’t really suit me because… paraplegics can get themselves to a hooker without my assistance but i thought… “if he’s a good enough actor maybe he can quadup for the role” so he comes in… he comes in i shake his hand and his leg slightly comes out at the same time and i went “whoa what’s going on there kicky” and he goes… “oh you got me i’m not disabled” and i said “you’re fucking what now” and he goes “i’m not disabled i just really wanted the role so i rented a wheelchair” and i said “just shut up so let me… this is how your day has mappedout thus far you woke up this morning you drove to the wheelchair rental place you rented a wheelchair you carried it out i assume you put it in the trunk of your car you drove here you got the wheelchair out you carried it up three flights of stairs you went to the waiting room you put it down next to the severely disabled man and his nurse then you sat in it and practiced your lines” and he went… “yeah” and i said “you’re a fucking asshole mate get the fuck out of here” and i kicked him out and later on that day i’m sitting there with all the headshots of all the different actors i’m gonna call to tell them they’ve got parts and i’m holding this disabled guy’s headshot and i just think “i’m gonna call this guy up i’m gonna change his life this is an awesome moment right” and i’m looking at it and he looks super handsome in his headshot he looked really like… and i thought “this has gotta be the greatest photographer with the fastest shutter in camera history” the shutter on his camera has gotta be like…  like…  and then i read the guy’s biography… and then it dawned on me “this guy’s not disabled either i hated the other fucker for renting a wheelchair this cunt rented a nurse” do you wanna know the level of fucking psychosis you have to go through to rent a fucking nurse i’m all for a method actor get into character three hours before but once you finish the audition stand up and go “tada” and we would have gone “that was very good” but i’ll tell you what you don’t do don’t make me carry you to your car i carried him down three flights of stairs going “you did very good” he’s like “thank you jim”   i was uh… i go to a therapist… ’cause i get depressed so i got a therapist every now and again i literally had one of those ',\n",
       "  'moments with my therapist where she was saying words like “i’m gonna say a word and you say the first thing that comes in your mind” like just out of the movies right and she went “red” and i went “blue” and then she went “cooking” and i went “food” and all that type of stuff we went like this forever and then she went… for the last question she went “and what’s your favorite thing in the world” and i went… “coming on a girl’s face” now… now i could’ve said things like… “ice cream” is a good answer “hank” would’ve been an excellent answer but i said “coming on a girl’s face” and i’ve had six months to think about my answer and i stand by it – i… –  i’m not proud of it i hate myself for thinking it it’s such a horrible thing to do to another human when a girl’s on her knees and you… it’s so… and as an atheist i believe in darwin and all the things that he wrote but he never had a bit where he explained that there was never a bit in his book where he went “when a caveman loves a cavewoman he’ll ejaculate on her face so that flies won’t come near” there was never that… never that moment but by golly if it’s not fun i find it… to… look to all the girls who take a load on their face from time to time may i say “bravo” don’t… don’t think what you do… has gone unnoticed we notice we appreciate your work i think you deserve a parade of some kind during memorial day after the vietnam vets before the first gulf war guys we could bring in “and here’s the women who take a load on their face” and you could march out and married men would stand there going “god bless you ladies”  i enjoy your acting that you do the standard tongue out and the… like that… i don’t know why but i enjoy… i know it’s a lie i know you’re not excited but i still appreciate the effort is what i enjoy i love the look because it’s such a “oh jeez i’m excited too when this come hits my face there’s a good chance i’ll also orgasm anything could happen in this crazy world” but this is what redeems us as men this is what redeems us just know that the second the come shoots out of our cock and hits your face our bodies flood with remorse the next  seconds is the nicest we will ever be to you  i go from being an animal to the sweetest guy on earth i’m like “you fucking slut… oh i love you ah… uh all right no no no put your tongue back in um… keep your eyes shut just keep them shut uh… all right i’m going to get a towel i’ll get a towel i’ll get you a towel all right you’re a wonderful mother to our child”   see… this is what kills me my son will one day watch this dvd and i’m the guy who’s meant to teach him right from wrong and i’m there wiping come off his mother’s face i think i did something illegal with my son the other day i think it might be illegal tell me if this is illegal all right i’m in the shower my girlfriend goes off to the gym in the morning and when she came back i was in the shower and hank ran up and he started banging on the glass door of the shower like “argh” like that and i went…  and i saw his little face and i went “hello hankie” and then in the condensation i drew a little bowtie on him… and a little suit… and then i gave him a voice bubble that said “i love my daddy love hank” but i did it so i could read it well of course he could read the “k” and… then i stepped out i stepped out of the bathroom and i went “g’day hankie” and he slapped my cock and he ran off now is that illegal i don’t know is it illegal because a a child touched my cock or because b i found it really funny and i’ve been telling everyone and i can’t get angry at him because his whole life he’s been lying on mats with things dangling over he’s been training for this his entire life i think i’ve uh… i think i’ve become american more american than i am australian lately and there was a moment where i tipped over where i went “oh i think like an american person now” and i’m happy to do it i just… i’ll tell you what happened i was flying around… i was doing a tour of australia and i was flying domestically around australia and i’m so used to airports and stuff here in america that… okay what happens is when you go… i was flying sydney to melbourne when you fly domestically in australia you go up to the machine put your name in prints your ticket out it prints your bag thing you put the bag thing on your bag yourself and then there’s a conveyor belt underneath you throw your bag on bag fucks off you don’t speak to anyone then i go up to the gate bit and the lady’s going “tickets please” and i’m holding my id out like a fucking simpleton ‘cause i get through airports quick man i’m like “fucking there you go” and she went “put your id away i don’t need to see that” and i went… “i think you do” and she went “i don’t… why would i need to see your id” and i said “i might be a terrorist” and she went “would showing me your id stop you from blowing the plane up” “no i’d probably still blow the plane up” so then i get up to the tsa conveyor belt thing and i’m so good at the airports i’m already taking my shoes off as i’m walking right and all the australians behind me assume that i’m american and they’re losing their fucking shit they’re like “oh for fuck’s sake one of these cunts eh” and the tsa guy goes “hey mate what are you taking your shoes off for” and i went…  “i don’t know maybe they’re bombs” and he went… “but they’re not are they” i put me shoes back on i get my laptop out everyone’s going mental and the tsa guy says very politely but extraordinarily sarcas',\n",
       "  'tically he goes “jeez mate that’s a nice computer why are you showing it to everyone” “it might also be a bomb” and then the guy said the most australian thing i’ve ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth ever he went… “oh come on mate you wouldn’t have two bombs”   i’m not even quite sure what that means but it does make some type of sense all right oscar pistorius if you haven’t been following the case you’re missing out this is the greatest thing since oj simpson you’re fucking missing out mate if you don’t know who oscar pistorius is let me fill you in oscar pistorius is a legless man from south africa known as the blade runner he ran in two olympics the disabled and the ablebodied olympics in one year no one has ever done that he’s an inspiration to hundreds and millions of disabled and ablebodied people alike and on valentine’s day last year he shot and killed the hottest girl on earth… and that’s when he became an inspiration to me… ’cause hot girls have been getting away with too much shit for too fucking long let that be a lesson to all you hot girls out there you can’t just say whatever the fuck you want whenever you fucking want  people have feelings you cunts now there’s a lot of rumors going around on what happened on that day one of the theories is that they found in her phone… he went through her phone and on her phone he found some text messages from a south african rugby player on valentine’s day right now i don’t know if you’ve ever been to south africa but in south africa rugby is more popular than legless running it goes rugby legless running cricket legless running’s their second sport you wouldn’t have thought that anyway… i’m going to reenact what i believe happened that day to do that i will now be doing a south african accent now i know many of you can’t tell the difference between my accent and a south african accent here’s the difference picture my accent but i’m punching a black person what i’m trying to say is south africans are horrible people so… she’s coming out of the shower she’s been drying her hair she’s listening to rodriguez or something she comes out he’s laying on the bed he looks up at her he’s holding the phone and he goes  “what the fuck is this i’ve been through your phone you have been texting a rugby player” and she’s like “oh fuck you who the fuck do you think you are” “who am i i’m oscar pistorius the greatest legless runner that has ever been that’s who the fuck i am” “well i would rather be with a rugby player at least he is a whole man not a threequarter man like you” –  – i know  “oh fuck you” “no fuck you i’m leaving you” and then she storms out of the room and then he was like… “you fucking bitch  i hate you  you will rue the day… that you left oscar pistorius the blade runner don’t go anywhere  i hate you” that’s where he keeps his legs all right then he put the blades on “oh you’re in trouble missy i tell you i go to my gun safe” she locked herself in the bathroom he shot her through the bathroom door seems like overkill doesn’t it bathrooms only have little tiny locks on them but oscar’s one of the few men on earth that couldn’t kick the door in right he was wearing the blades so… boing ah so… i think oscar will probably go to prison now… in south africa one in four people have aids i assume it may even be worse in the prison population now can i say this look… i’ve never raped a man i hate that i have to put “a man” in that sentence but whatever i’ve never raped a man but… if i was going to rape a man it would be a legless olympian… ’cause in prison it’s all about getting one up on other people and making people think you’re tough and all that like “you want to fucking rape me i just raped an olympian bitch is that what you fucking want” there’d be a wonderful moment… when you’re in the showers and he was crawling away like the end of a terminator movie  you know what i like about that joke so often when you tell a joke the rapist is the villain in the story but not in that one not in that one he’s the hero all right we have to get going soon before i leave – i thank you very much for coming –  no i said “soon” not “over” it’s just soon you cunts so calm down   i always… i always find that weird when someone like whistles like that what do they think is going to happen like i’m going to go “fucking you know me mate i was enjoying claps and cheers but what i needed was a highpitched squeal noise thank god you came along to pick up my spirits”  love you all right final story now i was in south africa again jeez i don’t think i’ll be working in south africa after this special comes out i used to do like one tour in south africa every year and i just don’t know if i’ll be invited this time they’ll be like  “we don’t like him he’s no good” anyway so i’m in south africa and i had to fly back from cape town to los angeles which is like a  flight you’ve to go up to london and go across cunt of a trip um… but it was all right ’cause i had a business class ticket so i didn’t give a fuck and when i travel economy i try to dress up nice ’cause i like to look good in case someone recognizes me and i might get an upgrade but when i’ve already got a business class ticket i try to look like a bag of shit… ’cause it’s important to me that everyone else in business class doesn’t want me there and they’re annoyed by my presence so… i’m wearing a white tshirt that’s got brown stains on it with a hole in the side i’m wearing these small shorts with just one testicle ha',\n",
       "  'nging out so anyway i go up to the counter up to the business thing with the thing and i go “hello” and the lady goes  “oh mr jefferies i’m so sorry but you have been downgraded” i said “you what now” she goes “business class is full you have been downgraded” and i said “i understand that business class is full i bought one of the tickets that made it full” and she went “i’m sorry sir there’s nothing i can do” and then i just went “are you fucking kidding me” now you know when you’re dealing with customer service people and they want you to swear ’cause as soon as you swear they don’t have to engage with you anymore they can act like they’re the first adult never to hear a swear word and they can get really offended right so i went “are you fucking kidding me” and she went “please do not speak to me that way i have done nothing wrong” and i said “are you a white south african telling me you’ve done nothing wrong” anyway… tensions rose the manager comes over big fat cunt called simon fulcher right he walks over and goes  “what is wrong here what is wrong” and i said “i bought a business class ticket and i want a business class ticket” and he goes “what do you want me to do make a new chair for you there are no more seats i can’t do anything” he goes “i’ll tell you what i can do go up to the executive lounge have some peanuts enjoy a beverage listen to rodriguez and if something opens up we will move you back up to business class so i thought “there’s nothing i can do” so i walk off with my ticket i’m walking through the airport like “fucking british airways bunch of fucking cunts” right i get up to the counter and the woman behind the counter said “tickets please” and i hand over my ticket and she goes  “i’m sorry sir but this is for business class passengers only your ticket says ‘economy’ on it” and i said…  “i bought a business class ticket but you people have downgraded…” and as i was doing my little speech she looked past me and went “next”  “listen here you fucking cunt”  all right now you say “cunt” in any foreign country people lose their fucking shit security came from everywhere i was going “don’t you fucking come near me cunt” and i said “i want to speak to simon fulcher” like i’m… and they go “all right” they ring the manager up and then they go… he goes “is it the pale australian man” and the guy went “yes” he goes “we’ve had problems with him let him through” right so i go through i’m sitting there i’m eating my peanuts and i’m just angry now going “fucking british airways fucking cunts fucking…” like that and in walks in a group of americans about  of them you know the type right they all… and whenever i see americans abroad… i’ll do my impersonation of any american abroad when americans are abroad you’re just pointing out shit you see you’re just walking around going  “oh this is great look at that that’s a chair right there okay oh what’s that over there okay wonderful great” right and this group walked in and one of the women in the group went like this she went  “did anyone else see that australian guy speaking to that lady out there some people have no class” and i put my head around the pylon and i went “you can fuck off and all you don’t know what i’ve been through i’ve been downgraded” and as i said that  other people who were given the same lie that i was given that they were going to be the next people promoted up to business class the penny dropped none of us are getting promoted they all lied to us and we formed an angry militia in seconds it was like a scene out of braveheart and they all stood up and went “fucking downgraded” and the woman in the group was doing this “don’t speak to me that way who the hell do you think you are” and all the men in the group were like “hey why don’t you shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up” ♪ it doesn’t matter these people seem very angry so ♪ and a guy breaks from the group and he tries to calm everyone down and sometimes americans sometimes you can seem a little insincere and he came up and he went  “hey hey yeah i get it  downgraded yeah that really grinds my gears i tell you that yeah i would write a stronglyworded letter i really would” and then i thought at least this guy’s being nice and i said “look mate don’t worry about it it’s not like it’s your fault” and i said “why are you in such a big group anyway” and he goes “oh we’re in neil diamond’s band that’s neil diamond’s backup singer you just called a cunt there” and as he said that neil diamond walked around the corner like a fucking superhero… and i reacted like he was one i went “neil diamond” and neil diamond went  “hey what’s going on” and then for a second there there was a bit of my brain that thought maybe neil diamond could solve problems and i went “neil me and all these people we’ve been downgraded” and neil went “oh oh right uh well maybe that’s our fault we decided to come back a day early” “you can fuck off and all neil diamond” and then a fight breaks out amongst the neil diamond band and the downgraded punches are thrown not by me i don’t know if you have the internet but i’m not much of a fighter i’m an excellent scurrierawayer i get down “hey what have you got there hiya” anyway the airport police came three people were arrested from the downgraded… but three people were arrested from the neil diamond band and that meant that three seats opened up in business class  ladies and gentlemen thank you very much good night appreciate it   thank you go home let’s have a '],\n",
       " ['   ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  what the fuck is going on san francisco thanks for coming i appreciate it god damn put your phone down fuckface i see you bitch put your phone down motherfuckers they can’t use their eyes everybody’s gotta live through their goddamn phone whoo i’m high as fuck whoo it’s strange i wasn’t sure if i was gonna do this sober i’m like “ugh…” it’s not the move not in san francisco this is… i love pot but the people that are making edibles need to slow the fuck down oh my god what are you trying to do to people i had a pot gummy bear the other day i think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldn’t be able to steal your soul right how the fuck are these people making these things man they’re not consistent that’s also part of the problem you don’t know what you’re getting ’cause they’re not making them the same place where they make tylenol nah it’s some greasy dude with a grateful dead tshirt on and a gray ponytail he’s got a bowl of ingredients and he can’t remember whether or not he put weed in yet this dude’s time traveling just back and forth he just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings you eat it and it’s not what you’re looking for it’s not regulated you gotta ask questions i asked a dude at the pot store i go “hey man how strong are the gummy bears” he goes… that’s not a unit of measurement he’s like “el diablo el diablo” “fuck man how much should i take” “just the leg” “just the leg why are you selling whole bears what the fuck are you trying to prove man” they just watch you leave with that bear they go “oh shit” they know they know you’re not gonna die you’re gonna think you’re gonna die but everybody lives learn some shit we learn some shit from the scary trips see the thing about edibles one of the problems with it being illegal is that a lot of us don’t have a lot of information that we could use like there’s a difference between smoking it and eating it when you smoke it you get thc but when you eat it it’s processed by your liver and it produces something called  metabolite that’s five times more psychoactive than thc and it lets you talk to dolphins  this is a real moment that changed my life i was in hawaii and we were on a boat and we were fishing we were pulling these lines behind the boat and i was so high i was trying to figure out which way the earth was spinning like the boat’s going this way and the sun’s up there i’m like “um…” for like  minutes i’m paralyzed so while this is all happening these dolphins just show up and if you’ve ever been around wild dolphins they’re very trippy it’s very different than you expect because they look at you they like check you out they like pop out of the water and they like look at you… like a person not like a fucking deer or woodchuck they look at you like another person granted i was so high i thought i was gonna die but… i’m making eye contact with these dolphins and i started thinking “how smart are these fucking things” because we’re fishing dolphins eat fish but you never catch dolphins ever no one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin and all i could think of while these dolphins were like hopping through the water and looking at us and shit… i was thinking “if people lived in the water you’d fucking catch ’em all day” they wouldn’t even have to live in the water if cheeseburgers just floated down geary street… at least once a week a guy would be like “i’m taking a chance” and you see ’em getting yanked up to the clouds “fuck we lost billy” the bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud you don’t catch dolphins on fishhooks man that’s weird they’re around fishing all the time and like “bitch” they’re fucking smart how smart well i watched a dolphin documentary and it said they have a cerebral cortex that’s  larger than a human being’s i don’t know what that means but if you say it right and don’t fuck up the words it makes you sound smarter than you really are i think what it means is they have big fucking brains but we don’t think of them as being smart ’cause they don’t do what we do right they don’t send emails they don’t have houses but if you lived in their world you don’t need anything you don’t need your fingers no one’s typing they have a language that’s so complex we can’t understand it all the food’s free they stay where the water’s warm i started thinking “how fucking smart are they what if they’re exactly the same as us what if it’s just some different branch of evolution we went one way they went the other what if consciousness is the same” i was thinking “what if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin” the way you think of yourself when you say the word “me” i was like “what if that’s exactly how a dolphin feels they’re just living life through different biology different genetics different life experiences but if i lived a dolphin’s life i would be him and if he lived my life he would be me” and then i started thinking “what if that’s the case with people what if everyone is exactly the same we’re just living life through different bodies what if ',\n",
       "  'that’s the secret of happiness treat everyone as if it’s you living another life”  i mean… and then i thought “god damn how good is this weed i’m getting in california whoo i’m on a fucking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean talking to water people” the problem with treating everybody as if it’s you living another life is you wanna fucking smack yourself half the people you meet you just wanna fucking smack ’em we live in the weirdest time ever i mean it’s the most awesome time ever but it’s the weirdest time ever too we’re like that close to president trump –  no boo – “no boo” you boo but you won’t vote you fucks all those bernie sanders people “yo bernie’s the shit” “did you vote for him” “voting ain’t real bro it doesn’t even work dude” we are that close to president trump bill cosby’s a rapist and bruce jenner’s a chick we’re in an episode of lost down is up and up is down this is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games this is the world we get we get a goddamn nerfedup world filled with nonsense nobody wants to be president nobody i hope hillary wins that way we can realize chicks can’t do that fucking job either it’s a stupid job it’s a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers it’s dumb it’s just some oldschool shit that we need to get rid of it doesn’t make any sense being president is great if there’s like  people if there’s  people you can figure out which one’s the best three hundred million people i have three kids i don’t know where the fuck they are right now how is this one dude in charge of  million people it’s nonsense it’s so old and stupid they make this guy sleep in this fucking white house if trump wins you know his house is cooler than the white house he’s like “i’m not sleeping in that shittyass stupid house” trump’s probably got like a tube at home that he opens up and a chinese girl just pops out of it and sucks his dick and goes right back in that’s what i would do if i had that kind of money we’re down to assholes where’s elon musk when you need him where’s the fucking geniuses where’s mark cuban no we got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the ’ we got an old man who hates money and we got a reality tv star with a plastic set of hair you can’t have a president with environmental concerns when every time this motherfucker does his hair we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames he’s got like a closet full of aqua net at home you can’t pretend you don’t give a fuck when you have that thing going on dude stop that the white house got broken into while obama was in office the first time in over  years that someone broke into the white house also the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself “what are you trying to say that women can’t do everything men can do” exactly that’s exactly what i’m saying that seems sexist right people say “you’re sexist” no it’s not sexist here’s why it’s not sexist ‘cause men can’t even do everything men can do see there’s no physical equality folks that’s why we have the olympics ‘cause there’s people that can do some shit that you and i can’t do one of those things is guarding the fucking white house i know i can’t guard the white house you know how i know because i’ve met shaquille o’neal and his dick is where my face is that’s not equality that’s not white privilege listen if the white house is experiencing a shaq attack i’m the wrong dude to save the world i did fear factor with shaq if we’re holding hands it’d be like a sixyearold at the park with his dad we’re barely the same thing so do i think women should guard the white house no i don’t think i should either it’s not sexist to say that women can’t do big physical labor things as good as giant men can but people will tell you it is well i’m not sexist as a matter of fact my favorite people are all female i have a wife and i have three daughters they’re my favorite people in the world but i could beat the fuck out of all of them okay listen… if they’re guarding the door i’m getting in i don’t mean to sound cocky but i’m just real confident i could fuck them up if i had the flu okay yeah we’re different we’re different i could beat up my cat too i’m not proud of it i just tell you what’s up if you wanna bet money bet money on me i’ll fuck that cat up most likely cats are fucking weird like that man i was petting my cat once and he bit me i was like “whoa are we gonna do this what the fuck are you doing here” i got a little nervous got a little nervous “women can do everything men can do this guy’s a piece of shit we’re leaving too much information is going in that i don’t agree with” “what the guy said was total bullshit total bullshit” how’d that girl get that job i’ll tell you how that girl got that job because someone let her have that job which means either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to fuck her… or her boss was a chick and she hated her either one’s possible look if there was a bunch of guys tha',\n",
       "  't were trying to fuck her that makes total sense if there’s one hot girl and she’s working with five guys in an office no work’s getting done in that office that office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to fuck her each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole “there’s gotta be a fucking way there’s gotta be a fucking way” you got this girl who’s like “i could guard the front door” “oh you could definitely guard the door no doubt no doubt” and over time if this woman doesn’t sleep with one of these men and claim him over time these guys will just start morphing and they’ll just start saying ridiculous preposterous shit “debbie wants to guard the front door do you have a problem with that” “no i don’t as a matter of fact i think women are amazing plus i’m vegan” and they will just… they will wear patchouli they will do what the fuck they have to do next thing you know poor fucking debbie at the front door… “why am i alone”  the whole story is so bananas and it’s one of my favorite stories so i’m gonna give you the whole story of the breakin at the white house with no edits and no comic exaggerations this is the real story ‘cause a lot of people think there’s some grand conspiracy there’s some cabal of evil geniuses that’s pulling the strings on everyone in america it’s most likely that people are just dumb as fuck in all sorts of walks of life this is the story this is the real story about the person who broke into the white house first of all people are always worried “the government’s checking out my emails bro the government’s watching us all the time” they pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the white house he had four handguns two rifles and a machete with him they didn’t even watch him he had a map on the map was washington and it had an “x” where the white house is they’re like “you’re good to go” they let him go two months later this motherfucker broke into the white house and why did he break into the white house why do you break into the white house ever because you want to die you don’t… that’s like a suicide run that’s the only reason why someone runs toward the white house if you had to ask someone “what kind of security do you think they have at the white house” “oh dude… they got snipers on every corner they got lasers in the grass if you get too far they open up a door you drop right into jail” nope turns out they don’t even have a dog you just fucking run the guy who made it into the white house he had  rounds of ammunition in his car left that there took a knife that’s a guy who wants to die he’s just sitting in his fucking car going “fuck the government fuck my exwife and fuck everybody i’m gonna do this fuck you” just sprinting “oh my god i’m doing it oh my god i’m doing it” thinking with every step “this is gonna be the last step of my life no this is gonna be the last step of my life no this…” and he gets to the front door it’s unlocked he opens it there’s a girl there by herself smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall ah he’s probably going “why am i alive” he’s probably thinking… he was inside for minutes for minutes running around he got tackled by an offduty officer he was probably thinking “i wanted to die i don’t want to go to fucking jail will somebody please shoot me” then he was probably pissed “where are my tax dollars going what kind of security are you fucking people running in this place” imagine when obama found out a girl was guarding him he was probably like “everybody everybody not that much diversity i mean what are you playing fucking fairy tale games here” obama’s got a hard job ’cause he’s the first president that’s ever been around while google was here you know he could google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night right “so let me see what the people have to say” he’d just go “obama is a…”  “i’m none of those fucking things” freakin’ out shit  probably thinking “why the fuck did i do this” i think the guy who broke into the white house and obama probably have a lot in common in that… they went for it but they probably never really thought they were getting in there you can’t quit once you’re the president the moment obama actually got into office like “good morning mr president” he was probably like “oh no what the fuck did i do this for i didn’t think i was actually gonna get in  i can’t sleep i’m freaking out everybody wants to kill me  who the fuck is guarding me” looks out in the hallway there’s a girl taking selfies that’d be the greatest selfie of all time a girl with her ass out duck lips in the background a dude’s breaking into the white house  you know i’m not making this up you’ve all seen this this is recognizable pigeontoed is a good move ’cause you can’t get away that good you just like… like there’s something wrong with your back that’s a recognizable pose when did that start ‘cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures ev',\n",
       "  'erybody just stood there looking hungry like if you saw a photo from the  and in the background a girl was going… she’s a fucking time traveler nobody knew that move back then somebody had to see their face “oh people like that they like what i’m doing” combo a twohole combo attractor it’s all over online it gets you a lot of likes i saw a gal on instagram she has eight million followers all she does is take pictures of her ass that’s it she’s got a winning formula she sticks with it no witty memes there’s no inspirational quotes mnhmnh mnhmnh just a lot of this different ways and she’s just a regular girl man i’m watching this i’m like “this is a different kind of person” she has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like she doesn’t have a job that they like she doesn’t have an occupation that they follow they’re just staring at her ass this is a new kind of human there’s never been a person psychologically that’s had to navigate those kind of waters if you really stop and think about it science should really step in and start looking at this don’t go to south america to study some new frog that nobody gives a fuck about there’s a girl in florida with eight million people staring at her ass how does this girl keep a relationship what is her day like how many dick pics does she get sent how many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis is it like the national debt counter was just fucking spinning out of control constantly i bet if she turns on the notifications her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her i bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone it would be physically lighter this is a new kind of person we really have to understand there’s never been a person like this before and she’s just a person like that kind of influence that kind of attractant that’s a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl and as a guy who has daughters i just think of that like that’s kind of fucking… that’s weird because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her i mean i follow her but i’m not like those other assholes i’m different i care i care about who she is i’m a nice person i’m a hero or something  “i’m different those other guys are assholes men are noble men are noble and true” mmm if we get to come if men don’t get to come we get real sméagollike real quick just a few months of no dates  “mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you mmm oh” everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one everybody wants to be matthew mcconaughey to save the world on a rocket ship there’s people that are signing up to go to mars do you know about this there’s a mission to mars a manned mission to mars where  people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on mars they’re gonna take a oneway trip to mars that’s some sad shit for a bunch of reasons first of all it’s some sad shit ’cause that’s  people that don’t have any real friends right if it’s someone you love your real friend… if one of my friends is gonna move to florida i’ll be like “bitch where the fuck are you going you’re gonna go to florida we can’t hang out if you go to florida why the fuck are you moving to florida man” but you might be able to deal with it “we can just visit each other every now and then” but if your friend was gonna move to mars you’d be like “oh really get in the fucking car just get in the car dude” take him out to death valley “look around sucks right mars sucks worse get back in the car stupid” jesus christ there’s places in america you can’t live man you don’t wanna live in detroit why the fuck are you talking about moving to mars people really consider moving to mars it’s one of the dumbest ideas ever but if you say that people will ecobro you have you ever been ecobroed these people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you as michael shermer likes to point out like puff their chest out and say that they’re probably better than you “hey dude seriously you think there’s something wrong with going to mars well i don’t know if you’ve paid attention man we maybe should colonize mars ’cause california’s almost out of water” then he’ll nod like “yeah bitch” we’re right next to the ocean what the fuck are you talking about look at all that water you fly over it it takes a day the world’s blue it’s more water than it is not water we have a salt problem we don’t have a water problem suck the salt out of the water we got a goddamn party instead of pissing and moaning… “too complicated bro we gotta go to neptune” oh my god you’re fucking crazy we’re a crazy race filled with crazy people we’re like a dude with a dirty house like “man i gotta build a new house” no you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen stop piling up newspapers you’re never gonna read in front of your bathroom you fuck we’re crazy oneway trip to mars a oneway trip in coach with three other people so fucking stupid they’re willing to die on mars with y',\n",
       "  'ou great what great conversation you’re gonna have it’s nonsense folks my friend was like “they’re not gonna die on mars man if people are smart enough to figure out how to get to mars they’re smart enough to figure out how to get back” here’s why that doesn’t make any sense people smart enough to get to mars aren’t going see that’s the dirty secret about rocket travel ladies and gentlemen nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those fucking things no no they look at each other right before the launch and they go… they talk german and they get behind giant fucking concrete bunkers they take some squarejawed cornfed dude from the middle of the country tuck a bible under that dude’s arm and strap him into that giant metal dick and shoot it off into the heavens that’s what we do and that is what that is that is a metal dick it’s a robot dick and we’re trying to fuck the sky we are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant and they’re too filled up with people and then they gotta make a new metal dick “bro we gotta go to jupiter” then they make another one they shoot that fucking thing and they fill jupiter up we just keep filling the cosmos up with people and we never evolve and we never change we stay perfect like we are right now who’s in you’re gonna all come with me we’re gonna leave here right now and go to the church of scientology right down the street and it’s all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it i watched that hbo documentary a couple too many times i went clear i think i think i’m clear i’m back i’m back now if you haven’t seen…  i had to watch going clear a scientology documentary ’cause i have a neighbor who’s a scientologist and i don’t even think he’s gay i don’t know what the fuck’s going on  but he sleeps really close to me you know like my bed’s here this fucking dude’s bed’s like over there his house is… i mean if you take away the walls he’s fucking right there it’s like “what does this crazy fuck believe” and scientology is a wonderful religion not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone that’s ever walked the face of the earth and not by a small amount this dude never made a second draft in his fucking life everything was one draft of nonsense and he wrote more of it than anybody not in his neighborhood not in his state not in a year not in a decade more than anyone that’s ever lived ever and scientology is still like “i don’t see any red flags i think we’re good i think this is legit as fuck” if scientology is a good religion it’s because other religions get to make fun of ’em it’s like it’s the one religion that even the mormons are like “bitch you believe what hold on i mean at least we don’t have video of joseph smith there’s some fucking shitty black and white footage of l ron hubbard with a captain’s outfit on you wanna explain that  why does he have all those awards on why is tom cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate what the fuck is going on with you people” i watched it with my mom and it was like… first of all scientology they don’t pay taxes that’s disturbing they’re taxfree which means they’re a recognized religion by the government of the united states which means the government of the united states had to go over what they believe and went “everything seems in order none of this shit seems like a cult” well what the fuck is a cult and what’s a religion so i had to look it up turns out… i don’t know who wrote this but it’s a perfect definition a cult is bullshit it’s created by one person that person knows it’s bullshit in a religion that dude’s dead so it’s a religion ’cause l ron hubbard’s dead so i guess they got it on a loophole i watched it with my mom and my mom was like “i can’t believe anybody would fall for that” “you made me go to catholic school the fuck are you talking about there was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne and you made me call him father slow your roll lady” imagine if i talked to my mom like that oh my god jokes folks just jokes i don’t have a problem with people being religious because i just think life itself is too openended it’s too confusing and i think we’re evolving and part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions we wanna seek these answers but in the meanwhile they just give you so much anxiety and it fucks with you so much there’s nothing wrong with joining a cult i think you gotta just join a nice friendly one like the mormons are a good cult here’s why they don’t get mad at anybody like they never kill anybody like here’s a perfect example matt stone and trey parker the guys who created south park they made a hilarious musical called the book of mormon it’s fantastic if you haven’t seen it it’s so fucking hilarious but it’s also brutal brutal about the mormons you know what the mormons did they went to see it and they took out a fullpa',\n",
       "  'ge ad in the playbill it said “if you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a mormon please visit our website” they just took it right on the chin like champs they didn’t get mad they didn’t get defensive they didn’t kill anybody that’s a good cult they just said “what do you wanna do” “we got nine wives shut the fuck up” “everybody just… everybody just chill just chill” that’s a good religion that’s a good cult some cults aren’t that good they get fucking testy you know the one we don’t have to say who you know what i’m talking about there’s that one that will kill you if you draw their guy “come on man i can’t even draw your dude what if i draw a dude drawing your dude” “no loopholes” “fuckin’ relax bro” and this isn’t just theoretical people have died ’cause they made cartoons before the most recent paris attacks there was a magazine called charlie hebdo and they were attacked where  cartoonists were killed eleven more were wounded and they killed a cop too fucking crazy over cartoons and when you… when there’s radical crazy people in the world what’s interesting is the reaction to radical crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weirdbecause when these people got killed over a cartoon the whole world was in shock the whole world was outraged but one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures you couldn’t see ’em in the la times you couldn’t find them in time magazine you had to go online and find them it was a dark moment for free speech because everybody’s like “oh i don’t wanna get killed i don’t wanna show the pictures” it was weird until… the balance because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures word got back to texas… where they promptly held a “draw muhammad” contest in garland texas i’m not making a word of this up you can google it and i’ll wait they had a “draw muhammad” contest in garland texas two dudes showed up started shooting at the building they were killed almost instantly why because they were at a “draw muhammad” contest in texas how obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious what are you livin’ in a wile e coyote cartoon motherfucker you ever go to texas that’s not santa monica bitch that’s a totally different kind of white people those are some wild west people that have computers and modern guns they’re not supposed to be there people didn’t evolve in texas it’s not like they were monkeys then they became people and they stayed in that spot no no they landed on boats on the east coast the stubborn ones stayed the smart ones made it to california but along the way we lost a bunch of people  and some of them just stuck around “y’all go ahead we’re gonna hang back here i’m gonna draw the biggest dick the world’s ever seen in the sand my wife’s got the biggest titties i’mma try to fuck a snake i think it can be done” they just stayed they just gathered cattle stockpiled ammo and they all talk alike and that’s why you gotta be nervous you gotta be nervous in places with accents okay it’s one of the reasons why i can prove that california is the best spot to live ‘cause all the spots that suck they all have to sound like each other ‘cause i grew up in a place like that i grew up in boston it’s not that the people in boston suck but the weather sucks it’s fucking horrible and in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning and just goes “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” and everybody’s worried about… it’s a real possibility you might starve to death one day you might freeze trying to walk home  so they all talk in the same way “oh my god how many more months till summer ahhh when is this fucking winter gonna be over we need more firewood”  they have to sound like the people around them so if other people invade like “we stick together we’re all in this together” that’s how they are in texas too they’re like “y’all ain’t from around here are ya” they have a fucking certain way of talking which is proof positive why california is the best spot try making fun of a california accent what are you gonna do speak clear and concise what are you gonna do you gonna mock us you’re gonna say some shit that everybody understands they’re not supposed to be in texas folks it’s not even a state it’s a republic they were like “man we ain’t so sure about this whole united states thing we’re gonna hang back hang back see how this plays out” they don’t have any rules they have like three pages of rule books here’s how i know this i’m gonna tell you a fact a fact about texas that will change the way you think about texas there are more tigers in captivity in texas in private collections than there are in all of the wild of the world i’m gonna repeat it because i know you’re like “oh the fear factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work” no there’s more tigers in dudes’ yards in texas than the rest of the fucking planet how is that possible because they can because they went through the rule book…  “it don’t say shit abou',\n",
       "  't tigers order it up dude order it up dude” one guy got a tiger and his neighbor’s like “shit i didn’t know we could get tigers” and he got two tigers and the first guy was like “i ain’t about to let this faggot outtiger me” and he opened up tiger world with his oil money we’re gonna need those people folks if the russians invade we can’t make fucking warrior babies with those chicks in marin county with fake asses and rubber lips okay we’re gonna need some real warrior genes we’re gonna need some women who wear nonironic daisy dukes they got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet and they yell out “chris kyle rest in peace” when you make ’em come we need those women if the russians come we gotta be ready think about the children think about the children while i get a sip this is super important ladies and gentlemen a lot of people are sleeping on…  imagine if i had real points oh jesus christ  i love you fuckers too man so excited to be here  i have kids and i lie to them i get high around ’em too people say you shouldn’t do that but they don’t see it they say you shouldn’t be intoxicated around your children well i’m not i’m high i call it “elevated” it’s a different thing the people who have a problem with that they don’t understand what getting high is like they think you’re gonna be to your kid like “who are you” what do you think what’s the worst thing that can happen if i’m a little high around my kid they’re gonna get extra hugs and daddy’s going to be paranoid about objects “look out don’t go there” that’s it plus i have cool conversations i have a sixyearold daughter man there’s not a lot of  man and  girl have in common other than the fact she’s my daughter and so our conversations are normally pretty boring but when i’m high i’m like “you know you call that thing your baby your doll you call it your baby but you know it’s not a baby right” “yeah i know it’s not a baby” “do you call it a baby because you’re the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you” “maybe” “okay that’s cool that’s cool give me a hug i love you”  it’s weird man it’s weird raising little people there’s some things that i didn’t expect one of the things i didn’t expect is you have to lie to them like you don’t have to lie to them about a lot of things but you have to lie to them about santa claus it’s just one of those things man ’cause it’s like a community you have to think about what your kid’s gonna tell other kids because when it comes to santa claus you don’t want your kid to be one of two things you don’t want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that santa claus is bullshit ’cause that kid’s an asshole but you don’t want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that santa claus is bullshit ’cause that kid’s a moron so you got… you got a little bit of… you’re like “oh no when do we do this when do we do this” and no one knows when to do it you just let the kids figure it out then they’re like “dad what the fuck” you’re like “aw… oh i missed the boat i missed the boat” nobody knows when to do it nobody can be honest about it they have little meetings and shit and i’m like “when do we tell ’em” this lady goes “when they’re ” they’re gonna be fucking by then i told her it was funny she didn’t believe me i’m like “oh i’m sorry i’m off by a year” that’s not as funny but it’s… i didn’t mean it but it’s this thing they want to keep the kids in the dark and they wanna pretend they’re the only one that’s teaching the kid this is a weird thing that people do they’re like “i teach my kids man i teach my kids” “eh… when you see ’em” but unless you’re some freak who homeschools your children in the forest your kid’s gonna go to school they’re gonna go to school and they’re gonna be in a class with  other kids the teacher only makes  bucks a year and she’s thinking about dick that’s all she’s thinking about she’s thinking about getting stuffed she’s a young fertile woman who loves kids and she’s writing on that chalkboard and the kids all huddle up and share information like “yeah what did your dad tell you your dad tell you that yeah my dad says santa claus is fucking bullshit okay you ever go near a chimney it’s that big what the fuck teacher’s coming play with blocks act stupid uh how does this work” they play dumb they play dumb they’re like little prisoners trying to figure their way out they make little papiermâché heads and pretend they’re napping they’re little humans they wanna run shit “who is these people telling us what to do are they being straight with us man what the fuck is going on” i knew the day my daughter knew that santa claus is bullshit she came home stared me down she was like maddogging me she took her book bag and just goes…  walked right up to the chimney looking at me “how the fuck” “dad have you ever met santa claus” “no honey i’ve never met him” “but you let him in the house” and there’s this moment… it was a moment where a sevenyearold has you at checkmate you’re like “oh shit” i don’t know whether to highfive her or to keep lying you wanna go “yeah you got me',\n",
       "  ' you got me you got me that’s bullshit no the big bang is real but this is bullshit” the big bang sounds even less real the problem is you have to be consistent if you’re teaching your kids nonsense you gotta teach ’em only nonsense you can’t mix nonsense in with like real stuff like my daughter will go like “how do birds fly” i go “birds have bones that are hollow so they’re really light then they have feathers which cover a large surface area and they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air see the air looks like it’s nothing right but it’s actually a bunch of gases that’s why the trees move when the wind blows the birds can manipulate that and go through  space” “whoa” “yeah nature is crazy” “yeah how does the fat man get through the little hole” “magic christmas magic now go to bed i’m trying to fuck your mom go to bed”  jokes folks just jokes can’t talk like that that’s how you make strippers you gotta be nice they’re little tiny people they’re adorable they don’t know anything yet you gotta teach ’em everything you can’t talk mean  kids are a lot like really fucking stupid people… in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room the most confident one just starts running shit they don’t have to have any more information they just have to be more confident if you get a bunch of dummies together they’re like “i don’t know what’s going on” “i don’t know what’s going on” “i fucking do i fucking do” the guy doesn’t have to have any extra data he just has to be the only one that’s confident and that’s what it’s like in school my daughter’s class has this fucking kid named debbie and every day it’s “debbie says…” oh fucking debbie says debbie says what you don’t think about that before you have kids not only are you gonna have kids but your kids are gonna make friends and then you have to make friends with the fucking parents of your kids and some of ’em are crazy my daughter’s like “debbie says adam and eve are the only two people in the world and all people came from them is that true”  and this is weird like you don’t know what to do right you want to be diplomatic you don’t want to cause problems at school but you gotta be honest and one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is “i don’t know” i’m like “sweetie i don’t know i don’t know if adam and eve is where people came from but nobody knows because no one from today is alive back then so it’s not something you can measure so it’s not something you can see so we don’t know but here’s what we do know you know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears” “yeah” “well some people have brains that are made out of dog shit and they get horny too and what happens is they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with it’s like the opposite of evolution and then they have a kid and their kid is fucked their kid is fucked and everybody wants to pretend it’s a level playing field there’s no level anywhere you look is an eagle and a salmon level does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle no the universe does not want even it wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement okay i’m gonna shut this light out and i’m gonna go fuck your mom right in the mouth all right” i don’t say these things i don’t say any of these things i was like “i don’t know maybe debbie’s right doesn’t make sense to me how would that work” “how would that work” “it wouldn’t work would it” adam and eve are the only two people they have kids and then where do all the other people come from i guess the kids just start fucking each other is that what happens mom fucks the kids or the… yeah exactly debbie’s parents they were at my house man for a cookout and the dude told me the earth’s  years old they’re young earth christians they’re sweet people by the way before i shit on them… i’m gonna shit on them but before i shit on them they’re sweet they’re really nice people i hug ’em every time i see ’em they’re really kind nice people but they just found a part of their brain they’re like “i have no use for this”  chucked that whole logic discerningreason part “this fucking thing’s confusing” they’re young earth christians which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the bible possible i’m like “how many people believe the earth is less than  years old” uh i looked it up there’s a recent gallup poll that said that  of america believes the earth is less than  years old  here’s why you shouldn’t be scared they can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls and when you factor that in you’re talking about a really small number ‘cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say “how old’s the earth” number one answer is “older than your mother’s pussy” and then they hang up number two answer is “fuck you” after that you start throwing numbers around and only  of those dummies were stupid enough to think the earth is  years old that’s debbie’s fucking parents so out of the people that answer polls… is it even  it might be  only  are that fucking stupid and that’s the  we should really be w',\n",
       "  'orried about we’re worried about the wrong  not that we shouldn’t be worried about the really rich greedy people we definitely should we should definitely worry about bankers and people who… they’re just stockpiling resources they could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else but they don’t they’d rather just pile up their gold  yeah that  is awful but there’s another  that freaks me the fuck out that no one’s talking about that’s the  who leave comments on youtube videos who the fuck are those freaks could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other i mean if jesus christ himself came back from the dead and had a youtube page the first comment would be “you ain’t shit without your dad pussy” these are monsters this is not a normal person’s response normal people don’t leave comments what a normal person does they watch a video they like it or they don’t like it that’s it it ends right there but what you’re dealing with is the process of racism and child abuse and neglect and shitty genes and the insane clown posse is playing they know all the words and they’re wafting up their farts and their cheez doodle fingers and like “an open letter to jennifer lopez… let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick here  ugh… dear jennifer don’t you think it’s about time you dress a little more classy what are your children gonna see when they see…” just fucking think of the meanest most biting shit that’s gonna cut it as if jennifer lopez has time in between eating diamonds and fucking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass but you know “let me check the youtube comments to see if my selfesteem’s on point oh” and you know who’s dumber than them me ‘cause i read their shit and i get mad i know they’re stupid i still get upset fuck this is the world folks this is the world we’re living in are we happy i’m not sure – is this what we wanted i don’t know –  no – no –  no – are you sure –  no why are you doing this what is this what are you doing are you fighting for freedom – what’s happening –  no are you white panthers what is this  life sucks – what are you saying –  life can kind of suck sometimes life can kind of suck maybe it’s how you’re livin’ it bitch “life can kind of suck” it’s the greatest time ever to be alive “yeah i’d live in the old days when you could die from crabs” it doesn’t get any better than today man so stupid “make america great again” it’s as good as it’s ever been what the fuck are you saying we have  everywhere when has it been better we have netflix when has it been better come on man stop it’s never been better this is as good as it’s ever been it’s just weird it’s just weird you gotta get your shit together bitch don’t blame the world god damn it damn it man and listen if you’ve seen any of this show and you said “i think some of the stuff you’re saying is really funny but i sense a lot of like macho posturing from you i sense a lot of like bullshit toughguy stuff” you’re totally correct and what it is is i live with all women okay and i’m becoming more of a bitch every day of my life and i just wanna say i’m not unhappy i’ve never been more happy in my life this is the happiest i’ve ever been but when you’re with all girls like you have all girls all the time you have to make little compromises you don’t think about it while it’s happening it’s like the rock doesn’t think about the water carving a path through it but eventually that fucking path is gonna get deep and when you’re with all people that are different than you they just go “hmm…” they just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence  they’ll just start poking at you it’s what people do it’s natural it’s just what people do if you live with people that all are on att and you’re on verizon they’re like “dude look at my bars make the switch come on over what are you a fucking democrat dude libertarian is where it’s at wake up join us” when you’re with all girls they just start… they constantly fuck with my manhood it’s like i’ll come home and some new thing is painted pink i’m like “why is this pink” “it looks better pink daddy” “it looks better pink daddy” and my wife’s like “i think they’re right” i’m like “oh… i see what the fuck is going on here it’s mutiny” they just chip chip chip away it’s like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles every day they steal two they just walk up to my stack… you can’t say shit you can’t say shit ’cause it’s only two marbles and you’re like “i still got all these marbles everything is gonna be okay i’ll deal with this eventually” but you’re not gonna deal with it every day two more marbles you never get those marbles back you see it comin’ you don’t do anything about it you’re like “i gotta go to sleep all right everybody stop crying i gotta go to sleep” and men don’t want to admit that “not me bro not me bro i’d rather just live in the woods by myself” what are you a fucking coldplay song huh what are you a character in a book you piece of shit no one’s hones',\n",
       "  't no one’s honest about how much we need other people that’s why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that don’t need people the people who just walk away from it all like “wow what a rebel” but in real life we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement so think about that you’re in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers and the worst shit they can do is leave you alone we’re fucking weird we are weird ’cause what we are really is we’re some weird superorganism that like needs each other in some sort of strange way but we’re all in denial “i’m kind of a loner” oh shut the fuck up there’s no such thing it’s not real every person in this room me included all of us we are all a calculation we’re all an ongoing onrunning calculation of all the interactions you’ve ever had with all the people that you’ve ever met and you do a bunch of things that people like and start doing more of that you’re like “i’ll do more of that” you find things that people don’t like you’re like “i’ll keep that shit to myself hmm i don’t like that feeling hmm” that’s what we do that’s what we do it’s weird we don’t want to admit it but that’s who we all are and i’m just telling you this because i’ve never been more of a bitch right now i have slowly but surely bent until i’m in this position this is how i’m riding out my days just like this “okay okay okay okay” but i’m also telling you right now that i’m not going out like bruce jenner oh that’s right politically correct san francisco here’s my take on this bruce jenner thing and you know everybody has their own… not really this is what everybody’s take is this is the take that you’re supposed to have “he’s always been a woman trapped in a man’s body” maybe definitely maybe definitely people are like that definitely there are people who were born in the wrong gender and am i saying they should stay their gender no who gives a fuck you should do whatever you wanna do you should be happy you should be free i don’t care what you do but… it’s also possible that maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough you become one that’s all i’m saying i don’t see this discussed it is entirely possible if you put a praying mantis on a leaf it becomes the color of the leaf why because it wants to live it wants to survive it wants to be accepted by its environment you show me a man who’s lived with the kardashians for ten years who didn’t come out a chick and then we’ll have some data okay ‘cause right now we lost a fucking american olympian and i want you to have some respect we’re down bruce jenner and i’ve got a close eye on kanye west and i don’t exactly like what i’m seeing  look at kanye west he’s a very talented young heterosexual man who starts a clothing line… he’s clearly jealous about taylor swift and he tweets like a cokedup stripper in the middle of the night you don’t see what i’m seeing we are watching the plot of a fucking stephen king book play out an american athletic hero moves in with a woman who’s made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone he breaks up with her she turns him into a chick the whole world tells him he’s beautiful you tell me you don’t see what i’m seeing you have to say… you have to say she’s beautiful “she’s beautiful” she’s not beautiful and neither am i look i look like a thumb with two thumbs okay you put me in a dress i’d be even more disgusting “beauty’s unusual” there’s a lot of cool shit that isn’t beautiful sixtyyearold dudes in skirts are on that list jesus fucking christ what kind of games are we playing here why are you lying to children that’s beautiful what are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose “is that beautiful too daddy explain” ahhh bang i can’t the world’s gone fucking bananas “what you’re saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive you should be embarrassed at what you’re doing you’re doing this just to get laughs at someone else’s expense” maybe or maybe bruce jenner lived with demons maybe they waited by the bed… until they knew he was in heavy rem sleep… so they could assume their true form  climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black raven’s claws clutched the edge of the bed and just… whispered in his ear   “bruce…  we would like you better if you were one of us” “ i can’t i can’t be one of you i was… i was born a man” “nonsense   nonsense bruce… you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth you’re free bruce…  your lips are too thin… for the cover of vanity fair” “huh what wait wait did you say the cover okay are you fucking with me because… you know the cover’s always been my dream” “it can be real  it can be real all dreams… can be real through surgery sleep”  thank you very much san francisco i had a great fucking time with you savages let’s take a selfie shit we got it putting together one of these fucking specials is stressful as shit i appreciate the fuck out of all you people being here tonight and i love you guys thank you very much'],\n",
       " ['armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit the former “snl” writer john mulaney offers sly takes on marriage his beef with babies and the time he met bill clinton all right petunia wish me luck out there you will die on august   that’s pretty good all right hello hello chicago nice to see you again thank you that was very nice thank you look now you’re a wonderful crowd but i need you to keep your energy up the entire show okay because… no no no thank you some crowds… some crowds they have big energy in the beginning and then they run out of places to go so… i don’t judge those crowds by the way okay we’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room we’ve all made a “happy birthday” sign… wait you get that poster board up and you’re like “i don’t need to trace it i know how big letters should be to begin with a bigass ‘h’ followed by a bigass ‘a’ and… oh no oh god okay all right real skinny ‘p’ with a high hump and then we’ll put the second ‘p’ below the hump of that first ‘p’ sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation and now i have no room for the ‘y’ so i’ll do a kind of curledup noodle ‘y’ block letters and cursive look good together” and then you go to write “birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “happy” you’re like “yeah but the past is the past bigass ‘b’ surely more letters will fit in the same space” you’re very friendly here in chicago i mean we’re all violent here but you’re very friendly no really and i don’t like confrontation ’cause i’ve never been in a fight before though maybe you could tell that from the first moment i walked out on stage i don’t give off that vibe some people give off a vibe of… right away they’re like “do not fuck with me” my vibe is more like “hey you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you” when i walk for real my feet go out like this i’m so open and vulnerable i look like a doll that you point out molestation on “show us on this white comedian where the man touched you” it’s been a while since i’ve been home to chicago i got married since then thank you i married my wife i love saying “my wife” it sounds so adult “that’s my wife” it’s great you sound like a person i said it even before we were married we were just dating and we were once getting on an airplane and anna’s ticket didn’t say anything and my ticket said “priority access” it doesn’t matter why but we were getting on and i said “uh can my wife board with me” and they were like “yes of course right this way” and i was like “oh that is so much better than all those times i was like ‘can my girlfriend come” and yeah i shouldn’t have said it that way but still “my wife” just has some kickass to it you know “get away from my wife no one talk to my wife” marriage is gonna be very magical “i didn’t kill my wife” that’s like “ooh who’s that fella i bet he did kill his wife” being married is so nice i never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself that’s not really a joke that’s just a little sweet thing i like to say ‘cause i’d been in relationships where i got cheated on like long ones i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on but it changes your whole worldview ‘cause when i was a kid i used to watch america’s most wanted you know how kids do and i would always think to myself “how could another person kill someone how could a human being kill another human being” and then i got cheated on and i was like “oh okay” “i’m not gonna do it but i totally get it” and i don’t mean in that way of like “no one else can have you” i don’t care about that it’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly they have a lot of information anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die i can’t have them roaming around i talked to a lot of people before i got engaged you know and i heard this expression about whether or not you should get married this is an old expression people say this they say “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” you ever heard that before it’s a bananas insulting expression… to an entire gender but also it makes no sense “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” you’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own that’s not even a situation was that a problem at one point like in the dairy community was that happening a hundred years ago in some village some dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like “ahhaha i take your milk” and the farmer was like “well then this is your cow now” and he was like “no no proof of purchase” and he ran off into the night that sounded dutch right you know what th',\n",
       "  'at… you know what that expression means it means “why would you marry a woman if she’s already having sex with you” which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore now it’s like “why buy the cow” uh maybe because every day the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it and… … you live in a really small apartment with the cow so you can’t avoid that question at all and also the cow is way better at arguing than you are and the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue “why buy the cow” uh maybe because every time another cow gets bought you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale and your cow looks over at you the entire time like… and does not enjoy the sale at all… even though she’s the one that wanted to go to the sale and she’s especially mad because that farmer and cow met like eight months after you guys met “why buy the cow” well let’s be real here you’re very lucky to have the cow that you do have “roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for john” by the most liberal of estimates there have been about eight cows total several unmilked and… a lot of people think that you like bulls and if you just bought… they assume it when you search your name the third thing to come up is like “john mulaney bull” and if you just bought the cow nobody would say that anymore they’ll still say it ‘cause there are those guys who they buy a cow and then on the side total matador but… but for real chicago why buy the cow let’s be real why buy the cow because you love her you really do and yeah yeah… sure she’s a bossy little jew but… … she takes care of you and you don’t wanna be some old man stumbling around like “hey you seen any loose milk” my wife is jewish she’s a new york jew i did it now i was raised catholic i don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me my wife is jewish i grew up catholic so we got married by a friend being married by a friend is a beautiful ceremony that alienates both families’ religions while confusing the elderly people at the wedding “what’s the name of the bishop” “that’s actually standup comedian dan levy he was the host of mtv’s your face or mine” i saw a lot of catholic weddings though because i was an altar boy… and a hush falls over the room isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing that was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends but now it’s like saying “i was a french maid for a period of time i was treated well in my day i worked for a variety of sirs” no being an altar boy was just a boring gig you know you’d serve mass and then you’d serve weddings sometimes my brother was once an altar boy at a wedding and he was standing there with another altar boy in this big packed church in chicago where we grew up and the bride was coming down the aisle and the organ was playing and all the pews were filled and the bride got all the way to the altar and the groom lifted the veil off of the bride and right at that moment the other altar boy said “aw she’s ugly” and then they looked and they were right next to the video camera and i know that’s awful but wouldn’t you give a million dollars to see that wedding video it was the best moment of this stupid woman’s life and she’s walking down the aisle and the organ’s like… and she gets all the way to the altar to her betrothed and he unveils her to the world and to the eyes of god and right at that second for no reason at all some cheetofingered ratmustached  prick decides to go “aw she’s ugly” hopefully the videographer knew some sound editing so he could fix it to be like “aw she’s beautiful she’s enchanting” i grew up catholic i don’t go to church anymore but i went on christmas eve with my parents ’cause you know how you lie to your parents so… we go into the church and i was like “i got this under control” and then i got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit no i was going through mass and i was batting like  and then in the middle of mass the priest said “peace be with you” and everyone said “and with your spirit” and i was the one  asshole going “and also with you what huh what huh what when when” for those of you that aren’t catholic i don’t mean to exclude you even though we love to exclude you but… there’s a part in church where the priest says “peace be with you” and for many many years we all said… – “and also with you” – very good but they changed it to “and with your spirit” because that’s what needed revamping in the catholic church that was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease in rome they were like “let’s see what problems can we solve problem one no” i’',\n",
       "  'm actually glad they changed that though i never liked “and also with you” i always found that clunky “and also with you” that’s not how you talk – “have a nice day” – “and also you having one” it’s just a little bit wrong isn’t it it’s just a little off like when someone’s like “how are you” and you’re like “nothing much” and it sort of makes sense never begin a sentence with “and also” you just immediately sound caught offguard it sounds like if at the first church ever like they weren’t expecting it like the priest was like “hey this is the first time we’ve ever had church i just wanna say ‘peace be with you” and they were like… “what oh uh yeah and also you should have some” “hey that’s good let’s keep that for  years and then change it to trick john” my wife and i don’t have any children we have a dog we have a little puppy named petunia she’s a tiny little french bulldog puppy i like having a puppy that’s a bulldog ’cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma her body is young her face is as old as time she definitely saw the nazis march into paris she always gives me this look of like “oh the things i have seen you cocksucker you have no idea the gestapo threw my printing press into a river but go tell your fucking jokes bring me my dish” she said that petunia… petunia is my best friend in the world i give her a million kisses a day she does not like me and barks at me and bites me all day long we had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because petunia is a bad dog we tell her that every day we go “hey you’re bad at being a dog” so the trainer came into the apartment sorry didn’t even walk into the apartment walked into the threshold and went “oh okay” like she was an exorcist or something she said “i see what the problem is” she said “petunia has become the alpha of the house” and then she pointed at me she said “you are no longer the alpha of the house” and in the back of my head i was like “i was never the alpha of the house” i turned to my wife i was like “let’s pretend it’ll be fun yes… my title of alpha which i once had how can i reclaim it because that was a thing that existed at one time” she said “you need to show dominance over your puppy” these are things people say to me i said “how do i do that” she said “well let me ask you this who eats dinner first you or petunia” i was like “petunia eats dinner first she eats dinner at  pm ’cause she’s a foot long and two years old” she said “no you need to eat dinner first because the king eats before anyone else eats” oh yes and what a mighty king i will be eating dinner at  in the afternoon “look upon your sovereign petunia and tremble my lands stretch across this entire one bedroom and i eat dinner whenever i choose as long as it works for the schedule of a dog” she said “now you don’t actually have to eat dinner before petunia you just have to convince petunia that you’ve already eaten” so… for the past month i shit you not… before my wife and i give petunia her dish we take down empty bowls and spoons and in front of her we go “mmm dinner mmm good dinner” like we’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote but they didn’t work that hard on “mmm we’re eating dinner” meanwhile petunia’s just staring at us with her paul giamatti face like… “you’re not eating dinner cocksucker dish now” i have a wife and a dog and we just bought a house we have a new house it was built in the ’ but it was flipped in  which means it’s haunted but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash actually we didn’t buy a house a bank bought a house and i’m allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while i pay it off for  years the woman from the bank came over and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for  years and she said “so for instance this is what you’ll pay in july of ” and i burst out laughing i was like “ that’s not a real year by  i’ll be drinking moon juice with president jonathan taylor thomas i’m not gonna be writing you a paper check” i like having a house but i loved looking for a house ’cause i love real estate agents i mean they are the true heroes they really are have you ever watched hgtv real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives every episode of hgtv is like “craig and stacia are looking for a twostory aframe that’s near craig’s job in the downtown but also satisfies stacia’s need to be near the beach which is nowhere near craig’s job with three children and nine on the way and a max budget of … let’s see what lori jo can do on this week’s episode of you don’t deserve a beach house” i loved our real estate agent i',\n",
       "  't was so fun to hang out with her it was like hanging out with my mom ‘cause you know real estate agents always look like your mom and they have various chico’s accoutrements they always have kind of fun mom energy and they’re always “so excited to see you two” we would have little conferences before we walked into a house she’d go “let’s talk let’s talk before we go in” we’re like two feet from the door “so there’s no toilets and i know that was on your list but i think i can get him to budge let’s go” so we’d have a real estate agent and then like the house would have a real estate agent who’s just some guy sitting in a big chair and these two always hated each other they’d be like “hi tony” “hi kim” it’s like “jesus christ what were you two in the eagles together what is the animosity about” our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives more than anyone in our family she hinted about it constantly every room she walked into she’d be like “so this could be an office” “or maybe a nursery” “yeah no like we said we don’t know if we’re gonna have… ” “no no i know i know you know you don’t know if you’re gonna have ’em but you know you know you never know sometimes you don’t know what’s gonna happen and then… you know something happens” “well yeah that’s how all of life works” “okay all right okay uhhuh mmm this is an onfire garbage can could be a nursery” she showed me a backyard once she goes “i don’t even like this backyard for you” i was like “oh do tell” she said “it’s all pavement i think you should have some grass out there you know in case you have a couple… little guys… running around in the grass” and i got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids i was like “hey lady i went outside about as much as powder from the movie powder my children are not gonna be playing out on grass they will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles these are my children and that’s my wife” i didn’t mean to make it sound like we don’t want children we don’t but i didn’t mean to make it sound like that see i just don’t think babies like me very much sometimes babies will point at me and i don’t care for that shit at all like i’ll be on an elevator and a baby will be there in its big like stroller activity tray just like working on one cheerio with bobby fischerlike intensity and it’ll look up at me and go… i like to lean in and go “stop snitchin’ motherfucker” and then walk off ‘cause you’re never too young to learn our national nosnitching policy my friends have babies and i don’t do so well with them i had a runin with a twoyearold girl i know there are better ways to start that story but… my friend jeremy has this twoyearold girl and i really like her she’s a sweet kid i really like his daughter a lot but i was over at his family’s house for the fourth of july and he had his daughter on his knee and it was a very lovely day his whole extended family was there and he was bouncing his twoyearold up and down and he pointed at me and he said to his twoyearold “do you know who that is that’s your uncle john” and i was like “oh my god that’s so sweet i’m her uncle john” and then the baby pointed at me and said “uncle john has a penis” i thank you for laughing because no one did that day fell deadly silent is what they all did hey do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says “he has a penis” no i’m asking ’cause i don’t know what to say in that situation here’s what i went with that day i said “oh come on” i don’t know i thought that’d be good but then it just made it worse ’cause it sounded like the baby and i had an arrangement not to talk about it and she had violated my trust like the baby had been like “do you have a penis” and i was like “yes i do but you’re a baby so discretion is key” and then the next day she goes “he has a penis” and i go “oh come on someone can’t keep a secret” luckily jeremy’s wife saved the day the baby’s mom saved the day she came in and she picked up the baby and she was like “it’s okay she’s just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot” aren’t we all and by the way it would’ve been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina like if a grown woman had walked in the room and the baby had been like “she has a vagina” the woman could be like “yes i do and it’s magnificent” and we would all be like “hooray you are brave” no one wants to applaud the penis of a  weirdo it’s fun to be married i’ve never been supervised before i’m supervised she studies what i do like an anthropologist she’ll be like “sometimes he will watch a ',\n",
       "  'movie on tv even though he already owns that movie on dvd pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him” i had no supervision when i was a kid we were free to do what we wanted but also with that no one cared about kids i grew up before children were special i did very early ’ right before children became special like i remember when milk carton kids became a thing when they were like “hey we should start looking for some of these guys i don’t think they’re just blowing off steam” no one cared about my opinion when i was a little kid no one cared what i thought sometimes people would say “what do you think you’re doing” but that just meant “stop” they didn’t actually wanna know my thought process they didn’t want me to be like “well i was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs so that when i lit off the bottle rocket the eggs would explode everywhere” “oh well that’s very interesting and what brought you to this experiment” “oh well thank you for asking well… you know how i’m filled with rage i’m so horny and angry all the time… and i have no outlet for it so… eggs” your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either it matters in college college is just your opinion just you raising your hand and being like “i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian” and they’re like “partial credit” and that’s a whole thing but in elementary school it doesn’t matter what you think it just matters what you know you have to have answers to questions and if you say “i don’t know” you get an x on your test and you get it wrong and that’s not fair ’cause your brain has never been smaller also that’s not how life works i’m in my  now if you came to me now and you were like “hey john name three things that the stamp act of  accomplished” i’d go “i don’t know get out of my apartment” you know but when you’re a little kid you can’t say “i don’t know” you should be able to that should be an acceptable answer on a test you should be able to write in “i don’t know i know you told me but i have had a very long day i am very small and i have no money so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under” or if it’s one of those true or false questions you should be able to add a third option which is “who’s to say” kids are much more supervised now but also they have a lot of rights like that’s the biggest civil rights increase i’ve seen in my lifetime the rights of children have gone through the roof i had no rights when i was a little kid i remember one time i walked into a supermarket by myself and i walked in through the double doors and the woman behind the register just looked at me and she went “no” and i went “all right” and i turned around and left that’s how broken i was and there weren’t special things for kids the way there are now like we would just go see movies any movie like back to the future that was a movie everyone could see kids could kinda see it great movie right i rewatched it recently it’s a very weird movie marty mcfly is a  high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist and i shit you not they never explain how they became friends they never explain it not even in a lazy way like “hey remember when we met in the science building” they don’t even do that and we were all fine with it we were just like “what who’s his best friend a disgraced nuclear physicist all right proceed” what a strange movie to sell to be a family movie two guys had to go in and do that they had to be like “okay… we got an idea… for the next big familyactioncomedy all right it’s about a guy named marty and he’s very lazy he’s always sleeping late” “okay is he cool like ferris bueller” “no but he does have this best friend who’s you know a disgraced… nuclear physicist” “i’m confused here this best friend this is another student” “no no no no this guy’s either like  or  even we don’t know how old this guy’s supposed to be but one day the boy and the scientist they go back in time and they build a time machine whoa” “okay i think i see where you’re going here they build a time machine and they go back in time and they stop the kennedy assassination” “ah oh wow that’s a really good idea i mean we didn’t even think of that” “all right well what do they do with the time machine” “well now i’m embarrassed to say ah well all right all right all right we thought… we thought it would be funny you know if the boy if he went back in time and you know he tried to fuck his mom” “i don’t know we thought that’d be fun for people but no good point no he doesn’t get to he doesn’t get to ‘cause this family friend named biff he comes in and he tries to rape the mom in front of the son ',\n",
       "  'the dad’s gotta beat the rapist off of her and also we’re gonna imply that a white man wrote ‘johnny b goode’ so we’re gonna take that away from ’em” “well this is the best movie idea i have ever heard in my life we’re gonna make three of them now you say they go to the past how about we call it back to the past” “no no no back to the future” “right but they go to the past” “yeah” kids have it very good now my friend’s a teacher she told me that uh… the parents will take the kids’ side over the teacher now that’s insane that never happened my parents trusted every grownup… more than they trusted me i don’t mean coaches and teachers any human adult’s word… was better than mine any hobo or drifter could have taken me by the ear up to my front door and been like “excuse me your kid bit my dick” and my mom would be like “john edmund mulaney did you bite this nice man’s dick” and i would be the only one who’s like “hey doesn’t anyone wanna know why… his dick was near my biters… in the first place isn’t anyone curious… as to how i had access” don’t get me wrong my parents love us they just didn’t like us we weren’t friends people are now like “my mom’s my best friend” i was like “oh is she a super bad mom” my parents didn’t trust us and they shouldn’t have trusted us we were little goblins we were terrible i remember one time we were going to this resort for a vacation when we were little kids three weeks before we went to the resort my dad sat us down and he said “all right we’re going to a resort and i’ve just been informed that the man who owns the resort only has one arm” and we were like “oh yes yay yes” “now i’m telling you three weeks in advance so that you will not freak out when you see that he only has one arm” “oh we’re gonna freak out so bad” “yes john you have a question” “how did he lose his arm” “that’s exactly what you won’t ask” and then i did ask i went into the kitchen one day and i was like “so how’d you lose your arm” and he was like “well i was born with only one arm” and i was like “nah” no my parents loved us it’s just like they were the cops you know and we were criminals so we didn’t get along we only got along in that way that like cops will sometimes be chummy with criminals like when my dad and i would talk it was like that scene in the movie heat when robert de niro and al pacino sit down in that diner we kind of had that rapport of like “hmm we’re not so different you and i you have your law practice and me i have all these fucking markers” “i guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way” my dad would respect it if i could get away with breaking a rule we had a rule in our house you were not allowed to watch tv on a school night so every school night i would  be watching tv and i would hear my dad coming i would immediately turn the tv off and grab any book magazine periodical anything and i’d open it and pretend to be doing homework my dad would walk in the room and he would go “what are you doing are you watching tv” and i’d go “no man i’m not watching tv” and the tv wouldn’t even be dark yet it would still have like a neon green halo around it it’d be sizzling like a glass of pepsi and i would look my dad in the eyes and go “no i’m just reading this yellow pages” my dad loved us he just didn’t care about our general happiness or selfesteem i remember one time we were really little kids i have two sisters and a brother and all four of us were in our family car ride for three hours going to wisconsin my dad was driving going down the highway in our white van with wood around the side ‘cause you remember when you wanted your car to be made of wood you remember that era where we were like “how much wood can we get on this car… without it catching on fire” but then the big announcement “we here at plymouthchrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood safely on the outside of your car for all those times you’ve looked at your minivan and thought ‘huh it needs a belt” so we’re going on the highway we’ve been on the road for three hours and in the distance we see a mcdonald’s we see the golden arches and we got so excited we started chanting “mcdonald’s mcdonald’s mcdonald’s mcdonald’s” and my dad pulled into the drivethru and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving and you know as mad as that made me as a little kid in retrospect that is the funniest thing i have ever seen in my entire life how perfect is that he had a vanload of little kids and he got black coffee the one thing from mcdonald’s no child could enjoy my dad is coldblooded he once shushed a kid during lion king on broadway that ac',\n",
       "  'tually happened we were at lion king on broadway and there was a fiveyearold behind us going “look it’s pumbaa look it’s timon” and my dad turned around and said “are you going to talk the entire time” he’s my hero the weirdest thing when i was a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed they scared us about it constantly and i’ve been on tour this year… marijuana is legal in  or  states in some form or another it’s insane yeah well… all right don’t “whoo” if you’re white it’s always been legal for us come on sir we don’t go to jail for marijuana you silly billy when i was arrested with a onehitter at a rusted root concert i did not serve hard time i think i got an award eighteen or  states and by the way i agree it’s a very good thing but it’s also a really weird thing because this is the first time i’ve ever seen a law change because the government is just like “fine” you know i’ve never seen it before like gay marriage and healthcare we have to battle it out in the supreme court and be like “gay people are humans” and they’re like “we’ll think about it” but with weed it was just something we wanted really badly and we kept asking them for  years like “excuse me” and then suddenly the government became like cool parents and they’re just like “okay here take a little we’d rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else… blah blah blah blah blah” those stupid parents and that’s a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly it would be on our sitcoms we’d be watching saved by the bell we’d be having a great old time and then suddenly a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed and the episode would stop cold in its tracks and they’d always hold the joint… the bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way they’d always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint like it’s a skull in a shakespeare play and now it’s legal and that is great news unless you’re a weed dealer and then it is terrible news and i don’t just mean because they’re about to lose out to amazoncom i more feel bad for weed dealers ’cause they’re about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product and we don’t show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products like when the chinese food delivery guy comes we don’t let him hang out after he’s delivered the chinese food and we don’t look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls we’re hanging out with… to try to preserve the relationship and we definitely don’t give him some of the chinese food he’s never like “hey can i get in on those dumplings” and we’re like “yeah we’re all friends” what are you on your phone hey vneck hey – what’s your name – sam sam cool what do you do to afford vnecks sam typing numbers ah… numbers the letters of math i’m sorry to bother you i don’t mean to single you out i hate when people get pulled out of the audience like are you familiar with the cirque du soleil sam they’re a group of french assholes that are slowly taking over america by humiliating audience members one by one we once went to see cirque du soleil at navy pier when i was a kid and my brother came and he was  years old you remember being  when you’re like “no one look at me or i’ll kill myself” and these french bastards come into the crowd being like “le volunteer” and they pulled my brother up on stage and i was like “no” and they brought him up and they reached into his sweatshirt and they were like… and they had planted a bra and they pulled out a bra and they were like… and everyone at navy pier was like “ah ha ha ha ha” and my brother was like “that’s great” i have had other jobs besides comedy i was an office temp for a while i really miss that i loved being a temp because i would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week and then you just get to retire like lou gehrig you’re like “thank you no one will ever see me again” and they’re like “goodbye” i worked at an office once on  street in new york city i was there for a couple weeks i was in a cubicle next to this other cubicle this woman named mischa sat in the other cubicle i want to get the number right i think mischa had… about  photos of her daughter up in her cubicle almost like she was trying to solve a conspiracy about her daughter a beautiful mindstyle i think about mischa two times a week… because of a phone call she had next to me one day it was one of my first days and i was sitting next to her and her phone rang and this was her call and i’m quoting her phone rang and she said “hello hush” and then she hung up think about that t',\n",
       "  'wo times a week and i didn’t know her well enough by then to be like “hey what kind of a person are you” you know who could she have been talking to “hello hush” this was a place of business my only thought was that it was the ceo of the company being like “mischa help i’m doing a crossword puzzle i need a fourletter word for ‘be quiet’ right now” – “hush” – “you’re promoted” i temped at a little web company on  street in new york city it was a small web company owned by this old man who was old old old money new york his name was henry j finch iv like old old old money like his money was in molasses or something he owned this web company i have no idea why he owned this web company i think he won it in a rich man’s game of dice and small binoculars or something mr finch wore linen suits he had suspenders he had a bow tie he had a hat he had a cane with an ivory handle i’m giving you more description than you need ’cause i need you to believe me this was a real person i knew in the  century mr finch was in his  he had an assistant named mary she was in her  she was korean i don’t know why he had an assistant he did not need one unless he needed someone to be like “remember mr finch at five o’clock you need to keep looking like a hardboiled egg” one day mr finch came into the office it had been raining everything i’m about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon mr finch walked into the office and he was wearing a raincoat he was wearing a rain hat and he had his cane and he walked in and he said and i’m quoting “ah one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet and when one feels like a duck one is happy” and then mary yelled “ooh ducklings” to which mr finch replied “too old to be a duckling quack quack” and then walked into his office i think about that every goddamn day i mean imagine you’re me you’re a  temp and you’re so hungover and you just wanna die every day and then that happens in front of you and i don’t know gives you hope and i did that a little fast let me break that conversation down for you mr finch walked in and he began a conversation the way anyone would “ah” “one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet” the rain “and when one feels like a duck one is happy” now that’s debatable but rather than debate that point mary brought up a new separate but interesting point… which was “ducklings” but mr finch ever the realist about his own age and mortality… said “ah too old to be a duckling” as if to say “my duckling days are behind me mary don’t you see i’m a duck now and to prove it… well i’ll say just about the most famous catchphrase a duck has… ‘quack quack” and i knew right at that moment by the way that it meant nothing to mr finch what he had said crazy people are like that they have unlimited crazy currency like if i had gone into his office a couple weeks later and been like “hey finch you remember that time you were like ‘too old to be a duckling quack quack’” he would just be like “ah perhaps i did quack but such is life for an old knickerbocker like me” like he’d say something else crazy that’s the wonderful thing about crazy people you know is that they just have unlimited currency the things they say mean nothing to them but they mean everything to me i was once walking into penn station in new york i was walking down  street towards eighth avenue i’m walking down  there’s this woman standing at eighth and  i have my little roller suitcase you can all imagine i’m walking towards her she’s smoking a cigarette that is not lit anymore she’s watching me walk kind of scanning me up and down as if she had terminator vision… where she could see little bits of data like “little honky ass” and could read information as i walked past her she said this to me i walked past her and she said and i’m quoting “eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs” very dirty yes a very upsetting thing to hear yes i’m sorry you all had to hear that but at least you all got to hear it as a group i was alone out there that afternoon and she said this totally unprompted “eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs” it wasn’t like i had paused in front of her and been like “what should i do with my life” so i walk away from her with this todo list and i like structure i like a todo list it did dawn on me that that list of things does get better as it goes along when you really think about it ‘cause it starts in a pretty rough place it starts with just about the worst task a todo list can start with but by the end you have your own small business and isn’t that the american dream when all’s said and done that if you eat enough ass and suck enough dick one day you',\n",
       "  ' can sell drugs imagine you did all that to sell drugs and then they legalize drugs and you were like “but i…” this has been a real thrill to perform here by the way i just wanna say that in all sincerity thanks for coming to this really really appreciate it i wanna tell you one more story before i get out of here about the night i met a guy named bill clinton now i don’t… some of you know who that is for those of you that don’t he was president of the united states from  until  and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared emperor of the united states of america now i know you know who bill clinton is but i was doing a show at a college and i mentioned bill clinton and like they kind of didn’t know who he was like sorry they knew the name right but they only knew this  bill clinton who’s a very different bill clinton have you seen his ass lately what the hell is he trying to pull he’s all thin now and he wears these little tight suits and he’s got these grandpa reading glasses like “hey i can’t do nothing to nobody no more” “oh me i’m just an old old man i don’t have the appetites” you know and he’s always flying around the world with bill gates trying to cure aids that is not the bill clinton that we all signed up for  years ago our bill clinton was like a big fat buddy garrity from friday night lightslooking guy who played the saxophone on arsenio and his work in the std community was not in curing anything at that time that was the man we all elected president that was the bill clinton that i met i got to meet bill clinton when he was governor clinton in  when he was first running for president and i got to meet bill clinton because my parents had gone to the same college as bill clinton they’re a little younger but they went to the same college so when he was first running for president he would have all these big like alumni fundraisers and everyone who went was invited to go now this was really cool for a couple reasons one i got to meet bill clinton but two i got to watch my parents watch someone they went to school with become the president and that is super funny to see ’cause think about some of the people you went to school with now imagine they’re becoming the president imagine sam was becoming the president it would stir up strong emotions and my parents had very different opinions on bill clinton my mom loved bill clinton ’cause bill clinton was always a really charismatic handsome guy i mean think about how many women he got in the  when he looked like frank caliendo doing john madden now… imagine him as a college student and my mom tells me that there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then where late at night if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home that sounds good right so my mom tells me that bill clinton would be out in front of the library every single night… just being like “hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home” and one night my mom was leaving the library and bill clinton was like “hey can i walk ya home” and my mom was like “hell yes” so… this is absolutely true my mom little ellen stanton walked arminarm with bill clinton to her dorm and she was like “you know i wanted to invite him up for a beer” and i was like “thanks i’m nine” but… her roommate was upstairs so she lost her chance with bill clinton now my dad on the other hand hated bill clinton because my parents were dating during this time and also my dad’s a much more morallyupright conservative kind of guy he always told me that he hated it in college that bill clinton could quote “get away with anything” can you imagine how he felt later so one day this invitation arrives for a fundraiser where you could meet bill clinton my mom opens it first and she goes “oh we have to go we have to go see bill” and without looking up at her my dad just says “why it’s not like he’s gonna remember you” one black coffee same motherfucker so my mom says “fine i’ll go and i’ll take john” and i was like “hell yeah” and i slid in the room in my first communion suit ready to go ‘cause i loved bill clinton i was ten years old if you were a kid when bill clinton was first released it was the most exciting thing ever we’d never seen a cool politician before and he would go on mtv and he’d have cool answers to kids’ questions they’d be like “governor what’s your favorite food” and he’d be like “i don’t know fries” and we’d be like “yay we eat fries” i learned to play his campaign song on the piano it was “don’t stop” by fleetwood ma',\n",
       "  'c… from rumours an album written by and for people cheating on each other he let us know who he was right away so i went with my mom as her date… to reconnect with governor bill clinton we walked into the ballroom it was a big hotel ballroom it was the palmer house hilton big hilton hotel ballroom walked into the ballroom it was packed with people it’s actually the ballroom from the end of the movie the fugitive remember so that ballroom so my mom and i walk in it’s packed with people the… sorry the end where harrison ford as dr richard kimble bursts in to confront dr charles nichols right okay so that ballroom so my mom and i walk in it’s packed with people why does kimble confront nichols well i know we all know this but… no no but but but… kimble he found out that nichols along with devlin macgregor and lentz who has mysteriously died they had hired frederick sykes the onearmed man to kill kimble kimble’s wife wasn’t even the target i know we all know this but they were gonna kill kimble because he wasn’t gonna approve certain liver samples to pass  so kimble finds out about all of this and of course he’s furious and he bursts into the ballroom and he goes “you switched the samples” and dr nichols is like “ladies and gentlemen my friend dr richard kimble” what accent did that guy have by the way he goes “you switched the samples and you doctored your research so that you could have provasic” anyway so it’s that ballroom so we walk into that ballroom it was packed with people it was packed with people a real who’s not of chicago celebrities walter jacobson was there walter jacobson was the local fox anchor he’d do fun things where he’d go undercover as a homeless person and he’d be like “oh what time is the soup” and they’d be like “man you’re walter jacobson” he was there everybody and on the far side of the ballroom under a spotlight we saw a little bit of silver hair and it was him… bill clinton the comeback kid but he was surrounded by reporters and photographers and secret service so what are you gonna do well if you’re my mom you ball up the back of my sport coat and you push me forward like a human shield and then you start jogging while yelling “this tenyearold boy has to meet the next president of the united states” kind of implying that i might be dying my feet were not on the ground she was swinging me like a snowplow i was just mowing down fat chicago democrats i pushed past all the reporters i pushed past all the photographers we pushed past all the secret service we land at bill clinton’s feet bill clinton turns looks at my mom and says “hey ellen” ’cause he never forgets a bitch ever my mom melts she goes “hi bill” then it is revealed that she has no plan so… she pushes me towards clinton and she goes “this is my son john and he’s also going to be president” and i was like “what the hell are you talking about i’m not gonna be president” and i know now that i’m definitely never gonna be president not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly based on my tenyearold memory bill clinton is about  feet tall and he leaned down because well i was wearing this button that i bought outside the fundraiser it was a cartoon button of george h w bush and it had a quail flying over his head and it was shitting on his head and it said “birdbrained” and i thought it was very funny and bill clinton leaned down so that only i could hear and he said “hey man i like your button” and i said “you can do whatever you want forever” and he took my advice and… it was the best night of my entire life and i got home that night… i got home that night and my dad was still awake like reading angry under one lamp just like… and i went up to him and i went “hey i’m gonna be a democrat” “and i’m gonna vote for bill clinton” and without looking up at me my dad just said “you have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair” you know how you talk to a child so here’s the end of that story that was  let’s flash forward five years to  it is now  i am a sophomore in high school bill clinton is in his second term as president and on the morning that the monica lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover of the new york times it had been on the drudge report and then it was on the cover of the new york times that morning i wake up to the newspaper hitting me in the face i am a teenager asleep in bed and the newspaper hits me in the face and falls open on my stomach and i open my eyes to see my dad standing there dressed for work and he says “the other shoe just dropped” and then my dad went in to work to find out that his law firm had been hired to defend bill clinton good night c'],\n",
       " ['introfade the music out let’s roll hold there lights do the lights thank you thank you very much i appreciate that i don’t necessarily agree with you but i appreciate very much well this is a nice place this is easily the nicest place for many miles in every direction that’s how you compliment a building and shit on a town with one sentence it is odd around here as i was driving here there doesn’t seem to be any difference between the sidewalk and the street for pedestrians here people just kind of walk in the middle of the road i love traveling and seeing all the different parts of the country i live in new york i live in a– there’s no value to your doing that at all “the old lady and the dog”i live– i live in new york i always– like there’s this old lady in my neighborhood and she’s always walking her dog she’s always just– she’s very old she just stands there just being old and the dog just fights gravity every day just– the two of them it’s really– the dog’s got a cloudy eye and she’s got a cloudy eye and they just stand there looking at the street in two dimensions together and– and she’s always wearing like this old sweater dress i guess it was a sweater when she was like ’” but now it’s just like this sweater and her legs are– her legs are a nightmare they’re just white with green streaks and bones sticking out her legs are awful i saw a guy with no legs wheeling by and he was like “yecch no thank you “i do not want those “i’d rather just have air down here like i have than to look down at that shit” i see these two all the time and i always look at them and i always think “god i hope she dies first” i do i hope she dies first for her sake because i don’t want her to lose the dog i don’t think she’ll be able to handle it if she dies– if the old lady dies first i’m not worried about the dog because the dog doesn’t even know about the old lady this dog is aware of three inches around his head he’s living in twosecond increments the second he’s in and the one he just left is all he knows about but if he dies this lady she’s gonna be destroyed because this dog is all she has and i know he’s all she has because she has him there’s no– if she had one person in her life she would not keep this piece of shit little dog even if just some young woman in her building one morning were to say “good morning gladys” she’d be like “good” and just flush him down the toilet just– poom poom the dog just keeps bumping on the drain poom “” she gives up ends up just shitting on her dog for the rest of her life ppp poom “my daughter likes fish”you ever flush a pet down the toilet i had to flush my daughter’s fish down the toilet i came home the fish was dead she wasn’t home from school yet so i just flushed the fish and that’s a weird moment too ’cause fish live in water so you put it in the toilet floats to the bottom like “yeah he’s dead” and then you flush and it looks like he goes “wait a second aw shit “i was taking a nap jesus “you gotta be in constant motion to get any respect in this house” and then my daughter comes home “why did he die da–” come on what am i gonna say why did he die because who gives a shit that’s the reason that’s the actual reason is because didn’t matter that he was alive that’s why he’s dead he didn’t know his name and he didn’t love you back these are the facts about that fish’s life my daughter likes fish we took her to the aquarium i took both my kids to the aquarium in boston and we were looking at this seal or sea lion i don’t know which one i don’t care i don’t think they need to be separate things i really don’t they don’t care and we don’t care there’s like three scientists who give a shit what we call all those things the scientists could go on tv tomorrow and say “ok ',\n",
       "  'everybody “from now on seals and sea lions and walruses and–you know what–penguins are all seals now” and we would all be like “yeah all right fine yes whatever man” anyway so we’re looking at this sealsea lion thing and he’s looking back at us through the plexiglas and he’s going– they’re really disgusting in person most animals are when you really see them you ever go to a farm you think you’re gonna see little white sheep going “baa” but they’re all fat and shitcolored and they’re like– jesus that thing is awful anyway seals don’t go– they go– my daughter’s like “what is he saying” i don’t know “i’m a slave kill me” “the food chain”must be awful to be other kinds of stuff you know i’m glad i’m this this is a pretty good deal when you consider the alternatives anything else any other kind of thing you’re in the food chain you’re in the food– we are out of the food chain i don’t know if we fully appreciate the fact that we got out of the food chain that is a massive upgrade because for every other living thing life ends by being eaten that’s how all life ends is– every single life except human life every life ends like this aah aah aah we’re the only ones that get to just die old in a bed just “i love you bye” i mean imagine if we were still in the food chain on top of everything else imagine if we were in the food chain it would just be another thing you gotta deal with you’re already having a bad day you wake in up in the morning you’re making breakfast you burn your toast and it’s too late to try again and your kid comes in and says “beh” and you’re like “fine” and it’s just “why” you get a thing in the mail that says that your phone’s different and your mortgage is another company now what i don’t get it then you’re walking to work like “why do i even bother “shit goddamn it “there’s always fucking cheetahs at the train station stop it” you think that sharks– do you think that sharks would be embarrassed if they knew that we could all see their fins sticking out the top of the water i think they’d be bummed ’cause i don’t think sharks are aware of that at all i think sharks think they’re slick they swim around like “hey nobody has any idea what’s down here” and we’re all up here like “there’s totally a shark right there” it wouldn’t be fun being a predator either if you’re a predator imagine if every time you’re hungry you gotta chase a guy who’s running for his life you gotta– “come on dude shit get over here” and just hold him down and bite his neck till he shuts the fuck up for a minute so you can just sit there and eat his stomach before you go to work that would really suck that’s why animals just– they go “let’s do this together man “you chase the parents away i am gonna eat the kid and you circle back” that’s why they do it like that “fuck it i’m eating babies this is bullshit” “grownups ain’t worth the meat” whoops all right all right shit goddamn it idiot this isn’t a gay voice by the way it’s not shut up yeah “courtyard confrontation”i live in new york city and it’s ok there i live in a nice building i never lived in a nice place before when i was growing up i had no money i mean my mom didn’t didn’t matter i was a child but i’m not used to it ’cause it’s nice there’s like a pretty courtyard with flowers and a fountain with little marble boys pissing i don’t know what is it with fountains like all fountain sculptors are pedophiles basically you can’t get a fountain made without– “can you make me a fountain” “yes i’ll get started right away “yes yes it’s finished” and it’s just little boys pissing on the face of a greek god that looks like him a lot “just piss on me forever” anyway there’s one of those in the courtyard of my building and my first week in the building about a yea',\n",
       "  'r ago i went down to the courtyard for the first time and i didn’t look too good you know it was a sunday morning that’s my least presentable hour there’s a lot of you know just stains just like you know food and me and whatever… and so i’m sitting there so shut up ha ha ha anyway but so there i was i’m sitting on the stone bench of this courtyard and feeling a little out of place you know there’s these fancy doormen and stuff and then there’s this guy looking at me i notice he’s looking at me from across the courtyard and he’s all spiffylooking he’s got brown shoes and he’s looking at me like “” i can tell he was thinking i don’t live in the building he thinks i just wandered in off the streets and sat in the courtyard i can tell he’s thinking of coming over and dealing with me on his own and i’m sitting there thinking like “please do that yes please come on come on come on come on come on” and i’m trying to look even more gross and i’m like pulling up my shirt “” and then i see him go “no that’s not gonna do at all” and he comes over to me “” and i’m like “num num num” i’m so excited to have this thing a confrontation where i’m not wrong at all and he thinks i am “rrgh” so he comes over says “excuse me “do you live in this building” and i said “no” ’cause why not start there i said “no” he goes “well then what are you doing here” and i said “i just need to rest i’m having a hard time” he says “this is private property” and i said “well i don’t really believe in that” you know just the worst things i could say from his point of view is basically all the things i was saying and he goes “well if you don’t leave i’m gonna talk to the doorman” i was like “can i just stay like five more hours” so he’s–“no” and he goes over to the doorman and i see him talking about me to the doorman like this and then i see the doorman going “no that guy lives here it’s ok” and the look on his face– mwah mwah num num– it was just so– it was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion it’s like i had invented a new way to hurt somebody’s feelings that’s how excited i was “getting what ‘old’ is”i’m  now so i’m either halfway through a healthy life or almost done with a notsohealthy life i don’t know which one i won’t know till it’s over where this was i don’t know how long i’m gonna live i don’t know nobody knows i guess i think human life expectancy is pretty good we get a good run you know some people die early you know if i die now people will be like “that’s too bad” if i die five years from now they’ll be like “well all right” like it’s not even– it’s– like as soon as you’re  you’re a candidate you know there’s no candlelight vigils for  guys that die and you start pushing– you know some people get to be like   you know there are people that get to like  and then they’re in the news and it’s always some old guy “i met napoleon” no you didn’t you liar you oldest liar in the world but  you know you’re not old yet but you start having moments where you kind of start getting what old is especially if you didn’t take care of yourself you know i have moments where i’m like “wow this seems early for this” like this is something that happens to me a lot i’ll be sitting watching tv or doing nothing and all of a sudden i’ll realize “i need to wipe my ass right now” “i mean nothing happened but i really gotta wipe my ass right now right now” gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass how does this happen already i’m  already my asshole’s just like “just– ” my asshole– my asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms just kinda… loose and ineffectual my asshole’s like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up it’s just sitting on the lawn full and open puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind some ',\n",
       "  'kid kicks it over on his way home from a tough day at middle school “rats” that’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole here’s another thing about my age right now if i’m– ok say i’m sitting down if i’m sitting anywhere which–ha ha ha– i love sitting so much– i would take sitting and doing nothing to standing and fucking any day this is way better than coming this is way better this is what– at my age if i’m sitting down and somebody tells me i need to get up and go to another room i need to be told all the information why first you gotta explain all that shit to me “what why do i– no why though” “your car is being towed right now” “well that’s what happens to me then that’s– i accept that” ’cause getting up is a whole thing it means first i have to decide “do i really want to be alive anymore” like let’s start with that and then i gotta “” start kind of rocking to get momentum “” like i’m trying to get an old honda out of a snow bank “shit” “putting on socks”the worst part of my day worst part of every day of my life is when i have to put on my socks putting on my socks is the worst part of every day and it always will be even if i have a terrible day in the future where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother if that ever happened to me the worst part of that day will be when i put on my socks because– putting on my socks that means i have to– here’s what i have to do i have to get my hands past my pointed toe i don’t even know how i do it i’m sitting here i don’t know how i do that it’s ’cause you have to– it’s like folding a bowling ball in half soon as i start i can feel– i’m pushing all the fat up into my vital organs and i just feel all the systems failing “beep beep beep” and i have to like lay on my back like an eightyearold and go like this and i start passing out and i know other people’s lives are hard ha ha ha i know i saw an interview on tv with michael j fox and he has parkinson’s and he was describing brushing his teeth and he said it takes him two hours a day and he said it’s agony and i saw this and i thought “ok that’s hard” that is hard and so is putting on my socks sorry michael doesn’t make it easier to know about your thing tell you what i’ll help you brush your teeth you help me with the socks “if you’re older you’re smarter”i don’t know i like getting older though life is an education and if you’re older you’re smarter i just believe that if you’re in an argument with somebody and they’re older than you you should listen to them it doesn’t mean they’re right it means that even if they’re wrong their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have they’ve been there longer if you’re older you’re smarter how many people here by applause are  or older  or older applaud ok that’s about  people out of  here’s the interesting thing there’s way more i can see you there’s so many more this is arizona there are way more people in that demographic but they didn’t clap why ’cause they’re smart they’re sitting in the dark going “i don’t have to clap i don’t have to do anything” they’re not doing it and they’re right you know why ’cause never identify yourself never are you crazy you don’t know why i’m asking how do you know what– ok burn them all burn everybody over  how do you know i’m not gonna do that how many people here by applause are  or younger  or younger applaud that’s every time “whoo whoo” every time that is a weird thing to celebrate in a room where you’re not the only people here that’s like going to a cancer ward– “not me whoo i don’t have it i don’t have it” if you’re older you’re smarter a  garbage man is a million times smarter than a  with three phds especially smarter than him ’cause this idiot has been thinking about three things for li',\n",
       "  'ke  years he’s worthless the garbage man is  he’s had some experience things have happened to him he went to cape cod one summer he saw a dead guy floating in the motel pool he took a bus to montreal he got a hand job at a fair… from a miner i mean a miner not a minor a miner you understand a miner a grown man who works in a mine with dirty hands jacked him off at a county fair that’s what i’m saying happened to the  you see he’s had some experience he knows more more has happened to him he’s seen more he’s seen history he’s witnessed history even if it’s not ancient history he saw nixon resign on live television me and those few people that clapped we saw the president of america cry and then quit being the president that shit was crazy ’cause none of us knew what was gonna happen next today people are like “the president’s kind of disappointing” really our president wept like an insane person and then got on a helicopter and flew away… and the whole nation just watched him go “getting older makes my life better”i like getting older though because for me the kind of guy i am getting older makes my life better you know like my sex life way better at  look ’cause this situation is ok at  this is not a fun kind of a  to be and some people their life is better when they’re younger you know young dudes young skinny dudes best life in the world is being a young skinny dude they don’t have to do anything they just show up with a big adam’s apple and a smelly tshirt “hey i’m here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life” “so where do i– everywhere ok cool” but for guys like me this is not a fun youth it gets better i’d like to make one of those “it gets better” ads for just dumpy young guys we could use a little help a little encouragement just somebody on tv “listen man “i know it’s tough right now “you’re vaguely heavy with no face “you have zero value on the sexual marketplace “you feel invisible to the girls in school because you are “but it gets better because you’ll all grow up “and you pretty much look just like this your whole life “and they don’t “their options start running out really fast “and you’re gonna be there “as long as you stay relatively employed and washed “you’re gonna be amazing in your  “you’re gonna be– “you’re gonna be the branch that she can grab “before she hits the ground “it’s gonna be so great “it just takes time for her circumstances “to match your looks but it’s gonna happen “it’s gonna happen “when real shit matters you’re gonna be the sexiest motherfucker in the world” it’s just time that’s all it takes there’s a formula to this it’s pussy plus time over income squared “everybody has their time”everybody has their time everybody has their time i mean not everybody there are people out there who there’s just nobody for them yep people like to say things like “there’s someone for everyone” nope not at all true and stop saying it ’cause it’s mean to people who never find anybody there are millions of people out there who we’ve all unanimously decided they are light speed ugly and nobody kisses them on the lips even nobody touches their genitals their entire life they just wash it and then they die that’s all that happens “aww” and if you’re feeling bad for them you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow you can just solve the problem right there with all that kindness in your heart “aww” well go fuck one “nah” i didn’t think so that’s the one way we’re all mean nobody does that nobody fucks down nobody people fuck up or across some women fuck down because a guy talked them into that it was up some guy “yeah no you should i’m totally up yeah” “dating takes courage”it’s a weird selection process that we have dating really is– it’s how we evolve is dating it’s how we ch',\n",
       "  'oose each other and dating is a real drag for a lot of people but i always think it’s a nice thing you know when i see a date i’m always happy when i see a couple on a date ’cause it means people are still trying you know you see a couple on a date it means there’s still courage out there that takes courage to go on a date for both sides two very different kinds of courage the male courage traditionally speaking is that he decided to ask he went up to a random woman who he has no idea if she’s gonna like him or not and he walked up to her terrified everything in your body is telling you “just go the fuck home and jerk off don’t do this” but he walked up and said “hi yes” and she’s like “” “no no no a second give me a second” and you try to get through this membrane of you know– and then if it works and you say “you wanna go out sometime” sometimes she’ll say yes and if she says yes that’s her courage and the courage it takes for a woman to say yes is beyond anything i can imagine a woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and illadvised and the whole species’ existence counts on them doing it and i don’t know how they– how do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men we’re the numberone threat to women globally and historically we’re the numberone cause of injury and mayhem to women we’re the worst thing that ever happens to them that’s true you know what our numberone threat is heart disease that’s the whole thing that’s it just our own heart going “dude i can’t– “you can’t keep doing this i told you three strokes ago that this is not smart” but women still– “yeah i’ll go out with you alone at night” what are you nuts “i’ll get in your car with you with my little shoulders hi where are we going” “to your death statistically” how do they still do it if you’re a guy try to imagine that you could only date a halfbear halflion and you’re like “i hope this one’s nice i hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do” “first date”i always– i love when i see a date you know when you see a date you can tell it’s the first date ’cause of the way they’re walking together and she’s looking up at his face trying to figure him out and he’s just a mess a guy on a first date just has no actual personality he’s just a mishmash of different kinds of dudes for a couple of seconds each just anything no cohesive– just like a ransom note cut out of a lot of magazines just you know “well… “ha ha “well yes i think so too ha ha rrgh…” whatever just like a blind dick in space just thrusting in infinite directions hoping to find pay dirt at someplace and then sometimes you see a date that’s later down the line and something has happened there’s something that happens in a date that i never get to witness ’cause women do this they get to do it inside they get to just decide quietly “i’m gonna let him fuck me” they just get to decide something he says and she’s like “that was good he’s gonna fuck me later” and he has no idea he’s still like trying all this shit he still has no idea he’s already in there “tits”guys are– we love women a lot– all men do– and we just look at you that’s what i do i just look at women i just–“” like they’re you know cakes in windows i just–“” i was walking in new york once and there’s these two very cute women walking behind me and i was trying to walk slowly so i could hear what they were saying to each other you know ’cause they were cute so i wanted to hear them like that’s gonna help me in any way to hear their– “don’t you wish the guy walking in front of us would squeeze our tits for like one second” ok here here i go thank you it’s really a flaw in men that we would all do that if you’re a woman you could ask any',\n",
       "  ' guy on planet earth “could you squeeze my tit for one second” and  of us will go “yes of course” that doesn’t matter i could be doing open heart surgery “yeah ok” beep “don’t worry he’s not your tits don’t worry about it” i don’t know why we love tits so much some people say it’s because we breastfeed but so do women or you know baby women not grownup women don’t usually– you don’t see like a  woman like a stately look– you know like sigourney weaver like sucking milk out of a young woman’s tit “thank you deborah i’ll see you tomorrow at ” it’s not usually the thing is the elderly breastfeeding from the young except for at the end of “the grapes of wrath” which i don’t mean to ruin that book for you but you should have read it by now i don’t know if you read “the grapes of wrath” but that’s how it ends with an old dying man sucking milk out of a young girl’s tits and then the book is over and you’re like “jesus what happened at the end there that’s crazy” there’s no other book in that genre there’s no dense historic classic that ends with a weird porny paragraph at the very– “and then anna karenina shat on his chest” “holy moly with that” “the end” “my god “that is a violent shift in tone at the end of that book i’ve been reading this book for three months” but we do we love tits and you always know a tit you always know a tit you know like you ever been in a crowded place– like a subway or like you know a sports stadium– and you’re smooshed in with other people and your elbow touches a tit behind you you’re like “that’s a tit i just touched it i know that was a tit i know it” because the sensitivity of the male elbow to tit flesh specifically is unbelievable just to tits ’cause you could drive a tack in there i’m not gonna feel it but a tit– through a shirt and a sweater and a jacket and her jacket sweater shirt and bra somehow… “it’s a tit i touched a tit “i touched a tit i touched one tit one tit” that’s rare to touch one tit it’s like a fourleaf clover usually you touch two the only time you touch one tit is when it was an accident or you didn’t have permission but otherwise… when tit access is granted it’s usually good for two tits at a time it’s once you’re on one– you really have to screw up really badly and quickly to lose tit access between tits one and two you must have said something really dumb on the first tit that you didn’t get the second one “yeah it’s like your mom’s dirty whore tit” “why what i said i liked it “that’s what i meant is that i like it “i like your mom’s dirty whore tit and i like yours” and if it’s up to the guy we’re gonna touch both tits no guy touches a tit and then goes “you know what “i’m good with the one that’s fine for me everything in moderation” we’re gonna touch both even if something terrible happens in the middle of– “yeah–” “there’s a bomb” “shit come on let’s get– “come on let’s get your tits out of here” “divorce”i’ve seen a few tits i’ve seen–i don’t know–  maybe i don’t know i had my history in my life you know i’ve been divorced for five years and it’s been the best part of my life being divorced easily my favorite part of my life i love being divorced every year has been better than the last that is the only time i can say that about and by the way i’m not saying don’t get married if you meet somebody fall in love and get married and then get divorced because that’s the best part it’s the best part marriage is just like a larva stage for true happiness which is divorce because you just let go and everything’s fine now divorce is forever it really actually is marriage is for how long you can hack it but divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak nobody ever says ” my divorce is falling apart it’s over i can’t take it” and again if you’re',\n",
       "  ' in a good marriage stay in it if you’re in the best marriage ever stay in it i’m just saying if you got out it would be better that’s just a fact i’m sorry i’m sorry but it’s true everything’s better my exwife and i this is the best part of our knowing each other we’re good coparents because we live apart and we’re friends our kids go to her half the week they come to me half the week and i’m a good father i’m an attentive focused and responsible father do you know why ‘cause i get to say goodbye to these kids every week are you shitting me it’s like every parent’s fantasy who can’t be a good father for half of every week no matter how bad it gets every wednesday i get to go “goodbye girls “daddy’s gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey all over his naked body right now” “i’m gonna lay in my own filth until two seconds before you come back here” that’s why i’m such a good dad “videoing your kids”my daughter was having a dance thing at her school they had this big dance anyway we all went all the parents and everybody’s there and everybody’s got their phone every single parent it was an amazing thing to watch ’cause kids are dancing and every parent is standing there like this every single person was blocking their vision of their actual child with their phone and the kids– i went over by the stage and the kids– there’s people holding ipads in front of their faces it looked like we’re all in the witness protection program like the kids can’t see their parents and everybody’s watching a shitty movie of something that’s happening ten feet– like look at your fucking kid the resolution on the kid is unbelievable if you just look it’s totally hd why are you taping this you’re never gonna watch it in a million years you’re not gonna watch videos of your kids doing shit you missed the first time it happened you don’t watch it you just put it on facebook “here you watch it i wanna take a nap now” and then you get to read all the comments “my god “it’s so cute ngaah” and guess what they’re not watching it either they’re not watching the video these kids are dancing for no one nobody watches the videos on your facebook they see the first frame of a kid and they go “that’s very nice ok back to this” nobody’s watching your kids’ videos on facebook i promise you i’ll prove it to you next time you tape your kid’s dance tape one second of it and then add  minutes of just your own asshole just go in the bathroom and just record your own anus opening and closing for  minutes tack it onto your kid dancing for a second put that on facebook everybody will write the same thing “that’s adorable i think i see a future star” “life is a good deal”don’t tape shit on your– life is short life is very short i like life i like it i feel like even if it ends up being short i got lucky to have it ’cause life is an amazing gift when you think about what you get with a basic life not even a particularly lucky life or a healthy life if you have a life that’s an ama– here’s your boilerplate deal with life this is basic cable what you get when you get life you get to be on earth first of all–my god– what a location this is earth and for trillions of miles in every direction it fucking sucks so bad it’s so shitty that your eyes bolt out of your head ’cause it sucks so bad you get to be on earth and look at shit as long as you’re not blind or whatever it is you get to be here you get to eat food you get to put bacon in your mouth i mean when you have bacon in your mouth it doesn’t matter who’s president or anything you just–“” every time i’m eating bacon i think “i could die right now” and i mean it that’s how good life is you get to– you get to fuck that’s free if you’re smart that comes with that’s part of the deal where else are yo',\n",
       "  'u gonna get that deal you get to put your dick in there and go in and out pretty good and if you’re a woman you get to just lay back and just have a dick just shoving in and out of you awkwardly anytime you want anytime you want if you’re a gay man you get to just fill your boyfriend’s ass with your dick just fill it all the way to the balls and it’s nice and warm and tight in there and he’s your buddy if you’re a lesbian you get to do all the stuff they’re doing and… it’s a great deal you get to eat you get to fuck you get to read “to kill a mockingbird” it’s a great life so you know i’m not worried about it ending “behind the wheel”it’s pretty good and i’ve wasted a lot of time just being angry at people i don’t know you know it’s amazing how nasty we can get as people depending on the situation like most people are ok as long as they’re ok but if you put people in certain contexts they just change like when i’m in my car i have a different set of values i am the worst person i can be when i’m behind the wheel which is when i’m at my most dangerous when you’re driving that’s when you need to be the most compassionate and responsible of any other time in your life ’cause you are fucking driving a weapon amongst weapons and yet it’s the worst people get and i am the worst one time i was driving and there was a guy ahead of me and he kind of–i don’t know– sorta drifted into my lane for a second and this came out of my mouth i said “worthless piece of shit” i mean what an indictment what kind of a way is that to feel about another human being “worthless piece of shit” that’s somebody’s son and things i’ve said to other people i was once driving and some guy in a pickup truck did– i don’t remember even– and i yelled out my window i said “hey fuck you” where outside of a car is that even nearly ok if you were in an elevator and you were like right next to a person’s body and whatever like he leaned into you a little bit would you ever turn right to their face and go “hey fuck you” “worthless piece of shit” no literally zero people would ever do that but put a couple of pieces of glass and some road between you there’s nothing you would not say to them “i hope you die” i said that to a person “i hope you die” why ’cause you made me go like this for half a second of my life you tested my reflexes and it worked out fine so now i hope your kids grow up motherless” i mean what am i capable of i’d like to think that i’m a nice person but i don’t know man “if murder was legal”a lot of it is context there’s a lot of things i wonder if the world was different like if murder was legal i might have killed a few people i don’t know i’d love to think “i would never do that” but we really need the law against murder for one simple reason the law against murder is the numberone thing preventing murder we’d like to think it’s ’cause like “i would never do that” no it’s ’cause it really sucks getting caught murdering a lot if murder was legal or just a misdemeanor– like you get a thing in the mail– “shit they had a camera there well” if murder was legal there would be so much murder regular people would murder murderers would murder even more and then really nice sweet people would murder a few people but nobody would murder no people you wouldn’t trust somebody who didn’t murder if murder was legal you wouldn’t like them “i never killed anybody” “ok nice meeting you yecch what a creep “i mean not even a hooker live a life “what’s wrong with that guy he’s like a mormon or some shit i hate those guys” “i think he’s nice” “shut up janet” they would just– if murder was legal there would be a lot of murder children would behave very differently because mostly parents would be murdering their own kids that’s mostly wh',\n",
       "  'at would happen if murder was legal you know you’d go to a mall there’d be like eight different moms in the mall just– “i told you to stop it you didn’t listen to me” just–pbbt there’d be just– you’d be stepping over dead kids there’d be like a new problem “you have to clean up your kids “when you kill them ’cause it’s gross “it’s bad for the environment “if you murder your child in a public place “please use one of the red bags that are in the dispensers “every three feet of america “put your murdered child in the red bag “with a logo of a murdered kid on it “next to the other logo that tells you “not to let your alive kid play with the plastic bag “because they might suffocate in which case you could just leave them in the bag” that is a whole bunch of horrible thoughts right in a row right in a row that is a compressed area of bad thought “of course but maybe”you know you have your bad thoughts hopefully you do good things everybody has a competition in their brain of good thoughts and bad thoughts hopefully the good thoughts win for me i always have both i have like the thing i believe the good thing– that’s the thing i believe– and then there’s this thing and i don’t believe it but it is there it’s always this thing and then this thing it’s become a category in my brain that i call “of course… but maybe…” i’ll give you an example ok like of course children who have nut allergies need to be protected of course we have to segregate their food from nuts have their medication available at all times and anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be aware of deadly nut allergies of course but maybe… maybe if touching a nut kills you you’re supposed to die of course not of course not of course not jesus i have a nephew who has that i’d be devastated if something happened to him but maybe… maybe if we all just do this for one year we’re done with nut allergies forever no of course not of course if you’re fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt it’s a terrible tragedy of course of course… but maybe… maybe if you pick up a gun and go to another country and you get shot it’s not that weird maybe if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at it’s a tiny bit your fault of course of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened listen listen you all clapped for dead kids with the nuts for kids dying from nuts you applauded so you’re in this with me now do you understand you don’t get to cherrypick those kids did nothing to you of course of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened of course it is every time it’s happened– black people in america jews in egypt every time a whole race of people has been enslaved it’s a terrible horrible thing of course… but maybe… maybe every incredible human achievement in history was done with slaves every single thing where you go “how did they build those pyramids” they just threw human death and suffering at them until they were finished how did we traverse the nation with the railroad so quickly we just threw chinese people in caves and blew ’em up and didn’t give a shit what happened to them there’s no end to what you can do when you don’t give a fuck about particular people you can do anything that’s where human greatness comes from is that we’re shitty people that we fuck others over even today how do we have this amazing microtechnology because the factory where they’re making these they jump off the fucking roof ’cause it’s a nightmare in there you really have a choice you can have candles and horses and be a little kinder to each other or let someone suffer immeasurably far away just so you can leave a mean comment on youtube while you’re taking a shit thanks a lot folks you guys were great thank you very very much '],\n",
       " ['wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey seattle nice to see you look at this look at us we’re here this is crazy it’s insane so about five years ago pretty much everyone who i know started to get married and that was strange for me because i don’t really believe in the idea of marriage and that would have been fine except i have a problem where sometimes when i think that i am right about something it can be a real source of tension between me and the person i’m arguing with and the reason it’s a source of tension is that i’m right and so i remember distinctly talking to my friend dana and she goes “well you don’t believe in marriage for you but of course you believe in it for other people” and i was like “no i think it’s insane you know for anyone” and she said “why”and i said “well first of all it just seems doomed” you know  of marriages end in divorce that’s just first marriages by the way second marriages  to  end in divorce third marriages  to  end in divorce that’s a learning curvesecond of all monogamy’s impossible or at the very least not a sure thing when i say that i think people assume that i’m implying that men are incapable of being faithful i think women are just as incapable but for more sophisticated reasons you know i mean with men we’re just really simple we have a very simple sexuality when i say that my female friends are like “well we like sex just as much as you do” and i said “sure but it’s different” and they say “how” and i say “have you ever masturbated while driving a car”number three… i’m never gonna be happy why would anyone want to be a part of that i think that’s not brought up often enough i um i didn’t know that would be the reaction oh no that’s the hopeful part the uh… i had one ally in all this which is my friend andy and he’s a comedian as well not only did we decide we weren’t gonna get married we actually tried to stop other people we knew from getting married yeah we were pretty good at it like we stopped or put on hold three or four marriages you know we were… we were pretty good i mean we weren’t like the best in the world i’m sure there are better in europe but we were… we were solid you know like so like for example at point my friend alex was about to get engaged and so we just took him to dinner and during dessert we gave him a long hard stare we said “are you sure this is what you want to do” and then we went cold to give him the sense of what it would feel like when we weren’t friends anymore so february   i’m at andy’s house in los angeles and earlier in the night i got in an argument with my girlfriend on the phone and it was a bad one because i knew that i was right and andy was a perfect person to be with in this kind of a situation ’cause he’s the kind of friend who just takes your side regardless of whether you’re right he says stuff like “she sounds crazy” like even if what she’s saying isn’t that crazy like you’d be like “she only eats whole wheat bagels” he’d be like “she sounds crazy” you’d be like “that’s not even the crazy part” you know so i’m telling him about his argument and he goes “you’re right” i go “i know i’m right” he goes “yeah you’re right” i go “i know i’m right i got to tell her about this in the morning” and i get in my rental car to head back to my hotel and i’m driving out of andy’s small road and i’m tboned i don’t know if you’re familiar with this term uh… this is the culinary way of describing when you are hit by another car driver’s side at a  angle like a tbone steak and in   seconds i’m spun around and i think i’m dead no wait i’m paralyzed and then i hear nothing and then i hear the other car skid out and drive away i know let me tell you how this argument started i met jenny in st louis my friend andy and i were working for her company they were performing for a bunch of wrestling coaches which is really my demographic i uh… no i was very nervous about this i was actually kind of about to go onstage and i was like scrawling notes on my napkin a lot of times i’ll write kind of manic notes on napkins or hotel stationary and jenny looked at me and she goes “what are you doing” and i said “i’m writing my set list” and then she goes “i think it’ll be fine” and i was like “no it won’t be fine” and then she was like “i think it will be okay” and i said “why do you think that” and she said “well you look so nervous i think they’ll feel sorry for you” but jenny has this really soft sweet voice like the kind of voice where you kind of get away with saying anything at one point she said “it seems like you comedians are a lot funnier onstage” normally i’d be offended by that but in this instance i was like “you are right that is a great point you are beautiful you know” she re… she really was you know from the moment i met jenny i knew i wanted to sleep with her at least once stay with me uh i mean… i mean that in like in the most meaningful way like that was the most that i was capable of in my life at that point i… i’d jus… i’d just come off a really long difficult breakup with my college sweetheart where we were gonna get married and… and then we weren’t and then when we weren’t i was so heartbroken i just kind of swore off the idea of marriage or even living with someone entirely you know and… but from the moment i met jenny i just wanted to be with her and i didn’t… i didn’t think it was gonna happen like i don’t have that kind of confidence i actually think of myself as a sex maybe which is to say that if i’m seeing a girl she’d think “i’d have sex with him maybe” you know and i’m… i’m not ashamed of that there were periods in my life where i was a sex never or a sex with self always yeah a',\n",
       "  'nd often surprisingly often yeah i just don’t give off a great first impression like i’ll give you an example like this is the shirt i decided to wear tonight like i didn’t… i didn’t spill mustard on the real shirt and this is the backup shirt i mean this is my “a” outfit my “b” outfit was naked i like to dress down to perpetuate the myth that i might be a fixerupper i’ve reached this point in my life i don’t really look in the mirror before i leave my apartment i glance at it to make sure i’m not bleeding you know what i mean like… but i don’t stare at the mirror if i stare at the mirror i get angry like i feel like i’m complaining about a bad call a ref just made i’m like “come on” “you’re blind if you’re leaving the house like that” and the ref is god and the competing teams are my gut and my receding hairline and it’s a close game ’cause my gut is large and my hairline is fast and i’m all riled up i’m about to charge the field and the guy comes by with fried dough and i’m like “next time” you know that’s how i go for fried dough ’cause i have a problem i just… this is ridiculous can you follow me over here for a second i’m gonna jump off stage this is only in seattle where someone is wearing no shoes no shoes or socks what who are you people what is wrong with you i would expect that behavior from this guy but not you sir not you what is this where do you think you are from seattle yeah seattle so i’ve been going uh recently to a women’s exercise class ii’ve given up on having a traditional male physique and so now i’m going for strong independent woman and uh… it’s going pretty well you know i’m not as good in the class as you might think sometimes i’ll kind of skip whole sections of the more difficult exercises when the instructor isn’t looking but then when she looks over i always have to strike a pose as though i’ve been doing what everybody else has been doing it reminds me of the olympics you know how they do gymnastics how they’ll have those… the girls will do those crazy flips and twirls and every once in a while… and i’m not saying i root for this to happen but sometimes they’ll fall and it’s ugly ’cause they’re rolling around like “i’m in a lot of trouble like i don’t even know how i got here” but at the end of that no matter what… and i totally fall for it i’m like “that can’t possibly be the same loser “from moments ago “i mean that’s a completely different person “this person has much better posture for starters” i really wanted jenny to come out with me and andy that night in st louis ’cause we were going out to one of these famous irish pubs where no one can hear anyone speak and so i thought that might work to my advantage i don’t know and uh… i didn’t have the nerve to ask her myself and so i convinced andy to ask her for us and uh… pfft which… yeah i don’t know if that was the best idea ’cause uh we’re heading… we’re in the car heading to the pub and jenny says “oh i left my id at the hotel” and i was like “oh we can just swing back and get it” and she’s like… she’s like “no it’ll be fine” i was like “no it won’t be fine ’cause it’s st patrick’s day and there’s bouncers” and she goes “no it’ll be okay” and i was like “no it won’t be okay” and then we get to the pub and it was fine like the bouncer just kind of waved her through which has not been my experience with bouncers for me bouncers are like prison guards and for jenny they’re like birthday clowns like you know “what can i do to make your day better”you know and that’s… we’re at the pub and it had taken so much convincing for andy to get jenny to come out there by the time she came out she thought she was on a date with him and yeah that wasn’t the idea and so i said… i had to convince him to fall away as the night went on like the red rockets on the space shuttle and eventually she realized she was on a date with me and she was not happy about that but uh… but she warmed to me as the night went on ’cause she was drinking and then like… no by the end of the night we were laughing and having a good time and we… i caught a break which is we shared a ride back to our hotel with one of their friends and she and i were stuffed in this little back seat together and it was really quiet so i could hear her soft voice and she told me she had just come off a long difficult breakup and i told her about my breakup and for a moment there in the back seat it felt like we were holding up two halves of a broken paper heart and… we get back to the hotel and i offer to walk her to her room and she says “sure” we get to her door and i didn’t want this night to end and so i build up the courage to lean in to kiss her and she says “oh no thank you” which i thought was polite… but disappointing i mean there’s something about a rejected kiss that is the most personal type of rejection because you’re really putting yourself out there you’re just like “i think we should connect mouths” you know and… the other person’s like “i do not think we should connect mouths” and those are… they’re two very different mouth agendas you know and then you just feel so stupid you’re like “i never should have suggested we connect mouths you know” this is a sore subject for me i have sort of a long history of failed kisses like i… i remember growing up like when people started making out like in my time in massachusetts it was in seventh grade i remember… i remember it like it was yesterday ’cause i was shocked i was like “people we know are just making out with other people we know” “but how” you know it seemed like an alien ritual where these two aliens just attach orifices all of a sudden i was like “i am not doing that” and collecti',\n",
       "  'vely all the girls in my class were like “that is fine “you are not on the list “you’re not exactly a firstround draft pick for our new activity” i was like “perfect” it seemed so gross to me and it still does kind of like sometimes you hear these homophobic arguments from these guys who are like “i don’t like when i see two dudes making out in the street” and i feel that way about anyone like making out is just sloppy it’s like watching a dog eat spaghetti that’s how i make out is that right does anybody know if that’s right okay good so… in seventh grade i was like “i’m not gonna make out with anybody” and that was fine for a while but increasingly it kind of divided the class into two distinct parts it was like the makeout club and the nonmakeout club and these were informal organizations of course i mean i would be sad if that were schoolsanctioned like “we call this meeting of the nonmakeout club to order “first order of business nintendo “second order of business why doesn’t anyone like us meeting adjourned” i don’t know it was a sad group and we were losing good guys by the day i feared… i feared that soon i would be the lone member of the nonmakeout club so i was like “i got to try to get into the makeout club” but it was a very intangible goal i didn’t really talk to a lot of girls and… there was one girl who sat in front of me in class named lisa bazetti who i had a huge crush on but she was way out of my league like she had many suitors she had… i don’t… the rest of the show is in old english uh… she doth had many suitors uh no she had many you know admirers and there were three of us really and i was in third place in all the trade publications but i had one advantage over these other guys which is she had to talk to me on the phone every night about homework thanks to alphabetical order bazetti birbiglia one time i said something on the phone that made her laugh and i was like “oh this is great i got to do that more” and one time we were on the phone and she was laughing so hard i remember so well ’cause she goes “mike you got to stop i’m gonna pee myself” and i was like “wow” this was the closest i’d ever come to a vagina so spent the next  years trying to get lisa bazetti to pee and that’s how i ended up here yeah that’s how we all ended up here in a sense so… uh… so here’s what happened with lisa one time i built up the courage to ask her to go to the carnival with me and she said yes i couldn’t believe it like all of a sudden i thought “well maybe this will be like “one of those romantic comedy montages “we’ll go to the carnival we’ll get stuck “on the top of the ferris wheel we’ll make out “it’ll all take a minute and a half and it will be set to phil collins song” but i think that when you’re  years old you just don’t understand certain things about your digestive system you don’t know that you shouldn’t eat popcorn and peanuts and ice cream and cotton candy and then step onto a machine called the scrambler cotton candy being the most insane of these items it’s basically saying “we’re gonna take sugar “which everyone knows is bad but then we’ll dress it up like insulation” and i’m like “i’m not sure “what the selling point is there is it the sugar or the insulation” they’re like “we already sold it” i’m like “well done way to move the product before the information campaign disseminates” i don’t know if you have the scrambler here in seattle i imagine you might it travels on a truck it is a very mobile scrambling unit the premise is very simple you just sit on a twoperson pod with the person you are in love with and that pod goes in a circle which is part of a larger circle which is part of an even grander circle as i understand it it was originally designed as a medical device for constipated patients it was called the “shits of pantserator” and it was wildly successful and then it was coopted by the carnival workers of america cwoa and they said… they said “we like it but we do feel like the name is a little bit of a turnoff” and then one guy says “well what about the ‘i think i’m gonna dieerator’” and they’re like “that’s good “’cause it gets across the essence of how you feel “when you’re on the machine “plus it has the added wordplay with diarrhea “which is a nice homage “to the original intention of the machine “but we still feel like the name might be a little bit of a turnoff” and then one guy goes “well what about the scrambler ‘cause it scrambles you” they’re like “we get it frank but who…” frank is a maniac this guy can’t be stopped but every once in a while he’s got a good idea “but who will be in charge of this dangerous piece of equipment” and this one guy goes “well i have a nephew who’s  years old “and smokes pot  hours a day i feel like he might be available” and they’re like “he sounds amazing “we don’t even need to interview him he sounds completely qualified”i sit down with lisa on the scrambler and i’m feeling good like she’s snuggling up close to me and i’m thinking… i’m thinking like “this could be it “this could be where it’s all gonna happen this is very special” and then they put that bar seat belt down and the bar seat belt is not a reassuring piece of safety equipment it’s not a ralph nader approved item i don’t think it’s saved lives i think the only thing it’s ever done is in a scrambler accident it’s just sort of held someone’s esophagus down to the pavement making sure that they are dead and that they cannot talk about the scrambler accident first rule of scrambler accident don’t talk about scrambler accident that’s from scrambler club well i knew from the moment they put the bar seat belt down that i was going to throw up',\n",
       "  ' for sure and i even said to the  stoner i was like “hey actually…” and then he was gone apparently he doesn’t enjoy the second halves of sentencesso then i’m scrambling and… as i am scrambling i’m thinking “i need to come up with a plan of some kind i’m not going down without a fight” my first plan was very simple it was just don’t look at lisa don’t look at any other people i was like “don’t look at lisa “don’t look at any other people “don’t look at lisa “don’t look at any other people i need a new plan” and… the new plan was i needed to tell the scrambler operator… that he needed to stop the ride but… the mathematics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scrambler operator is a very limited window so i’m like “i got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride “i got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride “i got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride please stop the ride” and i’m back “i’m not sure he heard me “i got to say it louder please stop the ride “i’m not sure he’s paying attention i think he might be smoking pot right now” the third time i said “please stop” and then i started throwing up and it was not unlike an oscillating lawn sprinkler just… popcorn peanuts… insulation really insulating the pavement with my homemade carnival salsa i did not look at lisa but i’m pretty sure she was staring at me because i was a spectacle at that point i was spectacular and we did not make out i did not lose my mouth virginity that evening two years later it gets worse um… i’m at the st john’s high school what they call a cattle call dance this is an all boys catholic school i attended where they would invite the girls from all over the state to our sweaty st john’s gymnasium like cattle which is a friendly way to describe women you know so… cattle shows up at  we’ll make out with the cattle cattle goes home at  then we go out for burgers completely separate from the cattle analogy it was a horrible affair it was just like this room chockfull of sweat and hormones and drakkar noir and led zeppelin and making out at this point i was indeed the lone member of the nonmakeout club but it was actually worse than that ’cause i had to lie to my friends and tell them i had had my first kiss ’cause it was like this really tough all boys school and so when they would ask like “oh have you had your first kiss” i’d be like “yeah like all the time like every… every week” i always feared at some point there’d be a followup question like “oh yeah what’s it like” and i’d be like “yeah you know it’s just like licking an ice cream cone” and they’d be like “no it’s not it’s like sucking on a rocket pop” and i’d be like “ah wrong frozen dessert analogy” i’m at the dance and i’m flanked by my friend sam ricciardi and we’re introduced by our friend tom to these girls from his town they were the last two cows at the dance they were like “moo” and we were like “moo” and then sam says one of these phrases i think we’ve all heard but is very uncomfortable to repeat he says “you get that one” which i know it’s the worst turn of phrase but i’m comfortable saying it ’cause i know i’ve been on the negative end of that conversation where a girl says of me “you get that one” and then her friend goes like “oof” you know or even worse… or even worse like “you owe me” which really hurts thinking of someone incurring debt based on my appearance i would hate to hurt someone’s credit score you know so he goes… he goes “you get that one” and then i’m just fast dancing with this girl sandra to young mc’s bust a move and i’m not great at fast dancing but they had the strobe light going so it’s only catching me one out of every five… hey so she’s losing interest but at  the speed and then i’m saved by a slow song stairway to heaven which is a classic makeout anthem led zeppelin eight minutes long what’s great about slow dancing is you can’t really mess it up ’cause it’s just sort of a slowmotion hug like the only way you could mess it up is if you just started fast dancing in the middle of it she’d be like “what are you doing” and i’d be like “i don’t pick up on social cues” you know but it’s such a long song you know stairway so i’m just trying not to fidget i’m sort of a fidgety person i feared if i fidgeted too much i might initiate the head tilt too early i didn’t know anything about making out but i’d seen people do it i could see there’s like a head tilt i had heard there were tongues involved and i could see that there was like some kind of space in between the two mouths to me that was the most mysterious part of the whole thing what is happening in that space there is no… you know there’s no video documentation of that area it’s like the giant squid of making out no one has seen it alive they’ve only seen it washed up on the shore… which is more specific to the squid side of that analogy but… so i’m trying not to fidget then with   minutes left in stairway to heaven the song hits that crescendo… all around me kids start to make the tilt just a harvest of teenagers making out all around me and i was like “oh no i don’t want to be alone anymore” and i make the slightest tilt and then sandra comes in strong and then it’s an allout mouth war and she had artillery ’cause she had braces it was like a dog eating spaghetti and the fork as this oral atrocity is taking place all i can think is “i’m not alone anymore i’m not in the nonmakeout club” and all i wanted to do was tell my friends but i couldn’t because up until that point i’d lied and said that i’d had my first kiss i walked off the dance floor sam was like “how’d it go dude” i had to be like “same as always p',\n",
       "  'retty smooth” as the week wore on i started to convince myself “well maybe it did go well “and i should call sandra and this could bud into a relationship of some kind” but… i got her number from tom and those conversations ended up being very brief you know we didn’t have a lot to talk about i remember just being like “hey you like full house “me neither cool all right later” you know what i mean at certain points i remember getting this vibe from her kind of like “why are you calling me” and i remember thinking “oh i’m probably reading into that one too much” and… and then she stopped calling me back and i was like “oh yeah i read into that one perfectly” but i just felt so dumb about the whole thing and the worst part is i couldn’t even tell my friends until one day i was… i was standing by my locker with my friend tom and so i said to him i was like “hey what’s going on with sandra like she hasn’t called me back” and tom has this knowing grin on his face i was like “what” tom was like “nothing” and i was like “what” tom was like “nothing” and i was like “what” tom’s like “oh” “i talked to sandra and she said “you’re the worst kisser she’s ever kissed” and it was so devastating ’cause not only was it probably true but i couldn’t explain to my friends why it was true i couldn’t say “that makes sense i’ve never done that before” so instead i had to play it off i had to be like “yeah that sounds about right “i’m a terrible kisser that’s kind of my thing” so i lean in to kiss jenny and she says “oh no thank you” she agrees to go out with me in new york we were both living in new york and she gave me her number and i typed it in my phone and from that point on she would be “jen irish pub nice” a few weeks later i took her out to a restaurant i couldn’t afford to show her how much money i could put on my credit card we’re out to dinner and she says to me she goes “everyone hates me at work” and i said “why would they hate you i love you” she goes “you love me” i go “i mean you seem cool” i pulled it back i didn’t want to show all my cards just about nine of them one of the other things that she said of note on this date is she said “you know sometimes i’ll date two people at once and that way i’m never let down by either person” i said “that seems like a really smart plan like i’d like to do that as well” and she said “i’m still kind of seeing my exboyfriend john and you can see other people too but you have to tell me if you’re seeing them” and i was like “all right sounds like a plan “got it break i got to go find some more people you know” and so a few nights later i’m in another city and i do a show and after the show i went out to a bar and i ended up making out with this random girl then a few nights later i’m out to dinner with jenny and she says “how was your trip” and i said “it was great i did some shows “and then one night i ended up making out with this random girl” and that didn’t go over very well in the conversation i could sense that something was wrong and i was like “but i’m right about that right like i’m supposed to tell you if that happens right” and she says “yeah but it doesn’t mean “that i won’t lose interest in you” and i said “that’s a whole new clause “that’s a twist what is this the romantic comedy version of the usual suspects” i said “are you still seeing john” and she said “sometimes” i said “well don’t you see the contradiction in that” and she says “yes” and it gets very quiet… because we were falling in love three weeks into my relationship with jenny i built up the courage to ask her to go on a trip to bermuda i wanted to show her how much more money i could put on my credit card since i didn’t have a lot left we went to bermuda ’cause it was the off season you can get these great deals online because as it turns out when it’s winter in new york it is also winter… in bermuda and uh… jenny and i meet up at the airport and she’s late which is a big pet peeve of mine i fancy myself as a professional traveler i’m always two hours early i have my pocket for my ticket and my passport and i have laceless moccasins i never tell jokes about bombs and… and jenny’s late and then we get to security and i’m not making this up she doesn’t have a license or a passport and i said “what do you mean” i go “how do you travel” and she goes “well “usually they let me on the plane with my credit card and my work id” i don’t like to dwell on the differences between men and women but i just can’t imagine a scenario where a man would go to the airport with no license and no passport and they would let him on the plane but women get a pass on things like this that i find completely bewildering i mean if i were in charge of alqaeda for example what… what i would do is i would recruit attractive women because they’re just not stopped under any circumstances although it would be difficult to recruit them because all they have to offer are the  virgins and you know the women wouldn’t want that unless they’re lesbians although there’s an idea you know alqaeda… alqaeda could recruit hot lesbians although… then they’d have to guarantee that the  virgins are also lesbians i mean what are the odds you know all  virgins are also lesbians unless you think of sexuality as like a blank slate concept where the first person you have sex with dictates your sexual identity like the  virgins are like “i didn’t even know i was a lesbian “until i had sex with that hot lesbian terrorist “and now that’s all i’m into “i used to be into these afghani guys who are so crazy “they’d die in a fiery plane crash to have sex with me “and  of my friends but now i don’t see khalid in the same way an',\n",
       "  'ymore” the point is we went to bermuda and we’re on the flight… on the flight and the flight attendant comes over and she puts champagne glasses down in front of us and she says “congratulations on your honeymoon” and we said “oh no thanks we’re not on our honeymoon” and she walks away and jenny says “that’s so funny i don’t think i’ll ever go on a honeymoon” and i said “oh really” and she goes “yeah i don’t think i’d ever want to get married in my life” and i said “oh really” i go “me too” i said “is that based on a principle “or did you have a bad relationship like what was your first boyfriend like” and… she told me about her first boyfriend brian it was… they were at the same bus stop when they were  and they would make out on the bus and they were together for six years and they… you know their relationship got deeper and they would talk about how they were gonna get married and spend the rest of their lives together and i said “then what” and she said “he died he had leukemia” and i said “well do you ever talk about this with anyone” and she says “no i don’t really like to talk about it” but these were the kinds of conversations we started having on this trip where jenny was opening up to me and i was opening up to her and every night we’d be up till  or  in the morning and we were so happy we… at one point i was like “well we should do this again “we should go on another trip and you could get a license or a passport” jenny said “that sounds great “but i don’t think i’d get a license or a passport ’cause they don’t make me get one” and i was like “yeah but it’s the law” you know jenny says “yeah i don’t think i’ll get one “’cause they don’t make me get one you know that’s how i feel” that’s how jenny argues things sometimes she’ll just say “that’s how i feel” and i’ll say “that’s not an argument” “like we’re not even in an argument right now because you don’t have an argument” and she’ll say “i just won that argument” and i’ll say “that’s not even possible based on the definition of what an argument is” and she’ll say “i just won that argument” again “that’s how i feel” you could see how this could be a little bit maddening you know uh… on our final day on the trip we got into an argument about essentially nothing she noticed there was a basketball court at our hotel and she said “we should play” and i was like “yeah but not like a game” and she said “why” and i said “well ’cause i’d win” and she said “no i think i would win” i go “no i know that i’d win “and i know that what i’m supposed to say is that… “the guy says ‘i’ll win’ the girl says ‘i’ll win’ “and the guy lets her win and then she likes him more but i just don’t have that in me” and jenny goes “you don’t have to let me win let’s go out and play” and so we went out and played basketball and i just kicked her ass i mean it was just like… it was just like…  to  you know  to  i mean i was having a good day but still i was just destroying her and at one point she literally said “i’ve never met someone who’s so obsessed with the score” and i said “the score is what makes it a game” so we’re arguing this over lunch and then again it comes up at dinner and then we’re still arguing about it at  or  in the morning about essentially nothing and she said “i don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with being right” i go “i’m not obsessed with it i just am” i said “why do you think you’re right” and she says “that’s how i feel” i said “if you think i’m so wrong about everything why are you even with me” and jenny says “you can’t choose who you love” which is true but it doesn’t mean it’s good i remember the first time i fell in love i was in high school and it was that first time where you fall in love and you’re just like “this is it i found her i’m  years old and i’m done you know” and… her name was amanda and she was like adorable and funny and what was really exciting for me was that she was like a delinquent like i was like this playbytherules school citizen and she had been expelled from her previous school for dealing acid which i thought was a really strong quality like at one point she was like “it was totally messed up because it wasn’t even me it was this other girl and i was framed” and i was just like “awesome” like no one would ever frame me for anything i just… i thought it was like an opposites attract situation she wanted to know what it was like to hang out with someone in student government who writes for the newspaper and i wanted to know what it was like to be cool at one point i was like “do you want to write an article for the newspaper” she goes “i don’t want to write an article i want to do things people write articles about” and i was like “good answer”i find that when you fall in love you tend to overlook certain red flags one of them was that she would say really mean stuff to me but then she would pull it back she’d be like “no one likes you at all only kidding” or like “you’re like a nerd but you’re not even smart just joking” can’t choose who you lovesecond red flag with amanda was that she was a liar and i don’t… i don’t mean that in an offensive way like lying was kind of like a… it’s like a sport at the school i was at i transferred from the all boys school to this coed school there was this one guy in my class named keith robbins who was a legendary liar you’d know when he was lying ’cause he would lick his finger like a bookie and he would dart his eyes from side to side and he’d go “yeah yeah nice nice you know” and he wasn’t even handling money like i don’t even know what this is about and then he would lie about things that were sort of insignificant he’d be like “yeah my uncle’s ',\n",
       "  'tony robbins “motivational speaker yeah nice you know” and… we found out that that wasn’t even true but even if that were true that wouldn’t be impressive to a bunch of high school students but i think that’s the jedi level of lying is you lie about little stuff and no one notices when you’re lying about big stuff it’s like bankingthe final red flag with amanda was that she told me not to tell anyone that she was my girlfriend i know i’m in the future also i think we can all see now ’cause we’re so smart and mike’s so dumb and uh… you know i can also see in retrospect that’s a much bigger red flag than i perceived it to be at the time but i was so excited she was even with me at all and she said she had another boyfriend at home but they were in the process of breaking up but it was a bad time ’cause his parents were sick and so i tried to be understanding of that you know i went along with it for a few months until she invited me to meet her parents and i thought “well this is the affirmation that i need i’m gonna be crowned as the main boyfriend” and i drive my mom’s station wagon to amanda’s parents’ house and i walk in the front door and there’s amanda and there’s her parents and it’s going well and a few hours go by and this other guy comes over to the house and his name is scott i’m assuming he’s like a family friend or a relative and slowly i’m noticing similarities between scott and things that amanda has said about her other boyfriend they’re both in their first year in college and they’re competitive wrestlers and… it’s dawning on me that i’m hanging out with my girlfriend’s boyfriend and it’s going pretty well i mean he… he seemed like a nice guy i could totally see what she saw in him there was some consolation that when he would go in the other room to the kitchen or the bathroom she would hold on to my hand and she would say “i wish it were just you and me here” and i remember thinking “you could make that happen” the way she said it was as though she weren’t involved in the decision process like “i’d love to but the boys in corporate…”well the day took an even stranger turn when scott suggested that we go hang out at his house and i met his parents it is indescribable meeting your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s parents for the first time part of you is angry for obvious reasons but then part of you still wants to make a good impression you know you’re like… “maybe if this goes well she’ll see that i’m good with adults in general” as a side note his parents seemed in perfect health at one point his dad even said to me “how do you know amanda” and i said “we’re just friends from school” and i was so ashamed and i felt so dumb and i drove home and i remember thinking “i am never gonna let this happen to me again” so… ten months into my relationship with jenny she invites me to meet her parents and this was a tricky time at this point our relationship was intense but casual which is a dangerous relationship cocktail and it was a hard thing to organize ’cause i was away probably five days out of the week and so we found a sunday where i was coming back from a fiveday stint in texas which was awful ’cause it was… in texas and i… that’s… that’s not to say i dislike texas entirely it’s such a large thing to dislike and uh… but that week it felt like texas just disliked me and i just kind of disliked texas back to the point where i developed a small drinking problem which is… which is very popular in texas i was performing at a comedy club now comedy… i love comedy clubs ’cause they’re sort of a highlow entertainment proposition like in some ways though they’re the last bastions of free speech and the art of spoken word and then some of them sell dildo straws you know like there’s  bachelorette parties coming through on the weekends and they’re handing out gummy penises or whatever that’s… that’s actually a thing i didn’t even realize that… i didn’t realize that that was part of the female fantasy of the penis was… was the gummy quality of the penis i feel like if i were in charge of the candification of the penis it would be hard candy and then if… and then if you suck it down to the gummy part then you just sort of put that off to the side but i… but that’s… that’s not my job i’m… you know i leave that to the experts but i just… i just do the comedy part but i was performing at this club all week and after the late show saturday night i was approached by this bachelorette party that had one of these sort of novelty sexual checklist things and… i’d been drinking all week and uh i always try to be a team player you know so i was like “whatever i can do to help i don’t see how this could end badly” and uh… the next morning i wake up in the my hotel room and i’m hung over and i’m groggy and i roll out of bed and i run to the airport to catch my flight i’m still two hours early and… i land in new york and i get a cab to jenny’s parents’ house and i walk in the front door and there’s jenny and there’s her parents and there’s her other sort of exboyfriend john and he wasn’t front and center like he was just kind of around like he was in the pool like wading and doing laps like that kind of thing but i pulled jenny aside i was like “well what’s john doing here” and she says “well he and i aren’t still together “but when we were together “he became friends with my stepdad “and he’s been staying here at their house the last couple weeks” and i said “you know that’s not good i feel like that gives him the edge” jenny’s staring at me and i said “what” she says “you have a hickey on your neck” and i said “i don’t think that’s true” and then i glance at the mirror next to me and reali',\n",
       "  'ze that in fact i do have a hickey on my neck and i say “i’m really sorry” and she says “where is that from” and i said “there was this bachelorette party and i was drunk” that sentence never comes out right i mean there’s no way to deliver that line in a way that makes you seem even okay and… we start arguing and the argument follows us all the way back to the street in front of my apartment i didn’t have a leg to stand on i was like “well what about john what was he doing there” she said “you have a hickey on your neck” i said “yeah but at least i told you the truth” and she said “eventually” and i said “eventually is better than never” and then she kneed me in the balls i don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this before i’m sure half of you have not uh… it’s like being electrocuted except you don’t get to die it’s like you want to die but you can’t and there’s a person in your face saying “you deserve this” which they wouldn’t even do in electrocutions i think they would deem that as inhumane\\xa0 even in texasjenny says “i think that we should just break up “you know it’s not just this “i mean you’re away a lot of the time “and even when you’re here you work at night “and i work in the day i just don’t think it’s gonna work out” and i said “okay”\\xa0 and we were apart for about six months and i missed her so much but i kept resisting calling her ’cause i wanted to give her space and every once in a while i’d get a glimmer of hope in the form of a text message from “jen irish pub nice” and it would just say “hi” and i’d write back “hi” it was the smallest form of communication two people could have with one another but i think in some ways kept us together and finally on new year’s i caved in and i called her i said “hey i really miss you and i want to see you” and we got together for coffee and we hit it off just like we used to and we decided we would get back together we had a great period there you know i took her to get a license and a passport first we went for her social security card and then we took that to the dmv and then we mailed all of that to the government for a passport it was like the triple crown of identifications jenny was wildly identifiable one night she was heading back from my apartment to hers and she stops and i said “what” and she says “i think that we should live together” and i said “no i really don’t think that’s a good idea “you know i’ve just decided you know as a principle “i’m not gonna get married or live with someone it’s not personal” and she said “well unless we live together “i just don’t think it’s gonna work out “’cause we just don’t see each other enough “and i don’t think that we stand a chance that’s how i feel” so we moved in together and one day jenny gets an invitation to the wedding of one of her friends and she invites me to come along and i said “oh no thanks” that doesn’t go over so well she says “why” and i said “well as you know “i don’t believe in marriage and so i don’t buy into the flamboyant pageantry that goes into celebrating it” she said “well what do you believe in” and i said “i don’t know” she said “well if you don’t believe in anything how can you not believe in marriage” and i said “well first of all “you know it just doesn’t seem necessary “i mean is it… you know “marriage is an archaic institution “invented in the middle ages based on exchanging property “i don’t want to be a part of that “second of all i don’t even think we have “a common cultural understanding of what marriage even is “i mean one of me and andy’s friends “was about to get engaged and we were skeptical “and we said ‘are you sure this is the person “you want to be with for the rest of your life’ “and he goes ‘yeah i think so’ “and we said ‘well what if she gets in a car accident “and she’s disfigured would you stay with her then’ “and he said ‘maybe’ “that is not an acceptable answer “third of all if i’m so in love “why does it need to be written into a government contract “and i’m not one of these like “‘i don’t want government up in my business’ kind of people “i think the government does a nice job “delivering the mail and suggesting i don’t eat poison “but i just don’t understand why they need to be involved “in my personal relationships “then finally if marriage is religious “shouldn’t i believe in the religion “i’ve been to more weddings of my friends “where the people on the altar don’t believe “in the religion of the church they’ve invited us to “some of them even go to classes with the priest “in advance to more elaborately lie “about believing in a religion they don’t believe in “just to have a wedding in a fancy building “that is insane that’s how i feel” so i explain this to jenny and jenny says “well if you ever did want to get married i would marry you” and i said “why aren’t you listening to any of this” and jenny says “that’s how i feel” at this point it was  in the morning we’d been arguing all night and we hadn’t slept i had to catch a flight at  am out of newark airport to los angeles for a show i was doing that night at this point i’m overtired and i’m angry and i’m late i’m stuffing my things in my roller suitcase and i walk out of our apartment it’s  am that part of the morning before the earth even exists before they program the matrix or whatever you walk out of your apartment part of the road isn’t even there there’s a guy with a laptop going “we need a road stat what’s the code for building tank” you know and i get to the airport the news hasn’t even started yet it’s just an anchor looking around like “what are you up to” and i get to the kiosk and i print up my ticket and i bring it to the security lady and she look',\n",
       "  's at me and she goes “well that ain’t your gate” like i guess they changed the gate but the way she said it was as though i had participated in the decision of changing it i was like “i was not involved in this process i wasn’t even cc’d” like as though i had gone to the kiosk and been like “ like hell i’m flying out of ” and then i photoshopped my own ticket printed it out and been like “this is where i’m going” you know i’m not that aggressive as a traveler so i was like “well where is this gate” she goes “it’s in another terminal you got to take a tram” she points to the tram and i start walking my roller suitcase and i hear her say “and you better run” like i guess i was late at that point so i started running and the roller suitcase does not enjoy running the roller suitcase was like “i don’t want to run i have wheels” and i was like “i don’t want to run either but this is what we have to do “i tell you what when we get to the hotel i’ll walk you in circles for a few hours” then i… i get to the tram and it has that feature where it says how many minutes before the next tram arrives and it says zero minutes i was like “perfect that’s exactly how long i want to wait” but the tram’s riding away i was like “that’s  minute” then it says ten minutes and i’m experiencing that psychological downward spiral like “oh great i’m gonna miss my flight “and then i’m gonna miss every flight from now on “and i’m gonna miss my family reunion “and then i’m not gonna have a family and then i’m gonna be a crack whore” and it’s like all of a sudden i’m a crack whore just because i miss this one flight i can feel the cancer forming in my body in real time and…i get on the next tram ten minutes later and i run to the gate and i’m sweaty and i’m out of breath but i’m on time and i’m so relieved that i sit down in a chair at the gate and i fall asleep and i wake up to the sound of the door shutting i jump up and the door is closed and i am on the sad side of the door the happy side has an airplane and a pilot the sad side is me and the cinnabon lady normally i’d be very excited if it were just me and the cinnabon lady i’m a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that have enough calories for a year i think that’s an effective use of time but in this instance i needed someone who could communicate with the people on the plane and the cinnabon lady is not very well connected in the airline community i was like “do you know these people” she was like “all i know is the white stuff goes on the cinnamon bun” i ran up to the giant glass window i started pounding on the window like in a romantic comedy i was like “drew barrymore’s character come back” she didn’t come back and i missed my flight i got on the next one they could get me on there was a stopover in texas you know how i feel about texas and uh i get to los angeles late that night and i’d missed my show i’d never missed one of my shows before and i’m so angry and jenny’s calling me but i’m not picking up the phone ’cause i’m blaming this entire day on her i get back to my friend andy’s house and i said “andy this relationship is messing up my entire life” and andy goes “you’re right” i go “i know i’m right” he goes “yeah you’re right” i go “i know i’m right i got to tell her about this in the morning” i drive out of andy’s small road and i’m tboned that’s the culinary way of describing it in   seconds i’m spun around and i think i’m dead no wait i’m paralyzed and then i hear nothing then i hear the other car skid out and drive away  minutes later i’m sitting on a curb at this point the police have arri… have arrived as well as my friend andy and that’s when i start crying you know how when you drop a baby on the ground it doesn’t… doesn’t start crying right away because it doesn’t understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground until it sees your face and then it’s like “oh i guess i should be doing something “that matches that waah” i’m crying because i’m looking at my totaled car in front of me and realizing that in that moment i might have ceased to exist like i said earlier i don’t really believe in anything so in my mind that would have been the end of all things i’d experienced in my life every kiss or failed kiss or scrambler ride would come to a conclusion and… the officer comes over and he says “what happened” and i said “i got hit by this car “and then i heard nothing and then i heard the other car skid out and drive away” the officer points over to the light the other car has made a right turn at the light and veered into this very skinny tree i can’t help but think “that’s karma that’s a hit and run and hit” and then the officer puts this form in my face and he goes “sign this” and i said “well what does it mean” and he goes “it means you’re okay and that we can leave” i was really shaken up i was like “i don’t know if i’m okay” and he goes “just sign it” which is a very unattractive quality when someone just repeats a command that you’ve just said no to and it’s unattractive but very effective you know i signed it andy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution but we have to wait two hours ’cause the other driver had beat us there and… eventually we’re with the doctor and andy says to him he goes “well was the other guy drunk” and the doctor says “well i can’t answer that” and andy says “was he” he uses the technique we had learned earlier and it works you know the doctor says “well he’s heading to jail now” and andy and i flash each other a look like the hardy boys like “case closed” a few hours later we’re back at andy’s house it’s probably around  in the morning and i have one of these epiphanies people sometimes',\n",
       "  ' have when they have neardeath experiences i say “i need to call jenny and tell her that we need to get married” and andy says “mike… sleep on it” and i said “no no no this makes perfect sense” and i pick up my phone and i dial her number and he puts his hand over the phone and he says “mike… sleep on it” he saves me the next morning i fly back to new york and a few weeks later i get a call from my rental car agency explaining that the accident report had come back on the accident that i just described and it had found me at fault and that i owed… and i’m not making this up…  for the repairs on the other driver’s mercedes suv and i was like “well this can’t be happening” i explained to the woman “i think it’s a misunderstanding “the other guy was clearly drunk it was definitely not my fault” and she said “i’m really sorry but unless they change the accident report you owe this money” so i requested the accident report and i’m gonna show you the actual accident report tonight i don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of these things before… but it’s a little bit like homework for cops and officer timson not so good with the homework he consistently mixes up passenger one and passenger two vehicle one and vehicle two at one point so badly that he says … that’s me… started to go but all of a sudden … that’s me also… came at a high rate of speed crashing into him now i’m pretty selfdestructive as a person but i would never crash into my own car with my own car nor would i understand how you could do that this part is even crazier the other driver’s statement at the scene of the accident was “i was on venice going… uh i’m not too sure “i was going away from the beach “i was driving “i don’t know what happened “did i hurt anyone “i don’t know where i was going “but i came from home i had a sip of beer” which is really everyone’s favorite quantity of beer just the one sip right that’s what they serve these days at the homebeachpubso all of it’s mine the officer makes one key mistake he checks the box that finds me at fault so i’m like “i need to get officer timson on the phone so we can clear up this misunderstanding” the problem is he keeps ducking my calls and i know ’cause i’m calling two or three times a day leaving messages calling departments next to his department so he knows i’m trying to reach him and finally after a month of this i get him on the phone and i’m so relieved and i explain this misunderstanding and he listens to me and he says “do the right thing and pay for the guy’s car” i know and i mean that’s what i said i go “aren’t you listening to any of this” i go “and this guy was clearly drunk “i mean he nearly killed me “inches from where he hit “and i would be dead right now “and he wants me to pay for his car “don’t you see how crazy that is just as one human being to another” and he says “do the right thing and pay for the guy’s car” and he hangs up the phone and at this point this stops being about money and it’s just about stopping a man who has no regard for people or the law this is chinatown so i started printing up google maps of the scene of the accident and california state driving law i’m on the phone with lawyers and private investigators there’s only one lawyer who would consider the case and he was an accident lawyer and he said “did you have any loss of income from the accident” and i said “no” and he says “did you have any loss of income from the accident” and i said “no this isn’t about money” and he doesn’t take the case and this is when i start going completely madi’m up to about  or  am every night just surfing the web i get a subscription to a site called netdetectivecom which is a great site for vigilantes who have  so now i know this guy’s name i know where he lives i know what he does for a living and in my mind it becomes like a trailer for a revenge thriller like “jim bosworth thought he was gonna get away with this “but jim bosworth had another thing coming mike birbiglia” i was like “i’m gonna track down jim bosworth “i’m gonna sue jim bosworth and i’m gonna sue the entire los angeles police department” at this point people stopped talking to me entirely my friends would call me like “hey what’s going on” i’d be like “i’ll tell you what’s going on” i’d tell them this whole story and they’d be like “you should get a lawyer” i’d be like “this is way past lawyers a lawyer wouldn’t even touch this” ‘cause he wouldn’tthe only person who would talk to me at this point was jenny one night we were out to dinner at a restaurant and she’s talking to me but i’m not listening ’cause i’m writing down ideas i have for the case on my napkin i’ve drawn out a diagram of the intersection and the angles the cars are coming from and going to and the lanes that we were in the laws the other driver broke and the phone numbers i’m gonna call that week and i’m so angry i’m writing over my own handwriting to the point where i’m ripping through the napkin and jenny looks at me and she says “what are you doing” and i said “well this is my case” and she says “well why don’t you work on that in the morning” and i said “well which part of this napkin don’t you understand” jenny says “mike… “you’re right “but it’s only hurting you “and i’m just so glad that you’re alive and i think that we should focus on that” she only has to say it once and i give up the case and i pay for this guy’s car july   jenny and i went to city hall and got married i still didn’t believe in the idea of marriage and i still don’t but i believe in her and i’ve given up on the idea of being right thank you guys very much thank you thank you guys so much thanks for coming here tonight and joining'],\n",
       " ['hello hello how you doing great thank you wow calm down shut the fuck up thank you what a lovely welcome i’m gonna try my hardest tonight you’re thinking “relax we’ve had our money’s worth just seeing you” what you’re a legend shut up what is he i’m not a god i’m just an ordinary guy you know going round talking to people sort… sort of like jesus… in a way… but better well i’ve actually turned up so… thank you and welcome to my new show humanity i don’t know why i called it that i’m not a big fan i prefer dogs… obviously dogs are better people than people aren’t they they’re amazing dogs they’re our best friends they guard us they guide us there’s medical detection dogs that can smell if you’ve got… aids i’m not a doctor… but their noses are a thousand times more sensitive than ours so they go “cor you’re well hiv fuck” you know and you go “you can smell aids on someone” yeah “why didn’t you smell it on the bloke i brought home last night you fucking idiot” they did the first three billion years by themselves evolution and all that then we got involved and did some selective breeding getting them how we wanted to do jobs for us bit stronger faster whatever they’re great at the jobs they’re bred to do they love the job they’re bred to do they’re genetically hardwired to love that behavior although the rhodesian ridgeback was bred to hunt lions i can’t help but think it was a shock to it when it found out so we’ve got all the pedigrees for miles around a big passingout parade there’s a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard he goes “right dogs” they go “what” “who wants to know what job they got” “we all do we all do” “okay labradors” “yeah” “do you like carefully bringing back dead ducks” “yeah” “that’s your job” “amazing that is amazing that is my favorite job that is my favorite job” “jack russells” “yeah” “you like shooting down rabbit holes” “yeah” “that’s your job” “fuckin’ hell best day ever best day ever” “miniature poodles” “yeah” “do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals” “yeah” “that’s your job” that’s your job “ridgebacks” “yo” “you’re hunting lions” “what” “you’re hunting lions” “fuck off” “yeah you are” “no we’re not look lions we’ll get fucking mashed why can’t the rottweilers hunt lions” “they’re shaking babies” good boy good boy you shake that baby if you want good boy cheers this is my first new standup for seven years if you don’t count the golden globes which you shouldn’t the golden globes\\xa0very different god a different vibe two hundred million people watching and it’s live big thrill but with that many people watching there’s a bit of stick everyone’s different everyone’s a blogger everyone goes “i was offended” “why” “he said an horrible thing” “he said loads of horrible things” “yeah but that was a thing that i care about” that’s the thing about offense it’s about personal feelings i don’t care about the backlash “comedian in hot water” you know my girlfriend jane she worries and she reads things “what have you said” “don’t worry they won’t come to the house fuck ’em” so i wind her up i pretend i’m gonna say much worse things than i ever would i have to make up worse jokes than i actually… just to scare my girlfriend when i do the golden globes we go out about a week before it’s in la we fly out i’m writing jokes as the ceremony approaches they release more presenters i take my pick “i got a good intro for them yeah mel gibson i’ll introduce him yes” about three days before this last one just to wind jane up i said “i got a good intro” she went “what” i said “bill cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch please welcome helen mirren” i didn’t do it she said “you won’t do that” i said “no” next day i got her again i said “is this too much” i said “not even bill cosby carries enough tranquilizer to bring down this next magnificent beast please welcome melissa mccarthy” i didn’t do it i would never… i’d never… tell a joke like that it’s horrible i was just doing it to annoy jane i’d never even… think… of that so don’t… even on the day on the way to the red carpet in the limo i said “i’ll start\\xa0with a funny oneliner an oldfashioned joke” she went “what” i said “what did the deaf dumb and blind orphan get for christmas” jane went “i don’t know” i said “cancer” i didn’t do it so… you’re getting offended at a joke that doesn’t exist so… i’d never say that in public so… to anyone who mattered anyway so don’t… i didn’t have to worry about offending anyone it just happens the big controversy last time i did it was a caitlyn jenner joke outrage on twitter the next day i mean a couple of people going “it was transphobic” it wasn’t transphobic in the slightest it was a joke about a trans person but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence and that’s the other thing about offense people mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target they’re not necessarily the same i’ll tell you the joke you make your minds up it’s live so they go “your host for the  annual golden globes awards please welcome ricky gervais” they’re all clapping the actors are smiling at me nervously it’s brilliant right so i just go “relax i’m gonna be nice tonight i’ve changed not as much as bruce jenner obviously” and i go\\xa0“now caitlyn jenner of course” and what a year she’s had became a role model for trans people everywhere bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes she didn’t do a lot for w',\n",
       "  'omen drivers…” that’s a clever joke i’ll tell you why right it’s layered no listen right the subject of that joke is stereotypes i’m playing with the notion of stereotypes i start by saying she’s a real woman a liberal progressive attitude then if she’s a real woman i hit them with the oldfashioned stereotype she must be a bad driver then right the target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car let’s not forget that shall we a celebrity killing someone in their car running home and popping on a dress that’s… the target of the joke just so we’re clear okay she was interviewed a week later at a\\xa0press conference for a show of hers now cancelled and… one of the press said “what do you think of the ricky gervais joke” she went “maybe i should host the golden globes” and they tweeted that and ed me in because they want a celebrity feud it was clickbait i rose to the bait obviously… i just sent back “let her host just don’t let her drive” another website that was in the room entertainment weekly they tweeted a different headline and they ed me in their headline was “caitlyn finally breaks silence over ricky gervais” i just sent back “at last she always brakes too late” bring it on bring it on but i’m a considered comedian i like my jokes to be accurate and my targets to be fair so i was engaging these people saying “why is it transphobic” they said “it’s about a trans person” that’s ridiculous that’s like saying a joke about bill cosby is automatically racist it depends on the joke but i’m willing to learn i found out my crime was that i deadnamed her i’d never heard that term before a day after the golden globes and that was saying her old name and even acknowledging she used to be a man but she did i saw him on the olympic games he was a decathlete\\xa0he was in everything all over the place shot put and pole vault he won a medal he was famous he was on telly all the time you know a big… famous… man with a huge… i don’t know i’m guessing probably he was big but i’ve learnt my lesson now i know it’s wrong i’d never deadname her now but years ago when she was a… man… years ago i’m saying and she went to the… doctor… and… knocked on the door the doctor went “come in” this is years ago i’d never deadname her now but this is like… a flashback before anyone… you know what… so… so like “come in” and he went “hello bruce jenner” because that… that was his name… then the doctor– this was years ago… the doctor went “all right bruce jenner how you doing you fucker you big old lunk how you doing come here you you fucker how you doing brucie boy” and bruce jenner– that was\\xa0his name this is years ago right so… bruce jenner went “yeah yeah not too bad doctor yeah” “what can i do for you bruce you fucker how you doing boy” and bruce jenner went– that was his name bruce jenner went… “look at that” the doctor went “come on bruce jenner you know the rules” he uses his whole name every time for some reason… “come on bruce jenner you fucker you know the rules you can’t bring your big old pole vaulting pole in here mate” bruce jenner went “no that’s not my pole that’s my enormous penis” “well seeing as it’s your penis you can bring it in here but you should have left your shot puts outside” and bruce jenner went… that was his name for… fiftyeight years i think he went “no they’re not my shot puts doctor they’re my enormous testicles” that’s where i keep my testosterone and my spunk and shit right and the doctor went “oh yeah that makes perfect– i’m a medical man you’re a big bloke you fucker how you doing boy you’re a big… you’re big and you would have a big old… cock and… balls they’re beautiful” bit familiar innit “no you must be very proud of them bruce” bruce went “this is going to surprise you doctor i wanna get rid of them” and the doctor went “what why” “oh they get in the way” “in the way of what” “fucking driving for one thing” so i’m engaging these people and i’m saying “but i had to say her old name that’s the joke i say “i’ve changed not as much as bruce jenner” then i do the joke” but no this is my second crime i say she hasn’t changed she’s always identified\\xa0as a woman that means she’s a woman fine if that’s the rules if you feel you’re a woman you are i’m not a bigot who thinks having all that done is science going too far in fact i don’t think it’s going far enough cause i’ve always identified as a chimp right well i am a chimp if i say i’m a chimp i am a chimp preop but… don’t ever deadname me don’t call me ricky gervais again from now on you call me bobo i’m gonna have species realignment i’m halfway there i’m short with short legs and long arms i stoop my back’s getting hairier by the day i’ve got fangs like that i love nuts i love nuts once i was at the zoo and people were looking at me so i just started masturbating like… so… i am a chimp right i am a chimp if i say i’m a chimp i’ve got to live as a chimp for a year then have hormones get me all nice and hairy that’d be lovely i’m gonna stay a male chimp… so i can keep all that right male heterosexual chimp keep the same girlfriend jane would be happy she loves me she loves chimps so… you know i reckon that’s got to be easier for a man to turn into a chimp we’re so close than for a man to turn\\xa0into a woman in many ways a bit of hair and a top lip like that as opposed to your cock and balls ripped off… and a hole gouged out into– i’m not a doctor but that is… the gist of it i k',\n",
       "  'now which one i’d rather have done i’m not saying chimps are better than women no way right any ladies here i can’t see you but to me every single one of you is equal… to a chimp so… so i’d have all that done hair and that i’d do all that all the… i’ll retain the ability to speak english like in emergencies i’m talking to jane she’s going “what is it” “what is it bobo” “you left the fucking oven on there’s a fire” are you saying that if caitlyn jenner was being chased by a wolf and there was a big fence but she had a long pole she’d… revert she’d be over that fucking… easy so i’d have all that done top lip doing all that right i’ll be legally a chimp i’ll be well… properly chimpedup i’ll be able to use chimp toilets i’ll be walking along holding jane’s hand “come on bobo” right we don’t hold hands now i don’t know why she’s all over me now i’m a chimp but we’ll be all in love maybe matching jumpers “come on bobo” in love just two… like that then if a bigot in a van slows down and goes “that’s fucking disgusting” i’ll fling shit at him and run up a tree and that’s why that joke isn’t transphobic so… cheers so humanity what is humanity what are we well we’ve touched upon it there we’re great apes not metaphorically we’re literally great apes we are  genetically identical to a chimpanzee we’re closer to chimps than chimps are to gorillas we left our common ancestor about six million years ago we have the same life cycle same as any other animal which is… our parents mate… we’re born… we grow… we mate… our parents die… our friends die… and then we die now… my sevenyearold niece didn’t like hearing that but i said “you’ve gotta learn stop crying” i said “you’re seven you know… today so… any more grizzling and this party’s cancelled so…” let’s take the first of those birth it’s odd because a human is born before the end of its natural gestation period i mean because of our evolution our brain is so big we have to get that huge head out early that’s why the skull is in parts and supple then we go on gestating outside the womb that’s why we’re so useless look at other mammals a giraffe is walking along it goes “i’m proper pregnant” right i’m gonna have a baby giraffe right here yeah there it is see you later and the baby goes “mum” it’s got to be fucking ready we’re… we’re helpless right just think nine months we’re growing in this perfect environment everything’s… it’s like being in a little kate bush video right then suddenly you’re being squeezed out of an hole near an ass you’re covered in shit there’s screaming you go “i can’t breathe” someone goes “yes you fucking can” the first one second of life\\xa0on earth you don’t know where you are you can’t choose where you’re born i was\\xa0born in whitley estate in reading right i wouldn’t have chosen that i’d have chosen hampstead i did choose hampstead it just took\\xa0 years to be able to afford it very different very different my upbringing to how i live now now i live a privileged life hampstead is ridiculous it’s a rarefied place it’s like the grandchildren of poets and painters and me new money right but growing up it was tough i don’t know about now but in my day my estate was rough and scary it felt like wildlife i was weak and vulnerable there was danger round every corner my school was on my street and i ran there every day so i didn’t get mugged or molested there weren’t many pedophiles\\xa0in reading the murderers had killed a lot but there was still a couple i moved to hampstead oh my god there’s no crime i saw a knife once in hampstead it was a palette knife just a bloke oil painting in the middle of the street broad daylight noone gobbing on it or calling him “bender” it was weird i know my life has changed drastically it wasn’t always like that as a famous person you read about yourself gossip and twitter and everything one thing kept cropping up even as i prepared for this tour people kept saying “he’s out of touch he’s so famous he’s rich he’s megarich” i am right i could have this place burnt down for a laugh no but they say things like “he’s an observational comedian how can he say things that relate to ordinary… scum” and i say i say “don’t call them scum right” but even the papers they try and… get around to it i do interviews and they’ll always say “do you always fly first class” i go “no often private” right the number of times i’ve answered this question they say “do you know how much a pint of milk is” to make you look out of touch i don’t know but that’s irrelevant next time a journalist asks me i’ll say “i don’t know but here’s\\xa0a grand run and get me one” is that enough that enough yeah another question i always get particularly with the posh sundays doing a profile piece they’re still trying to alienate you make you look different they say things like “you don’t have children” i say “no” “why don’t you have children” which is an odd question why don’t you have children as opposed to asking people “why do you have children” let’s ask the fat lady in the leggings why she’s had eight shall we nine that one just fell out that one didn’t even touch the sides or… disturb her cigarette that one just… go and claim for that people say it’s selfish to not have children how is it selfish to not bring\\xa0a life into the world that doesn’t exist on any level there’s not a cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going “we want to be born” right but i’ve thought about it and there’s three reason',\n",
       "  's i don’t have children three main reasons and i’ll share them with you three reasons one there’s millions the world’s overpopulated noone’s going “rick’s not having kids we’re gonna run out fuck” two kids are scroungers aren’t they i mean from day one it’s all “me me me” isn’t it “feed me” “clothe me” “pay for my chemotherapy” no… no not my problem son not mine luck of the draw boy luck of the draw it costs the average household in the west  to bring up a child and they don’t want to pay you back they’re not grateful they don’t go “thanks for having me” it’s “i didn’t wanna be born” even if they get a top job which they won’t you’ll never see that money back they’ll just put you in a home okay and my kid he’d be born into ridiculous wealth wouldn’t he so… he’d be a little cunt a little hampstead cunt… running around with all the other fucking little hampstead cunts being all hampstead and cunty “i’m a little hampstead cunt” yes i know “these are my cunty friends” i know it’s obvious i can tell from your little fucking cunty hats that you’re little hampstead cunts you little posh hampstead… first he’d know he was a little hampstead cunt “i’m a little…” yes we know everyone knows right he’d know that right on the other hand he’d know he’d never live up to being as brilliant as his dad i’d say “i worked my way up from nothing and you’re just a useless hampstead cunt” he’d go “yeah” and that would probably prey on his little mind a bit eleven twelve he’d be naughty run with the wrong crowd try and get out from under my shadow then he’d turn to drugs about  he’d come home and overdose on my afghan rug twenty grand that was right and as he was there convulsing and throwing up his fucking lungs right and with his little posh highpitched fucking death rattle… his little fucking dying words he’d go “do you love me now daddy” no no no i never did that’s why you’ll never be born you useless fucking junkie hampstead cunt and three… i’d worry sick about him you know no i would\\xa0i’ve only got a cat now and i worry sick about her i check the door three times when i go out so she doesn’t escape i put food and water in every room in case the door shuts and she’s peckish a human baby oh my god the responsibility of a human life i’d watch it sleep you know we said how weak and vulnerable they are oh my god you perfect little thing oh you flesh of my flesh now go to sleep in your expensive cot like that night night sleep tight don’t let the bedbugs… dead yeah just… why why is it dead it’s just fucking dead look fuck’s sake fucking hell what the… what a fucking waste of time that was fuck’s sake embarrassing “jane” “what” “come here” “i’m in the shower” “come here” “what” “fucking dead already i didn’t… just fucking… fucking hell jane you call that a baby that is…” if jane was out i’d have to text her wouldn’t i what could you… “baby’s dead” she’d come back “what the fuck” i’d go “yep… forget the pampers lol” but even if it made it through the terrifying cot years and it was a toddler running around head height to my antique tables with their sharp edges i’d have to pad them so it didn’t run into it cave its head in and die then social services come round and say “is this your child mr gervais” “yeah” “what happened here then” i go “it’s a fucking idiot” i did think of adopting for a while a little third world child because that would tick all three boxes one i wouldn’t be adding to the population problem i’d be alleviating an existing problem a young kid born through no fault of his own into abject poverty he would have died i can literally save his life and give him a great upbringing right two he would be grateful wouldn’t he he’d wanna pay me back woudn’t he particularly if i let him know the\\xa0other kids in the village weren’t so lucky they didn’t… they didn’t make it out right i’d tell him that early on so he really bucked his ideas up i’d go “tunde come here come here yeah yeah go and pop a shirt on you’re not in africa now that’s better yeah tunde look– yeah water straight out of a tap innit yes yeah yeah no it’s not free it’s hampstead you know but… yeah course it’s safe safe fresh drinking water have as much as you want have a bucket full fresh drinking water there you go go and clean the car go on” no i’d go “look remember all your friends in the village back in africa they’re all dead a rich man didn’t save them and bring them to hampstead do you wanna pay me back” “yeah” “yeah i bet you do” the good thing about them is they can start work when they’re about… six i just call up nike and i go… “do you still make your stuff in sweatshops got a great little worker here yeah pound a day’s fine he’s gotta start somewhere and three… if he ran round and caved his head in… and died and social services came round and said “is this your child mr gervais” i’d go “does it look like mine” i’d go… “this is hampstead it’s obviously broken in” that’s why i don’t have kids even though i don’t have children of my own people still show me photos of theirs like i give a shit i don’t mean my own family they’ve given up i’ve got older brothers and sisters they’ve had loads of kids and their kids have kids and then their kids there’s about  i don’t know\\xa0all their names i see them at christmas it’s all “uncle ricky” they know i’ve got a bit of cash they go through my pockets and then fuck off it’s like being mugged by mice right i don’t mean them i mean strangers i c',\n",
       "  'ould be busy i could be working like on the set of a tv or film or something stressed producing or directing it you get someone who’s in for one day with one line or a stuntman they introduce themselves “good be with you in a minute” then they hover “busy” i go “yeah yes yeah” they go “working the weekend” i go “not filming but i’ll be in the edit” “i’m taking my youngest to ballet lessons” “ah great great” “yeah she’s eight” “i’ve got a photograph” i go “you know what show me it if she goes missing i’ll keep an eye open in the woods” you’ve gotta go through the whole polite rigmarole and go “she’s beautiful” it’s gotta be long\\xa0too short it’s awkward they know you go “yeah right” too long and it’s like “she’s… she’s fucking beautiful” it’s a minefield innit so… i’m not out of touch but i am spoiled there’s a difference i didn’t have any money until i was  i’ve got the same family friends and values but i am spoiled because opportunity and privilege spoils you and it doesn’t take much i’l give you an example when i first made it in america the next time we flew we’re met by a bloke in a suit and a thing and he just walked us past the queue and straight out the other side the first time you’re horrified “everyone’s looking” pretending to be late baseball cap oh god next time we flew i went “where’s that bloke i’m not queueing” it’s quick when i fly to the states i’ve got a place there but i’m always working so someone else is paying so i go first class ba it doesn’t get any better even if i was paying i’d still go first class but jane would probably be in coach… it’s ten grand a pop that new planet of the apes movie’s on she’ll love that she’ll be up for that but when someone else is paying i say “jane get up here with me” right front two seats… they board us early we’re on the plane about  minutes before anyone else god they bring round these snacks these warmed caramelized nuts in a bowl champagne it’s great it’s like a day off no phone or anything it’s like\\xa0a holiday flying to the statesi could do without the safety video that’s always a bit of a downer and totally pointless if you hit the side of a mountain at  miles per hour the brace position does fuck all imagine if that worked you’re going down the plane smashes you go “i’ll try it” you do that ball of flames you wake up everyone’s dead you go “fucking hell that’s amazing that is” and they always use that voice don’t they that calming hypnotic voice like “nothing bad will happen” they’re saying horrendous things but nothing bad will happen because i’m using this voice don’t worry things like “in the event of the plane landing on water–” it smashes the fuck to bits right they say “in the event of the plane landing on water your life jacket is equipped with a whistle” a fucking whistle so the plane hits the water smashes to bits everyone’s dead except you by a miracle you’re bobbing around in the atlantic ocean four degrees that water is you’ve got about  minutes before hypothermia sets in or you’re eaten by a shark or you drown you’re hoping they’ve sent airsea rescue you’re going “god i’m\\xa0gonna die i don’t know what i’m doing” hold on i mean air sea rescue… i don’t know if you’ve ever been\\xa0in a helicopter o course you haven’t but… they’re fucking loud it’s like having your head in a washing machine you have to wear ear plugs and defenders your teeth rattle it’s like… like that over the atlantic ocean at night never gonna happen if you crash you die right but apart from that it’s brilliant right… i was flying heathrow to jfk just before christmas right boarded us early on the plane she comes round “champagne in a wine glass like you like it mr gervais” she goes off i go “have you got\\xa0any of them warm nuts” she went “we’re not handing out nuts on this flight a lady’s getting on who’s so allergic even someone eating nuts nearby would cause her to have a fatal reaction” i went “oh my god of course” i was fuming i mean… what’s that got to do with me why can’t i eat nuts just cause… fucking… this woman will… die right nuts how has she lived this long if walking by a nut kills you… if being… just near a nut… how has she never been near a nut… before and how has she lived long enough having never been near a nut how has she lived long enough to earn enough money to be near me on a plane right honestly it’s… and if being near a nut kills you do we really want that in the gene pool i mean… i never wanted nuts more i felt she was\\xa0infringing on my human right to eat nuts and this is how spoiled i am okay i actually had this thought i thought “oh i wish i’d brought my own nuts on” right i thought for a second but that wouldn’t work she’d get on and start blowing up like a frog right like that… and… die and someone would go “ricky gervais brought his own nuts on” you know right so i don’t take my own nuts on now before i fly i have a shower and then i rub myself all over… in nuts… just in case then i go “can i have any nuts” they go “no sorry this lady would die” “yeah not a problem” lady gets on sits down starts blowing up like a frog… i go “what’s the matter” i touch her all over “what’s the matter” she goes “nuts” right and dies and i go “who’s been eating nuts” i get off scotfree so i got to america i went on a chat show tonight show with jimmy fallon and i told that story the whole thing it went well audience laughed great went out next day on twitter outrage by “outrage” i mean one pe',\n",
       "  'rson going “how dare you” this woman goes “i saw you on\\xa0jimmy fallon making fun of nut allergies my daughter’s nutintolerant how dare you” i go “who is this woman” she’s tweeted  times she starts ing nbc and jimmy fallon i go “what’s this how many followers twentythree ignore it” you know when you’re being told off and they use your own words against you like a teacher going “so you find so and so funny” and cause the teacher’s really angry yes you do find that thing funny whatever… she said… “would you find it funny if my daughter blew up like a frog” yeah yeah you saying that… yes if you said that at the funeral i would yeah… so someone else gets involved ohio moms against nuts right and she does a blog and they’re talking to each other and she puts me in her blog about how disgusting i am one filmed her little girl put it on youtube and sent me it i opened it sweet little girl seven years old and she went “dear mr gervais i have a fatal nut allergy” delete not my problem right ignore ignore ignore right but then one of them said something that reeled me in just cause i’m this selfconfessed twitter police i try and explain to someone every day what freedom of speech means particularly in the context of comedy and in the context of a joke a joke about a bad thing isn’t as bad as the bad thing or necessarily condoning the bad thing it could be anti the bad thing it depends on the actual joke and this woman said… “you should never make jokes about food allergies” i should have left it right i sent back “i make jokes about aids cancer famine and the holocaust and you’re telling me i should never joke about food allergies” she sent back “yes\\xa0but the holocaust didn’t kill children” well… it did didn’t it it was horrible the holocaust some would say as bad as food allergies “didn’t kill children…” jesus it did kill children hitler killed  million people many of them children i have to say hitler you couldn’t make him up the worst human being to walk the face of the earth he is a crazy… evil racist narcissistic serial killer just terrible but… if i was throwing a dinner party and i’d been slaving over a hot stove and i was getting everything ready and there was one place left and i had to… either invite hitler or that little girl with food allergies… i know who’d ruin that party more everyone’s enjoying it “everything okay” “ja ist\\xa0yummy” right he’s loving it i go “cheers you fucker how you doing boy” she’s going “i can’t eat that” fucking hell “who wants ferrero rocher” “me” “all right here” “i can’t eat them” oh fuck off home rightthat’s what the world’s like people see something they don’t like they expect it to stop as opposed to deal with their emotions they want us to care about\\xa0their thing as much as they do it’s why the world is getting worse and the world is getting worse i think i’ve lived through the best  years of humanity…  to  the peak of civilization for everything for tolerances for freedoms for communication for medicine now it’s going the other way a bit last couple of years just a little blip maybe i’m not saying this because i’m old old people say things like “oh everything was better when i was a kid” course it was you were a kid everything’s better when you’re a kid being old is the shit bit whatever’s happening being old is… i wake up these days and i go “oh fuck i didn’t die” gotta do it all again i’m usually hung over headache liver pains i can’t walk for the first five minutes ’cause i’ve got no joints in my knees i’m getting fat again now right i was thin till i was about \\xa0proper skinny like nine and a half stone then i got a job right and the next sort of  years were what i call my eating years… and i just got steadily fatter and fatter until i reached a peak of unwellness and blobbiness when i was about  years old there was one christmas i was at home lying on the floor… and… i was saying to jane “i’m having a heart attack” right and honestly my heart rate was like  i felt nauseous i had palpitations i was sweating because i’d eaten eleven sausages true story right i was like one of them snakes like when you see a big like… python swallow a pig whole and then it’s just fucked it’s like… it’ll sit there for a week it’s like a duffel bag just there like that that was me right i wasn’t having a heart attack but it worried jane she said “you gotta look after yourself” i thought “you’re right ” so i started working out right every day i didn’t give anything up i don’t eat meat anymore but i was having   calories\\xa0a day including wine every night but i burnt it off the next day just so i could do all that i worked out every day running weight training… i had more time on my hands than the average person i had a gym in my house i had no excuse i lost  pounds it was great but now i still eat and drink too much but i physically can’t…\\xa0burn off the calories i can’t do enough cause i’m so old and broken and tired so i’m going to get steadily fatter and fatter again and this time i am going to die i’m losing my hair it’s getting really thin i know it looks great from there cheers but… no honestly in a lift with that light directly overhead and the mirror it looks like an xray right i’ll have to buzz that off soon i’d never wear a wig oh my god if you wear a wig or a toupee and you think you’ve got away with it… you haven’t everyone knows everyone knows immediately my brain knows a wig\\xa0has come into the room before i do rig',\n",
       "  'ht i could be at a party it’ll go “there’s a wig in here” i go “is there” “yes there is yeah” spidey senses for the wig it’s obvious the way they smile like nothing’s wrong hiya it’s the telltale signs isn’t it i was put off wigs for life by my uncle reginald great bloke he’s dead now died a few years ago i was only little he went bald in his twenties tragically bald his hair fell out it might have been something like alopecia but he was bald for ten years into his thirties turns up one day at our house… “elvis what is–” i was about eight i said to auntie edna “what happened” she went “it was a miracle” they were lying they were just… everyone knew he was bald but he’d embroiled his family in the lie so they had to lie as well they’re going “yeah it just grew back” there’s so much he wouldn’t do cause he was terrified of the wig coming off we weren’t allowed balloons at parties right auntie edna said “reg is allergic to balloons” he wasn’t allergic he was terrified one of us kids would rub one on our sweater and his wig would fly across the room we’ve got photos in the family album if he’s at a wedding or a christening and he’s holding a baby it’s always at arms’ length like that so it can’t grab his wig it must have been on his mind all the time right it was the only thing he feared the wig coming off in public and this ridiculous lie being exposed he was in the army hard as nails he wasn’t scared of anyone or anything spiders snakes… cancer… how’s the chemo going uncle “not a problem” we’ve got a photo of him the last year i think he was  it must have been the last year he was alive it was a hot day he was in the garden in his little trunks he was a wizened little man by then white chest hair jet black wig still died in it buried in it he’s wearing it now a little skeleton with jet black hair like posh spice for eternity but i knew that was gonna happen i knew i would get old and fat and… ill and blind and deaf and… shit myself and be pushed round in a fucking bucket you’re ready because you’re warned you know about getting old what they don’t talk about so you’re not prepared and it was a shock to me… i only found out recently i’ll share it with you now the distending testicles see you don’t know about it but it happens in your fifties i wasn’t checking them or anything… i didn’t see ’em for  years as a young man they were pert and now they’re like two plums in a sock i don’t know when it happened but it was recently they just… and this is how i found out so as i’ve been getting older and they’ve been secretly stretching away… as i’ve got older i’ve got richer so my baths have been getting more luxurious last year i moved into a new house in hampstead big bath big sunken bath southfacing windows i was in there the first night lovely bath sun streaming in classical music this is the life i looked down and they’re floating right now i’d never dreamt that testicles would float they seem like they’d be heavy you could tie things down with them and they’d sink you know most people never see their… in the sea you’re in trunks in the shower they dangle and baths aren’t usually that deep that was my first thought “oh my god i never thought testicles would float” then my second thought kicked in “hold on this bath’s two feet deep” right i’m sitting on the bottom they’re on top what’s going on right and… i looked and my testicles are now longer than my penis easily by some way right in fact they’d created a little fleshy sort of life raft right my penis was dry just nestled just… floating on top like that like that just bouncing around i should have given it a little whistle i’m just thinking “this is bizarre” fucking hell right and… i thought “maybe it’s a fluke” so i held them under the water for a minute i let them go and they bobbed up they’re really… they’re really buoyant right try it when you get home if you’re in your  and a man obviously or caitlyn jenner but… but the world is getting worse and i blame the beginning of its demise on social media because twitter and facebook that’s where this ridiculous notion bred and became stable that it was more important to be popular than right everything was “like me” “agree with me” it falls into two tribes “i don’t agree with them so i block them” and now in this posttruth era people don’t care about the argument they say “who’s saying the argument no they’re not on our side” it’s ludicrous okay and it also bred this ridiculous notion we’ve always had my opinion is worth as much as yours now it’s my opinion is worth as much as your fact which is nonsense i get tweets from people saying “i believe the earth is  years old” “i believe you’re a fucking idiot” you can’t have an opinion on the age of the earth you can have opinions but not your own facts but it was all about being popular right and even politicians picked up those symptoms politicians tweet now they want to be popular we had a brexit referendum cause they passed the buck they didn’t want to make a mistake and there’s a ridiculous thing of “let’s ask the average person what they think” let’s stop asking the average person what they… do you know how fucking stupid the average person is we still sell bottles of bleach with big labels on that say “do not drink” right let’s take those labels off right for two years and then have a referendum but it’s not just politicians even real news the news on tv says things like “tweet us your n',\n",
       "  'ews” don’t let them tweet you the news “i saw a tyrannosaurus rex” you liar right there was a big news story last year about a train crash that happened a year before and there was an inquiry the results of the inquiry were published and there was an expert on the news he said “we’ve looked at everything and we’ve decided that the speed of the trains was a contributing factor so we’re going to slow them down a bit statistically this shouldn’t happen again” that would have been it but the guy went “we asked the public what they thought” then there was three banal vox pops first one said “i already pay £ a year so i’m not happy” the next one said “it takes me  minutes each way it’s not good enough” the last one said “i say it’s better to arrive at work late than dead” why is that on the news and when is that applicable in any situation all right ted you’re in early ted oh ted we’ve been through this remember i said i’d rather you arrive late than dead but… the big enemy is stupidity… right i wanna share with you the most stupid tweet i ever got now admittedly when i first got on twitter i pushed my agenda i was an outspoken atheist not to change anyone’s opinions i thought it was important to tell the other side there are still  countries where people are put to death for being an atheist i just wanted to say “it’s fine to be an atheist it’s fine to believe in god and it’s fine not to” that’s all i was saying i realized i didn’t have to tweet about religion or atheism i could tweet a fact and that annoyed just the right people i’d tweet things like “happy birthday earth four point six billion years old today” someone would always go “we know what you’re fucking doing” this is a tweet i got\\xa0after one of those and… it was all in capitals which excited me… that’s the sign of twitter madness mixed with anger it’s great right i looked at his profile sure enough he’s a gentleman from texas he’s a fundamentalist creationist christian which is fine he loves god he loves god and… fetuses mainly he loves the fetus from conception to when it turns out gay and then he’s… remember it’s in capitals he’s shouting at me best tweet ever “your science–” my science right science by the way is spelled scients already good isn’t it i mean… he’s obviously heard the word he took a guess… never seen it written down because it’s not in the bible so he’s… “your scients won’t help you… well it will it’s helping him… beam this little message up to a satellite and down to me “your scients won’t help you when satan…” of course he believes in satan why not he believes that god made the universe in six days you’re not gonna say to him “do you believe in satan” and have him say “bit farfetched” why doesn’t god kill satan that’s… what i’d ask him if i was wrong and i met god i’d go “oh you do exist” he’d go “yeah” i’d go “i’ve got a few fucking questions mate the first one would be “why did you make chocolate kill dogs” mental right also if you hate homosexuality so much why did you put the male gspot up the arse what… what is wrong with you then i’d say “why don’t you kill satan” and he’d go “what” i’d go “why don’t you kill satan if he does all the bad stuff and you do\\xa0all the good stuff which you want… i mean you do want–” “yes yeah” “you could kill him if you wanted you can do anything easy” “yeah” “why don’t you kill him then” “because… shut up” “your scients won’t help you when satan is raping your british ass” and he’s got a point because if i die and i find myself in hell being raped by satan… science has pretty much let me down but it’s this last line that he just throws away the line he signs off with makes this the best tweet i’ve ever received “your scients won’t help you when satan is raping your british ass i’ll be laughing” so… he’s there too he’s… so he’s a fundamentalist… christian who’s lived his life by the old and new testaments he dies he wakes up in hell right which must be off the charts on the scale of emotional trauma… “oh my god i’m in hell oh my god why have you forsaken me i’m gonna be tortured for eternity” he sees me getting raped and goes “ha ha ha” he’s suddenly over it is he his day’s suddenly got a little bit brighter and like he’s not next right so i’m getting raped right by the devil right he’s just there “you fucking atheist scum” and i’m like that “yeah whatever” i assume it happens all eternity “yeah yeah whatever” like that i might say “watch your hooves on my testicles” and he’d go “why are they so distended” and i go “oh like you’re brad pitt” you know what i mean sorry are we talking or raping can we… “you lying fucking atheist” he’s probably bored “fucking atheists every fucking day” right his little gargoyle comes up “satan” he goes “what” and i go “yeah what” he goes “there’s a fundamentalist christian” “fuck this” he’d be on him like a ton of bricks so… i got that tweet i loved it all i did was retweet right and just watch the fun people piling on going “ah loser” and he’s fighting back really witlessly saying things like “go fuck your sister you english faggot” that makes no sense at all i forgot about it went and did something else few hours later on twitter again it’s still all going off right it’s really funny i’m laughing at all the replies people saying things to him i’m scrolling down there’s one tweet directly to me from this woman she says “you find rape funny” no no what no… “your mates find rape funny” no liste',\n",
       "  'n right “you find rape funny” listen everyone listen right no… i said to her “i didn’t tweet that” she went “you retweeted it” to show he’s an idiot “but you must find it funny or amusing it’s not a frivolous thing” i said “no well it’s up to him isn’t it he can do it” now i’m arguing with quite a nice sane person who thinks this is mental but i’m fighting for his right… to fantasize about me being raped by the devil because i’m so conscious of “freedom of speech”… what a topsyturvy world right although her opening gambit annoyed me a bit because she did that thing that people do she didn’t say “what you find jokes about rape funny” she said “what you find rape funny” the answer to that is no of course not no one finds rape funny not even rapists find rape funny know what i mean noone ever gives evidence saying “it was dark he wore a ski mask and he was giggling” that’s never… so… i sent back “you mean jokes about rape” she said “yes” i went “depends on the joke” “it fucking doesn’t” i’m going “no it does it does it depends on the joke it’s about context\\xa0it’s about content what do you mean by a rape joke” she said “even a joke with the word ‘rape’ in it is unacceptable” i said “that’s ridiculous it depends what the joke is” i tweeted that clip of me in the office going “i think there’s been a rape up there” everyone gets that because of the context and the target is a middleaged man who’s so narcissistic he’ll say anything to win a silly game you have to understand the joke and where it comes from i said\\xa0“some jokes don’t punch up or down they don’t punch anywhere they can just be a pun a play\\xa0on words that don’t really mean anything” a joke went round when i was a kid even adults told it i’ll tell you a woman goes running into a police station she says “help i’ve been graped” the policeman says “do you mean raped” she says “no there was a bunch of them” that is a rape joke right so… and i even said to her “no i agree in most cases yeah real rape jokes\\xa0they are fucking horrible when the victim is the target disgusting i’d never tell those but it depends on the joke not the word or the subject” i calmed it down and they agreed some jokes are worse than others she ended it by saying “well okay i see your point but… still… i will laugh at a joke with the word ‘rape’ in it when noone in the audience has been raped” i should have left it i just sent back “what a weird door policy” you turn up to a comedy gig pay your money someone says “can i just ask you a question” yeah have you ever been raped i have yes you can’t come in what why a lady says she won’t laugh if you’re in off you go that’s what the world is like people take everything personally they think the world revolves around them particularly on twitter i’m not tweeting anyone i’m just tweeting i don’t know who’s following me i’ve got  million followers they can be following me without me knowing choose to read my tweet and then take that personally that’s like going into a town square seeing a big noticeboard saying “guitar lessons” and you go “but i don’t fucking want guitar lessons” what’s this there’s a number here right call that are you giving guitar lessons i don’t fucking want any fine it’s not for you then just walk away don’t worry about iti should say one thing in twitter’s defense i use it as a marketing tool and for fun like everyone else but one great thing about twitter for me personally i’m very into anti animal cruelty years ago it would take ages to get  signatures on a petition standing outside tesco’s or something that’s the magic number because then it gets heard in parliament i’ve been part of many campaigns through twitter when we’ve got  signatures in days and the law has been changed thank you to those who’ve retweeted about animal cruelty it makes a difference thank you but even something as clear and distinct as animal cruelty you think no one’s gonna argue with that yes they will they just wanna be heard i’ll tweet something about a bull being tortured in a bullring for entertainment i say “ban bullfighting” someone always says “what about the kids in syria” what well i’m not giving you a choice you can do both i’m not saying “throw that kid back in the hole there’s a bull here” and there’s one thing that i didn’t want in my head but it exists so we have to deal with it now that i found out through twitter there’s a thing called the yulin dog meat festival in china every year and it’s horrendous and we send people with money to buy the dogs to bring them back it’s a drop in the ocean they eat thousands over this weekend i tweet the details the petition people don’t really read it it’s a kneejerk people say “racist” i go “what” they go “we eat pigs and cows in the west” yep we do i don’t but yeah i used to you’re right a pig or a cow is worth as much as a dog it’s not about the species it’s what they do to these poor dogs what they do is torture the dogs first ‘cause they think it makes the meat taste better they beat them they blowtorch them they even skin them alive and i saw this picture… on twitter of the opening of this ceremony these two guys in this chinese square and they’re skinning this dog alive it’s screaming they’re laughing it’s the worst thing i’ve ever seen i thought “i’ve got to tweet that” i tweeted the picture with a petition and i just said “one beautiful creature and two ugly cunts skinning it alive” right and it took off loads of ',\n",
       "  'retweets it made the press i got one tweet back from a woman that said “is that language necessary” i should have left it right but i was… i was incensed i said “you’re more offended by a word than by an animal being tortured to death” she said “i just hate the cword” i definitely should have left it i sent back “people who hate the cword would hear it a lot less if they didn’t go round acting like such cunts” thank you you’ve been fantastic good night cheers thank you so much thank you so much i hope you enjoyed the show i hope noone was offended no i really do that’s not the point i’ve always wanted people to know they can laugh at bad things without being bad people i think it’s my upbringing i grew up… in poverty with nothing but the point was to pay your way then have a laugh that was the men the women carried on working it was my older brother bob it was him who i first saw making these dark jokes right in the bad situation as things were happening people were laughing i realized “he’s healing them” that’s what comedy’s for what humor’s for it gets us over bad stuff right typical bob story he once spent an hour in the pound shop in hayling island just asking the cashier how much everything was just to see if he could break this poor man’s will bob was the first person i saw answer back to authority the first authority you come across are your parents and he’d get in trouble he got sent to bed but i thought he’d won the argument and he’d tease my mum my mum was a typical workingclass woman as i say we lived in a shitty area right and most of the houses looked like a bit of mud and a stolen bike and fence posts missing she mended the fence turfed the garden herself painted the step she thought “if it looked\\xa0respectable we’d be respectable” it was about reputation i guess bob would send her postcards that just read “is that pedophile postman still reading your mail” and she’d take it she’d go in and she’d be horrified she’d call bob “he saw it this time you must stop doing that” even at her funeral… my mum died first and my dad carried on for a year or so just drinking beer then he went at mum’s funeral we had different duties i did catering and flowers bob went to see the local vicar that was a mistake right we’d never been to church he didn’t know us we didn’t know him so he said to bob “tell me about your mum so i can say a few words” bob saw that as an opportunity right so bob with a straight face said “well she was a keen racist” the vicar went “i can’t say that” bob said “okay put she liked gardening” he was trying to get\\xa0the vicar to say something to make us laugh in church he didn’t warn us and he did get something by the vicar so we’re called ricky robert– bob– ricky robert marsha and larry now larry is the oldest in his seventies born in the war i always thought he was the sensible one first born weight of the world on his shoulders my mum said when he was a teenager he got a job and gave her the money to help out he’s a standup guy larry so bob… gives the vicar the wrong name didn’t warn us we’re all in church start of the funeral we’re all there packed out the coffin comes down guided by the vicar the vicar goes to his pulpit all confident with his little notes right and he goes… eva leaves behind four loving children ricky robert marsha and barry and… we snort like that right bob’s going… everyone realizes we’re all laughing we see larry go… all right and the church is like… every time we thought of it we’d see larry go… like that right then we’d just start giggling just fits of fucking giggles right larry eventually started doing this and the vicar’s thinking “what have i said” right he’d put in a few things the vicar didn’t know that set us off again things that were just lies or slightly wrong my nieces and nephews started crying i’d come prepared with a pack of tissues they’d take one and hand it on before the funeral i’d taken the tissues out written on them folded them back and put them in and each tissue said “snivelling fucking bitch” and they’re sort of laughing so it was like a madhouse right everything the vicar said or did we all\\xa0started fucking laughing right and you could see the vicar was visibly shook a little bit he ended the funeral and he made a beeline for me and bob he said “sorry was that okay” me and bob went\\xa0“fucking brilliant\\xa0mate it was fucking brilliant” that’s what i mean we’re all\\xa0gonna die so we should have a laugh if you can laugh in the face of adversity you’re bulletproof me and my brother bob had one simple rule and that was if you think of something funny you’ve got to say it win lose or draw it might go well… it might go badly but you’ve gotta say it and bear that in mind as i leave you with this right… so… we’re all in the car one day bob’s driving packed in this car a little day trip to the beach we get stopped for a security check and there’s a british bobby there and he stops the car bob’s at the window he said “where are we off to” bob went “bognor” he went\\xa0“can you just pop the boot please” so he looks at that looks in the boot like that back to bob’s window gets that mirror on a stick thing and he starts just looking under the car and as he does that his helmet falls off right and out of the helmet falls a packet of  cigarettes and the copper went “bet you always wondered what we kept under our helmets” and bob went “i knew it wasn’t fucking brains” you’ve been amazing good ']]"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 34,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# let's create a list to hold all the pieces of text\n",
    "list_pieces = []\n",
    "for t in data.transcript:\n",
    "    split = split_text(t)\n",
    "    list_pieces.append(split)\n",
    "    \n",
    "list_pieces"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 35,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "12"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 35,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "len(list_pieces)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 37,
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "'ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage ali wong hi hello welcome thank you thank you for coming hello hello we are gonna have to get this shit over with ’cause i have to pee in like ten minutes but thank you everybody so much for coming um… it’s a very exciting day for me it’s been a very exciting year for me i turned  this year yes thank you five people i appreciate that uh i can tell that i’m getting older because now when i see an  girl my automatic thought… is “fuck you” “fuck you i don’t even know you but fuck you” ‘cause i’m straight up jealous i’m jealous first and foremost of their metabolism because  girls they could just eat like shit and then they take a shit and have a sixpack right they got thatthat beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating throughand then when they go to sleep they just go to sleep right they don’t have insomnia yet they don’t know what it’s like to have to take a ambien or download a meditation oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind they have their whole lives ahead of them they don’t have hpv yet they just go to sleep in peace at night everybody has hpv ok everybody has it it’s ok come out already everybody has it if you don’t have it yet you go and get it you go and get it it’s coming you don’t have hpv yet you’re a fucking loser all right that’s what that says about you a lot of men don’t know that they have hpv because it’s undetectable in men it’s really fucked up hpv is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says “boo” in women’s bodies my doctor told me that i have one of two strains of hpv either i have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or i have the kind where my body will heal itself very helpful this doctor right so basically either i’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of wolverine bitches we’ll find out um i can also tell that i’m getting older because my kindle is turning into a selfhelp library i’m not interested in books like fifty shades of grey ok i’m interested in the lifechanging magic of tidying up yes yes that’s right how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success that’s what your  is all about how can i turn this shit around i’m a horrible person i’m not happy with where i am how can i turn this shit around help me tony robbins help mei have a hoarding problem which i’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems i’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away the hpv will also disappear i have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth so you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the communiststhe last time i was at home in san francisco i was trying to help her get rid of shit don’t ever do that with your mom it was like the worst experience of my life it was so emotional we were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a texas instruments … manual the manual she don’t even know… where the calculator is those of you under  probably don’t know what that calculator is it was this calculator that bamboozled my generation we were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade it cost like  and everybody thought it was like this judy jetson’s laptop from the future all because what it could graph it was like the tesla of my time and my mom got so emotional abou'"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 37,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "list_pieces[0][0]"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 38,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "[[0.10653174603174606,\n",
       "  0.05554232804232803,\n",
       "  0.09261867625838215,\n",
       "  0.08788023088023086,\n",
       "  -0.016826765188834157,\n",
       "  0.08848808912368235,\n",
       "  0.05766584354612524,\n",
       "  0.08647907647907646,\n",
       "  0.028597343699384534,\n",
       "  0.07318211068211068],\n",
       " [0.13933883477633482,\n",
       "  -0.061772017045454555,\n",
       "  -0.044710012210012216,\n",
       "  0.025323547979798005,\n",
       "  0.15882883456412872,\n",
       "  0.09026683087027915,\n",
       "  0.08985248447204972,\n",
       "  0.10573721340388005,\n",
       "  -0.03489183818131191,\n",
       "  0.06888415404040403],\n",
       " [-0.028126222542889198,\n",
       "  0.00038528788528789144,\n",
       "  0.025985487313612294,\n",
       "  0.014114173808051335,\n",
       "  -0.02224945887445888,\n",
       "  0.061709273182957394,\n",
       "  0.03772746427613681,\n",
       "  -0.019436107776443914,\n",
       "  -0.004852416622079563,\n",
       "  0.10673667265648401],\n",
       " [0.18330572808833684,\n",
       "  -0.018540202966432464,\n",
       "  -0.037448107448107434,\n",
       "  0.09236773935569115,\n",
       "  0.04996406109613656,\n",
       "  0.02052687150248125,\n",
       "  -0.034410430839002255,\n",
       "  0.04574592074592076,\n",
       "  0.21744756417291625,\n",
       "  0.24218253968253964],\n",
       " [-0.05073496534764142,\n",
       "  -0.05732323232323231,\n",
       "  0.03323383335011241,\n",
       "  0.07874328052899482,\n",
       "  -0.020920308762774502,\n",
       "  0.09983886483886481,\n",
       "  -0.1277697408077155,\n",
       "  -0.08059223996723996,\n",
       "  -0.06265733023195708,\n",
       "  0.14085671768707483],\n",
       " [0.13565984089010405,\n",
       "  0.05433223864258343,\n",
       "  0.04135445845004668,\n",
       "  0.015129741290455566,\n",
       "  0.08148470770421991,\n",
       "  0.165964758421655,\n",
       "  0.08608706108706111,\n",
       "  0.15032225449988607,\n",
       "  0.08568162831320726,\n",
       "  0.07753246753246752],\n",
       " [0.09603449630677356,\n",
       "  0.10234680993609564,\n",
       "  0.11006192220477944,\n",
       "  -0.006572577082781179,\n",
       "  -0.018399149300312095,\n",
       "  -0.0012345679012345668,\n",
       "  0.1762910353535354,\n",
       "  0.0520833333333333,\n",
       "  -0.0007147880249146111,\n",
       "  -0.024448890902379262],\n",
       " [-0.009782377344877344,\n",
       "  -0.015637981547072445,\n",
       "  -0.023063909774436075,\n",
       "  0.015450786056049192,\n",
       "  0.028998556998556982,\n",
       "  0.023596805493357215,\n",
       "  -0.0659697760382692,\n",
       "  0.0009451659451659564,\n",
       "  0.022910251260766703,\n",
       "  0.08887372401261288],\n",
       " [0.1855633997785161,\n",
       "  0.00016097046584851707,\n",
       "  0.07657517800960426,\n",
       "  0.1587683715461493,\n",
       "  0.13696741854636593,\n",
       "  0.06589196872778963,\n",
       "  -0.02024689754689754,\n",
       "  0.01776568776568776,\n",
       "  0.14185645272601793,\n",
       "  0.04668713532843967],\n",
       " [0.06517288267288265,\n",
       "  0.035822228986291484,\n",
       "  0.13557188998365463,\n",
       "  0.014804421768707485,\n",
       "  0.07267247520412075,\n",
       "  0.02822330447330447,\n",
       "  0.10453216374269007,\n",
       "  0.13849851902483482,\n",
       "  0.03586207699110924,\n",
       "  -0.03392961876832843],\n",
       " [0.13759995507637013,\n",
       "  0.031006708238851093,\n",
       "  0.16928538633084086,\n",
       "  0.035626244360421576,\n",
       "  0.05439949577880611,\n",
       "  0.22475439725439722,\n",
       "  0.04536918348606662,\n",
       "  0.07538059163059163,\n",
       "  0.07105987542696406,\n",
       "  0.07756773491848118],\n",
       " [0.16773605766661323,\n",
       "  0.15215747456007198,\n",
       "  0.06520302614052614,\n",
       "  -0.033046301524562414,\n",
       "  0.15890592858677963,\n",
       "  0.00988562091503268,\n",
       "  0.05751941180512607,\n",
       "  0.024817868955037084,\n",
       "  0.016892361111111115,\n",
       "  0.05803984788359787]]"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 38,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# calculate the polarity of each piece of text\n",
    "polarity_transcript = []\n",
    "for lp in list_pieces:\n",
    "    polarity_piece = []\n",
    "    for p in lp:\n",
    "        polarity_piece.append(TextBlob(p).sentiment.polarity)\n",
    "    polarity_transcript.append(polarity_piece)\n",
    "\n",
    "polarity_transcript"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 40,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "text/plain": [
       "Text(0.5, 1.0, 'Ali Wong')"
      ]
     },
     "execution_count": 40,
     "metadata": {},
     "output_type": "execute_result"
    },
    {
     "data": {
      "image/png": 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\n",
      "text/plain": [
       "<Figure size 432x288 with 1 Axes>"
      ]
     },
     "metadata": {
      "needs_background": "light"
     },
     "output_type": "display_data"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# let's plot for one comedian\n",
    "plt.plot(polarity_transcript[0])\n",
    "plt.title(data['full_name'][0])"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 41,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "data": {
      "image/png": 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\n",
      "text/plain": [
       "<Figure size 1080x720 with 12 Axes>"
      ]
     },
     "metadata": {
      "needs_background": "light"
     },
     "output_type": "display_data"
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# let's plot for all comedians\n",
    "plt.figure(figsize=(15,10))\n",
    "\n",
    "for index, comedian in enumerate(data.index):\n",
    "    plt.subplot(3,4,index+1)\n",
    "    plt.plot(polarity_transcript[index])\n",
    "    plt.plot(np.arange(0,10), np.zeros(10))\n",
    "    plt.title(data['full_name'][index])\n",
    "    plt.ylim(ymin=-.2, ymax=.3)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": null,
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": []
  }
 ],
 "metadata": {
  "kernelspec": {
   "display_name": "Python 3",
   "language": "python",
   "name": "python3"
  },
  "language_info": {
   "codemirror_mode": {
    "name": "ipython",
    "version": 3
   },
   "file_extension": ".py",
   "mimetype": "text/x-python",
   "name": "python",
   "nbconvert_exporter": "python",
   "pygments_lexer": "ipython3",
   "version": "3.7.6"
  }
 },
 "nbformat": 4,
 "nbformat_minor": 4
}