Contributors: Feel free to add your own lines or properly acredit other speakers who's material is notable. This OS repo is meant as a guide of resources for everyone who's looking to equip themselves for the exciting world of public speaking.
These lines are for situations where things go off the rails. It's important in times like this to find a way to keep and guide the audience's attention.
- Pucker your lips and imitate a bugler playing Taps - Dick Flavin
- "Here's another you might not care for" - Ron Dentinger
- "That was a subliminal joke, you won't laugh, but your liminal thinks it's hilarious" - Anon
- Pretend to write in a journal and speak aloud, "Never do that joke again", then slam book - Anon
- "If silence is golden, that joke is worth abotu $40,000" - Alan Pease
- Think of a person who's very likable and has a sense of humor, and then say "That's the last time I ever do ______'s jokes" - Gant Laborde
- "Services for that joke will be held 2pm on Sunday" - Current Comedy Newsletter
- "It was nothing. You can tell by the applause." - Tom Ogden
- "Well, I've always been told that laughter is the best medicine. I guess that joke was more of a placebo." - chatGPT
- "Sorry I'm late. I circled the parking lot for an hour. There were plenty of parking saces, I was just scared to come in." - Current Comedy Newsletter
- "Don't pay the randsome! I've escaped!" - Ed McManus
- "Sorry I'm late the parking lot was full and it took me quite a while to sell my car" - Terry Paulson
- "My sundial needs new batteries" - Deanna Jean Brown
- "Looks like we've got a little glitch in the system. I guess that's what I get for using technology from the 90s." - chatGPT
- "Well that's one way to make an exit" - Gant Laborde
- "The rest of my presentation will be done via interpretive dance" - Anon
- Use the talk to justify the situation, if you're talking about how hard it is to do things in production say "This is a prime example" - Swyx
- Utilize the competition in humorous blame, "I guess the computer must prefer ________" - Kent C. Dodds based on a Barney Fife joke
- "To help you, the rest of my speech will be dubbed in English" - Terry Paulson
- "Well I guess I hit the stumble button" - chatGPT
- "For a moment there, I thought I was at the Dentist" - Gant Laborde
- "Wow I seem to be rejecting this tongue transplant" - John Nisbet
- "All that money spent on breakdancing wasted!" - Gant Laborde
- "Tah Dah!" and put your hands in the air as if planned - Terry Paulson
- "Did you notice the world 'graceful' wasn't in my introduction?" - Terry Braverman
- "OK, who planted the banana peel?" - Anon
- "Hey, it's an acquired skill" - Bob Burg
- "That's a strange place to put a speedbump" - Current Comedy Newsletter
- "I could have sworn I fixed that" - Anon
- "You'll have to forgive me, I haven't been myself today... I know some people are hoping I'll stay that way" - Leonard Ryzman
- "I had a friend who died from a sneeze like that, of course, he was standing in his neighbor's closet" - Charles Jarvis
- when an audience member makes a fowl sound, "Is that accident or opinion?" - Alan Pease
- audience members argue or talk loudly - "I think the party you're looking for is down the hall" - W Mitchell
- microphone feedback, someone coughs loudly etc. just look disgruntled and say "critics!" - Gant Laborde
- loud conversation - "Oh good another speaker, I thought I was gonna have to do this alone" - Ron Dentinger
- "You have the right to remain silent!" - Jack Anderson
- lound noises from people - "Remember the days when alcoholics wanted to remain anonymous?" - Terry Brewer
- "I'm flattered, but please save your applause for the end." - chatGPT
Lines to throw in to make your audience engage, excited, and keep things on the right foot.
- "My father always said, if you want a room of people to listen to you, start off with a quote from me... thanks Dad" - Gant Laborde
- "Last night I tried to eliminate anything in my speech that seemed in any way dull. So in conclusion..." - Terry Paulson
- "Good evening, everyone. I'm honored to be here tonight, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I got invited by mistake." - chatGPT
- After having some microphone issues, when verifying a microphone is live "I know a Polish guy who's a great sound engineer, I also know a czek one too, check one two" - Anon Joke - Gant Laborde used
- "It takes guts to do what this person is going to do. It also takes guts to be a an organ doner." - Anon
- "This next person just told me I have two faults. They think I'm bad at listening, and... something else." - Anon
- "Is everyone back from the break? If you're not back please raise your hand. (look around room) If you're a rebel don't raise your hand. (crowd laughs) If you have telekenisis raise my hand. (fight your hand raising) Well done!" - Gant Laborde
- "I need to go. They don't even know I left the hospital." - Gene Mitchener
- "I see we have run out of time before I have run out of things to say - that's what you get when your speaker is a manic expressive!" - Lilly Walters *Before I close and get my standing ovation..." - Mikki Williams
- When no one answers "Any questions? (silence) any second questions? - Allen Klein
- When you don't like the question "Please save all questions until I'm finished and well on my way home" - Current Comedy Newsletter
- "Someone asked me that same question last week, and I'm going to dodge it the same way I did last time" then move on - Garry Apple
- When you can't hear the question, "I used to have all the answers, now I don't even have the questions!" - Eileen Mason
- "They say you get smarter when you know what you don't know, so I must be turning into a genius!" - Lilly Walters
- "Hearing no questions, I guess that means my presentation was perfect!" - Gant Laborde
- "Does anyone have any questions? Oh I do!" raising your own hand and ask yourself a question - Barry Eigan
- "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Were you asking for my autograph?" - chatGPT
- In a cute manner, "Did you bring a note from home?" - Mikki Williams
- "About time you showed up, I was starting to think I was going to have to give the whole presentation myself." - chatGPT
- "Everyone in the room just sang a song, now it's your turn" - Jimmy Calano
- Obviouysly end a ficticious story that is meant for the later arriver "...And after I finished saving the bus full of orphans that's when president offered to make me King of the moon, which I humbly turned down. The End! Any questions?" - Gant Laborde
- "You have to clean the erasers after class" - Tom Antion
- "Oh great! I have to start all over again (sigh) Hi, my name is..." - Gene Mitchener
These tricks help you buy time for when a computer crashes, an assistant is in the bathroom, or you simply don't know what else to say while something tests your audience's sweet attention.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the "hell" out of it.
Q: Why did the strawberry cry?
A: Her mom and dad were in a jam.
Q: What do you get when you boil your funny bone?
A: A laughing stock.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May Flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims
Q: Why is "dark" spelled with a "K"?
A: You can't "c" in the dark.
Q: Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he ever met?
A: He couldn't resistor. WAT!? That joke hertz
Q: Why did the dog bowl always come in last?
A: He was lapped.
Q: How did the hacker escape the police?
A: He ransomware
Q: What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?
A: Ian
Q: What's the opposite of lady fingers?
A: Mentos
Q: What happens when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
A: ...
Q: Why can't the green pepper practice archery?
A: Because he doesn't habanero.
Q: What do you call a nosey pepper?
A: Jalepino business
Q: What do Europeans call bigfoot?
A: Bigmeter
Q: Where do take someone injured in a "peekaboo" accident?
A: The ICU
Q: Where do bad rainbows go?
A: To prism.
Q: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.
Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
A: Sir Render.
Q: Why are there always POP tarts but never MOM tarts?
A: Because of the pastryarchy.
Q: What sound does a 747 make when it lands?
A: Boeing. Boeing. Boeing.
Q: How do 37 mathematicians ride on a bus with 36 seats?
A: They carry the 1.
Q: They’re currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date.
A: It's a real shindig.
Q: I told a joke in a zoom meeting and no one laughed. A: Turns out I'm not remotely funny.
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: What do you call a line of people waiting for haircuts?
A: A barberqueue.
- I've been told some people don't like my cheesey jokes, I guess they are "LAUGH"tose intolerant.
- My sweater was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it for another one free of charge.
- Brain transplants don't work, you can't change my mind.
- It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor. At the end of the day, it’s night.
- I broke my 1 meter ruler and I'm really upset. They don't make them any longer.
- I feel like we're automating too much these days. All in favor say "AI".
- My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it. Nice guy, he finds bugs in web design.
- The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. The Chick Peas can only hummus one.
- I haven't spoken to _________ in over a year... I didn't want to interrupt.
- People who sell meat are gross, but people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
- You're born with 4 knees, but as you grow up two of them become adult knees.
- To the person who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now!
- There's no such thing as training to be a trash collector... you just pick it up as you go along.
- I used to be poor and young, but after the past 20yrs I'm no longer young
- I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
- I have a fear of overly intricate buildings. I have a complex complex complex.
- Due to a noise complaint in Hawaii, you’re not allowed to laugh OVER a certain decibel. Now you can only use a low ha
- I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 5 minutes after we got home the dog made a bolt for the door.
- I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
- I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
- I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid them.
- Prison walls are never built to scale.
- I have a friend who always skips a letter in the alphabet and never says "Y"
- My boss asked me why I only get sick on week days. I said "I don't know. It must be my weekend immune system."